Let's Talk About Sex. Again. Some More.

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Published 02.02.2010 | Permanent Link | Comments (13)

Sex. You guys want more sex. In real-life and this column. Noted! So let me make a book recommendation: Kristen Chase's The Mominatrix's Guide to Sex. Sex during pregnancy and immediately postpartum are topics that MAYBE get a few pages in most books. Kristen covers it all. Reading the book made me feel both refreshingly normal AND totally inspired to get over any remaining hangups I have about my battle-scarred body and just enjoy sex for the fun, relaxing thing it is. In fact, the book is so thorough that I actually had a hard time coming up with questions for her, because I'd already learned all the answers from her.

Q. So. First of all, I feel like I could honestly just include an Amazon link to your book and be done with this whole column. Talk about a topic that doesn't get covered in the baby books. So I have to ask...were you always this confident in the postpartum sex area or is this something you've had to work at after each baby? Something you struggled with or was it always a priority?

You know, I was one of those pregnant women that never had the "holy sex batman" moments. It was terribly uncomfortable for me, and so after I had my babies, I was the one with the 6-week countdown calendar. And while I was definitely tired and a bit bedraggled, since I hadn't had sex in moooonths, I really missed the intimacy. Well, at least the hotness. Plus, it made me feel a little bit like my old self when I was basically just a feeding machine.

Q. Any differences between your postpartum experiences that you think affected sex more than others? Things better/worse or easier/harder after baby #1 vs. babies #2 and 3?

After my first, I had a small tear that was repaired and later caused me a bit of pain, but following my 2nd, which also caused a small tear, I felt fantastic. I attribute that to a much quicker and easier labor, as well as a bit better mental preparedness on my part. And #3 just kicked my ass. Having sex was a way to escape the diaper changes and temper tantrums if only for a few minutes. Or hours (if my husband is reading).

Q. Top tips for having sex the first time, post-baby?

Grab some lube and take it slow. And leave your expectations in the diaper pail. Just enjoy those precious minutes alone with your partner when you're not attached to your baby.

Q. Top tips for recovering a lost sex drive?

A woman's sex drive is so multi-faceted that it's important to figure out what factors are contributing to your low libido - whether it's self-image, pain, sleep deprivation, or hormones, just to name a bunch. If you can nail down what it really is (and be honest with yourself and your partner), then you can decide whether you need a break, a gym membership (with babysitting), a nap, a visit to your OB or midwife, or a pair of handcuffs and a whip.

(From Amalah: This is so spot-on. And if I may cut in with a personal overshare: Turns out we needed to up the variety and get a little more adventurous...but I also still found that one of those herbal "women's libido" supplements from Whole Foods did me a world of good. So sometimes it's not even just one thing or the other.)

Q. And lastly...or a new mom struggling with her new (and not necessarily improved) body? I had a huge problem with this, after both babies. I hated my flabby, stretched-out belly and would find myself thinking about it during sex and basically kill the mood over something that my husband swore he didn't even notice. WTF, self?

So many women say that their husbands could have cared less about how they looked and yet they felt extremely uncomfortable. Much of it has to do with what we think is sexy based on our past experiences and what society shoots at us from every angle. Self-acceptance is tough as it is, but when you're sporting a flabby stretched-out belly, leaky boobs, and let's just say it, hemorrhoids, it takes some with super human self esteem to just let go.

But that's why they make light switches, blankets, and sexy lingerie that can hold you in or keep you covered all while allowing full access. Apply that "this too shall pass" attitude you use for the crazy first year to your bedroom antics. It's always easier said than done, but if you go into it with an open mind and a good bra, you might just have more fun then you thought possible.

You may find these interesting also:

- Sex After Baby: How to Get Back in the Saddle Again After Having a Baby
- How to Spice Up Your Post-Kid Marriage (or Relationship)

The "Body After Baby!" Hype Machine

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Published 01.26.2010 | Permanent Link | Comments (42)

All I have today is a rant.

I am really, really sick of those stupid "BODY AFTER BABY" tabloid covers. Particularly as they've gotten more and more insane -- it's no longer enough for a woman to debut a slimmed-down figure a mere six months postpartum, I mean, OBVIOUSLY we've all completely forgotten that she even HAD a baby by that point. No, now everyone is rushing to get these covers out within weeks. OK! Magazine had Kendra Wilkinson on their cover TWO WEEKS POSTPARTUM (albeit with a tiny, slightly convex belly) talking about her exercise routine. And since Kendra had a c-section, this was a good FOUR WEEKS before she would have even been officially cleared to safely exercise.

Now OK! has been outed as completely faking and Photoshopping their latest "exclusive" post-baby body cover: on it, a photo of Kourtney Kardashian (and I just had to check her first name twice, for I have no idea which one is which) is said to have been taken a mere seven days after her baby's birth. Her belly is flat as a pancake, and the accompanying headlines are full of promises to reveal her "secrets" and "hunger-free diet." If she can do it, so can you. So why can't you?

Turns out, though, that OK! yanked the photo from a rival Life & Style shoot and simply altered it to hell. Kourtney tweeted about the OK! photo, rightfully insulted: “One of those weeklies got it wrong again…they didn’t have an exclusive with me. And I gained 40 pounds while pregs, not 26...But thanks!” She then told WWD: “They doctored and Photoshopped my body to make it look like I have already lost all the weight, which I have not.”

The original WAS taken one week postpartum, but as you can see below, Kourtney actually dares to sport a stomach that possibly looks like maybe an entire human being resided there AT SOME POINT in the recent past.

I may be slightly unclear who exactly this woman is and why we should all hold ourselves up to her postpartum example, but I think she looks lovely in the original photo. (And who knows? Maybe that one's been altered too. Maybe there is no original. LOGIC WORMHOLE AHHHHH.) The OK! cover is a such a crappy Photoshopping job to begin with, so it's like, quadrupably insulting that they honestly expect their readers to look at that cover and see something to aspire to. "Yes! I want to look like a cardboard cutout of a bobblehead! As soon as possible!"

But we are, apparently, supposed to do whatever we possibly can to slim down as fast as we possibly can. C-sections or not. Breastfeeding or not. Sleep or not. Healthy or not. And oh! If you think this is just the number on the scale, well, you're still not being hard enough on yourself. What you're really after is your PRE-BABY BODY. Everything back to exactly the way it was before you underwent one of the most profound, life-changing experiences in the world. Your stomach ought to snap back like a rubber band, your breasts should never soften or droop, your hips should not widen or cellulite appear.

Hell, Octomom is prancing around in a bikini on the cover of Star Magazine -- she got a whole year to slim down, but she had EIGHT BABIES. And she thinks any type of surgery is "cheating" and swears that she managed to magically erase her stretch marks, despite the fact that 1) we all saw that she had them, and 2) THERE IS NO WAY TO MAGICALLY ERASE STRETCH MARKS. They fade, sure. They don't disappear. (Unless Photoshop has a cosmetics line now. I'll take some under-eye concealer in about a +3 Gaussian blur.)

I suppose it's kind of pointless to rail online about this and beg magazine publishers to knock this crap off, but...in case you've ever been tempted by those "diet-secret" headlines, or mournfully regarded your stretch marks, or even wondered what's "wrong" with you and your completely and permanently altered post-baby body, put down the weekly rag and go to theshapeofamother.com. This is what women look like, OK! Okay? Good.

Bouncing Back After Breastfeeding

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Published 01.19.2010 | Permanent Link | Comments (16)

Photo by misspiano

A topic request from reader Alissa:

Could you do a kind of a Bounce Back from Breastfeeding post some time? I am in the thick of weaning my almost 1-year-old, because I'd LOVE to have my boobs back (as would my husband, who has been banned from that general area for a LONG LONG time). I am terrified that when I stop nursing I will immediately gain five trillion pounds. I have NO IDEA where to go or how to buy new bras (I've been living in nursing tanks) that actually lift and fit. Without underwire, because underwire drives me batty. Do the 12-year-olds at Victoria's Secret really know how to measure? I don't think there's an actual lingerie store anywhere near me. I'll have to look that one up... Also, as I've been sleeping with a bra on forever - on the rare occasion that I sleep without a bra, my nipples feel all chafed and raw my the morning. Which is WEIRD, right? I mean, how can they hurt any more than when a baby is biting on them? But they really don't like the new "I'm wild and free to move around under this tee shirt all night" feeling. Will that go away, I hope? Could I put something on my nipples to help with the chafing? Or do I just need to wear something tighter than a tee shirt to bed? Oh, my husband would LOVE that!

Happy to oblige! We love talking about boobs 'round these parts. While we already talked about postpartum boob changes in a general sort of way (i.e. saggy vs. perky vs. everything else), let's see if we can offer something a little more instructional and practical for postpartum/postnursing boobcare.

Will I gain weight once I stop breastfeeding?

No, there is nothing about the weaning process that causes weight gain. Yes, nursing burns additional calories and many of us are guilty of eating with wild abandon and must adjust our diet, but after nursing for a year and adding solids and eliminating feedings it's really unlikely that nursing is burning ALL THAT MANY calories for you anymore. You aren't producing milk at the same rate because your child is no longer wholly dependent on you for nutrition. Cut out an extra snack, switch to nonfat milk, dial back on the butter -- a couple tweaks are probably all you need to balance out your calories and keep your weight steady.

Many women actually report LOSING weight once they wean, as if their bodies were deliberately holding on to 10 pounds of emergency padding. I'll tell ya, I was REALLY HOPING this would happen to me. It didn't.

Will I need all-new bras? Where do I get them? When do I get them?

Some women can go unpack a drawer-full of pre-pregnancy bras and be just fine. Others find that the shape and size of their boobs (whether they nurse or not) to be completely different and have to start from scratch with the measuring and bra-buying.

After my first baby weaned, I went and got measured at a fancy lingerie shop. They gave me a positively weird size that could not be purchased in any non-fancy lingerie store. It turned out, though, that I was a bit premature with the fitting. My boobs had not fully settled, or something, because after another month or so those bras DID NOT FIT. They were all wrong, in both the cup and band size. I've since read that it can take up to six months for milk ducts to fully shrink up, so don't waste your money on amazing bras the very week your milk dries up. I learned my lesson this time and bought some inexpensive stopgap bras at Target and GapBody and then got measured (at Nordstrom) a couple months later once I felt things were more or less staying the same.

While I was on maternity leave we had a great guest author over at the Advice Smackdown write about everything you need to know about getting a proper bra fitting: how to find a store, what to expect, where to buy expensive sizes for less, etc. (Hint: Do not ever, ever get fitted at Victoria's Secret.) My only caveat with the bra fittings is that like all apparel, the sizes are not 100% universal, so just because the nice lady with the measuring tape tells you that you're a 34B, it doesn't mean that all 34B bras in all stores and brands will fit you. You're still going to have to try on different styles and sizes sometimes to find the best fit. But a proper fitting will help you recognize when a bra fits (and when it doesn't) and hopefully give you a couple options and brands to get you started.

When can I stop sleeping in a bra?

I stayed in my nursing tanks for a few weeks after Ezra weaned -- it just seemed like good sense to keep the bewbs supported round-the-clock what with all the changes going on inside. I did not have any of the chafing problems you mention...that could simply be something that will go away once your nipples are no longer regularly getting bitten (OH, YOU HAVE MY SYMPATHIES) or exposed to moisture and suckling. Have you tried busting out the good ol' Lansinoh cream again? (Or unrelated to breastfeeding, do you happen to wash your nursing tanks and bras in a different detergent than the rest of your clothes? It could be an allergy.)

Nipple sensitivity SHOULD stop when breastfeeding stops, but if you are uncomfortable at night, look for tanks with the built-in shelf bra. Plenty of non-nursing tanks have them -- I have dozens of them, from Old Navy, GapBody, pretty much any store that sells inexpensive basics. Athletic apparel stores also sell them -- check out the Yoga department for hybrid tank/sports bra things. Target's a great place to buy PJ sets that include tight, form-fitting tanks and tops that will both help keep your boobs more or less in place while also satisfying the hubby's wishes that you not wear four layers of protective undergarments to bed. HA.

Gift Ideas for the New Sibling

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Published 01.12.2010 | Permanent Link | Comments (8)

Photo from Pink Loves Brown

Hi Amy,

I don't know if this is more a Bounce Back or an Advice Smackdown question so do with it what you will :)

Our good friends are currently pregnant with their second child and of course we will be dropping by with gifts after the little bundle of joy arrives. I know what I'm bringing the baby (Sophie the giraffe) and the parents (a couple of homemade frozen meals). Where I'm stumped is on what to bring their older son. I know I could bring him some random toy but I was wondering if you (and my fellow readers) had any suggestions of good "I just became an older sibling" gifts. Oh, the child in question will be about 26 months old when his brother is born.

Thanks,
Kate

So I am (obviously) decreeing this to be a Bounce Back topic because...well, it's a good Bounce Back topic. What's a good gift for a brand-new sibling?

Honestly, probably any toy that would make a good gift period. While I reveled in the cutesy matching "I'm the Big Brother/Little Brother" shirt-and-onesie sets, Noah was about as impressed as he'd be with socks on Christmas morning. And after opening his intended gifts from friends and family, he still invariably claimed the baby toys as his own as well. (We're STILL working on the whole idea of which toys "belong" to who, and probably will until Ezra is old enough to personally lay claim to his things. For now, most gifts still end up in a community sort of pile, no matter what the manufacturer's recommended age.)

Point is, don't be surprised if an older sibling tosses your carefully chosen gift aside and goes NUTS over Sophie the Giraffe instead. Don't put any pressure on him (and this goes doubly for you parents out there) -- there will be plenty of time to work on property rights and the polite response to presents later; the first days after a new sibling arrives just isn't it. A newborn is all but guaranteed to ignore any and all gifts, and even a two-year-old will pick up on the fact that suddenly everybody is expecting "more" of him.

Here are some of the things we learned through the many various takes on new-sibling gifts we both received AND tried ourselves:

1. For toddler/young preschooler-aged siblings, consider identical gifts, or close to it. A big and small version of the same stuffed toy, the same book (maybe one board and one hardcover), anything that will satisfy a younger child's enormous sense of "fairness."

2. For the "I'm a big kid" obsessed, get something markedly different. Noah was not -- at the time, anyway -- a big fan of being called a "big kid." He was very aware and protective of his status as our "baby." For a kid like him, the identical gifts were a good idea. For other kids, not so much. For a child determined to separate her/himself from the new sibling, maybe her own handbag or briefcase or other grown-up-like dress-up clothes. (Hell, your clothes. Take an old purse and fill it with Dollar Store gizmos. Instant Awesome.) Toy (or real-but-no-longer-active) cell phones or anything that encourages grown-up imitative play are usually pretty satisfying for the I'm A Big Kid Now set.

3. Just ask the parents. Really. We're used to it. We appreciate it. We keep Amazon Wish Lists for just this purpose, because we know. Kids have specific tastes, and nobody wants money and space going toward yet another overpriced doohickey that no one will play with. And kids tends to have a HELLUVA lot of toys, so duplication is easy. (Chances are your friends already have the "I'm A Big Brother" books and practice baby doll covered.) When baby registering for Ezra, I added a few small toys (most under $10) for Noah onto our registry after many requests. It was great -- when packages arrived for the baby, there was usually a small something for the big brother. A toy train, a DVD, a book about pirates. You guys know I'm not a big fan of the terrible gimmes that usually accompany registries, but this seemed like a good solution for everybody.

4. For gifts that will arrive pre-birth (either by mail or at a shower) consider a "Countdown Box." I wrote about these way back in the Zero to Forty days. Noah didn't really grasp the concept of "time" as the end of my pregnancy approached, and his set of Countdown Boxes were really the only things that really seemed to resonate with him. Yes, when all the boxes are open, Mama will go to the hospital and have Baby Brother. (It was a bit more certain for us, with the scheduled c-section, but you can just use a due date and then switch to a calendar to mark off days if mom goes overdue.) (And you can order just the empty, numbered boxes and fill them yourself.)

5) For gifts at the hospital, get something that can be OPENED and PLAYED WITH. For Noah's gift from us, we got him multiple Thomas the Tank Engine-themed Duplo sets, one for each day I'd be in the hospital. They stayed behind when he went home, and the next day he could open another and expand the track. It kept him occupied and actually HAPPY to arrive there each day. The problem was, of course, at the end of my hospital stay we had about 14 bajillion Duplo blocks and pieces to pack up and haul off to the car. So while I still think it's a Really Good Thing to give kids some instant gratification during this somewhat stressful time, be careful about giving gifts at the hospital with a lot of small pieces, or are expensive and irreplaceable in case it gets lost or left behind. Oh, and make sure the toy has the proper batteries.

6) For any gift that accompanies a visit -- pre-birth, hospital, post-birth at home -- PLAY WITH THE CHILD. Our trainset idea may have had some logistical drawbacks, but oh, how Noah loved it. Daddy opened the boxes and set it up with him! Grandpa got down on the floor and played with him! Friends came to visit and dutifully oohed and ahhed over his creation! At home, friends came with a small indoor bowling set they'd picked up at Target and indulged him in several games before turning their attention on the baby. Buying a book? Offer to read it. Toy cars? Let's have a race. Sip invisible tea with the big sister with Styrofoam cups, play hide-and-seek with the big brother in the hospital lobby. Don't force it (or get hurt if the child wants nothing to do with any of it), but at least make an effort to show that you still think they're pretty cool to hang out with, even if they aren't the littlest one in the room.

The Moment I Saw You

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Published 01.05.2010 | Permanent Link | Comments (95)

Photo by jamesbrandon

Someone gave me a lullaby CD at my first baby shower -- Nicolette Larson's Sleep Baby Sleep -- with the promise that it was audio baby Valium, guaranteed to settle any fussy baby right down. It sat in the shrinkwrap for a few months because we were high-minded music snobs who only played stuff like Johnny Cash and the Beatles for our little musical genius, but while packing for our first substantial road trip with Noah I impulsively grabbed it *just in case.*

A couple hours into the drive we popped that sucker in and BAM. My three-month-old looked at me like, "Are you hearing that voice? THIS is why I howl when YOU sing. I HAVE STANDARDS." And promptly stopped crying and dozed off.

(If you've never heard of Nicolette Larson, allow me to give a thumbs up to this sweet little album, but with the warning to never, EVER look her up on Wikipedia while listening to one of the more sentimental tracks written to her own baby, because your heart will shatter into a bajillion pieces. Oh, God.)

Anyway. I bring this up mostly because of final track is a song called The Moment I Saw You. It's a duet with Graham Nash and goes something like this:

The moment I saw you
I wanted to hold you.
And keep you warm
on a cold gray morn.

The moment I held you
I wanted to kiss you.
And welcome you here
on the day you were born.

This song destroys me EVERY TIME I HEAR IT, including one memorable car ride home, when Noah was already asleep and thus I could really have turned it off but instead I kept listening to it over and over again while tears rolled down my face because in my head I could see the beautiful montage video I could make with it, with my still-longed-for second baby meeting Noah for the first time and WHY WASN'T I PREGNANT YET WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH.

(Spoiler alert: I was soooooo totally pregnant.)

I remember that moment so clearly -- that first glimpse of your baby, the first time you hold them, kiss them, smell them, nurse them. Neither first look was what I hoped for, as I wanted the naked slimy dumped-on-my-chest moment of victory but instead only saw them while strapped to an operating table, after they were swaddled and behatted. I remember I running my fingers under the hat to peek at their matted hair, boggling at how big Noah was and how small Ezra was, ugly crying as I kissed them, my body feeling completely destroyed from the surgery yet the instinct to start mothering my child coursing through my numbed extremities.

My friend once confessed to me that she wasn't sure she even liked her baby for the first couple days, even after having her picture-perfect natural birth. I went to visit her in the hospital after her second baby was born and she expressed her immense relief that she felt "the right way" this time, with the immediate rush of motherly love. She'd been beating herself up for years over that initial reaction, which she thought was "wrong" because everybody else would only talk about how it was the greatest day, the most wonderful thing.

I remember thinking breastfeeding was bizarre the first time with Noah, some trepidation (and even a little embarrassment for some reason) over his 10-pound size, some guilt over my conflicting feelings about having a boy. I remember cradling his foot in my hand for a photo and being shocked at how much bigger it was than any newborn's foot I had ever seen. I remember a nurse instructing me in skin-to-skin contact and giving me the okay to just keep him in bed with me as much as I wanted and only then do I remember falling in love, violently, because oh! Hello! I've wanted you for SO LONG.

I remember thinking that breastfeeding was different from the start with Ezra, how much I missed it and how good he seemed to be at it. I remember wanted to talk about anything other than his size, the reality that my c-section was unnecessary and not what I had pictured. I remember worrying that he was not as cute of a newborn as Noah and feeling awful for even thinking that. I remember wondering why Ezra's eyebrows went all the way to his hairline and if they would stay that way. I remember missing Noah but being exhausted by him and horrified by how big he looked and wanting him to go away after awhile. I remember being alone with Ezra and unwrapping him and undoing my gown and curling up with him close to me and seeing him open his eyes for the first time and falling in love again, so deeply that I gasped, because oh! Hello! I've wanted you for SO LONG.

It's an overwhelming moment where your entire life changes forever...but also so simple. Kiss. Hold. Warmth. Marvel.

Today's writing challenge: Your turn. Describe what that moment was like, for you. Go!

When Breastfeeding Sucks

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Published 12.29.2009 | Permanent Link | Comments (37)

So I've been trying to write about this topic for...oh...I don't know. Ages. It keeps coming up as A Topic I Should Cover but then I try to write about it and give up after a few halfhearted paragraphs.

Look. Sometimes breastfeeding doesn't work out. Like, at all. Or even just enough. Sometimes you have to quit. Sometimes you just want to quit.

I have a hard time writing about this topic NOT because I don't believe that, or because I secretly think that women who quit just didn't TRY HARD ENOUGH or didn't read the right book or go to the right lactation consultant or do X, Y, and Z while using the right pillow and the proper football hold. I have a hard time writing about this topic because I know that there's nothing I can say that will stop some people from thinking those things...about other women, or about themselves. We're all just so hard on each other, and ourselves.

Whenever I see this topic come up on the Internet, the following drama seems to unfold:

A woman on the verge of quitting posts her struggles, her difficulties, her admission that she hates it and wants to quit but worries she'll regret it, that she'll be letting her baby down, face judgment from friends and family, her exhaustion and frustration dripping through every word she types.

A few supportive comments trickle in, tempered with well-meaning but unasked-for advice and solutions, like OH, HAVE YOU SEEN A LACTATION CONSULTANT? HAVE YOU TALKED TO LA LECHE LEAGUE? I HAD ALL THOSE PROBLEMS TOO BUT THEN I DID X, Y, AND Z AND NOW I'M STILL NURSING AND IT'S GREAT. YOU CAN DO IT! BREAST IS BEST! YOU JUST HAVE TO KEEP TRYING.

A few more supportive comments trickle in, tempered with well-meaning but perhaps specious anecdotal proof that FORMULA EXISTS FOR A REASON. IT IS JUST AS GOOD. DON'T LISTEN TO THE BOOB NAZIS, MY KIDS NEVER GOT A DROP OF BREASTMILK AND THEY ARE ALL ASTRO-PHYSICISTS AT HARVARD, WHILE MY SISTER BREASTFED HER KIDS BUT THEY'RE ALL IN JAIL. FACT!

Then it devolves from there. Knee-jerk judgment over anyone who dares to quit and NOT feel terrible about it. Supportive breastfeeding advocates getting grouped together with genocidal maniacs. Everyone getting defensive over exactly when it's "okay" to quit and when it's not, the implicit suggestion that you always could have done more, tried harder, aren't a good mother because you just flat-out hated it all, or needed to go back to work, or required medication or surgery, or just the occasional break that a bottle of formula offered.

One draft I wrote actually did try to list out a lot of circumstances that might mean breastfeeding wasn't the best option, but I quickly deleted it because duh, like it's at all up to ME to decree what's an "acceptable" reason for any grown-ass woman to opt for one feeding method over another.

Breastfeeding was really, really important to me. It was...not really great, the first time around, and never worked the way I wanted it to. By the time I quit (or really, "we" quit, as Noah was pretty much over it by five months or so), I was a weird mix of disappointment and relief and resentment and wistfulness. I was glad I got to nurse at all, I was sad I couldn't nurse longer, I was finally okay with the fact that I could stop and still be exactly the mother I always wanted and needed to be...and yet I was mostly afraid I was going to get judged or graded by someone.

So...I guess that's the only thing I really want to say about this topic, at least for now:

Sometimes it doesn't work out the way you hoped or thought. Sometimes you have to quit. I totally understand, and you don't have to defend yourself to me or anyone. I'm sorry if you're sad about it. I'm happy if you're happy about it. I'm proof that it might work out differently next time if you try again; I'm absolutely no reason you should feel like you have to try again if you don't want to. Fist bump to anyone who tried and did or couldn't and didn't.

Photo by hapal

More posts on Breastfeeding:

- Breastfeeding Articles on the Advice Smackdown
- Breastfeeding Articles on Bounce Back.

Stepping Out, Without My Baby

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Published 12.22.2009 | Permanent Link | Comments (9)

Photo by pink_fish13

So at some point, you may start thinking -- dreaming! wishing! longing! -- about leaving the house. By yourself, with your husband, partner, friends. To dinner, a movie, happy hour, the stupid shopping mall for the love of God, you don't care, you just want to put on real clothes and maybe some makeup and spend two hours free of the fear that someone is going to vomit into your cleavage.

How Soon Is Too Soon?

Well, the night you get discharged from the hospital is probably a bad time for theater tickets, but it's really, really okay to take an outside-the-house break occasionally once healthy weight gain and good feeding habits have been established. (And milk is accepted from someone other than you, of course.) We went out for a dinner alone for the first time -- perhaps two or three hours, leaving the baby in the care of our mothers -- when each of the boys was between two and three weeks old. Noah was still getting regular formula supplements and Ezra also had no trouble going between breast and bottles of pumped milk.

If you're exclusively breastfeeding without any bottles and still find yourself really, really needing a break, try arranging a date brunch or lunch on the weekends instead, to avoid the nighttime cluster-feedings that so many newborns do. I found Ezra's morning feeding schedule to be slightly more spaced-out and predictable than the frantic nonstop rooting and snacking he did in the evenings.

Who Watches the Baby?

We left Noah with a babysitter (as in, a stranger we paid, whom we were not related to) when he was five weeks old. Looking back, I have NO IDEA how I did that without experiencing some kind of paranoid breakdown. I think I was just that tired. (And it was a pretty important, awesome event that I'm glad we attended, and oh yeah! That sitter is now one of my dearest friends.) But really, it was a little trial-by-fire trust moment that taught me that the world would not end if I left my baby in the care of another. Considering I went back to work full-time less than seven weeks later, it was a good moment to have.

Obviously, family usually comes with a bit more of a built-in comfort level. (MAYBE. If writing the Advice Smackdown has taught me anything, is that that grandparents can sometimes be less preferable to a professional sitter with good references.) I'm a big fan of dads getting lots of chances at solo parenting too, so mom can take a break. Barring that, don't forget about any and all friends who offered babysitting help. Before we had children I remember offering our friends a night out, then later listening to her complain about how long it had been before they found a sitter and could go anywhere. When I reminded her that Jason and I would have loved to come over and care for her daughter, she admitted that she "felt bad" asking and didn't think we were serious.

If you have friends who already have kids, offer to swap sitting services once a month. Babysitters are expensive (ours generally always have nicer handbags and shoes than I do), so seriously, learn to love the mutual mooching.

(And while I cannot speak for everybody, yes, even with two children already, I would start foaming at the mouth at the chance to babysit someone's itty bitty newborn. And the older my kids get, the more willing I am. LEMME AT UR BAYBEE NOM NOM.)

But Will I Actually Have Any Fun?

Look, I know some mothers absolutely cannot fathom leaving their baby for even an hour. Lots of mothers, actually. I can do little more than nod in awe and applaud their dedication and patience levels, because I -- particularly since staying home full-time -- would pretty much lose my mind if I didn't get away from them once in awhile.

Leaving a newborn in the care of another IS stressful though, and I don't care if your husband DID virtually beat down five other people on Craigslist for those concert tickets, you're not being ungrateful if you're less than 100% jazzed at the idea and need some coddling yourself.

Have your sitter or caretaker arrive early, so you can walk them through every possible scenario and swaddling technique and show the contents of every dresser drawer -- even if it's mostly for your benefit. Hand them the baby while you get dressed to ease your way into the transition. Ask them, if possible, to text your phone with updates ("just drank 4 oz!" "sound asleep!") so you are less tempted to call six times in one hour. Though...call if you want to, as often as you want to.

If you're breastfeeding, carry extra nursing pads. When I was going through some crazy oversupply troubles, I brought along a small dismantled hand pump (thank goodness for big oversized purses) so I didn't have to spend the second hour of our dinner with painful rockboobs. If you're drinking at all, test your breastmilk with a Milkscreen strip when you get home before you pump or feed the baby. Depending on your body's metabolism, one or two glasses of wine may not necessarily mean an automatic pump-and-dump, but it's best to test and be sure.

But Will I Scar The Baby For Life?

Okay, I'm guessing no one really asked this question, but I wanted to end on an! upbeat! note! And say! One more time! IT'S OKAY TO TAKE A BREAK. TO LEAVE YOUR BABY IN THE TRUSTED CARE OF ANOTHER. We all want our babies to love and bond with us, but being cared for by Daddy or Grandma or Auntie Jane while Mommy has some grown-up time and conversation -- or even just goes to the salon to get her roots done and tacks on a bonus pedicure and lingers over a fashion mag -- is a good thing for you both.

I still have a prescription slip from the lactation consultant who finally helped Noah and me get past the worst of our early breastfeeding woes. Once my milk finally came in and Noah's weight went back up and latching and pumping and supplementing were all working reasonably well, she scribbled down some homework to complete before my next visit.

"Dinner AND a movie!" it reads.

Baby's First Holiday

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Published 12.15.2009 | Permanent Link | Comments (0)

So I had this great idea for yet another holiday-themed column: I'd write one chock-full of awesome, creative ideas for commemorating baby's first Christmas and Hanukkah.

Except I actually didn't HAVE any awesome, creative ideas. With two babies born in the early fall, our first Decembers with them are a blur, with Christmas coming right as we hit the infernal wall of sleep deprivation. I am pretty sure we managed to put up a tree. We got some truly terrible photos taken with Santa. We drove to see family. People held the baby while I practiced sleeping with my eyes open. My mom got Baby's First Christmas bibs at Target, and we did get a couple adorable dated Christmas ornaments to get misty-eyed and sentimental over -- but even these are totally thanks to friends, family and even BLOG READERS, who were way more on top of the occasion than we were.

(Noah and Ezra DID at one point wear obnoxiously adorable matching holiday sweaters, but Ezra threw up on his right after breakfast. My tip: BUY A BACKUP.)

Basically, if it were up to me, I probably would still be scouring ornament discount racks for the 2008 Baby's First Christmas ornament that I forgot to buy, or cheat by getting something custom-backdated on Etsy.

Luckily, AlphaMom has a team of bloggers who excel at just this very thing, so I am thrilled to present a Bounce Back collaboration with the ladies of Once Upon a Holiday, as they share their Baby's First Holiday stories...and ideas for how they might do it if they had the chance to do all over again.

Marie LeBaron:

Our family has had a fun tradition we do when one of our three babies has been born. We introduce them to the big man in red, Santa! We get dressed up, hit the mall, and stand in line. We love to see these photos and how each of our kids are growing up, (and somehow Santa changes a little each time too!).

Here we are with Santa saying "candy canes" to the camera!

Ellen Luckett Baker:

Since both of my children were born in December, I celebrated their first Christmas by nursing around the clock and waiting for my uterus to shrink back to its normal size! Those were the days. But now that I've had five years since my last child to catch up, I think it would be nice to make handmade baby shoes for the tree. Baby could wear the shoes on Christmas Eve, then you could hang them on the tree. There
re many tutorials available online for baby shoes, including this one from Heather Bailey and this Mary Jane version from Martha Stewart.

I think it would be sweet to cross stitch or embroider the baby's name or first initial on the booties. Or you could buy these adorable miniature-sized shoes, which are just right for hanging on the tree.

(If you make shoes from felt, be sure to use a high-quality wool or wool blend and store it in an airtight container after the holidays.)

Brenda Ponnay:

I celebrated my first Christmas when I was twenty-four. Odd, I know but I was raised in a household that believed Christmas was a heathen holiday. I'd explain more on that but it might turn into a novel. Anyway, I was dating my husband at the time and we thought it would be fun to do a little photo session with myself and some Christmas lights for my first Christmas card. I remember I wore this little white baby doll dress (as was the fashion back in the 90's) and some big clunky working man boots. I thought I was the height of fashion. We dangled Christmas lights in my hair and my professional photographer boyfriend made them all blurry and pretty with some fancy filter on his camera lens. It was all very romantic from my point of view. Then we printed them and slapped them on some cards. I wrote by hand on each one "Baby's First Christmas" because it was my first Christmas after all and I was somebody's baby. It seemed really funny and cute at the time but I think all my friends thought it confusing and lame.

When my baby had her first Christmas, we used a picture of her on the beach for her first Christmas card. I do have a photo of her playing in Christmas lights but I did NOT put that one on my card because I didn't want anyone to remember my silly first Christmas incident.

Isabel Kallman:

I went to one of those paint your own pottery places and had my baby son’s footprint put on half a dozen coffee mugs which was then gifted to grandparents, godparents, etc. Our theme was snowflakes. Then we had some corny saying. Everyone loved it. So much so that no one uses their coffee mug in fear of it breaking.

Cindy Hopper:

I do love the idea of making (or buying) a special stocking and on the back in fabric marker, or on a slip of paper for the inside writing a special memory from their first Christmas. My mom had a lady hand knit a special stocking for each of my children's first Christmas.

The best advice I got for celebrating a baby's first Christmas -- was that they won't know if they don't get any presents. This reminded us to not go overboard!

Gift Ideas for the New Mom

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Published 12.08.2009 | Permanent Link | Comments (5)

Not exactly a holiday gift guide, but more of an any-time-of-the-year guide, but we're publishing it right before the holidays. And technically it's probably more useful to friends and family of postpartum moms than to actual postpartum moms, but...whatever. IT'S TIMELY. AND EVERYBODY LIKES PRESENTS.

Option #1: Spa gift certificates

By far the most popular, most obvious choice for a tired, stressed-out new mother. Pampering! Send her to a spa! Done! Well...hang on there. How about a couple suggestions first.

1) Don't buy for a specific service, i.e. a massage. She might not be comfortable stripping down for a masseuse or body scrub quite yet. A manicure probably won't survive very long and could be an incredibly fleeting pleasure. Facials, hair care services and pedicures are better options, so go for a set dollar amount at a spa that offers as many services as possible.

2) If you do know exactly what service she'd prefer, make her an APPOINTMENT and pre-pay for it instead of a certificate (don't forget the tip!). Arrange it with her partner for help picking a time when someone else (maybe even you) will stay with the baby and let her GO. After Noah was born Jason simply went and made me a spa day appointment and sent me on my way one morning -- he'd taken a day off and arranged everything. This time, I've had a gift certificate languishing in my dresser drawer since last Christmas.

Option #2: Date nights

Give both them a night off with a restaurant and/or movie gift certificate...along with a promise to babysit. Know that some new parents may have trouble accepting your offer, though, either because they'll feel strange asking or are just plain uncomfortable leaving their newborn, so you may need to be patient and remind them of your offer now and again.

Option #3: Practical services

I get a lot of Advice Smackdown questions from concerned long-distance friends about the lack of a local support network for their pregnant friends. Some ideas to provide some super-helpful day-to-day support could include gift cards for maid services, one of those make-and-take assembly kitchens or food delivery service (Take Out Taxi, for example) or a membership to a nanny/babysitter locating service like Sittercity.com. If you're throwing her a shower, consider a group gift of money that could go towards hiring a postpartum doula. (I'd highly recommend this option for someone having her second or third or more child: she's probably pretty well set for gear and clothing, but an extra set of capable, non-related-to-her hands to help after the birth would be absolutely priceless.)

Option #4: Actual Gifts of the Non-Gift-Card Variety

Nursing pajamas: I've mentioned these before, I KNOW, but by gum, I'm plugging them again. When you're swollen, bleeding, leaking and other ENORMOUSLY FUN VERBS, there's nothing better than comfy, supportive pajamas and nightgowns. I wore mine in the last weeks of pregnancy all the way up to...well, last night, actually. They're very versatile. Check out nursinggowns.com.

Diaper bag: Yes, she probably already has one, but no matter. She'll buy another, most likely. And then one more after that. The quest for the Perfect Diaper Bag is never-ending. A rookie mom will likely have bought a big behemoth of a bag with five frillion pockets and a giant bottomless pit. Treat her to something smaller and more purse-like for when she finally learns to streamline. I totally covet one of the Petunia Pickle Bottom Touring Totes for short outings and errands. (Or, if she's already set with a gorgeous girly bag and you need a gift for him, I definitely think every couple also needs one unisex, utilitarian bag that can be traded off between parents during the day without making dad feel silly. We have a Diaper Dude and I gotta admit...it's the best diaper bag I've ever owned. And I own a lot of them.) (Still doesn't stop me from drooling over them at stores, though. It's a SICKNESS.)

(If you're looking to stay within a less-luxe budget, one of those diaper changing pod/station/mini-bags is a much more exciting option than you'd think. A friend gave us the JJ Cole version and hot damn, not a day goes by when I don't mentally thank them for it. No more digging around in a bag for stuff stashed in three different places! No more lugging the whole bag into public restrooms for every single diaper change! I don't know why I didn't have one of these the first time around.)

Jewelry: Mama/baby jewelry has come a looooooong way from lockets or cheesy lumpy-person-shaped pendants. Thanks to Etsy, you can easily find affordable, custom jewelry for just about any taste. I love the simple stamped metal discs with baby's name and birthdate, or the soldered photo pendants, or the "mama bird" nest designs...while other sellers do lovely stuff with birthstones and beads. For a breastfeeding mom, check out the nursing bracelets. Basically, whatever you dream up, there's someone on Etsy who can make it. If the sheer volume of options makes you go a little deer-in-the-headlights, check out Cool Mom Picks first and go from there.

For a mom whose baby is in that "I want to rip off all your jewelry and shove it in my mouth" stage, there's the stuff by SmartMom. I have one of their pendants and it's BRILLIANT. I'd given up on wearing necklaces (even though I usually never leave the house without one) as Ezra still grabs and chews on everything within reach. At first glance, the pendants and bracelets look like they're made of some kind of stone -- it's not until you actually touch them do you realize it's actually a pliable teething material. Baby can yank and gnaw all he wants and do no damage.

Photo organizing: For new parents taking a bazillion new photos, there are a TON of useful options. Get them extra memory cards for their camera, an inexpensive photo printer, photo editing software, scrapbooking tools, albums, frames, a pro account at Flickr, etc. Make them a photo book or album using pictures you've taken or ones they've sent you. Load up iMovie or Windows Movie Maker and create a photo montage video set to her favorite song.

More Gift Guides!

- Holiday-Themed Gifts for Kids (2009)
- Holiday-Themed Gifts for Kids (2008)
- Great Stocking Stuffer Ideas (2009)
- Great Stocking Stuffer Ideas (2008)
- The Advice Smackdown Holiday Baby Gift Guide
- The Advice Smackdown Holiday Preschooler Gift Guide
- The Advice Smackdown Holiday Beauty Gift Guide
- Best Holiday Hostess Gifts 2008
- Unique Hostess Gifts (2007)
- Gifts for School-Aged Kids (2008)
- Gifts for Young Kids: our favorites (2008)
- Mother's Day Gift Ideas
- Father's Day Gift Ideas

Postpartum Party Dresses

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Published 12.01.2009 | Permanent Link | Comments (3)

The Advice Smackdown question queue is littered with variations of the same, desperate question: I just had a baby and have to go to a wedding/holiday party/fancy gala/ball at the prince's castle. I need to breastfeed/pump/hide the belly/not feel like I just had a baby. WHAT DO I WEAR?

I was hit with this conundrum both times. Multiple times. My babies arrived in the early fall and then next two or three months were chock full of charity events and holiday parties and I hardly ever get invited anywhere to begin with, so I was already behind the eight ball when it came to figuring out flattering, dress-code appropriate options. Add in my new boobs and curves and the need for either regular access to said boobs and/or a really serious bra and nursing pads AND a grabby infant who was perfectly willing to flash the entire neighborhood...and suddenly my go-to spaghetti-strap body-clinging Little Black Dress wasn't going to cut it. So what do you WEAR when you're newly postpartum or nursing (or both) and you absolutely, 100% cannot wear sweatpants?

I think what throws a lot of women is the belief that oh! I should wear a dress explicitly designed for nursing. And they Google "nursing cocktail dresses" and find a lot of super-expensive (yet not-super-awesome) options. I mean, I'm sorry, but two months after giving birth there was NO WAY I was going to head out in a skin-tight maternity dress designed to let me breastfeed my baby THROUGH THE ARMPITS.

That said, it doesn't hurt to rifle through your maternity wardrobe -- a lot of the nicer brands are designed to get a second lease on life as nursing wear these days. If you packed up anything you outgrew in the second trimester, you might be surprised at how non-maternity it looks without a belly underneath, and how nursing-friendly the bodice is. If you don't have anything, ask around. Like nice maternity winter coats, cocktail and evening dresses don't necessarily get worn that often. If any of your friends went to a wedding or office party within a year of giving birth, chances are they have something they can lend you.

Because, of course, if you DIDN'T splurge and treat yourself to a nice maternity dress or two during pregnancy, the last thing that would make sense is to go and spend a couple hundred dollars on a "nursing/maternity" dress NOW. So...unless you're planning on another pregnancy in the fairly near future, step away from the trendy maternity/nursing-wear websites.

But before you run to your favorite store and grab the first plunging neckline and/or billowy waistline you see, give it a critical eye for future tailoring. If you've still got baby weight to lose, who wants to end up with an fancy party dress that will ultimately end up being one or two sizes too big? Get something you can get tailored and taken in once your boobs and...well, everything else...go back to "normal."

Okay! Let's ooh and ahh over some dresses. These are totally just EXAMPLES, by the way, of styles that I think are particularly flattering in the right places, or have the right-ish sort of neckline for nursing, pumping or just generally allowing for the supportive undergarments that breastfeeding boobs require.

(And of course, be sure to revisit the Price Tag Cage Match on shapewear garments that our dear Isabel wrote when I was, in fact, uber-newly postpartum and wearing nothing but sweatpants.)

Silk taffeta ruffle wrap dress, JCrew.com

If you do visit a "nursing wear" website or five, you'll see that wrap dresses are by far the most popular style. And with good reason -- they're incredibly flattering for curvy, hourglass types, show cleavage that's sexy but not pr0ny, and allow easy access to le boobs with just the loosening of a sash. I like this dress by JCrew more than most of the options out there, however, because of the fabric choice. Unlike the stretchy, form-fitting rayon most of the nursing/maternity dresses are made of, this dress has a nice gathered waist to better hide a postpartum pooch AND would be much easier to take in once you stop nursing and your boobs shrink. (And while the sale colors are nice, I freaking LOVE that silvery grayish pewter shade. Add some yellow gemstones or a canary yellow and black clutch? Eeeeee! So cute.)

Faux-wrap shirred dress, Banana Republic

That said, there is NOTHING wrong with flaunting postpartum curves. NOTHING. The shirring on this dress is in just the right place to provide a little camo...but the overall cut of the dress is so classic and clean you certainly don't look like you're trying to hide anything. Bonus points for being another dress with some freaking sleeves, too. I'm not sure if the "faux-wrap" part means that the bodice is sewn shut, but if you do encounter that and need to nurse, you can always yank out the seam and then wear an easily-removable brooch to keep the top accessible yet gap-free.

Twist wrap dress, Banana Republic

A combination of the previous two: a crisscross v-neck is perfect for nursing, a fuller skirt and ruching hides what you want to hide, the bright color is great for announcing to a room that while you just had a baby, you certainly aren't planning to blend into the wall. (Though tailoring this one down might be a bit more difficult and/or costly.)

Chiffon tuxedo ruffle dress, Ann Taylor Loft

One word: buttons. I mean, DUH. Any dress with buttons hits the nursing jackpot. It could be anything from a classic shirtdress to a cardigan-style sweater dress, but for a more fancy occasion I love this one. And again, ruching + belly = post-baby win. You'd probably need to do a test run to make sure the top has enough "give" to let you actually get a boob out, but keep in mind that buttons don't have to always mean a shirt and skirt to be practical.

Luella knit dress, Nordstrom

So for all my attempts to discreetly nurse in tops and dresses that had secret flaps and slits or pulled up and off to the side...my favorite clothes to nurse in were totally the ones with a simple elastic neckline, loose enough to just get yanked down in a single motion, along with my bra. This year, with all the big voluminous tops and dolman sleeves, you can find a lot of similar necklines, which are always good for the bigger busted or hourglass figured. Bring a delicate crocheted shawl or wrap for tossing over your shoulder and decolletage while you nurse.