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Week Twenty-One
Published 06.10.2008 | Permanent Link | Comments (13)
Your Baby:
- Is about 10 1/2 inches long, head to toe.
- Passes time by sucking his or her thumb and even opening and closing his or her eyes. And you know, elbowing you in the vital organs.
- Is like, kicking for serious now, and the movements cannot only be felt from the outside, they can often be seen. Lie on your back and watch the weird ripples and dips of baby limbs. (For the full Jurassic Park effect, do this in the tub and watch the water rings vibrate out from your belly.)
You:
- Are possibly getting accosted in public with unsolicited belly rubs and unsolicited pregnancy advice. I'm not sure which is more annoying.
- Oh, so THREE of the pregnancy books I use to compile these bullet thingies mentioned that we should all be feeling downright awesome and fabulous right now. Not too big and uncomfortable, lots of energy, able to sleep through the night without peeing, etc. If that describes you, well...LA DEE FRICKING DA. HOW LOVELY THAT MUST BE FOR YOU.
It was a big week over here in Personal First-Person All-About-Me Land, what with the revelation that we are having another little boy, and then deciding on said little boy's name within about 12 hours of said revelation, and my God, the whole pregnancy endeavor took a wild flying leap out of the figurative-and-hypothetical realm and is now solidly in the my God, my GOD, this is really really real.
And yet...I do this thing, I don't know why, but when I am pregnant I get addicted to the worst-case scenario stories. Last time my husband would arrive home from work and find me parked on the couch, ice cream in hand, mesmerized by the birth shows on TLC and the Discovery Channel. And not the happy gingham-drenched I-gave-birth-in-the-master-bedroom A Baby Story, I'm talking about the drama-heavy When Childbirth Attacks! shows. The pre-eclampsia stories, the micro-preemies, the babies born with terrible, deadly birth defects. The shows were every "Up Next!" commercial bump included a shot of a clearly worried doctor flying into an operating room or an expectant mother turning away from the camera, drenched in sweat and tears.
"Why in the WORLD are you watching this stuff?" my husband would ask, clearly freaked out of his gourd after 15 mere seconds of bloody c-section footage. And I honestly don't know why I watched it. I just sort of...needed to watch it.
He made me promise that I wouldn't watch those shows this time, and I've kept that promise. He probably wouldn't think much of my NEW hobby, however, which is basically the same thing, only in blog form.
"Dead baby blogs" is what one of my friends (and the keeper of such a blog herself) called them. "Stop reading us," she ordered me, after she realized I was reading them while still in the first trimester and sobbing at my laptop every day. I didn't listen.
Stillbirths. Placental abruptions. Incompetent cervixes. Terminations for medical reasons. High-risk multiples. Cord accidents. Waters breaking before viability. And the ever-terrifying "we just don't even know what happened, but we are sorry for your loss nonetheless." I can now recite a morbid anecdote for just about any horror story you'd like to discuss. I am like every awful episode of ER that ever involved a pregnant woman rolled into an all-day marathon.
I absolutely cannot explain this compulsion. I have no excuse for what, on the surface, probably seems like a disgusting penchant for emotional tourism. I read other parents' pain, have myself a good heaving snotty sob on their behalf, and then wander off to contemplate my nursery and affectionately poke the wiggling, kicking little boy in my belly.
I just...need to know. I need to see that you can keep breathing after something like that happens.
Just knowing that horrible things can happen in pregnancy will never "prepare" you for them, if they happen to you. It won't make things hurt less or or make you fold your hands quietly in resignation while the doctor delivers bad news. It does, however, remind me to cherish every moment I do get with my baby, even the uncomfortable "is it October yet?" moments. If something were to go wrong and these weeks of pregnancy were all I ever got to experience with this child, that wouldn't make him less real. Less of my ever-so-loved-already son, who has his big brother's mouth and his own name and his own place in our family.
I don't want to sound trite or sappy here, or imply that I'm using other people's pain to remind me to...I don't know, put on a happy rainbow face or something. So I don't really have a neat little conclusion here, except that one of the biggest surprises about pregnancy and parenthood is that you really do start to feel it all, in a way you've never experienced before. That happiness and sadness and fear and doubt and worry and joy and love are so unbelievably mixed and jumbled up together that you can't separate them out anymore, and to ignore the bad is to do a disservice to the good.
Oh Yeah, THIS: My baby is already measuring slightly bigger than average. So probably no newborn-sized diapers for us. Again. Sheesh. (9 pounds, 15 ounces last time, in case I haven't mentioned that fact 17 zillion times already.)
New This Time Around: I had full-on morning sickness this week. One minute I'm happily eating some eggs and toast and the next minute I'm yakking it all up in the bathroom. But this point last time I had regained the 10 pounds I lost in the first trimester AND THEN SOME, while as it stands right now I am up a whopping four pounds from my first doctor's visit. I would probably be worrying about this, except for, you know, SEE ABOVE, ME AND MAH GIGANTIC BABIES.
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About this column
Zero to Forty is a week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it. New installments will be published on Wednesdays, with other pregnancy-related content and ramblings to be published whenever the columnist can stay awake long enough to type themzzzzzz.
The column is well-researched but not written by a health care professional. Consider it your internet BFF pregnancy guide. See our legal disclaimer below.
About the author
Amy Corbett Storch, aka Amalah, is a freelance writer and professional blogger from Washington, DC. She is currently knocked up with her second child, due in October. Her first child is still currently wearing diapers. Amy is currently wondering what she has gotten herself into now.
Amy also writes Alpha Mom's Advice Smackdown.
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The Zero to Forty masthead and illustrations were created by the artist Brenda Ponnay aka Secret Agent Josephine. Brenda is very talented and these images are copyright-protected. You should hire her!
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Comments (13):
Sarah said:
Congrats on your little boy! We have our big ultrasound tomorrow morning, and I could not be more excited about it.
Posted on June 12, 2008 11:55
psumommy said:
I'm gaining all of that extra weight for you, you're welcome. I'm up to 30lbs now at 6 months. Whee!
I think those awful horror stories come out of the woodworks when a woman is pregnant. It doesn't matter if you seek them out. People TELL them to you. I love how pregnancy brings out the tact in everyone! The great thing for me, though, is that this time around, people are kinda shocked when they find out this is number 4 and stand there and stammer for a bit...so I have a chance for a quick getaway. I love it!
Posted on June 12, 2008 14:00
erin said:
I thought people were telling me those things just because it was my first...last baby shower i was at, it turned into full-on war stories and my ride thankfully rescued me from the carnage. I think they liked watching me freeze up all horrified like that, like i would not have made it through what they survived.
I am measuring large also, but have gained 14 or so pounds at what will be 6 mos tomorrow. Girl!
Posted on June 12, 2008 16:11
Marcoda said:
I'm 31 weeks with my second baby, first son. Also measuring big: at my 30 week check up I measured 33 weeks. No big surprise: his sister was 9 pounds 10 ounces and 23 inches long. I keep telling Baby Boy that if he wants to prove mommy wrong about having big babies, he'll come out at a nice 7 pounds-something.
I went through a week of reading "those stories" and my husband ordered me to stop. Now I just read regular good ol' fashioned murder stories from the local paper. Preggies are a sick breed, aren't they? :)
Posted on June 13, 2008 09:58
Beth said:
I write one of "those" blogs and am now 28 weeks along with another (so far uneventful! Yay!). I understand the need to read/watch about the worst case scenario. I promise, it does not help you get through it when it happens - there is really no need to do that to yourself. My Old Man banned me from reading my sister dead baby blogs for good reason. Pregnancy makes us crazy - really, the men folk know better when it comes to scaring the shit out of ourselves.
Posted on June 13, 2008 16:42
Tiffany said:
Ahh! The dead baby stories... I am glad to know I'm not alone. I don't know why I focus on them so much, but I do. And my mom has her own personal story, as she lost my little sister when she was 22 weeks along, and she had to deliver her ... so I think that's why I am obsessed.
It's weird though. Prepregnancy I wouldn't have read any of them, now I can't stop.
Posted on June 13, 2008 19:35
Robyn said:
Just wanted to drop a note to say that I really do enjoy reading your witty, weekly updates. I found this week to be particularly touching. I was only 2 weeks ahead of you and I would have been 23 weeks this week. I am living one of "those stories" as I just lost my baby at 20 weeks. He was our first after a few rounds of infertility treatments.
Yes, I had to deliver, epidural and all. I had a boy. I found your site around 15 weeks and even though I lost my baby, I can't seem to stop coming here to read what stage I would have been in had I not lost Mason. So I guess my shoe is on the other foot in the fact that my hubby also yells at me "Why must you keep torturing yourself by reading that?"
I guess it is just one of those things. Thank you for the wonderful columns you write weekly. I wish you and all of the other pregnant mothers out there a happy and healthy pregnancy.
Posted on June 15, 2008 06:57
Ashlee said:
Thank you. I am now in my 21 first week and I have suddenly been having all of these bad thoughts about what if this happens or that. I constantly think about the worst case scenario. This is my first child and the thought of the unkown is terrifying. I just feel overwhelmed by the thought and I love to read your straight forward opinions. It makes women like myself not feel as abnormal.
Posted on June 20, 2008 10:21
Diana said:
I have to say I was one of "those stories." And oddly enough I did the exact same thing. This is my third pregnancy, but I only have one living child: my 17-month-old son. I got pregnant again 10 months ago (Nov. '07) and read some stories online about women who were as far along as I was at the time and at least 9 of them had lost their babies. I also refused to buy maternity clothes or even tell anyone outside of my household that I was expecting...because I had a feeling of dread. I went for my first ultrasound at 9 weeks 6 days and the tech gently broke the horrible news: my baby's heart had stopped beating. When the doctor came in to check I told her that I had had a dream in which my baby had died and she asked me when this was. I told her it had been three days ago and she quietly said that was about when my baby passed away. She said on some level I had to have known judging by my dream and my behavior. I, of course, was hysterical and inconsolable. I found some comfort in my family. My husband and I decided that we wanted this baby to have an identity, so we said that the baby was a girl (something I had also dreamed several times) and name her Grace Ann. We bought a pewter angel with her name and the year and hung it in our house so she will always be with us. We celebrated her "birthday" on August 10th. Five days later I got another positive pregnancy test. I am NOT afraid that I will lose this baby which is enormously comforting to me. My point is even if you think you are the kind of person that could not handle the death of your child, you will often surprise yourself. I love my daughter very much and I still miss her, but I also realize that when it's my time to go, I will be with her in heaven for eternity. In the meantime, I will enjoy my time with the children and rest of my family that are here on earth. Life continues after tragedy and it's full of happiness and surprises. Sorry this was an unbelievably long comment!
Posted on August 19, 2008 21:38
Jennifer said:
You had a great revelation there. My daughter was born at 25 weeks. She was a micro preemie, and was in the NICU for 10 long weeks. You don't know what you miss until you actually miss it. I would have loved to be in the shoes of someone who was 38 weeks pregnant just wishing they would give birth already..
Posted on September 13, 2008 20:22
Frema said:
I am 21 weeks as of yesterday, but I have been reading "dead baby blogs" almost since I found out I was pregnant with number two.
Actually, it's really just one that I'm drawn to, where the author gave birth to a daughter who only lived seven hours after an uneventful pregnancy. She posted pictures of her daughter, and I'll be damned if she doesn't look just like my Kara did as a newborn. So I would read this site and see pictures of the baby and then sob at my cubicle and hope nobody would pick that time to ask for something. When I think I've toughened up, I visit the blog again, see the baby's picture, and cry almost immediately.
And yet...part of me wants you to pass along the links of the blogs you found. Thank you, pregnancy!
Posted on October 2, 2008 08:29
Laura said:
As a mother of a "dead" baby, I do hope everyone heeds your advice. Please be grateful for each kick, bathroom break, hot/cold flash. My daughter was born to early and lived too shortly. It is the most painful, heartbreaking experience. I am 20 weeks with my subsequent pregnancy. It has been an emotional rollercoaster. I refuse to complain and I cherish every pregnancy symptom!
Posted on October 3, 2008 13:58
Expecting Two!! said:
Oh my goodness...I had to skip a lot of what your wrote. I can't even fathom watching those shows. I turn on an interesting show on Discovery and then *BAM* something horrible happens to a pregnant woman or a baby is diagnosed with some rare and horrible thing. I sing *BLAH BLAH BLAH* as I search for the remote and *Click* "Oh goodie! Seinfield is on again!"
Congrats on your boy news! I just got news at 19 weeks that I am having TWO boys...identical nonetheless. We are so excited. Medical staff is always amazed to hear that we had no medical help. I am panicking about mixing them up already. As for feeling good...ughhhh! I can't breathe! These kids are up in ribs for pete's sake.
Ok - I am hoping next week's blog is not so morbid! LOL!
Posted on October 6, 2008 15:57