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Published 05.20.2008 | Permanent Link | Comments (13)
Your Baby:
You:
At some point between 18 and 20 weeks, you'll probably have an ultrasound. While more and more of us are getting at least one first-trimester ultrasound these days, the big midway-point ultrasound is still the first glimpse a lot of women get of their babies. (Midway-point. Really. We're practically there, oh. Mygod.)
There really are a slew of medical reasons for this ultrasound since the baby's organs are clearly visible and many medical issues and potential problems can be spotted, but of course, the Big Reason many of us get super jazzed about the ultrasound is because of the Big Reveal of the baby's sex.
(Side note to everybody everywhere who talks about this ever: Sex is biological, as in male and female and X and Y chromosomes. Gender is a social construct of what constitutes feminine vs. masculine behavior. Therefore, you are learning the baby's sex, not its gender. Thank you. Love, Amy's Explody Head.)
Of course, sometimes your baby doesn't cooperate and remains tightly leg-crossed throughout the exam. And it seems like everybody knows somebody who was told one thing at the ultrasound and were completely surprised with the other at birth. (I don't, personally. At least not first-hand, or even a reliable second-hand. While I don't doubt for a second that it DOESN'T happen, most of the instances I was warned about while stocking up on blue last time had a bit of that "my cousin's roommate's best friends" vibe to them.)
If you aren't 100% convinced, scan those photos and get thee to the Internet, where there is a huuuuge community of armchair ultrasound experts who would be more than happy to analyze and interpret your child's bits. (And know that third-trimester ultrasounds are becoming more common as well, particularly if you're over 35 or go past your due date, and you can always ask for confirmation then as well.) (I totally did this, because omg! Didn't you hear what happened to my friend's cousin's roommate's best friends?)
If you DON'T want to know, you can still have the ultrasound and even keep your eyes open the whole time -- just tell the technician to keep that area off the screen as much as possible and to offer no hints or interpretations. I was POSITIVE Noah was a girl for most of our ultrasound as the tech merrily moved the wand from place to place, checking measurements and organs. I have NO idea what I was really looking at, but it sure as hell wasn't what I thought it was, because once he asked us if we wanted to know the sex and moved the wand to the correct area...well, there was noooooo mistaking that we had ourselves a son. But until I was told what I was specifically looking at, the only thing I could accurately identify most of the time was his giant head, and even then I probably might have been looking at his butt.
So what if ONE of you wants to know and the other one doesn't? Well, as the mother and principal gestater, I tend to say you should get your way and be allowed to make the final call. But I know it's not always that easy. I don't have any super-creative ideas or solutions, since we've always been more or less in agreement. Jason has never once wavered on his desire to know as soon as possible with both pregnancies, and while he pretended to indulge my harebrained idea to not find out this time, he knows me well enough to know that when push came to shove and that baby was on the ultrasound screen, I would cave and beg and plead for a peek between the legs. (We all took our best guesses at 12 weeks, but will be getting another look and hopefully a for-sure answer at 20.)
The best solution for couples who disagree seems to be the "results in a sealed envelope" tactic. So if the hold-out changes his or her mind, you can choose to open the envelope together and ta-da! Hooray. Or you can send it through the paper shredder together and remove the temptation completely.
The thing is...you'll be surprised at 18 weeks, or 20, or 40. If you love the mystery and the wait, then this is by far the biggest and most exciting mystery you'll ever wait for. If you cannot stand not knowing as much as possible about this baby, knowing the sex can play a huge role in your prenatal bonding. I was hugely surprised last time at 19 weeks, and this time I'm feeling more and more like I'll be getting another surprise at 20. Or maybe this baby will be modest and we'll get our surprise at 40 weeks. There's no real wrong answer here, provided that everything is healthy and fine and this little boy or girl stays put until he or she is fully cooked, amen.
Oh Yeah, This: The aforementioned bladder difficulties and the sudden importance of Kegel exercises. There is a certain baked-potato-sized human pummeling my bladder right now and every sneeze or burst of laughter or hell, just standing up to walk across the room is fraught with incontinent danger. AWESOME.
New This Time Around: Probably the biggest reason we've decided to find out the baby's sex is because we're clueless as to how to explain the baby to Noah without at least being able to describe it as a baby brother or sister. So far our attempts to talk with Noah about the baby in Mama's belly have gone completely over his head -- he might retain the vague notion that there's a baby in there for a few minutes, but it's not sinking in at all. We bought a "I'm a Big Brother!" book and I figure I'll get him a toddler-sized baby doll and we'll work on bottles and diapers and no, we don't pick up babies by their eyeballs, honey, but beyond that, I'm still sensing he'll be in for a HUGE WORLD-ROCKING SURPRISE in a few months, and I might as well be spending my time having deep telepathic conversations about babies with my dog.
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Zero to Forty is a week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it. The calendar follows the forty-week model and is complete for now, though the author plans to come back and add some more articles soon.
The follow-up to this column, Bounce Back, is about the postpartum experience -- the good, the bad and the gory. There Amalah is covering everything that happens to your body, mind and circadian rhythms after you have a baby, and (hopefully) help you make sense of the New Normal. You must go read that too!
The column is well-researched but not written by a health care professional. Consider it your internet BFF pregnancy guide. See our legal disclaimer below.
Amy Corbett Storch, aka Amalah, is a freelance writer and professional blogger from Washington, DC. She has since had this baby. His name is Ezra, he was born in October of 2008 and is delicious. Amy's first son Noah is in preschool and he's pretty edible too. NomNomNom.
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Comments (13):
Sarah said:
so this can be less of the "cousin's roommates best friends" variety (er...not that we know each other or anything, but)...my mom had 3 kids, 1 boy and 2 girls in that order. 3 different doctors told her she was having 1 girl and 2 boys...in that order. that was 27 - 20 years ago, but, there ya have it.
Posted on May 21, 2008 10:48
hydrogeek said:
About the peeing thing, leaning forward is good, but another thing I've found to help is to actually lift the belly up. My belly's not even that big yet, but I remember discovering this towards the end of my last pregnancy, and viola, it works at 17 weeks just as well. The advantage is that after about 30 weeks there's not so much 'leaning forward' anymore, ya know? Also, I dreamed last night about peeing on myself. Incontinence fears? Check.
(Just a few more weeks until ultrasound time! SQUEEE!)
Posted on May 21, 2008 12:26
Liesl said:
I totally read that product coupon code as "Mo' Meatloaf."
Not pregnant, just hungry.
Posted on May 21, 2008 12:47
angela said:
When we found out the sex we bought a doll for our son. He will pretend to feed the baby his juice and asks me to put the hat and blanket on. As far as being gentle he does OK, but he is only 18 months. When I ask him where Baby Isabella is he points to my belly button or lifts my shirt. I can ask him to give baby sister kisses and he gives my tummy kisses (more like raspberries). He just started saying baby when he sees a baby and he knows where Baby Isabella's room is in the house. I am due in 3 weeks, so Noah will come around the more you talk about it. Your excitement will make him excited.
Posted on May 21, 2008 13:43
Hanna said:
Hi Amy! I get so excited about the "telling the big brother about the new baby" stuff. We used the I'm a big brother book too (joanna cole?). But I also really loved having a copy of From Conception to Birth. My son, then 10-19 months, didn't see all the pictures of course, but it helped him understand Mommy going to the hospital, etc. He loved to give my belly raspberries and "kiss the baby". (2 more things, then I'll shut up, promise!). We packed him a big brother bag with books and art supplies to bring to the hospital. He got to pick the bag and he colored a picture for his brother right after he got there. Lastly, Brit from Running Stitch has the cutest doll slings in her etsy shop that could go along with Noah's doll.
Thanks!
Posted on May 24, 2008 01:03
LB said:
Hello! For those of you who want to get a great date night out of all of this, you can ask the sonogram technician to write down the baby's sex and seal it in an envelope and then go out for a super-romantic dinner and open the envelope together then. Exciting and delicious!
Posted on July 8, 2008 11:09
Tonya said:
I am in my 18 week and have my next appointment (to hopefully find out the sex) on Sept. 23rd. Which is also my birthday. What an awesome birthday present. I have asked my mom if she would like to go to this appointment with us. I thought it would be cool for her to be there.
P.S. I love this site!!!
Posted on September 8, 2008 17:59
Expecting Two!! said:
Tonya - I am (hopefully) going to find out on the 23rd as well! I will be 19 weeks...with TWINS!! Double prizes!! I hope there is no leg crossing on your birthday. What a great gift!
By the way ... I love this blog. My friend is 8 weeks behind me and I showed her this link and she too loves this site. We get some good laughs and fun info.
Posted on September 17, 2008 19:58
Olivia said:
I just want to say I totally agree with you on the use of sex vs. gender. It bugs me to no end when a medical-type book or website uses gender instead of sex correctly.
My ultra sound is next week and I'm hoping baby spreads 'em wide!
Posted on October 20, 2008 09:12
Sarah said:
Don't know if anyone can answer me but...
I am 18w3d with twins! I felt them a bunch this weekend, but less the past few days- is this normal?
Posted on March 18, 2009 18:50
Maria said:
Gender only refers to a social construct if you subscribe to a certain agenda regarding human sexuality. There are still a lot of us who believe it's ingrained. Thanks, Maria's Explody Head.
Posted on April 20, 2009 11:45
Candace said:
So my good friend was told at her 18 week ultrasound she was having a girl, and she got so excited she and her husband painted the nursery pink, like that weekend,.....only to find out 4 weeks later, you guessed it, it was a little boy. And I must say that little boy is quite delicious. But she was disappointed, then was feeling guilty for her disappointment, then pissed she bought pink paint and wasted a weekend painting a room with it. But they moved into a bigger house with a nursery pre-decorated, and by then she was so exhausted with a toddler and an infant, that kid moved right into that pre-decorated nursery and all was well. It was yellow (with blue accents) :)
So do we think I learned from this and thought, let's wait to buy paint until we have a second confirmation? Hell no! I was at Home Depot this weekend looking at different blues and greens, because I was told I was having a boy, and I have to say, he spread eagled and it was OBVIOUSLY a twig and berries, so I believe I am having a little precious baby boy. Besides I can make light blue work even with a little girl. Pink is pretty hard to make masculine, sorry Ralph Lauren.
So I learn nothing from my first hand story of what's baby's sex confusion and instead choose to believe my sono tech's prediciton made at 17 weeks (Odd timing I know, I have an odd work schedule....)
It's a boy! Yay! I still haven't felt him move though....boo....but its my first so I am waiting! Still not quite sure what it will feel like, but definitely waiting!
Ps. LOVE this calendar. Best thing on the internet, next to your blog Amalah :)
Posted on May 26, 2009 14:34
Amy said:
I'm pregnant w/ my second baby, and this time around I don't want to know the sex. My husband does. So I am not finding out, but letting him name the baby. Everyone thinks I've lost my mind, but that was the deal.
Unfortunately, the Star Trek movie came out recently, and now I'm getting nervous.
Posted on June 14, 2009 20:23