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Week Forty
Published 10.22.2008 | Permanent Link | Comments (10)
Your Baby:
- get out get out get out.
- get out get out get out get out.
You:
- get out get out get out get out get out.
- get out! get out get out get out.
- and for real: GET OUT.
So first, the bad news. Less than 10% of babies actually show up on their due date. While the word "overdue" pretty much feels on par with the f-word during the final weeks of pregnancy, the sad truth is that many of us will end up there.
You may continue to trudge to work everyday, silently fuming about how this was SO NOT WHAT YOU MEANT by your plan to "work up until your due date." You may start working from home, blaming an inability to fit into your shoes or keep the bottom few inches of your belly covered. You may be trying to convince your older children that no, FOR REAL, the baby still is coming, you swear, despite the fact that the cheerfully circled Big Brother Day!! on the calendar has come and gone. You may just be sitting around, waiting. And waiting.
Endless walking? Mucus plug? Contractions? Spicy food? Sex? Anyone? Can I have some sign that this is almost over? Don't make me break out the castor oil.
I sent out an All Internets Bulletin over Twitter recently, asking for everybody to submit one thing to do while waiting for labor to begin. And lo, the Internets responded in massive numbers.
And so here I present the definitive, written-by-you-the-peoples list of 40 Things To Do While Waiting To Go Into Labor. Hoping reading this list will count as one, and maybe if we're lucky a couple of you will actually go into labor by the time you get to the end.
1) Go out for dinner and a movie with your partner. Every night. See every crap movie out there if you have to.
2) Cook and freeze meals, or place orders for meal delivery service. Or drop hints to people who call to see if that pesky baby is here yet that FOOD IS APPRECIATED.
3) Bake cookies, breads, brownies.
4) Pamper yourself with a face and hair mask. Overly lotion feet, wrap in saran wrap, don socks. (Don't walk though, you'll slide.)
5) Scrapbook and organize all the photos you've been meaning to scrapbook and organize.
6) SLEEP.
7) Walk the mall and eat your weight in pretzels.
8) Stock up on liquor. You know, "for the family to celebrate."
9) Read a book that has absolutely nothing to do with babies or pregnancy.
10) Get a manicure and pedicure. (Also suggested: chew all your nails off...then go get tips put on...then chew THOSE off.)
11) Get a massage.
12) Create and listen to your labor music mix. Practice finding your happy place.
13) Mow the lawn.
14) Give the pets baths and toenail clippings.
15) Wash your car.
16) Learn to knit and make a hat.
17) Cover mattress in plastic in case water breaks in bed.
18) Decide plastic is too noisy when rolling huge ass around to get comfy, take chances.
19) Clean out forgotten cabinets -- under the sink, the Tupperware drawer, etc.
20) Lie on nice cool bathroom floor and clean the grout with a toothbrush.
21) Have sex. It'll be your last chance for weeks, such as it is.
22) Window shop for a celebratory "you've lost at least some of the baby weight" outfit for later.
23) Take a nap without apology or hesitation.
24) Hide things in house that may be inappropriate for visiting grandparents and family members.
25) Get a carseat inspection at the local firehouse.
26) Charge anything and everything that resembles a phone or a camera.
27) Make a decision regarding your nether regions: get waxed? get help from partner? or decide that if you can't see it, it clearly no longer exists or matters?
28) Alphabetize your CDs and arrange DVDs by genre.
29) Buy some guilty pleasures on iTunes and make a kickass one-hit-wonder playlist.
30) Write thank-you cards for any gifts you've already received.
31) Re-wash, re-fold, re-organize the baby clothes.
32) Assemble swings, bouncy seats and other battery-operated baby gear, make sure you have at least one full set of (RECHARGABLE) batteries for everything.
33) Pack a diaper bag.
34) Start an ambitious new project that is guaranteed to remain unfinished for the next six months once you go into labor halfway through it.
35) Go out for ice cream cones.
36) Clear out one shelf in kitchen for bottles, breastpump parts, baby food and plastic dishes.
37) Fill and re-order Netflix queue.
38) Sign up for an infant CPR class.
39) Take a dry-run test-drive to the hospital (or several, at different times of the day.)
40) Knit an umbilical cord cozy.
THANKS TO ALL WHO CONTRIBUTED: littlemissmel, afterthestork, snarkymommy, deew27, meli1029, ohchicken, snarkyamber, stinkle, craftandfound, brilliantone, graspthenettle, crabgoggles, suzannadanna, AFamilyStory, tantivies, grace134, mariabird80, suzannad, lsnjd, theredneckmommy, jodifur, boomerdavis, papernapkin, jules64, mrsflinger, AngellaD, SublimeBedlam, mommystory, mrsca, megnotarte, Katebfpl, lildb, andsosheblogs, issascrazyworld, monkeyinlove, miguelina, rookieheather.
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About this column
Zero to Forty is a week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it. New installments will be published on Wednesdays, with other pregnancy-related content and ramblings to be published whenever the columnist can stay awake long enough to type themzzzzzz.
The column is well-researched but not written by a health care professional. Consider it your internet BFF pregnancy guide. See our legal disclaimer below.
About the author
Amy Corbett Storch, aka Amalah, is a freelance writer and professional blogger from Washington, DC. She is currently knocked up with her second child, due in October. Her first child is still currently wearing diapers. Amy is currently wondering what she has gotten herself into now.
Amy also writes Alpha Mom's Advice Smackdown.
About the illustrations
The Zero to Forty masthead and illustrations were created by the artist Brenda Ponnay aka Secret Agent Josephine. Brenda is very talented and these images are copyright-protected. You should hire her!
Disclaimer
This column is only for entertainment purposes and is not written by a health care professional. Any recommendations or information provided herein should not be used as a substitute for advice by a trained professional. For a full statement of our site policies, please click here.
Comments (10):
Starbuck said:
Number 34 was what sent me into labor with my first. and I knew it would ao that's why I did it.
And now, I am sad this countdown has come to an end because I love reading it and have recommended it to anyone I know who is having a baby and their mother. HOWEVER, Ezra is so adorable that I am looking forward to filling my reading time with updates about him, the shenanigans of Noah and the exhaustion of the parental units. Now go take another nap!
Posted on October 22, 2008 12:35
Jenn said:
I have to take real umbrage with SAJ's depiction of a 40 week mom. What is up with the skinny legs? And does she actually have ankles? OK out there, raise your hand if you still have ankles...Bueller?
I love the list though and appreciate the reminder to go ahead and knock out some investment cooking. Great plan!
Posted on October 22, 2008 15:30
Sarah said:
No ankles here (39w2d)! I had a pedicure today and was shocked when I saw my "ankles" and poor sausage feet. Such abuse and neglect...but at least my toes will look pretty at the hospital, whenever that happens!
Posted on October 22, 2008 20:56
anna said:
You know what my aunt did when she was a few days overdue? Had to run about and get the friggin' cows back in the field and fix the fence after they decided the road was the best place to be.
Got her right into labor!
I'm pretty sure she'd rather do any of the things on your list.
Posted on October 22, 2008 23:33
Islandy said:
So I should get some cows and set them loose? Okay. I'll add it to my list. (Good suggestion, seeing as how I've already done lots of these list items, and I still have more than 2 weeks to go until the "official" due date). Thanks, Amalah, for seeing me through almost to the end. I've looked forward to your posts each week; congratulations to you and your beautiful baby!
Posted on October 23, 2008 10:23
hydrogeek said:
Where's the 41 week post? Because I? AM ENTERING THE 41ST WEEK.
Wait. Nevermind. All it needs to say is "GET OUT".
Posted on October 28, 2008 10:48
Xanadu said:
Oh Amy I'm missing you! How will I survive the next 5 weeks of my pregnancy without your posts? I guess news on how your birth went is probably too much to ask given that you are probably very busy with your new son - but if you ever have time to give us a post script that would be so very welcome. All I can do right now is thank you for everything. You've been like my big pregnant sister for around 8 months and I've loved reading all your posts.
Despite pregnancy being a very different journey here in the UK this blog has given me perspective and a sense of humour I really needed - not to mention reassurance for a first-time mum. Thank you for keeping me sane!
Posted on November 1, 2008 09:28
chick said:
ditto me for no ankles, and 41 weeks and still counting. NO dilation, NO signs of impending labor. I keep apologizing to my mom- I was born 3 weeks late...Please baby, get out!
Posted on November 2, 2008 13:50
Danielle said:
I would SO way rather be walking in the mall and eating my weight in pretzels than sitting in a hospital bed hooked up to a pitocin drip the day I turned 38 weeks because of a flukey blood pressure spike.
Good luck to everyone still waiting!
Posted on December 3, 2008 13:36
Em said:
Number 21 is what made me, I think, go into labor 5 days before my due date. And within 48 hours, too, of doing it. Amazing.
Thanks, Amalah, for accompanying me through my pregnancy. It's been a complete joy (and pain ... haha) to be able to read your blog this whole time. I'll actually miss it. But I'll be back when I'm pregnant with the next one. ;-)
Posted on January 6, 2009 16:51