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Week Twenty-Nine
Published 08.05.2008 | Permanent Link | Comments (9)
Your Baby:
- Is big and strong enough to resemble a sinister alien thrashing around your abdomen, as my husband kindly pointed out recently, upon noticing a rouge pointy elbow jabbing up and down around my belly button.
- Is sucking up every drop of calcium you can provide as his or her bones continue to harden and become more...uh...bone-like.
- DID I MENTION THE POINTY JABBING? WITH THE SHARP LITTLE BONES?
You:
- Might start noticing a resurgence of first-trimester-type symptoms like heartburn and other gastrointestinal issues. Things are getting a BIT crowded in there, and the lack of room means slower digestion and more gas and constipation and woe.
- Are gaining weight. I don't know or care to look up what the "recommended" amount is at this stage, but most likely you are starting to notice a steady upward movement of that little thingie on your doctor's scale. If you've been using pregnancy as a dietary sweet tooth free-for-all, now might be a good time to start reining it in and focusing on healthy foods and portions instead of "BABY NEEDS CAKE AND A TUB OF FROSTING ON THE SIDE."
Sex During Pregnancy
So you know how almost EVERY movie about pregnancy and childbirth contains a "hilarious" scene where the knocked-up couple attempt to have sex? And how it almost ALWAYS ends with one or both of them freaking out over fears that the male will poke the baby's eye out with his penis or some other scenario that demonstrates either a 1) terrible grasp on the internal female anatomy, or an 2) EXTREMELY inflated opinion on the length of said penis?
I have no patience for these scenes. Even before I ever got pregnant, I knew enough about the vagina/cervix/womb layout to know that sex does not hurt, scare or inconvenience a fetus in any way (provided your pregnancy is, for the most part, complication free).
And yet it's taken me WEEKS to work up the squeamish resolve to write openly about the S-E-X during the P-R-E-G-N-A-N-C-Y, because...well, let's face it. Even without the old penis-shaped head-dent jokes, pregnancy sex does pose a few challenges, especially here in the jolly third trimester.
THE GOOD: Well, a LOT of pregnant women report a nice libido spike, particularly as the misery of the first trimester fades. And this spike is often accompanied by increased wetness AND sensitivity down there. (And by down there I mean in your V-A-G-I-N-A. My God, don't I sound like a prude). Your boobs also benefit from some added sensitivity, and contrary to the stick-figures-who-probably-don't-even-menstruate in the fashion mags, most men (and women, hell) are wired to actually prefer the soft womanly curves that accompany pregnancy. You might FEEL fat and beached-whaley, but your partner probably thinks you've never looked sexier.
THE BAD: Well. You still might feel fat and beached-whaley. You may be able to admire yourself in the mirror with wonder and awe, but getting naked and friction-happy with another person can turn that wonder and awe into self-consciousness and embarrassment. The sensitivity can sometimes be too much. (My husband loves my pregnant boobs, but I want to punch anyone who touches them.) And then there's the bloody LOGISTICS. Your favorite positions might not work anymore, and trying to find comfortable alternatives can feel a bit like playing Tetris. AND, fine, you might know for a fact that sex during pregnancy is fine and normal and safe, but there is still the mental barrier of THE CHILD in your uterus being all...THERE and PRESENT and VULNERABLE. "That WAS a lot of jostling," you might think afterwards, while you dash to the bathroom for the dozenth time to examine some mysterious post-sex leakage. (With your cervix and uterus tightly sealed and closed off, there's...ahem...kind of nowhere else for semen to go but...right back out. I wish someone had told me that. So much for my haughty knowledge of my own girl-parts.)
Obviously, we modern girls have plenty of ways to muddle through pregnancy sex. There's more to the bedroom life than the missionary position, oral sex is practically vanilla these days and yeah, I'm happy to accept a little battery-powered help. So yes, let us all bask in the gentle maternal glow of this wonderful time in our lives, but let us also not forget to get our freak on, or whatever it is the kids call it these days. (And by "it" I mean O-R-G-A-S-M-S and can you tell that I don't write about sex that much? I am a delicate little flower. Painted by Georgia O'Keefe. You know. The ones that look like V-A-G-I-N-A-S.)
Now, if you'll excuse me, a mysterious package from Victoria's Secret was just deposited at my front door, and while I know my husband has repeatedly insisted that he finds pregnancy to be insanely sexy, I simply MUST go immediately investigate what sort of lingerie he's purchased, because frankly it boggles my mind a little bit.
Oh Yeah, THIS: I tried to paint my own toenails this week (in my customary place of on the couch, with my feet propped up on the coffee table) and was stupidly surprised when I leaned forward a little and *BLAM* my belly hit my thighs and the polish brush remained a good three inches away from my toes. (I moved to the bottom stair where I could spread my legs and dip my belly in between them. Damn, but aren't I the fancy lady.)
New This Time Around: After months of prompting and training, our efforts are finally paying off. Our babysitter reported that Noah excitedly showed her around "Baby Brother's" room. When asked where, exactly, Baby Brother is right now, he thought for a second and then pulled up his shirt. "Right there!" he announced, pointing at his belly. So...okay. Maybe he's a little hazy on some of the details, but still. It's something.
Pregnancy Video for the Week:Maternity Style: Dressing and Staying comfortable during the 3rd Trimester
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About this column
Zero to Forty is a week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it. New installments will be published on Wednesdays, with other pregnancy-related content and ramblings to be published whenever the columnist can stay awake long enough to type themzzzzzz.
The column is well-researched but not written by a health care professional. Consider it your internet BFF pregnancy guide. See our legal disclaimer below.
About the author
Amy Corbett Storch, aka Amalah, is a freelance writer and professional blogger from Washington, DC. She is currently knocked up with her second child, due in October. Her first child is still currently wearing diapers. Amy is currently wondering what she has gotten herself into now.
Amy also writes Alpha Mom's Advice Smackdown.
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The Zero to Forty masthead and illustrations were created by the artist Brenda Ponnay aka Secret Agent Josephine. Brenda is very talented and these images are copyright-protected. You should hire her!
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Comments (9):
Bethiclaus said:
Alliclaus did the exact same thing. We'd ask her, "Where's baby sister?" and she'd pull up her shirt to show her belly. But if we asked her to give baby sister a kiss, she'd practically strip me naked to try to kiss the belly.
Posted on August 6, 2008 11:54
thatgirlkelly said:
Yeah, Sex! I haven't had any problems getting my freak on once the 1st trimester passed. Though I must say, it is a bit unnerving when the baby starts jumping around just as things are getting hot and heavy. The problem at 28 weeks is that the fatigue has returned. So when the boy and I find that we are BOTH hot and bothered at the same time the it becomes a bit of a crazy WWF meets NASCAR scene. Oh by the way, I too am a beautiful flower.
Posted on August 6, 2008 12:11
Leah said:
On this morning's "A Baby Story," the couple said they hadn't had sex in seven months. Now, I know that everyone is different, we make our own choices, blah blah non-judgemental-cakes, but oh, I wanted to cry for them.
Posted on August 6, 2008 14:21
obabe said:
there is a little jabby foot (i assume) trying to poke its way out of me via my belly button as i type this. aack!
my almost 3 year old has taken to asking family members if they have a baby in their belly too. why? so he knows if he can lay on them/snuggle up without causing shrieks of "ow! that hurts mommy" as ive been prone to do these days. (35+ weeks)
poor kid.
Posted on August 6, 2008 16:19
Ryley said:
Really...that's just plain rude to talk that much about "it"
We have been on "pelvic rest" since 11 weeks. (almost 11 weeks ago.....)
My doctor even said.. no big O's.. I have a pretty crappy placenta apparently that doesnt like to play...
I honestly started to worry when I began having dreams.. that I was pretty sure I was having the real thing.. but baby is still okay.......
Posted on August 6, 2008 17:43
erin said:
yeah, in week 32 and still expereincing high libedo, which is just a cruel joke at this point. tired of the involuntary threesome - nothing pulls you out of the mood like a swift baby punch to bladder!
Posted on August 7, 2008 23:42
Crystal said:
If positions are an issue, we found a great video at a, ahem, *adult store* called "Nina Hartley's Guide to Great Sex During Pregnancy." You can buy it on the interwebs and get it delivered to your house if those stores aren't your scene.
It was actually really helpful for us in a couple of ways
-New positions (one of which I named "the spawning trout"
-A visual guide to perineal massage, which I'd been reading about but just couldn't quite visualize
-A fairly clinical discussion about some of the issues with sex in pregnancy.
It's not a porn flick. Sure there's a sex scene at the end between one of the pregnant stars and her baby daddy...but the majority of the time is fairly clinical/educational.
Last night when we were having sex, the baby was active for the first time during the act and that was a bit weird for me. It was distracting, but not so distracting that I didn't want to keep going. I spent most of first trimester on pelvic rest because of bleeding, and then the first half of second trimester I was still so nauseous (thanks hyperemesis-which I still have)I couldn't even think about sex. Finally my libido overpowered my nausea and all systems have been go since around 22ish weeks (I'm 26 right now, but I love reading ahead).
Posted on August 8, 2008 12:42
Emhead said:
Have you seen Coupling on the BBC? They refer to pregnancy as "being in the John Hurt way". There is also reference to small beings waiting to arrive from your insides ready to take over your world. Made me laugh ... alot.
Posted on August 12, 2008 07:20
Michelle said:
2 weeks post partum here and wishing I had gotten my freak on that last week of pregnancy because I'm missing S-E-X a bit right now (not that I would be able to stay awake long enough to have it but it sounds like a good idea).
I also amazed my friends by being able to paint my toes and shave my legs right up to the end...all in leaning that big belly the right way!
Posted on August 13, 2008 14:09