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Potentially Shamed By The Shuffle

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Published 05.03.2006 | Permanent Link

I thought it would be an interesting first assignment to set my iPod to shuffle to see what I could say about the first ten songs that came up if only because the shuffle setting is the one function of any music player that I could do without. I never trust my iPod as a DJ because it will inevitably throw up thirty songs in a row that I didn't know I had in my collection and instead of feeling pleasantly surprised all I feel is embarrassed.

I am the type of person who cannot buy the one or two songs I like from an album but instead has to buy the entire album because there is a very small but wildly irrational part of me that is afraid I might hurt someone's feelings. It's the same part of me that as a child required that I give equal attention to all my stuffed animals -- half of them slept with me one night, the other half slept with me the next night, and the rotation continued from there so that none of them felt slighted. You could see how someone like me might be very good at a fanatical religion.

At first I thought it might be more challenging to set my husband's iPod to shuffle, but then I realized the rest of this essay would read, "Had I known this was on his iPod I might not have agreed to have his baby." Although we each own an iPod we use them for very different reasons: I use mine only when I workout whereas he uses his only every waking moment. Our respective music collections vary because of this difference but more so because he is ten years older than I am and can listen to jazz with a straight face.

To make this as adventurous as possible I'm going to set some ground rules. One, I can't skip a song because I don't like it or haven't ever heard it. Two, rule number one is totally optional.

First song: "Gigantic" by the Pixies

Ah ha! I know this one! This is the first song I ever heard by the Pixies, and I was immediately drawn to the bass line because I could feel it in the back of my mouth. I discovered this song toward the end of college as my taste in music shifted symbolically away from melodic pop toward noisy guitar feedback. Kim Deal's voice was the perfect blend of raw energy and abandon, and at that turning point in my life I really thought this sound signified everything: sweat! and sex! and booze! Turns out it signified marriage.

Second song: "Linus and Lucy" by Vince Guaraldi Trio (from A Charlie Brown Christmas)

Did I say that I work out while listening to my iPod? What I meant to say was that I listen to my iPod while embroidering handkerchiefs and admiring my collection of ceramic Richard Nixon heads.

Third song: Already one I've never heard.

Who is this anyway? The Band? What insufferable person names his band The Band? I bet he's the type of person who when hungry says things like, "Time to feed The Mouth."

Fourth song: "The National Anthem" by Radiohead

Only my favorite song. This is a masterpiece of almost excruciating noise that borders on being an utter piece of crap, but because it doesn't go over that line, because it teeters right there and resists falling over that edge, it is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. When my friends find out that this song is the one song I like above all others they tend to reassess their relationship with me and where I was once someone they would let borrow their car I am now someone they'd like to bludgeon with a shovel.

Fifth song: “Hyper-Ballad” by Bjork

This is the only person I know who can sing about throwing car parts, bottles and cutlery off the side of a mountain and make it sound this beautiful. And then she's all, "La, la, la, I wonder if my eyes are going to be open or closed when I throw my body off this mountain. Because I live on a block of ice and don't own a TiVo."

Sixth song: “The Cedar Room” by the Doves

This is one of those songs that is inextricably tied to a memory, and when I hear its opening note I'm immediately transported to the mornings I used to get up at 5 AM in Los Angeles and drive across the city to run stairs near the ocean. The Doves like many British rock bands make a certain type of driving song that ramps from big sound to bigger sound, and because of this volume they make great music by which to time your heart rate. However, this is not a song you'd want to get caught singing out loud because there is no way they were sober when they wrote it. A two-year-old listing off every word she can think of would sound more reasonable than the lyrics to this song.

Seventh song: “Elevator Love Song” by Stars

This is the song we were listening to in the car on the way to the hospital on the day my daughter was born. It's a lovely, upbeat song and I had chosen it to play on that drive because it seemed so happy. But once we came home it was the saddest song I had ever heard. It had come to signify a moment in my life that I didn't fully understand: The Beginning of The Rest of My Life, a moment that had happened only days before but seemed like centuries ago.

Eighth song: “PDA” by Interpol

I have often described Interpol as the DENG DENG DENG band. It's as if they were sitting in the studio trying to come up with a guitar riff for this song when one of them said, "How about DENG DENG DENG?" And the other one was all, "But that's the riff from the last song." And the first guy was all, "No that was DENG DENG DENG. This is DENG DENG DENG." And because they were all wearing black eyeliner they could hear the difference.

Ninth song: "Knock Loud" by Neko Case

I take it back, Neko Case could also sing about throwing random detritus off a cliff and I'd want it sung at my wedding. This song has one of my favorite lines: "Knock loud I’m home/I wrote in black felt pen/Took that sign and taped it to the door." It's one of the most romantic things ever sung: if you want me I'm right here on the other side of this door, let me know. Preferably with much force and longing.

Tenth song: “Cool” by Gwen Stefani

When I was single I had a really bad habit of keeping in touch with ex-boyfriends, and that's kind of what this song is about, how she and Tony used to date and then they went through that really rough break-up but now things are good and they can hang out with each other again, he can even call her by her new last name. Which is exactly how I felt about Steve and Matt and even Eric, but then Brian showed up at my apartment one night after I had gotten married and he was high on illegal substances and espresso. Would it be okay if he crashed on my couch? And could I fix him a sandwich? That wasn't nearly as cool as it was a reason to move out of state.