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Week Thirty-One
Published 08.19.2008 | Permanent Link | Comments (13)
Your Baby:
- Blah blah blah 3.3 pounds, bag of oranges, sock full of nickels, etc.
- Enjoys yawning, sucking his or her thumb, kicking mom in the diaphragm.
- Turn-offs include: getting the hiccups, really loud noises and you trying to do all that boring "sleeping" at night.
You:
- Can totally round down your answer to "two months" when people ask you how much longer you have to go. DO NOT focus on the crazy week-to-month-ratio math at this point in pregnancy, particularly when there are breakable, smashy objects within reach.
- May be weirdly and inexplicably congested all the time. I, for one, appear to be allergic to my pillow. This is also prime time for pregnancy colds, as the toll on your body and immune system is getting higher by the week. Take it easy, slow down, take your vitamins and try try try to get enough sleep.
- Can now play everybody's favorite game, Guess The Body Part That's Sticking Out Next To My Belly Button! Elbow or heel? Head or butt? Did I seriously just maybe feel my baby's BIG TOE?
Preparing for Maternity Leave
So. Maternity leave. That.
As a rule of thumb, if you're working and pregnant and working while pregnant, it's best NOT to make any promises to your boss about your leave until AFTER you've had a sit-down with Human Resources.
I was stupidly, colossally naive about my company's leave policies -- I knew we got "12 weeks" but I thought I would actually GET PAID for those 12 weeks. I didn't realize that those 12 weeks really only included a few weeks of short-term disability (which pays out a percentage of your earnings, and the length depends on whether you have a vaginal or cesarean delivery) and any of my OWN vacation/sick/personal time I had on hand (barely two weeks, provided I worked up until the day I gave birth). Combining the STD and the vacation time resulted in about eight weeks of full or partial pay. I was certainly free to stay home the full 12 weeks without fear of losing my job, but I was looking at four solid weeks of zero pay. I had to go back to my boss and temper my original plan of 12 weeks of "don't even THINK of bothering me until I am physically back at the office" with a not-very-subtle plea for some part-time hourly work to get us over that unpaid hump.
So. If you haven't already, pick up the phone and call your HR person right this second and schedule a face-to-face meeting about EXACTLY what leave options and benefits your company offers. THEN go home and map out a workable plan with your partner (can we afford a few weeks without pay? should we start full-time/part-time childcare sooner? what's more important -- that last babymoon weekend in Vegas or having those vacation days post-baby? what kind of leave can YOU take, and should you take it all at once or spread it out?). THEN go to your boss and tell him or her about your plans and requests and what-have-you.
If you're unsure about your plans AFTER your maternity leave is up, it's generally best to say you plan to return full-time until you make up your mind. If you know you'd like to return part-time, then by all means step up and ask. (I think a lot of companies tend to assume they'll lose mothers after maternity leave and are oftentimes thrilled to hear that they can prevent you from quitting completely.) (And other companies are complete douchecanoes. Hopefully you know which kind you work for and can plan your approach accordingly.)
But if you aren't sure either way -- full-time, part-time, quittin'-time -- leave the door open for yourself. You may be shocked by your own reaction to motherhood and find that what you PLANNED isn't actually what you WANT anymore. (If you told me I was going to want ANYTHING other than going back to work full-time before Noah was born I would have said that you were one goddamn crazy honky cat. And look at me now! Wait, don't. I haven't showered yet.)
And on that smelly note, there's obviously more to maternity leave than HR logistics. Some women -- okay, probably most women, deep down -- are a little terrified of that looooong stretch of downtime. Just you and a squalling, helpless infant. Days of poop and thunder. Watching your partner get to shower and put on nice clothes and go interact with adult human beings all day while you...God, what WILL you do?
You're going to go buy The Rookie Mom's Handbook, for one thing. I didn't have any new or newish mom friends during my maternity leave, and it showed. I rarely left the house, I couldn't make and keep lunch plans to save my life, I had multiple days that ended in tears because I just felt so scattered and useless and unaccomplished.
(My husband soon learned to never, EVER ask me "So what did you do today?" because the question would send me into defensive, woeful hysterics. "I KEPT YOUR SON ALIVE, THAT'S WHAT I DID!" I'd wail, when really, he was just wondering if I tried that new coffee drink at Starbucks.)
Anyway. I wish I'd had friends like Heather and Whitney (the authors of <said book, this book, the Rookie Mom's Handbook) to leave little Post-Its around with ideas for filling your days during the first couple months, or even just FEELING like you've filled your day. (My favorite activity from the Month One chapter: Write a "did do" list instead of a "to do" list. I'm totally a list person AND the sort who likes to add things I've already done just to cross them off and feel accomplished, and yet it never occurred to me to do that during my maternity leave.)
Now I'm just waiting for the sequel -- The Second Time Around Mom Who Still Doesn't Know What She's Doing And Is Mostly Hoping She'll Remember To Brush Her Teeth Most Days' Handbook.
Oh Yeah, THIS: Heartburn! Terrible, hideous, words-cannot-describe-it heartburn. There really is nothing quite like the heartburn one gets when one's torso is simply too crowded to contain both a stomach and a stomach with food in it.
New This Time Around: That said, I don't think I ever had heartburn bad enough last time that I thought I was dying and should consider driving to the hospital, nor did my husband ever attempt to TIME MY WAVES OF HEARTBURN because he said I was acting exactly like I did when I was in labor.
Related Maternity Leave article:- Returning to Work: How to Survive & How to Cut Yourself Some Slack Already
Childbirth Video for the Week:- Another Sign of Labor-- "Bloody Show" and the Release of the Mucous Plug
Finished with the Pregnancy Calendar and want more? Visit Amalah's postpartum weekly column, Bounce Back. Bounce Back is about the postpartum experience -- the good, the bad and the gory.
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About this column
Zero to Forty is a week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it. The calendar follows the forty-week model and is complete for now, though the author plans to come back and add some more articles soon.
The follow-up to this column, Bounce Back, is about the postpartum experience -- the good, the bad and the gory. There Amalah is covering everything that happens to your body, mind and circadian rhythms after you have a baby, and (hopefully) help you make sense of the New Normal. You must go read that too!
The column is well-researched but not written by a health care professional. Consider it your internet BFF pregnancy guide. See our legal disclaimer below.
About the author
Amy Corbett Storch, aka Amalah, is a freelance writer and professional blogger from Washington, DC. She has since had this baby. His name is Ezra, he was born in October of 2008 and is delicious. Amy's first son Noah is in preschool and he's pretty edible too. NomNomNom.
Amy also writes Alpha Mom's Advice Smackdown.
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Comments (13):
Britt said:
12 weeks!
Up here in chillyville (Canada). Everyone gets one year paid maternity leave. 55% of your pay. More if you are low income. Plus many companies top up that amount. Plus there are other benefits due to hospitalization, special equipment, etc, etc.
I don't have kids, but my co-workers have tons.
Posted on August 19, 2008 23:42
Katie said:
Reading your comment, Britt, totally made me want to move up to Canada when I eventually have kids!
Amalah, props for telling us some horrible sounding things (nobody ever talks about bad pregnancy things off the internet) and making them sound funny and making me want to read more! Thanks :)
Posted on August 20, 2008 01:14
cagey said:
I am almost finished reading the Rookie Moms book and would like to go ahead and 2nd the "buy it NOW" vote. I wish I would have had such a book to help me through my days in the beginning.
Posted on August 20, 2008 11:37
Starbuck said:
I am the same way with lists. I add things just to cross them off and feel "more" accomplishment for my day.
I had bad heartburn, too. I always drank milk. Sometimes it helped, sometimes not. But I always figured it was good for us both so I might as well give it a shot.
Posted on August 20, 2008 16:24
Paranoid said:
If I could add a tip for first-timers: If your hospital/birth center/whatever offers a class for new parents, SIGN UP! You may end up spending an hour a week for a while listening to lectures on such important topics as infant massage and why you need to buy every piece of babyproofing gear known to man, but sitting there with you will be a bunch of other new moms. And these moms may well end up being your new best friends.
Honestly, I don't know if I'd have made it through those first several months without my playgroup (we all met at the hospital class, then just kept getting together once it ended). Being a new mom can be isolating and depressing, but it is infinitely less so if you know that you'll be getting out of the house at least once a week and seeing people in your same situation. After a while, you'll find that you really like certain of the people in the group, and these become your kids' first playdates and the people who keep you from dying of boredom at the park.
Posted on August 21, 2008 16:40
Kirsty said:
AH! Where was that book when I had my first? It looks awesome. Truly one of the hardest things about having my son (and what I was completely unprepared for) was feeling so lonely & lost stuck at home by myself. I'm expecting my 2nd, so please, be honest Amalah, is it worth getting the book for #2? I have a feeling my son will make getting out of the house a no-brainer and I won't have that same sense of "JESUS H. CHRIST what do I do with this kid for the next 12 hours?" but then again, anything that motivates me to, like, practice hygiene is prolly something worth looking into.
Posted on August 22, 2008 13:28
Melissa said:
I'm sure the book is great and all, but who's idea was it to put a pic of Mom riding a bike on the cover? "New Mom Idea #1 - Rip out your stitches!"
Posted on August 25, 2008 14:56
lornadoone1972 said:
For acid indigestion - for anyone coming along and still reading this later like me - my naturopath recommended drinking some original flavored Almond Milk... and it helps - when you feel acidy/queasy - a small glass sipped slowing helps to settle things - for awhile at least!
Posted on December 10, 2008 16:28
RookieMom Heather said:
Melissa, as the co-author of the book, I can say it was not my idea to have the mama riding a bike on the cover.
I do ride around a lot with my one year old but not so much in the fresh and raw part of the rookie year. Ouch.
Posted on January 15, 2009 23:45
Margie S. said:
Love reading this every week! I'm so glad it's still up. I got the Rookie Mom's Handbook for Christmas, and now I'm even more excited to have it now that I see it's been so great for others. I'm also loving the what-body-part-is-that?? game, and frequently make my husband and good friends play it with me. Thanks for doing these weekly updates, Amalah!
Posted on February 3, 2009 10:17
Mel said:
Oy. My 12 weeks are NOT paid at ALL. At previous company they were fully paid. This pisses me off.
Posted on April 14, 2009 11:23
Dancinfairy said:
We are lucky here in the UK. We can have up to 12 months off, 4 weeks at 90% of our usual pay and 36 weeks ok statutory pay (less but still money) Then the final 12 weeks can be taken unpaid if you wish.
My employer is very good and will actually pay my usual wages for 4 months then I get the usual benefits. I had no idea things were so different in the US and I am feeling very lucky right now.
Posted on May 16, 2009 03:31
jamorningstar said:
SO thankful to be canadian. 12 months off is a RIGHT for a fulltime employed woman. i have recently discovered that americans are being misled about the state of canadian helathcare, so let me set the record straight - rich or poor, we have it GOOD :)
Posted on August 17, 2009 12:44