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How to Deal with Your Mother-In-Law Talking Smack

Published 10.13.2008 | Permanent Link | Comments (14)

By Catherine Connors of Her Bad Mother

1. Assess The Insult
Is the comment a slur on your parenting or is the insult directed to your child? In the former case, keep your claws retracted and try to respond calmly, even nonchalantly (see #2, below.) You can take it. Save your moral outrage for when it’s really deserved – as is would be the case if the comment was directed toward your child. In this case, you have my full permission to growl and bare your teeth and – if warranted - ban the relevant in-law from your household for whatever term fits the crime. What’s that? You think that little Farnsworth has an unfortunate nose/is retaining too much baby fat/is slow for his age? Thank you for your totally unwelcome opinion, and don’t let the door hit you on your way out.

2. Maintain Moral Superiority
Do not stoop to a catfight, no matter how badly you might want to. Whatever your response, make sure that it’s articulated politely. It can, of course, be totally passively-aggressively polite – why, yes, I do take pride in my ability to get through each day without ever picking up after my children! Such a shame that women were so oppressed by housework back in your day! – but take care to ensure that the delivery of your response is above reproach. Remember, you have years of Thanksgiving dinners with this person.

3. But Do Defend Yourself
Maintaining Moral Superiority does not mean Letting Them Get Away With It. Let the offender know that you have recognized and registered their comment as the stupid insult that it is by articulating your disagreement and – if possible – your disappointment with their sorry attitude. I’m sorry that you find breastfeeding in public distasteful. Personally, I put my child’s well-being before the sad sexual hang-ups of others. Perhaps you could look away if you’re unable to distinguish the nursing breast from the sexual breast.

4. Vent. With Caution.
Let your spouse know that you do not like having to dodge the MIL’s/DIL’s/Great Aunt Mehitabel’s verbal arrows. You’re within your rights to ask that he/she intercede in particularly trying cases (sometimes, a simple lay off, Mom is all that is needed to put a stop to the needling.) But make every effort to not be excessively angry or insulting in getting your complaint off your chest. The offender in question is, after all, a close relation of your spouse. Your spouse might even love the offender. Make sure that you keep those feelings in mind when you’re tempted to say YOUR &$@%&MOTHER IS BANNED FROM OUR HOME FOREVER, YOU HEAR?!

5. But, End Of The Day, Let It Go
Yes, it’s entirely possible that you have to deal with this person on a regular basis. Yes, such dealings will likely remain awkward and painful if this person insists upon continually taking out their sublimated frustrations about no longer being the center of their own children’s universe on you. But remember that the problem is not really you or your children, it’s their own loneliness or feeling of isolation from their children or whatever-yadda-yadda-Freud-blah. A little tolerance will go a long way toward keeping the peace in your extended family.

And if not, there are always ear-plugs.

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Comments (14):

Heather Cook said:

Thank you! I've had two MILs. The second has taught me how lucky I was with the first. :)

I'm actually going to bookmark this article and then re-read it when I need it!

Posted on October 13, 2008 09:54

Angella said:

My MIL moved four hours away. Now I just get to deal with The Crazy from a distance and on holidays. It makes it easier to just shrug and be thankful it's not all the time.

Posted on October 13, 2008 15:36

Isabel said:

Wow...this can be such a touchy subject. Thanks for the advice. I think even the best of MIL's can push it to the limit from time to time. It's nice to have methods to deal with it. Thanks!

Posted on October 14, 2008 14:08

Kelly from Almost Frugal said:

You sure we shouldn't just say &$@%& off?

I'm just done with my MIL. I'm polite to her, I don't stop her from seeing the kids when she wants to, which is *ahem* NOT that often considering that she lives 10 minutes away, and I go over there and eat her dried out pork chops when ever she invites us, which is again, not that often.

Not that I'm bitter or anything! It's just that my mother lives 9 time zones away from me and sees my kids once a year if that, and my MIL, who is barely nine MINUTES away from me sees my kids with about the same frequency.

Posted on October 20, 2008 15:46

Crystal said:

Great advice for the average nosey MIL, but apparently you havent met mine. To say that she is a b***h is an understatement. She takes pride in telling her sad story to everyone she meets, recently to include the heating and cooling man. She puts on her little show about how she has done so much for us, yet we treat her badly. Which is 110% false.
We have been nothing but kind. Have given her chance after chance. She hasnt caught on that her friends really arent her friends and the crap she talks about us always come back! Misery loves company!
So gals be thankful for what you have. I'll be happy to trade you any day for mine!

Posted on October 25, 2008 06:37

nancy said:

My mother-in-law moved to Calif 28 years ago (we live in Mich) she never called or had any contact with my children. Now she is older and plans to move back for help. My feelings are why bother now?

Posted on October 25, 2008 14:19

Meg said:

I find that the more articles I read about MIL's the more I see that it takes two to make a problem. DIL's can be the cause of a lot of the conflict as well as the MIL. Trying to be friends because we both love the son/husband is the answer. That love of course is a different kind of love from each. Jealous sometimes is the problem, too.

Posted on October 25, 2008 14:58

Carrie said:

I do believe for the average bad mother in law these tips work very well. I'd love to hear more tips for dealing with the very worst mothers in law, which I consider mine to be. She has called me a F#$%^& B$%^& and a F$%^&* whore to my face in front of my husband and 12 year old step son while kicking/throwing outdoor furniture at me. She was upset because my stepson decided not to spend the night at her house. The completely inappropriate comments/behaviors keep coming. I refuse to be alone with her. She is not welcome in my house. I will not keep my step son from seeing her and so I still have to deal with her from time to time. Yes the moral high road and polite coldness are the road I've taken; however I cannot let go of her wretched behavior.

Posted on October 25, 2008 16:02

Dolly said:

Wow...what a sweet article. Actually I was hoping to find out if battery acid was too strong to marinate my MIL in while I roasted her over an open fire. Oh well! Maybe your next article. My first clue my MIL didn't like me was when I'd been married a few months and she made a racist comment about "my people". Since I'm White, Hispanic, Scandinavian, Polish, Spanish and God only knows what else, maybe she meant "my watered down people"? At first she lived far away from us. When we went for visits and I tried to help her with housework by sweeping, she'd take the broom away from me and start sweeping. If I tried to stir food on the stove, she'd take the spoon out of my hand and start stirring.All without making any comment. Twice when her son and I had problems because of his drinking and irresponsibility I tried to go to her for advice on how to deal with him. Both times all I got was, "That's just how "we" are. "We" meaning "her" family of which "I" wasn't included. Gotcha. When I started my own business to supplement our family's income she asked me how much money I was taking out of "her" son's pocket for "my" silly little business. I then noticed that my husband would come home from her house and start fights with me about the business. When I asked if his mother was talking smack on me, he denied it but never fought about the business with me again. My husband's take on all this? I'm being too sensitive, he can't believe his mother would say something like that, I must have misunderstood...yeah...right. And about my business, beginning the first year...I make more money than my husband. Sure you don't have any ideas on that battery acid marinara? Just curious;)

Posted on October 25, 2008 18:45

steve said:

you know i guess i am one of the lucky ones,i have had my mil for 19 yrs. & she is the sweetest lady i know. i love her dearly.

Posted on October 25, 2008 21:16

Danielle said:

Wow, being married for two years and the fact that my MIL lives very far away *although visits for almost a month every year* I am surprised to hear exactly the same problems from so many different people! Complaints about standards she's never achieved, a heated recommendation that my husband divorce me the day before our first anniversry, and yet the most shameless bragging of how much we "love" her to whoever has the unfortunate position of communicating with her. All I can say is JEALOUSY...God help me if I can't be better than that in my old age!!

Posted on October 26, 2008 01:01

Lisa said:

My mother in law is just plain mean. I try hard, and are always nice to her because i don't like conflict and i don't wish to upset my husband. But she's gone too far shes a schemer and goes about things behind my back, acts all nice but isn't. I'm really hating her right now mostly because i'm angry that once again i let my guard down she's been mean i haven't told her what she did wrong, and i'm being nice again..... go ahead shoot me again is what i should say... i just don't want to see her anymore, i have read the tips and wish i had them ages ago.... i'm gunna keep my distance, recently i wasn't answering the phone when she rang 'pretending i was out' soo two weeks went by and the next time i was alone with her she confronted me and said do you have a problem with me ? have i don't someting to upset you ? and it wasn't in a nice tone... she's smart and nasty and i'm just thinking of ways to not be mean or a bitchy but not so nice either... arghh soo over her..... read in another article
"remember to keep your distance even when she’s being nice" because they reel you in just so they can stab you !!!!!!.

Posted on November 1, 2008 08:59

Susan in Ohio said:

My mother-in-law will not respect my wishes when it comes to my child. She lets her climb on tables, eat whatever she wants even when she doesn't eat the "good stuff" first, and has very little to do with her grand-daughter that is biological or my son from my 1st marriage. I feel that we are all a family and she can either accept all of us or none of us. She does not ever come to see her granddaughter and we live 7 minutes from them but then complains because my mother is always there every other day (NONE OF HER BUSINESS). She has come into our home and opened my husband's mail, walked through our home when I wasn't there and looked in every room, let herself in with a key that my fil demanded she have upon our buying the new home while we were gone. I have had pictures of ex-girlfriends flung in front of me, she has publicly humiliated me at work in front of people by making ignorant comments and she is constantly sticking her nose where it does not belong. She makes comments about how good looking her son is all of the time and tells me that our children will be pretty because her son was "beautiful" and I'm "pretty". When I was pregnant, she would always say, "OH MY GOD!!! YOU LOOK LIKE YOU ARE GOING TO BUST!!!!" She is an ignorant, rude, self-indulged, selfish B****!! Three days after my brother's funeral, she called me and asked me if I could write a term paper for her. How dare she be so selfish while I was mourning...not one time did she offer to help me. It is always about her. I have invited them to dinner at our home several times and the favor is never reciprocated, I have painted her walls, papered for her, baked birthday cakes, etc....I will never be good enough for her "Little Boy". I am 8 years older than he is and she told him that I was too old for him and that he should be dating younger girls.....I have really just exhausted myself trying to be accepted and have reached the point that I really could care less....

Posted on November 16, 2008 16:31

patty said:

My boyfriends mother is beyond the line where i could save anything. She pretended to like me for over a year, then changed her mind and has done nothing but accuse me of things i have never done and would never intend on doing. She said that i ruined her sons life and dreams, i tore apart his family, and that now that i succeeded my 'mission' i could go and move onto another victim. She has called me everything that i would never wish upon my worst enemy and yet she tries to justify herself by mentioning God and how i will have to face him one day. I have never done anything she claims i will need to repent for and yet she has made the last few weeks hell since her son lives with her.
Im at the end of my rope and its taken a toll on my self worth because i did not think anyone could be so cruel and rotten

Posted on December 5, 2008 12:06

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