How to Survive the First Few Weeks of Motherhood With Some Semblance of Your Sanity

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Published 11.19.2008 | Permanent Link | Comments (7)

By Kristen Chase, author of Motherhood Uncensored and co-founder of Cool Mom Picks

1. Get Help
Whether it’s a relative or friend who makes you dinner, or a paid babysitter or postpartum doula who chases after the older kids and cleans your house, you need to get help. There’s no written ordinance that says mothers should be able to do everything on their own. So, when it comes to these first few weeks, enlist the village and be clear about what you need. Make a list of things you need and/or what would be most helpful and leave it on the refrigerator so that your “helpers” can actually provide you with help and not make life more complicated for you.

2. Get Sleep
Most moms laugh when someone tells them to sleep when the baby sleeps, but when it comes down to it, lack of sleep is probably the worst side effect of every mom’s postpartum existence. Combine no sleep with raging hormones, and life can become quickly unbearable. So if someone offers to hold the baby so you can sleep, take them up on it, regardless of how many laundry piles and dirty dishes might be calling your name. Even a couple of hours of rest can turn your mood around.

3. Get a sling
Contrary to popular belief (or maybe it’s just my mother-in-law), newborns cannot be spoiled by holding them too much. But if you’ve got other things to do, like eating or using the bathroom without listening to the baby scream from her swing, try a sling. Now before you think yards of fabric wrapped in some sort of origami knot, think again. Most slings don’t require a master’s degree in baby wearing. My hands-down favorite (literally) is the Rockin’ Baby Pouch. But your best bet is to find a sling-addicted friend, or sling and carrier reviews online, and figure out which one is best for you.

4. Get Out
Anyone stuck in the same house, in the same clothes, with the same baby for any length of time will go buggy – think solitary confinement but with a screaming hungry infant. It’s practically torturous. So whether it’s a walk around the block or a quick trip to the mall, a change of scenery will do you a world of good. And if you can, leave the baby home. Not only will she be exposed to less germs, but she could probably use a little break from you too.

5. Get Perspective
When it comes to these early weeks, it’s just about making it through to the next day. So just go into survival mode and do what you can. Lower your expectations tenfold. Do not step on the scale or try on your old jeans, both of which will just send you back over the edge. Instead focus on the positive – be proud that you fed your child successfully and leave it at that. Daily showers, complete meals, and matching clothes are bonuses. And celebrate your spontaneous crying fests with a drink.

How To Reduce Gift-Giving Stress During the Holidays

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Published 11.17.2008 | Permanent Link | Comments (7)

By Heather L. Sanders of Oh My Stinkin' Heck.

1. Wrap gifts going to different places in 'like' paper.
So your nephew likes Sponge Bob and his sister is a Barbie fan, but let's be honest, how long will the wrap last on their gifts anyway? Make the holidays easier - select a different color or pattern wrapping paper for each place you'll go to exchange gifts; one for your side of the family, one for your spouse's side of the family, and one for office or church parties. Then, when it's time to pack the car with the right gifts, you don't have to fret over digging for, and reading, tags - just grab the boxes with the right color or pattern and go!

2. Shop for your parents and grandparents.
You might think it's offensive to tell Granny you'd love to help her out this year by purchasing your kids' gifts for her, but really, it'll knock her argyles right off; she might even let you shop for yourself! Remember, YOU are the woman in the know. Your kids whine tell YOU what they want year round. Besides what they want, you've a good idea what they need, right? Who better to ensure that Granny comes off looking like a master shopper and your kid gets that new Nintendo DS game, as opposed to the crocheted My Little Pony saddle she received last year.

3. Follow Santa's guideline; be methodical.
Make a list and check it twice. Better yet, check it two, three, maybe even fourteen times. Get a small spiral notebook and take it with you everywhere you go from now until after the last thank you note has been sent. On the first page of your notebook write down the name of every person for whom you intend to buy gifts; assign each person to a page, record any price limits, likes/dislikes, sizes, favorite colors, and ideas. Once the gifts are purchased, staple the receipts to their page and move on to the next person.

4. If you haven't already, start buying holiday gifts now - as in RIGHT NOW.
Post-Thanksgiving sales will not save you enough money to equal the number of years you'll wipe off your life by fighting the crowds and that crazy lady I met on aisle 5 at Mervyn's 10 years ago (she still haunts me). Stress reduces our youthfulness; it's a fact. For the first time in forever you'll be at peace and rested at all your Holiday gatherings.

5. People are more important than things.
Sure the holidays are filled with the giving and receiving of gifts, but they can also surge with an undercurrent of financial stress when friends and family have absolutely no idea HOW they will buy gifts for the ones they love. Consider asking your friends and family to gather at your home for a shared meal in lieu of exchanging gifts. There are few things more pleasant than a relaxing evening of good company and good food. Okay, maybe an elastic waist band, but not much else.

What to Say & Do If Your Friend’s Baby has Special Needs

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Published 11.14.2008 | Permanent Link | Comments (3)

By Jennifer Graf Groneberg author of Road Map to Holland

“I only hope it’s healthy.” It’s the universal prayer of parenthood, right? Everyone wants a healthy baby. But sometimes babies are born with challenges, and it’s hard to know what to do or say. I understand, because it happened to me. My twins were preemies, and while we were in the NICU, my son Avery, older than his twin Bennett by two minutes, was diagnosed with Down Syndrome.

What did I need? What did I want to hear? I didn’t have the answers, in the beginning. Here’s what I learned from experience:

1. It’s okay not to know what to say
We don’t know, either. We’re most likely working through a staggering range of emotions—all the usual postpartum ones, plus sometimes grief, fear, doubt. We might be in denial, or feel overwhelmed. It’s best to avoid all the platitudes—the “God only gives these babies to special parents” sort of sentiments. Instead, say what’s in your heart. The very best thing I heard was, simply, “I love you.”

2. Actions speak louder than words
If you say, “What can I do?” we might not have a ready answer. Instead, pick something specific and go for it. Plan to drive us to the hospital, or, if the baby is home, bring diapers and wipes. Help with the laundry. Clean the house. Walk the dog. It doesn’t matter what you do: your actions will show us that you’re “with” us, and that you support our new family.

3. Ask questions
Your willingness to talk about our baby’s medical issues will mean a lot; we might need a sounding board to help sort out our options, and our feelings about them. But don’t press—if we don’t have the answers, or we aren’t ready to talk yet, leave it at, “I’m here if you need me.”

4. Check in, every now and then
Life with a medically fragile child, or a child with severe issues, takes on its own dimensions. Time passes slowly and quickly at once. We sometimes lose track of things; forget to return calls, or emails. Gentle, consistent support is helpful. It lets us know we’re still important to you, even after the rush of initial attention has passed.

5. Our baby is still the love of our life
It seems like a simple thing, really, but it's true: even with all the added emotions, we are still new mothers. We need all the things new mothers need—more sleep, a hot shower, a new pair of shoes. A good book and the time to read it. An excellent meal, uninterrupted. And this: Just as our bodies grew and expanded to accommodate our baby, now, our spirits are in transition. We are growing, and changing, and becoming, and what we need most is your understanding.

How to Interview a Teenaged Babysitter

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Published 11.12.2008 | Permanent Link | Comments (2)

By Brian of Looky, Daddy!

1. Get References.
This one should really read, Get References and Actually Call Them. References are like rebates: They only work if you do something with them.

2. Don't Ask Questions We All Know the Answers To.
Do not ask "Do you talk on the phone a lot?" or "Do you have people over while you babysit?" Even the dullest of candidates knows the answer is "No." Instead, ask, "Who do you usually talk with on the phone when you babysit?" or "Tell me about a person who might visit you while you are here."

3. Establish a Rate Before the Job.
Teenaged babysitters fall into two categories: Extortionists and I-Can't-Believe-Someone-Is-Paying-Me-ists. Believe it or not, the former is easier to work with. The latter almost always says, "Oh, pay me whatever. You decide," which just adds an extra bit of stress to coming home after a night out.

4. Ask About Food and Pet Allergies.
Nothing spoils a night out more than a sitter with hives.

5. Seal the Deal.
If you feel like you've found the perfect person, lie. Lie to everyone. Lie to the babysitter and tell her your kids are angels. Lie to yourself that now you'll go out more be happy, er, happier. And if your babysitter does turn out to be great, lie to your friends when they ask about her. Good babysitters are worth their weight in gold.

How to Preschool Your Child at Home

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Published 11.10.2008 | Permanent Link | Comments (1)

By Lindsay Ferrier of Suburban Turmoil

1. Keep up with the local kids calendars.
Chances are, you’ll find all kinds of inexpensive or free educational opportunities for preschoolers in your town. Right now, my 4-year-old is attending a free weekly art class, a $6 monthly science class at the zoo (which covers admission to the zoo for all of us after the class ends), and a free weekly preschool ballet class. It’s never been a better time to be a tightwad…

2. Invest in a good curriculum.
There are plenty of free preschool resources on the web, but if you want to save yourself some time and energy, put a little of the money you’re saving on preschool tuition into a reputable preschool curriculum. I’m using McRuffy (www.mcruffy.com) and my daughter and I both love it.

3. Don’t stress.
Children who enter kindergarten are expected to know their colors, their alphabet, and how to count to ten. That’s it. Remember that you’re trying to teach your preschooler that learning can be fun, not to qualify him for Mensa.

4. Remember that the library is your friend.
Many libraries let you request books online and pick them up a few days later at your local branch. The best thing you can do for your preschooler is read to her; use library books to supplement lessons and save you from reading Big Red Barn for the hundred-thousandth time.

5. Make any time school time.
Take an alphabet workbook to the park. Go over vowels in the bathtub. Use those lunchtime grapes to reinforce addition and subtraction. The more creative you are with lesson time, the more your child will enjoy learning new concepts.

How to Bake Chocolate Chip Cookies with Kids

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Published 11.07.2008 | Permanent Link | Comments (1)

By Stacy Kravtiz of The Fabulous Miss S.

Cooking with your children can be a great experience. It gives them a chance to learn teamwork and patience as well as a host of other skills that come with reading and following the steps of a recipe. Kids are never as prepared as you think they are so be sure to supervise closely, remind them how to be safe with sharp and hot objects and use common sense.

1. Getting Ready
Wash hands. Tie-back long hair. Remove sharp object from the preparation area. Be sure to have a first-aid kit nearby. Make sure that everyone knows how to safely avoid the hot-surface areas. Consider using your neighbor's kitchen. Are you sure you want to bake cookies because you could just pass the kids that bag of Chips-Ahoy in the pantry and call it a day.

2. Preparing The Ingredients
Prepare ahead of time! Make sure you have double the ingredients needed because without fail eggs will get broken outside of the bowl, sugar will be licked off of fingers and the chocolate chips will become a snack and you will both wear some flour by the end of this edible and "educational" activity.

3. Be Supportive. Be Flexible.
Encourage your child to read the recipe beforehand and gather all the needed measuring cups and spoons. Also know that a teaspoon of salt will most likely become a full TABLESPOON of salt. Or three. And baking soda? Baking powder? Whaaa?? Consider using egg beaters to avoid the inevitable chocolate-chip-with-broken-egg-shell-cookies and you won't have to worry about the raw-egg salmonella risk while you re-live your own childhood by eating your weight in cookie dough. To survive this activity with a smile on your face eat your helping of dough with a glass of Cabernet.

4. Focus on the Positives
Praise your children for their hard work and focus. Following a recipe is a great learning experience, it requires focus, counting, planning and often it teaches the basics of a real stomachache. Have Pepto-Bismol on hand and consider taking it before this activity commences.

5. Eat. Or Don't.
Sit down with a glass of milk and taste those delicious but odd-cookie-like things. Or don't. Because food made by kids? EAT AT YOUR OWN RISK. Tell the kids they can eat their cookies after they clean up the kitchen.

How to Know When It's OK to Leave Young Teens at the Movies alone

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Published 11.05.2008 | Permanent Link | Comments (2)

By Elizabeth of Busy Mom

1. First rule is that there are no standard rules.
Believe it or not, there will come a day when you are faced with the prospect of leaving your first precious snowflake somewhere without parents, and the movie theater will likely be your first foray into this adventure.

Since 8th grade, going to the movies with friends has been an issue with my oldest child. I've found that each scenario is different and when she argues that "I did it last time", I tell her that there are no rules and I decide what's OK each time.

2. Develop your response to the age old argument, "Don't you trust me?!"
Speaking of "trust", trust me, you'll need it. When you have to tell them they can't go to the movie unless a parent goes, you'll soon be able to recite something like, "Of course I trust you, but there are potential situations where adult decision making is required." Unless of course, you don't trust them, and then you just say, "no" when they ask. Much more efficient.

3. Consider the time of day and location of the movie.
Many of my decisions about the movies are based on the time of day and the location of the theater. She knows there are a couple of places she won't be able to go without a parent until she gets out of college.

4. Where there's one group there's another.
Remember this: if they are going with a group to the movies, there are likely other groups in the plan. You not only have to ask, "Who's going?" but you have to learn to ask, "Who else are you going to run into?"

You may be fine with them going with the group of kids at hand, but there will usually be auxiliary kids (and funny how they never seem to have a ride home) there you might not be as comfortable with.

5. If you're not sure, buy your own ticket and be inconspicuous.
Accept the fact that, for a few years, you may end up seeing a bunch of movies you have no desire to see, but you'll be able to supervise from a distance. Hint: walk into the theater before they do, otherwise they go right to the last row so you can't sit behind them and see what they're doing.

Related Tween & Teen Posts:

- How To Keep Up With Your Teen at Guitar Hero

- How To Drive Your Teen & Friends Around Town Without Mortifying Them

How To Choose Safer Toys for your Children without Having a Masters in Chemistry

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Published 11.03.2008 | Permanent Link | Comments (1)

By Kristen Chase and Liz Gumbinner, co-founders and editors of Cool Mom Picks and authors of the second annual Cool Mom Picks Safer Toy Guide

1. Read the labels
Just like with food, toys have labeling that help you identify what's in them and where they come from. You won't find one saying CHOCK FULL OF LEAD, unfortunately, but you can look for phrases like No PVC, Phthalate-free, BPA-free, non-toxic, natural rubber, water-based paints and inks.

Also don't rely too heavily on those "toy award" accolades, because some of them require payment from the manufacturers just to be considered. Um, hello? Objectivity?

2. Check the manufacturer's website
No company is going to say that their toys are made by 10-year-old "elves" out of pure mercury in an unregulated factory far from the North Pole. But since toy recalls became a regular fixture in the news last year, most toymakers--particularly the smaller independent ones--have ensured that their websites are very clear about how they're making their toys and which safety standards they meet or exceed. The companies that don't tell you what their toys are made of but just reassure you about "the safety of BPA"-well, call us paranoid but that freaks us out.

3. Consider where it's made
"Made in China" is no guarantee of a bad toy at all. There are even phthalate-free toy factories in China just for the European manufacturers. Speaking of which, we do love the European toy standards, indicated by the EN71 safety mark. Across the pond, they ban chemicals until proven safe, while voluntary US standards (or ASTM) permit chemicals like phthalates until proven harmful. EU companies are also required to test the insides of the toys for lead and heavy metals, while American manufacturers just test the outsides. Fine until your kid decides to pry open that toy cell phone and see what tastes good.

4. Subscribe to the toy recall RSS (or email notification)
The Consumer Products Safety Commission is the best source for toy recall info. But since moms hardly have time to finish their US Weekly (even the really juicy ones), we can't be expected to check for recalls every day. Consider adding the CPSC toy recall list RSS (or email) to your feed reader so the updates come to you and you can just scan them, because surprise! You can't trust your toy stores to keep track for you either; some recalled toys are still on shelves.

5. Use your instincts
Your own best instincts will probably guide you better than any government certification on the planet. If the toys are leaking battery acid or smell like a chemical explosion as soon as you open the box, put it back. Same goes for small pieces, teeeeeny magnets, and anything else that your toddler might find appealing in an "I'm going to eat this and see how you react" sort of way. Darn kids.

Don't forget to check out Cool Mom Picks' second annual Safer Toy Guide for specific toy recommendations in different categories and for different kids' ages.

How To Stay Friends When You Can’t Stand Her Kid.

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Published 10.31.2008 | Permanent Link | Comments (1)

By Betsy Cadel of Gray Matter Matters

1. Ask yourself why.
You may have very legitimate reasons for bristling at your BFF’s TTK (Totally Terrible Kid). The sooner you establish what’s rubbing you the wrong way the sooner you can figure out how to handle it. Take into account the child’s age. A whiny three-year-old is annoying, a whiny ten-year-old is unbearable.

Most of all, if the reason you can’t stand her kid is because he hurts your child (physically or emotionally); you are absolutely absolved of any guilt. Play dates are officially off the table.

2. Friendship, party of two.
Most likely you became friends B.C. (before children), so you don’t want to sacrifice years of history. The solution, limit your get-togethers to just the two of you (or dinner out as couples). Even though she’s likely to suggest play dates as the easiest way to catch up, be prepared with an arsenal of plausible excuses. Now is the time to invoke your child’s busy schedule or a previously planned play date followed immediately by “but let’s make a date for lunch.”

3. Never let ‘em see you sweat.
You may have to put on an Oscar worthy performance, but try to retain an air of pleasantness even when you feel like screaming “Seriously!?” at her son’s horrible behavior. If you roll your eyes or say something snarky to her child she is bound to feel judged and will channel her resentment and anger at you.

4) Zip it.
As a close friend, and fellow mother, occasionally she may vent about her son. Although it appears that this is the perfect opening to address some of your “observations” and offer advice it is not. Remember back when she was sobbing on your couch after a particularly bad fight with her boyfriend? Remember how you told her exactly what you thought of him only to be mortified the next day when they made up?

Well, boyfriends come and go, but a child is forever so criticizing your friend’s kid is completely off limits. She can call him the “devil spawn,” you simply smile and say “they all have their moments.”

5. Put down the gavel and stop judging.
Your friend’s son may not be your cup of tea, but that doesn’t mean it’s a universal truth. Your opinion of him is simply that, your opinion. And who knows, you may have a friend out there who’s suddenly suggesting a lot of lunch dates. The best, and most long-lasting, friendships are built on love, understanding and the sense to know when honesty is not the best policy.

Related Issues:

- How to Deal with Your Mother-in-Law

- How to Deal with Sibling Fights

How To Take a Beautiful ... er, Charming Holiday Family Self-Portrait

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Published 10.29.2008 | Permanent Link | Comments (7)

By Karen Walrond of Chookooloonks

1. Pick a beautiful day, and make everyone get dressed in non-clashing clothes.
Of course, you could get everyone to dress in matching, holiday-themed clothing, but considering the number of groans and do-I-have-tos that will likely ensue just from announcing, "Hey, everyone! Let's take a picture!" I'd suggest you just make it easy on yourself: insist that everyone wear clothes with no magenta, orange, chartreuse or any other non-complementary colours, and be done with it. And if one of your kids happens to have a big jelly stain on the only shirt that will work for the shot, have him turn it inside out. Trust me, with what's about to happen, no one will notice the difference.

2. Get a large mirror and a tripod.
You thought I was going to just suggest that you adjust the self-timer on the camera and call it a day, didn't you? Well, that would be just too logical. Instead, set up the mirror in front of where you'll all be sitting (preferably in a well-lit area, or better still, outside), and use the tripod (or stack of books, or small shelf, or Fido) to set up the camera aimed at your reflections in the mirror. In my experience, having everyone watch each other in the mirrors (and, yes, laughing at each other's reflections) gets the most natural smiles.

3. Set everything up, and take a few test shots.
Make sure that you're all in the frame, even if you're not perfectly aligned -- you're going to end up editing the final photo anyway. Then once you're all in the frame, tell everyone to smile sweetly, and squeeze the shutter.

4. Give up on smiling sweetly, and just go with it.
Last year when my family did this, my then-3-year-old daughter Alex was a pro at standing still and smiling sweetly. This year? She became a crazy person. At first, I got frustrated, but then I decided to just go with it. We all made faces in the mirrors, we laughed at each other, and I kept clicking away. I figured, why not? This year will be the year we give out cards with images that show the Real Us.

Well, not exactly the real *me.* I did manage to put down the martini I was drinking to finish taking the photos and get through this ordeal. No need to tell the whole truth, after all.

5. Take tons of shots, pick a few that aren't too disastrous, and then edit them with photo editing software.
Crop the image as necessary, remembering that standards sizes are 3x5 inches, 4x6 inches, 5x7 inches and 8x10 inches. If you know how, edit the image in Photoshop, or check out some of the great online photo editors, like Picnik, or the brand-spanking-new Phoenix. Once you're finished, print and stick in all of your holiday cards, to spread laughter and good cheer to all your loved ones.

And then, for God's sake, pour yourself another martini.