Pregnancy Calendar

Week Seventeen

2008-05-14T21:51:04Z

Your Baby:

Is about five inches long from head to rump, which is the EXACT height of the jar of salsa I am currently quadruple dipping into. Bowls are for suckers.
Has begun to develop the all-important adipose tissue -- more affectionately known as baby fat.
Is hard at working transforming its skeleton from soft cartilage into solid bone. Get this baby a part on Heroes.

You:

Possibly feel immensely huge and very pregnant, but your bump probably isn't as noticeable as you think it is. People may hesitate to comment or miss it completely, like the woman last night who came up and handed me an alcoholic cocktail and seemed genuinely shocked when I politely refused it, despite the fact that I feel like my belly eclipses my shoes at this point.
"Normal" weight gain at this point can be anything between five and 13 pounds, although y'all know how I feel about the word "normal." One book I read this week advised any woman who has gained more than 13 pounds to see a nutritionist and "be more careful", while my doctor COMPLIMENTED me last Wednesday on not managing to gain a single blessed pound yet. I want to stab the world in the eyeballs with a fork right now, a little bit.

Ah, the double-edged sword of baby movement. On the one hand, it's been a downright fabulous week, what with the regular sensations and acrobatics I'm feeling in my uterus. There really is nothing like it in the world -- both wonderful and WEIRD because my lands, there's a teeny little moving person living inside your body. Biology! Whatever will it think of next. On the other hand, I've just replaced one neurosis with another. Whereas before I would worry that without regular every-other-day-or-so heartbeat checks, my child would simply cease to exist and I would never know. You might think that I would chill out a little once I could feel the baby move, but now I just work myself into a state if I can go an hour without feeling a kick or tickle. It's all a very efficient system, I think. We made our first baby purchases this weekend -- I waffle wildly between feeling extremely well-prepared thanks to everything we held on to from Noah's babyhood and feeling OH MY GOD WE STILL NEED SO MUCH DARN CRAP. We don't, really, and neither do you, but without a baby shower or registry to look forward to I figured it was high time we got to the store for some onesies and burp rags already. If this is your first pregnancy, it's probably a little early to start your registry, although it certainly can't hurt to think about what store you'll use (TIP! choose one that offers online registry management and ordering, but also has an actual local store for easier exchanges and hands-on inspections of the bazillion-and-one options) and to start getting advice from friends and online about product recommendations and reviews. Don't worry, I will have SO MUCH TO SAY about registries and baby gear in the coming weeks, as registry assvice remains my biggest weakness. (I have a very hard time keeping my mouth shut at baby stores whenever I see a pregnant woman contemplating something either useless or totally fabulous, and I'm always vaguely disappointed that no one just comes up and asks me to help them register. Don't I look knowledgeable and experienced? Don't you want my knowledge and experience? Wait, where are you going? Oh hi, store security, I was just...oh, okay. I understand. You've warned me about this before. I'm leaving.) Oh Yeah, THIS: My couch sure is comfy. I just wish I could get up off of it without all the ungraceful grunting. New This Time Around: Why am I still dry-heaving after meals? Why does the mere sight of any type of meat make me gaggingly ill? Why am I still a slave to an ever-changing menu of One Acceptable Food of Mystery while All Else Remains Vile and Inedible? Last time I lost 10 pounds in the first trimester but quickly gained it back in the early weeks of the second once my appetite returned to normal. I didn't lose any weight this time, but man, there is just no sign of ANYTHING returning to "normal" anytime soon, digestively speaking. I see cans of Ensure in my future, I just know it. And Don't Forget! You have one last week to register to win the $100 Ann Taylor LOFT Maternity gift card! We'll randomly select a winner next week and $100 in free maternity wear could be in YOUR hot little hands and on YOUR hot little body in no time. As a consolation prize for everyone else I have a coupon code: MOMATLOFT20 (must use all caps) This code is case sensitive and needs to be entered in all caps when it asks for the promotion code in checkout. It is good for 20% off any maternity purchase plus free shipping, good through the end of May.

Featured Pregnancy Video: What maternity clothes work for both day and evening.

Week Sixteen

2008-05-06T20:49:41Z

Your Baby:

Is a little over four inches long and weighs a little over 2.5 ounces. The chocolate bunny that I swiped from my toddler's Easter basket weighed 3.5 ounces. But considering I shared it with my fetus, I am a good mom AND a responsible eater.
Has fingernails and toenails, all of which will be flesh-tearing talons by the time the baby is born. For serious, pack a teensy nail file in your hospital bag if you'd rather your baby's first pictures NOT include giant face scratches.
Is covered with fine, downy hair called lanugo. THIS will mostly fall out by birth, so rest assured you will not deliver a giant razor-taloned gorilla baby, or something.

You:

Are leaving the more miserable symptoms behind in the dust, more or less. My gag reflex and appetite remained extremely sensitive until about week 16 last time, and the same held true this time around.
Can feel your rock-hard uterus about three inches below your belly button (especially when you lie on your back). As your baby grows your uterus will continue to inch upwards out of your pelvis. Translation: YOU WON'T HAVE TO PEE SO DAMN MUCH.
May be having very vivid but bizarre dreams. Some will be obviously pregnancy-related (the usual ones involve breastfeeding something other than a human baby or putting an animal or your baby in the oven or microwave to "cook" awhile longer), and others will be just plain weird or upsetting, like your childhood nightmares. They should be interpreted as nothing more than dreams stemming from nerves, hormones and your constant thoughts about the future. (In other words, you aren't really going to give birth to a turtle with a full set of human teeth.)

Okay, so the Big Thing with this week is that you MIGHT feel your baby move. The range for feeling those first delicate, pitter-pattery movements is something between week 16 and week 20. And it's different for everybody. Thin women feel it before heavier women. Women who have been pregnant before feel it before women who haven't. Except for this thin woman who has been pregnant before and did not feel a blessed THING this week, even though I felt Noah move for the first time (clear as day!) when I was exactly 16 weeks along. Well, let me sort-of take that back. Two weeks ago, during week 14, I swore I felt some quickening movements. It was in the right spot, over to the left a little, and felt like a few tiny soda bubbles had just popped against my insides. By the time my brain caught on to the sensation, it was long past. A couple days later, while lying quietly on the couch, I felt it again. I spent a loooong time Googling and checking the books to see if it was AT ALL possible that I really felt what I thought I felt -- I mean, quickening is both really easy to miss and yet impossible to forget, once you've experienced it -- but came up dry. Just the same vague old language about "women who have been pregnant before feel it earlier" but no real examples of how MUCH earlier. Whatever, I never felt it again and am still waiting for my first pregnancy-book-and-calendar sanctioned movements. For the first-timers among us, I'm sure you've read the descriptions a million times. Little bubbles or flutters or pops or tickles. I guess these words describe it as well as it CAN be described. I used to tap the tips of my fingernails against the underside of Jason's forearm to try to give him an idea of what I was feeling (bum deal for the partner -- being able to feel the kicks from the outside is still a long way off), but it's more like an impossibly gentle and faint THUMP than a tap. Which is why, I guess, the "bubbles popping" metaphor works the best. The sensations are delicate, like a soap bubble, but there's just enough force to suggest the dramatic explosion of that little bubble. With Noah, I found I could feel him move best while lying on my back at first, and then while sitting very quietly at my desk and focusing on my stomach. Drinking a carbonated beverage always seemed to perk him up -- I always imagined he could hear it fizzing away in my stomach and would decide to make it a rhythmic duet. Be patient -- you'll DEFINITELY feel something in the weeks to come, depending on how active your baby is, and Oh! There's MY baby! I totally just felt it! And there it is again! HOLY CRAP! HI SWEET THING! Thanks for being so totally on cue there. Oh Yeah, THIS: Uh. I completely forget what thing I was going to complain about this week now. Clogged sinuses? The misery of an unmedicated allergy season? WhatEVER. Baby just kicked! Whee! New This Time Around: Last time I had the AWESOME side effect of not shedding any hair while pregnant. It was weird. My brushes and black sweaters remained hairball free. Of course, it all fell out a few months postpartum but during pregnancy my hair was awesome. Thick and full and I didn't have to do a THING to it. Ah. So nice. And no such luck this time. I am still shedding full chunks everyday and my hair is limp and hangy and blah no matter what I do. EXTRA FUNTIME ZERO TO FORTY BONUS! Ladies, I have managed to get my greasy paws on a $100 gift card to Ann Taylor LOFT Maternity. Courtesy of the good folks at...Ann Taylor LOFT Maternity. And we shall be giving it away to a randomly selected reader here at Alpha Mom. You can check out the clothing line here -- it's SUPER CUTE, for both work and casual pieces, and every piece is available in every size between XXS and XXL, or 00 and 18. If you're on either far end of the sizing spectrum, I know you've been gouging your eyes out trying to find stuff in your size that is not either 1) a muumuu, or 2) something from the Bratz doll babymama maternity line. I will not lie, I am wishing I'd kept the card for myself instead of deciding to be all NICE about it. But FINE. Click HERE to register for the giveaway. (No, you don't have to be pregnant to enter -- it is a GIFT CARD, after all, if you've got a special pregnant lady in mind -- but you do need to be a resident of the U.S.)

Week Fifteen

2008-04-30T14:41:28Z

Your Baby:

Is as big as a...wait for it...beefsteak tomato! Doesn't that sound deliciously substantial? Am resisting urge to go pinch some produce as I type this.
Has started "breathing" amniotic fluid in through its nose and respiratory tract, giving those lungs some very early practice for the real thing. (Late in the third trimester, you can actually watch the fetal breathing on an ultrasound, and lo, it is very cool.)
Can sense light and pressure from outside of the womb, so if you want to get a jump start on annoying the crap out of your kid, shine a flashlight on your stomach or chase it around with the doppler wand every night. Or gently caress your belly while singing lullabies in a variety of foreign language and mediating on the Zen-ness of it all. You know, whatever your personal parenting style goes for.

You:

May be experiencing some of the weirder symptoms of pregnancy, many of which can start early in the second trimester. Including! For example!
Sinus congestion! Runny nose! Stuffed-up nose! So much freaking mucus, and not in the places where you would ASSUME mucus would be involved. It's called rhinitis of pregnancy and once again, they just blame it on "hormones." Get yourself a humidifier or vaporizer, inhale steam in a fogged-up bathroom or try those saline nasal drops. Ask your doctor before taking any decongestant or medicated nasal spray.
Bleeding gums! A side effect of all that extra blood you've got coursing through your system. (Nosebleeds are common too.)
Skin pigmentation! The linea nigra, or that darkish line that runs down the center of your belly, sometimes shows up as soon as you start showing, sometimes much later. Moles, freckles and birthmarks can spread and/or darken. You might notice some melasma, or "mask of pregnancy" across your face, particularly if you spend a lot of time in the sun or have a naturally olive or darker complexion. A lot -- but not all -- of these changes will fade after you give birth. When in doubt, slather up on the sunscreen to increase your odds that they'll be temporary.
Forgetfulness! Pregnancy brain! Gestational amnesia! Whatever you want to call it, you probably know what I'm talking about. In the past week alone, I've 1) run a load of laundry without any detergent, 2) made coffee without a filter, 3) tossed a Ziploc of frozen chicken to defrost in the sink but forgot to actually seal the bag, and 4) stared at my husband for three full minutes while trying to remember his name.

A few weeks ago, Your Intrepid Gestator was interviewed by The Washington Times for an article about the latest edition of What to Expect When You're Expecting. Once considered the grandmommy of all pregnancy books, the What to Expect... series has fallen a little out of favor, what with that impossible-to-obey diet section, the seemingly endless pages of worst-case scenarios that could be lurking beneath your normal-seeming symptoms, and what's with the frumpy rocking-chair mom on the cover? You can read the article here (I show up to crash the joint on page 2). It's actually really interesting, because the author is keenly aware of these criticisms, and has sought to correct most of them in the newest version. Even the cover got a makeover! She gets to wear JEANS! And STAND UP! Ship your women back to the fundamentalist compounds -- the pregnant women are getting all kinds of uppity. Oh, I kid. What to Expect... was the first pregnancy book I ever bought -- right when we agreed to toss the birth control pills but long before we conceived. Once I finally (FIN.UH.LEE.) got pregnant, however, I hightailed it back to the bookstore in search of an alternative guide, because my nerves couldn't take any more. And this really wasn't the book's fault -- in the pursuit of being the definitive, comprehensive guide to pregnancy, What to Expect... simply became TOO comprehensive. They couldn't talk about X and Y without talking about Z, but unfortunately for us all, Z was the 1-in-32893803495702454 case of a spontaneous outbreak of the ebola virus in a perfectly healthy pregnancy, or something. Basically, it was Google, and a thousand paranoid ill-advised searches for "weird rash 6 weeks pregnant missed miscarriage omg flesh eating disease," all printed out and numbered by chapter for your convenience. Here on AlphaMom, the book sits at the top of the Product Ratings page for garnering the most reviews of anything we list. Lots of love, and lots of hate. Lots of accusations of being "old-fashioned" and "one big guilt trip." And in fact, the Internet seems to be a driving force behind the book's update. Women are turning to other women. We don't WANT to know everything that can go wrong, even though we might THINK we do. We want to be told that everything is okay, that X, Y and Z are ALL normal and harmless, and that we're going to laugh at how neurotic we were about this someday when our baby is up at 2 am for the 132th night in a row. We want reassurance that you don't have to do pregnancy perfectly to have a perfectly healthy baby, because none of us are perfect. And so the What to Expect... books are getting back in touch with the thing that made them so popular to begin with: they were written by a MOM and not a doctor. No perfect pregnancy diet, no dire consequences lurking behind every bag of Oreos. It really sounds like the book has been completely overhauled to reflect the modern pregnancy, which is most definitely NOT spent contemplating your bump in a rocking chair for nine months. *clap clap clap clap!* I use a lot of pregnancy books as reference for this column, but none for my own pregnancy-related questions. I generally turn to blogs or my friends or my friends' blogs for those. I liked The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy but found it sort of dated (STIRRUP PANTS!!) and fluffy, I still use the Mayo Clinic's Guide to Pregnancy but it's kind of dry and missing the inherent humor and weirdness that comes with pregnancy, and I could never bring myself to open Pregnancy Sucks or similar books after battling with infertility. I'm a sucker for anything in the week-by-week format (no kidding!) but wish they included more first-person anecdotes to follow along with. What about you guys? What books did you love? Or hate? Do you even bother with the books anymore, or do you go online instead? Oh Yeah, THIS: I really wish I could remember where I put my keys. Also that glass of water I swear I just poured for myself. And wait, why did I walk down to the basement again? New This Time Around: Oh God, I seem to have developed my very first skin tag. I read about these last time but never got them. I now have one in my armpit and ew. EW.

Video for the Week: Dressing for the Summer when Pregnant.

Week Fourteen

2008-04-23T14:53:37Z

Your Baby:

Is about the size of your fist, unless you have giant man-hands or something, so maybe I should just compare it to a peach instead.
Has a strong, whoosh-whooshy heartbeat that can usually be found pretty easily now with a doppler. It's much faster than yours (between 120 - 160 bpm), and sounds vaguely like a washing machine.
Has probably started sucking its thumb.

You:

Should be noticing a definite decrease in some of the more crap symptoms from the first trimester, although fatigue and nausea do tend to stick around a little longer for some women.
Probably aren't as bothered by breast tenderness anymore, although your boobs will continue to grow in size in the weeks and months ahead. Reassess your bra size periodically and make sure you aren't mashing the girls into something you've outgrown.
If this is your first pregnancy, you may FINALLY feel like you're starting to "show" with a little belly pooch.
If this is your second (or third or fourth or etc.) pregnancy, you've probably been in maternity clothes or been rubber-banding your pants for a few weeks already, so pffft.

I don't feel like I personally have that much to report this week. I flew from Washington, DC to California for a few days, where I spent the first day telling anyone who would listen about HOW MUCH BETTER I WAS FEELING, OH I HAVEN'T THROWN UP IN DAYS AND I REALLY FEEL MY ENERGY RETURNING. Then I returned to my hotel room after dinner and proceeded to yak up everything I'd eaten that day. And then I went to bed and slept for 12 straight hours. Air travel is perfectly safe for most pregnant women, really, but you should always tell your doctor about any trips in case he/she does think there's a risk involved for you. Try to request an aisle seat, both for easier potty access and for regular short walks up and down the aisles. Pregnant women are more vulnerable to that deep-vein thrombosis thing, especially on longer flights at higher altitudes. So don't cross your legs while seated and get up to move around at least once an hour. Trust me, the movie probably sucks and you've seen that episode of 30 Rock like a dozen times. When I got home, Jason couldn't get over the size my belly, which definitely seemed to pop a little further while I was gone. Some of my bump's size can still be blamed on bloating (and I am SO SURE that my dinner of airport McDonald's had NOTHING to do with it), but I am definitely showing already, much more than I did last time. With the exception of one lonely pair of stretchy low-rise jeans, I am in elastic waistband land and feeling rather lumpy. I'm also going to say that I'm noticing that general sort of pregnancy "spread" -- my upper arms and face look fuller, as do my thighs. So that's where I'm at, at the end of week 14. Still occasionally gagging or puking, but not that much. Slight headaches but no migraines. Food cravings and aversions are settling down. Am expert at finding baby with the doppler. Looking a lot more pregnant and feeling a little more human. Nails? Great. Hair? Just okay. Skin? Ugh. Still tired as hell, but hey! What's that? Why, it's my libido! I was wondering where that went. Hi, husband, don't you just looooove my physique? Yes? Great, now get yo' pants off. Oh Yeah, THIS: Ah, the second trimester. I love you so, second trimester. Even though I still have a few lone symptoms of misery that haven't yet left me completely, I do remember the unadulterated joy that comes with suddenly realizing that you totally don't feel like warmed-over ass 100% of the time! It's only, like, 43% of the time now! Hooray! 'Tis a pregnancy miracle. New This Time Around: Muscle aches and pains, man. I don't remember having this many painful knots in my neck and back last time. I don't remember my tailbone hurting quite this badly until much, much later last time -- like third trimester later. I'm sure I could blame some of the pain on just being flat-out older this time around, but I think the classy thing to do would be to go ahead and blame all of it on my ungrateful 30-pound toddler who still wants Mama to carry him places, can you believe the nerve of that kid.

Video for the Week: Maternity Style Must-Haves.

Week Thirteen

2008-04-15T21:03:18Z

Your Baby:

Is about three inches long, the size of a jumbo shrimp, or a very small ramekin of tartar sauce.
Has his or her own unique fingerprints already.
Has intestines on the INSIDE of his or her body. (They start developing outside the body, in the umbilical cord, and then sort of...migrate up to their proper home around 13 weeks. I know. Biology is WEIRD, dude.)
Will look less and less like a Big Giant Head and more and more proportionate as the next weeks tick by.

You:

Are probably not puking anymore? But don't freak out if you still are? I generally feel iffy until around week 16, although right now I'm only suffering from the occasional dry heave (on Tuesdays. Every damn Tuesday.) and have actual full days where I want to eat everything in sight because it's all so gooooood.
Are probably not as tired anymore? Unless you are me? I still can't seem to get enough sleep or make it through the day without a catnap. Although maybe I am just very lazy.
May start glowing soon, like everybody always talks about. The "glow" is actually just hormonal changes in your skin's oil production, but it seems most people find it dewy and lovely instead of...ew, gross, oil.
Your hair and nails might be changing as well -- a lot of women stop shedding hair during their pregnancies, leading to very thick heads of hair that may also grow faster. Fingernails tend to get stronger and longer as well, which I can personally attest to BEING AWESOME.

Welcome to the second trimester! Well, the second trimester as defined by MOST pregnancy books and calendars, although I believe there may be one or two that count week 13 as part of the first trimester (cough cough BabyCenter Essential Guide to Pregnancy and Birth cough), but they can suck eggs, frankly. I would never do that to you. We are in the second trimester, baby. I promise it gets better. I went and bought some serious maternity clothes this weekend -- something I swore I wouldn't have to do because hi! I've been pregnant before. I should already have buckets of maternity stuff. Except when I started digging through it all, I found that I didn't have very much. Since my last pregnancy was going to be my last and only pregnancy, I refused to spend money on maternity clothes. I bought everything on clearance, from the cheapest stores possible, and then borrowed the rest. So now I'm dealing with a three-fold problem: 1) I gave all the hand-me-downs back and have been unable to procure a new clothing source, because everybody else I know is either pregnant right now or was pregnant in the winter. 2) All the cheap stuff I bought barely made it through one pregnancy, and is practically disintegrating. 3) Also, wow, I wore THAT? THAT is ugly. I do not want to wear THAT again. Add on to this a mysterious weight loss that I was not aware of -- I appear to be about 10 pounds lighter and a full size smaller than I was when I started my first pregnancy -- and even the few nice pieces that I splurged on last time are way, way too big. Oh! And! The stuff I own is more suited for a professional office. Which I do not go to anymore. So I have about eight pairs of (way too big) khakis that require regular ironing (hah!), four pairs of cheapo black stretch pants with holes in the crotch, and ONE WHOLE PAIR OF JEANS. That are also way too big. And a lot of pink shirts. I...really dislike the pink shirts. So I guess the lesson for all you first-time pregnant ladies out there is this: Don't always go with the ultra-cheap stuff, because no matter what you think now, you may very well end up needing to wear it again, but also don't always go with the ultra-expensive stuff, because no matter what you think now, there's no guarantee that you'll be able to wear it again. Does that help? Glad I could clear that one up. So fine, I snagged a 15% off coupon at my doctor's office for a local fancy-like maternity boutique in the area and splurged on an amazing pair of jeans (Paige and Citizens make maternity versions of their jeans and really are a far cry from some of the droopy-butt stretch-pants some stores try to pass off as "denim"), a really cute dress, and two shirts that I love and have already worn like, seven times in the course of three days. I've filled out my maternity wardrobe with plenty of comfy clothes for around the house and quite a few non-maternity items from H&M and Old Navy and Target (seriously, I'm rejoicing over some of the baggy long tops and dresses I've gotten, but what non-pregnant girl would EVER want to wear stuff that will easily cover a six-month-old fetus?). So basically: build your maternity wardrobe just like your regular one. Mix and match high-end with bargains, invest in the stuff you know you'll wear to death (like jeans or dress pants or even a suit if you need it) and don't cut corners to the extent that you end up cringing over photos of the ghastly stuff you wore. Remember you'll wear maternity stuff after the baby is born too, and will probably want to wear something other than breastmilk-stained yoga pants occasionally. You know, if you're ever feeling fancy. (Oh, and if you're still cringing over the thought of spending money on maternity clothing and are also coming up dry on the hand-me-downs, check around your area for a mother-and-baby consignment shop. These are great for scoring the higher-end stuff AND for getting some of your money back when you're done with your own clothing.) Oh Yeah, THIS: please let me make it through the night without waking up to pee soon. please let me make it through the night without waking up to pee soon. oh please, I cannot take the waking-up-to-pee thing much longer. New This Time Around: I feel like I am kind of half-assing this pregnancy, especially when it comes to nutrition. I'm just...eek. Not caring at all. I've forgotten my prenatal vitamin more times that I'd like to admit, and have eaten some bonehead things out of sheer absent-mindedness. This weekend we went to a very nice dinner party at a friend's house, and I was halfway through my scallop-and-beef tartare with a raw quail egg cracked on top before I finally stopped and looked at it and went, "OH. RIGHT. CRAP." I'm definitely more relaxed about stuff like an occasional tuna fish sandwich or some nice cold cuts from a gourmet deli, but I have to admit that I sometimes do need to wake up and pay more attention to this stuff.

Video of the Week: Where to spend money and where to save when buying maternity clothes by Liz Lange.

Week Twelve

2008-04-09T13:53:58Z

Your Baby:

Is about two-and-a-half inches long. So still in the lemon/lime range. Comparison reruns! Sorry about that.
Already has pretty much every structure, organ and system needed for life by this point. Everything will continue to develop and mature, but your baby really is a perfect little miniature human being.
Reproductive organs are distinctly male or female. A 3D ultrasound could possibly make a pretty good guess at the sex now.
Can officially be Bugged By You. Reflexes have developed, so if you push on your uterus, your baby will squirm and move in response. You can't feel it, but it sure is fun to imagine getting flipped off by your fetus.

You:

Are you feeling better? I hope you're feeling better. I keep thinking I'm feeling better and then I'm not. And then I am again! And then I smell whatever it is that you're eating over there and BLEH.
Have a big-ass uterus now -- too big to remain all low in your pelvis. It'll sort of grow and migrate upwards during the second trimester. Pros: you won't have to pee so much. Cons: your baby will better be able to land many, many karate chops to your internal organs.
Are probably in some maternity clothes now, especially if this isn't your first pregnancy and/or haven't lost weight due to morning sickness. The whole waist-butt-thigh region is spreading, and it's best to just go with it and be comfortable.

I had to go and double-check the list of published entries (repeatedly) because I cannot believe I am here writing Week 12. The last week of the first trimester. The time for big sighs of relief and even bigger announcements. Some women wait until they're safely past the 12-week mark to tell ANYONE besides their partners, while others may tell friends and family but hold off on any workplace announcements. And then there's me, who ended up spilling the beans to my boss around six weeks last time due to a sudden spike in sick days and half days and panicked green-faced dashes out of important meetings. And this time I've been so compulsively blabby I'm pretty sure even the mailman knows my due date already. This weekend, however, I became thoroughly and utterly convinced that my baby had died. I know I'm not alone in this flavor of pregnancy paranoia and I KNOW this will probably not be the last time I assume the worst has happened, but oh my goodness, what a STATE I worked myself into. Tears and moping and obsessive web-searching (BACK AWAY FROM GOOGLE, CRAZY LADY) and pacing pacing pacing. Why? Well, I bought a stupid fetal doppler. For fun. And reassurance that everything was all right. (You can rent them too, but please. Think long and hard before welcoming this instrument of insanity into your home.) My first-trimester symptoms have decreased dramatically over the past week and I decided that the doppler would help keep me calm until I could feel the baby move in a few weeks or so. HA HA! I FORSEE MUCH FAIL! Long story short: fading pregnancy symptoms combined with hours and hours of nothing but static and my own pulse on the doppler led to a self-diagnosis of Dead Baby and Much Woe. I thought about all the people I'd have to break the news to -- all the people who I would probably run into in a few months who would stare at me in confusion -- the millions of little repercussions that would now follow my incredible cockiness for assuming that IT wouldn't happen to MEEEE -- not to mention just what in sam hill I was going to do with a first-person PREGNANCY COLUMN now. Ahem. The baby is fine. Heartbeat going strong at 165 beats per minute. Ultrasound and nuchal scan scheduled for first thing tomorrow morning. And today's pre-breakfast gagfest into the kitchen sink reminds me that I'm not quite out of the first trimester yet, so hold onto your butts, there's plenty of crazy left for the next six months. Oh Yeah, THIS: What, you mean BESIDES the raging emotions and soul-crushing paranoia? Well, fine. My nails (which are pretty much the worst and ugliest nails known to man, although I do have naturally well-behaved cuticles) are growing nice and long and strong, just like last time. They promptly all broke off within a week of giving birth, killing my theory that it was just the prenatal vitamins, so this time I plan to enjoy my lovely nails as much as possible. With as many manicures as possible. New This Time Around: I am sort of shocked at the depths of my indifference towards baby-related purchases. Last time I couldn't WAIT to start filling my house with small, pastel-colored crap and gifts! and things! and the nursery! This time, the only desire to set up the crib and move changing table and buy a few packs of onesies stems from the bigger desire to just GET IT OVER WITH. Noah's nursery was designed down to the smallest detail and included approximately 14,293,390 hand-stenciled leaves. The spare bedroom's walls are already a light green. Eh. Seems close enough. The room is full of furniture I have to find another place for and bin after bin of maternity clothes that have been slooooowly migrating to my closet piece by piece, because I don't feel like dealing with a full-on closet switchover. My mom mentioned looking at little baby clothes and I mostly just moaned oh god, don't buy me anything yet, I have nowhere to put it! The whole shopping and prepping for baby experience has been completely tainted by the realization that no matter what you do ahead of time, you're still going to make 25 trips to Babies 'R Us with a tiny newborn in tow, and that same tiny newborn is going to pee and poop and spit up all over the coordinated crib bedding and decorative pillows and every adorable little outfit, so you might as well just put a lot of newspaper down at first.

Video for the Week: How to build a maternity wardrobe with Liz Lange.

Week Eleven

2008-04-02T12:37:53Z

Your Baby:

Is the size of a small lemon or large lime. With a twist! Yeah, we're done with the bean and nut comparisons and have moved onto fruit. Next stop, small household appliances!
Is officially a fetus, and is downright human-baby looking with non-webbed fingers and toes, although s/he needs a lot more cooking and fattening up.
Is moving and kicking and dancing and even hiccuping, although you won't be able to feel the acrobatics for a few more weeks (sometime between weeks 16 and 20).

You:

Please, it's just all more of the same. The pregnancy books are all yapping about how much better and less sick/exhausted/crabby we should be feeling by now, and I spent a very productive morning hurling several particularly annoying tomes at the wall.

Okay, this week's entry will cover several things that I am in no way qualified to cover. But considering this is the Internet, I'd like to see anyone try and stop me. We already sort-of covered some of the typical first-trimester tests, or at least the ones tied to your family's genetic history. Now it's time to start thinking about all the other ones. If you're over 35, your doctor may be a little more pushy about genetic testing. Conversely, if you're under 35, your doctor may just assume you're not interested in them. No matter what your age, the tests are entirely optional, so it's obviously best for everybody to educate their own little selves about the available tests and decide which ones (if any) they'd like to pursue. With Noah, the only test I was offered (and likewise accepted) was the triple-screen or multiple marker test, which is a simple blood test performed between weeks 16 and 18 that screens for neural tube defects, Down syndrome and Trisomy 18. I'm not sure what we would have done if we'd gotten a positive result -- usually further testing like an ultrasound and an amniocentesis is next. Our results were negative, however, and I was able to stick with my plan of only accepting the tests that offered absolutely no risk to the fetus (even though I knew these tests also had higher rates of false positives, bah!). There are now two tests offered during the first trimester -- the nuchal fold scan (or nuchal translucency screening) and chorionic villus sampling (CVS) -- that check for Down syndrome and other chromosomal abnormalities. CVS is usually suggested for women over 35, while the nuchal fold scan is a newer test that can be performed on women of any age, but isn't quite considered "routine" yet, although it's definitely growing in popularity. Why? Well, it's simple, non-invasive and painless. And squeeeee it's an ultrasound! Pregnant women love them some ultrasounds. And unlike CVS, which carries a slight miscarriage risk (1-2%), the nuchal scan carries none. It's simply the measurement of the clear space at the fold in the back of your baby's neck. Babies with chromosomal abnormalities tend to have extra fluid in this area during the first trimester, so the ultrasound (sometimes combined with a finger-prick blood test for mama) can actually give you a decent heads up on potential problems. Of course, they've yet to invent a test that is both "non-invasive" and "totally accurate," so the nuchal scan is NOT a diagnostic tool. But it IS a nice option for anyone on the fence about testing. If the results are suspect, you can move on to CVS, but if everything looks great, you can breathe a nice sigh of relief and skip the rest. The nuchal scan is done between 11 and 14 weeks. (Although the brochure I received from my doctor says 13 weeks, 6 days is the latest it can be performed.) Chorionic villus sampling examines fetal cells collected from the placenta -- specifically, from these tiny fingerlike spidery things called chorionic villi. Your doctor will use a thin catheter through your cervix or a needle through your abdomen to collect the cells, depending on the position of your placenta. I'm pretty sure it hurts a bit. It's generally done between 10 and 12 weeks, and is considered more than 99% accurate. Again, these tests are completely optional. I admit I'm mostly going for the nuchal scan because 1) I like ultrasounds, 2) my insurance pays for it, and 3) I suppose, if I am going to have a child with disabilities, I'd like to know as soon as possible so we can prepare ourselves for it. I tentatively believe I'm one of those "I'll have this baby no matter what" people, but I also admit to being rather spoiled and blase about the whole thing, because I don't have any reason to believe my child would even be disabled. I'm only 30, have no family history, my first kid turned out all right, etc. Ah, hubris. (Trust me on this, though: about 10 minutes before my appointment I will fuh-REAK the eff out over the test and panicpanicpanic because THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH MAH BABY I KNOW IT.) You might have some mitigating factors that make the whole genetic testing topic more of a minefield for you, and if that's the case, it's best to read as much information about the various tests as you can, and have several talks with your partner about your options and the potential outcomes. We (thankfully) have many, many choices available to us -- and it's funny how I actually value those choices even more after having a baby, because it honestly never occurred to me that those choices are extremely relevant to WANTED pregnancies as well. Oh Yeah, THIS: I have zits all up in my hairline. I suppose that's significantly better than getting them right on my nose, or something, but MAN, this is annoying. New This Time Around: (whispers) The puking has stopped. Last time I puked straight through week 14, and still couldn't really eat anything until week 16. I'm still not loving food and food smells, but oh, dear God, I think the puking has stopped.

Video for the Week: Pregnancy Diet-- What types of protein dishes and how much should I consume?

Week Ten

2008-03-26T14:00:23Z

Your Baby:

Will officially be considered a fetus by the end of this week.
Is over an inch long, maybe by as much as 3/4 of ANOTHER WHOLE INCH. That's almost TWO INCHES.
That's about the size of a...hmm...*glances frantically around room*...okay, it's slightly bigger than a really big coat button, but not quite as long as a AA battery. There.
Has a heartbeat strong enough to be heard via a Doppler.
Most congenital conditions appear before the end of week 10, meaning the most delicate and critical development period is over. You can breathe a sigh of relief over that, but...uh, I wouldn't go celebrate the milestone with a bathtub of gin, or anything.

You:

Might be starting to feel just the teensiest bit better, symptom-wise. Morning sickness "typically" peaks around week nine, but you have my permission to tell me to shove that "typical" business up my ass.

Just like I just flipped the double bird at my copy of Your Pregnancy Week by Week for telling me that I don't need maternity clothes yet. Look, my bump may be 75% methane gas at this point, but that doesn't mean my gasbaby should be made to suffer constricting waistbands.

New bras might be a good idea, as I recently discovered after seeing a photo of myself taken by someone else and oh look! Armpit boobs!

Congratulations! You've made it to the double-digits. The final weeks of the first trimester will slowly tick by but then ta-da! Second Trimester. Is anyone here a little...emotional? About...anything? And everything? While I have always been prone to a little teary-up-ness during movies and soft-focus commercials, I become a blubbery emo HOT MESS when I'm pregnant. Last time, before I even knew I was pregnant, I sat on the couch and sobbed sobbed sobbed during 13 Going On 30, completely helpless to do anything about it even after Jason walked in to find me raccoon-eyed and shaking, blabbering on and on about something about a dollhouse before he finally turned around and silently left the room. This time I had similarly proud moments during The Ghost Whisper (TELL MY DAUGHTER I'M SO PROUD OF HER!), HBO's John Adams (SMALLPOX!), Miss Pettigrew Lives For a Day (WE'RE SEEING A MOVIE IN THE THEATER AND I'M JUST SO HAPPY ABOUT IT!), and about a zillion times during the day when I am alone and able to indulge my shameful habit of seeking out sad news stories about babies on the Internet so I may shed hot tears and weep and then chase Noah around demanding hugs to make Mama happy again. I am a sick, sick person. Oh Yeah, THIS: My belly is big and round and high up and all in front. I know it's mostly bloat and baby-related accessories at this point (see: inch-and-a-half, crown-to-rump), but the exact same thing happened to me last time. My belly popped out around week eight or nine and never popped back in -- it basically just hung out there until the baby was actually big enough to take up the space. On the one hand, yay! Belly! I love round pregnant bellies and I loved the way I looked when I was pregnant (up until the ridiculous hugeness at the end, of course). And I'll take a prematurely popped-out belly to all-around bloat-y largeness any day. On the other hand: "Aw, congratulations! How far along are you?" "Uh. About 10 weeks or so." *well-wisher eyes belly, raises eyebrows in horror, backs away slowly* New This Time Around: I ate some weird-ass stuff last time, all in the name of Just Trying To Keep Food Down. I found a few things that just always tasted good and didn't trigger my nose or my nausea (nuggets, fries, saag paneer, pudding), but I wouldn't say I really CRAVED anything. At least not movie-style cravings where the woman is kicking her husband and demanding that he go buy her a ridiculous combination of foods. My bizarre eating habits were more about self-preservation than a desperate NEED for that particular food. I have cravings this time. CRAVE. INGS. Right now I want a can of black olives and a tuna fish sandwich on the Archer's Farms whole grain white bread that you can get at Target. Nothing else will do, mercury and sodium content be damned. Sunday night I demanded Texas-style chili and chicken wings. I wanted them so badly my skin itched. Last night I wanted NOTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD but a vegetarian burrito from Chipotle with hot salsa and sour cream. I would like to note that NONE of these cravings have been obliged by my husband. NONE. (Perhaps I should try crying about it?)

Video for the Week: What non-maternity clothes should I wear during the first trimester?

Week Nine

2008-03-18T11:05:07Z

Your Baby:

Is about the size of a grape, or perhaps a cocktail olive, the kind that's marinated in vermouth and stuffed with blue cheese.
(Is not marinated in vermouth or stuffed with blue cheese.)
Has fingers and toes and eyelids and ears.
External boy and girl-parts are present, but won't be really distinguishable for another couple weeks.

You:

Have a uterus the size of a flipping grapefruit, lady.
*BARF* Again. Still.
With all the extra blood pumping through your system (about 50% more blood volume, actually), your body temperature may be a little jacked up -- if you're constantly complaining about being too hot or too cold, this is why.

You may have gained some weight already (that was me, two weeks ago), or you may have lost some weight (that's me, now). Here's how your weight gain should pan out over the next seven months or so, at least according to your average pregnancy book or website: 12 pounds: Maternal stores (fat, protein, Cheezits, etc.) 4 pounds: Increased fluid volume, aka water weight, aka blooooaaaat 2 pounds: IN YOUR BRA 2 pounds: Uterus 2 pounds: Amniotic fluid 1.5 pounds: Mmmmmplacenta 7.5 pounds: Baby! ("HA!" says the woman who birthed a 10-pounder.) So that means the average pregnancy book thinks you should gain no more than 31 pounds total. Otherwise, you are a big fat fattie who ate her weight in Cheezits because she thought pregnancy gave her a free pass. YOU FAIL PREGNANCY! The truth is, weight gain in pregnancy varies WILDLY from woman to woman, just like our "normal" weights and metabolisms vary. Some women can eat and eat and eat and still gain weight in line with the guide above, while others seem to balloon up no matter how healthy and reasonable their diets are. It's all about genetics (ask your mom how much she gained), your pre-pregnancy level of fitness and metabolism, and also just some random streaks of luck. Sometimes weight gain will vary for the same woman over different pregnancies. Obviously, we all want to eat healthy and make sure our babies are getting all the right nutrients and none of us want to struggle with 20 extra pounds of "baby weight" for the next 20 years. It does feel nice to indulge in that entire pint of ice cream or box of cookies, but blah blah blah moderation. You know what? Just do your best. It'll be enough, I promise. Oh Yeah, THIS: The hair on my legs and other...ahem...areas is growing alarmingly fast. That is all. New This Time Around: Ages and ages ago, before I ever had any babies, I was that girl who was always cold. Always! I took a sweater everywhere in case of air conditioning, and I'd get goose bumps from having the car windows down in 80-degree weather. And then I got pregnant and ACK! HOT! ALWAYS SO HOT! I couldn't sleep under the covers and was always sweaty and OF COURSE I was pregnant during some of the hottest temperatures Washington, DC had seen in years. I've bordered on being "too hot" ever since. This time I am so freaking cold I cannot stand it. I need more blankets and flannel pyjamas and I can make grown men scream with the slightest poke of my corpse-like ice-cold feet. The temperature was in the high 60s the other day and I wandered around with my teeth chattering. Bah.

Video for the Week: How much weight should I gain during pregnancy?

Week Eight

2008-03-12T05:56:52Z

Your baby:

Is about the size of a gummy bear or kidney bean, and dear LORD I promise to be done with the bean comparisons soon, because it is all entirely too precious.
Is extremely jointy, with fingers and toes and elbows and knees that s/he can bend and wiggle.
Almost doesn't have a tail anymore.

You:

Are possibly a walking ball of first-trimester misery, if I may project myself on you for a bit.
*BARF*
OMG I HAVE TO PEE I JUST PEED OMG I HAVE TO PEE AGAIN
May be having trouble sleeping at night, despite being exhausted.

Oh, and allow me to introduce you to your sciatic nerve. It is, quite literally, a pain in your ass. And a pain down the back of your legs. Trust me, you'll know it when you feel it. Some women are prone to TERRIBLE sciatic pain throughout their pregnancies, which is caused by your expanding uterus putting pressure on the nerve. Some women only notice it occasionally, or only during certain times in pregnancy. (I had it from about week 18 on, but some women get it right away.) There's not a whole heap you can do about it, other than lie down on the opposite side of the pain if it comes at night. Keeping your legs uncrossed and your feet supported during the day can help a little too. At this point you should definitely have a prenatal visit scheduled, and you may have had it already. (Mine is tomorrow. Whee. Yay. Etc.) Your first prenatal visit will probably consist of a pelvic exam, lots of questions about your family's health history, a urine test (pregnant ladies are AWFULLY prone to UTIs, on top of everything else) and some blood tests. The blood tests will check your pregnancy hormone levels, but will also tell your doctor all sorts of other things: blood type, blood count, Rh factor, immunity for rubella and chickenpox, and will be screenings for Hepatitis B, HIV and syphillis. You and your partner's ethnic backgrounds and family histories may also lead to a recommendation for further genetic screenings (for stuff like sickle-cell, cystic fibrosis and Tay-Sachs). Needless to say, it's all just terribly fun. But at this point, "uneventful" is definitely what you want out of your prenatal visits. If you're about 10 weeks along at your appointment, you'll probably be able to hear your baby's heartbeat with the doppler, but no such luck right now. Thank you, come again. Oh Yeah, THIS: Wow. WOW. I really had forgotten what a cavalcade of misery the first trimester can be. Nauseated but hungry. Tired but unable to sleep. Pudgy but not pregnant-looking. In pain from a variety of complaints and suffering from a weakened immune system but forbidden from taking most over-the-counter remedies. Moody and cranky and irritable and weepy. Maybe THIS is why I swore Noah was going to be an only child for all those months. Huh. New This Time Around: The only one who had to suffer my moods and general crankitude (besides me, of course, for oh! how I suffered) last time was Jason. Who, frankly, was a big boy and could deal with it and probably deserved it a little bit. This time, there's a little two-and-a-half-year-old here who doesn't understand that Mama's head hurts or that she really needs some privacy in the potty or that she's just really, really tired. I'm snapping at him, I'm impatient with him, I'm serving him the same damn inoffensive pizza snacks for every meal because they're the only cooking smell that doesn't make me sick. And I feel terrible about it, which is awesome, because I clearly wasn't feeling terrible enough already.

Video for the Week: Fashion tricks to help you to dress great during your first trimester of pregnancy with Liz Lange.

Week Seven

2008-03-04T19:59:29Z

Your baby:

Still with the growing. Always with the growing. Your baby starts off this week at four or five millimeters long, but is a whopping half an inch by the end.
Has a two-chambered heart, air passages in the lungs, and cerebral hemispheres in the braaaaaains.
Has an appendix, which is kind of cool until you remember that the appendix is almost completely useless. But it's there now! Awww.

You:

Might be feeling a little urpy and gaggy and pukey.
Are incredibly sensitive to smells.
Like, seriously. Who burned an English muffin in the employee break room this morning? WHO? WHO IS RESPONSIBLE? I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN, YOU MUFFIN-BURNING BASTARD.

Before I really get into this week's update, I would like to give a personal shout-out to my new best friend, Dannon Activia Yogurt, also known as the yogurt that helps you poop. What up, dawg? Thanks for being there for me. You're the best, and I love you. Very much. Inappropriately much. Mmmm. So we're still in the first trimester holding pattern this week. Tired and peeing a lot and moody and possibly a walking ball of digestive issues and paranoia. If you haven't spilled the beans to people yet, you're probably dying to. You may feel more pregnant than you actually look (even though your uterus has doubled in size), and without that nice round belly you might not be getting a ton of "everything is okay" reassurance from your symptoms. (Of course, as I have learned, all bets are off for a second pregnancy, as my previously stretched-out joey-pouch belly has rejoiced at the chance to totally fulfill its poochy destiny once more.) Morning sickness typically shows up between week six and seven -- it'll peak within a few weeks and hopefully dissipate soon into the second trimester. You will not hear stories from me about my friend's cousin's dog-walker who threw up the entire nine months, because that stuff is just SO NOT HELPFUL and always made me feel particularly stabby. So I will tell you this: the terrible morning/noon/night sickness of my first pregnancy went away after week 13. There was another week or two of some sensitivity to foods and odors, but by week 16 I felt incredibly great and Hulk-level hungry. If you're suffering from morning sickness, you'll notice that EVERYBODY and their friend's cousin's dog-walker has the perfect cure-all remedy for it. You have my full permission to ignore them. Every woman's morning sickness is different. And every woman's morning sickness for every pregnancy is different. This time around, the whole "keep food in your belly all the time" thing really does help. If I go too long without a little snack, I get extremely queasy. But I'm also not actually throwing up. Last time, I threw up. A lot. All the time. Stomach full, half-full, completely empty -- it did not matter. I choked down just enough food to stay alive and had a 20-minute monologue prepared about how YES, BOILING WATER HAS A SMELL. A BAD, BAD SMELL. I tried lemon candies and "real" ginger ale and crackers and fruit and hot baths and I don't even remember what else. None of it worked, although it did really hammer home the lesson to STOP and THINK before I opened my big fat mouth to give another pregnant woman my extremely valuable and 100% awesome advice. (On that ironic note, Vitamin Water and a heating pad directly on my belly worked MIRACLES for the puking last time. Seriously. Made life worth living.) (This time I'm more of a Saltine-crackers-with-a-cola-chaser kind of girl. ) If you're NOT suffering from morning sickness (and have actually read this far -- sorry, I couldn't put you first lest all the sick puking pregnant women go after you with pitchforks), consider yourself lucky. Seriously. I know we all get fed the "morning sickness = healthy pregnancy" thing but it's important to note that "no morning sickness" does NOT equal an unhealthy pregnancy. It really, really doesn't. Some women don't have a ton of symptoms in early pregnancy. Or any! This doesn't mean your body isn't producing and doubling pregnancy hormones at the proper rate. It just means your body is TOLERATING the doubling pregnancy hormones better. Basically: you're a pregnancy viking! You win and the rest of us miserable saps fail. If you had symptoms and they suddenly vanish, or if your lack of symptoms is accompanied by steady spotting AND uterine cramping -- yes. These are not great signs and you should call your doctor. But a lack of symptoms in and of itself? Pfft. Not worth obsessing over, although I know that's easier said than done. Oh Yeah, THIS: So l get these weird little red bumps on my skin when I'm pregnant. They aren't zits or a rash or anything -- they actually look like tiny red moles. Raised. About the size of the head of a pin. Last time I got a couple on my hands and arms and thighs and immediately hauled ass to the dermatologist when my OB couldn't explain them. She identified them as a passing hormonal thing and assured me they would go away once I gave birth. I was skeptical, since I am (ahem) a fairly moley person to begin with and they sure did look like something I was gonna be stuck with and argh! Why are there SO MANY of them? Sure enough, they vanished almost immediately after Noah was born. I remember cutting off my hospital bracelets at home and noticing that the spots on my hand were completely gone. Well, the spots are back again, only this time they're all over my stomach. Over a dozen at last count. Ah, pregnancy. You are just so damn WEIRD. New This Time Around: Besides the new flavor of morning sickness, I've developed the Dread Pregnancy Migraines. Now, I used to get migraines all the time, from puberty on. And it was one of my big fears before getting pregnant the first time, since I knew my migraine medications were not exactly pregnancy-approved. But I never had headaches last time, and honestly never had a migraine since Noah's birth. Unless I had a hangover (me? hungover? what? never!!), I never took any OTC or prescription pain medication, and I was pretty happy about it. And like every other woman who spends too much time online, I read That Study. You know, That Study About Caffeine & Miscarriages & Step Away From The Starbucks, You Negligent Embryo-Killer. And I also read many, many follow-up articles that criticized the study and pointed out the many flaws in both the execution and the conclusions. And I agreed that the connection between caffeine and miscarriage was mostly likely vastly overstated. And yet... I had that moment after I found out I was pregnant -- the coffee cup halfway between the kitchen counter and my lips -- when I doubted it all and wondered if I shouldn't just err on the side of caution and go cold-turkey on caffeine. Since coffee was giving me some heartburn early on, I decided to cut it out completely. Then the headaches started. The terrible, blinding headaches. Migraines. I could feel them coming on in places besides my head. My shoulder blades ached. My stomach churned. My eyes squinted in the light and then I felt the telltale throbbing behind my eye sockets. Within 20 minutes I was buried under the covers in bed, sobbing silently in the Worst Pain Ever, Including Labor and an Emergency C-Section. My doctor told me to take some Tylenol with a can of Coke*. Or Excederin Tension Headache (acetaminophen and caffeine, but no aspirin). Caffeine was always an essential part of my migraine coping strategy back in the day, so I wasn't exactly surprised by his recommendation. Turns out I don't even need the acetaminophen. I just need a little caffeine. Everything in moderation, dudes. *Like everything else, please talk to your own doctor about your own symptoms. Kthnxdontsuemeplz.

Video for the Week: Do I need to go shopping for maternity clothes during the first trimester of my pregnancy?

Week Six

2008-02-26T20:31:00Z

Your baby:

Has tripled or even quadrupled in size and is now three or four entire millimeters long! Godzilla baby!
Is working on growing a nose, some ears and a mouth.
Is also growing flappy little leg and arm buds.
Has a heartbeat that can be seen on an ultrasound -- 100 to 160 beats per minute.

You:

Are maybe moody as hell.
Are getting up in the middle of the night to pee.
Food cravings and/or aversions can be pretty strong at this point. If salad with a prenatal vitamin chaser makes your stomach flip and your esophagus burn, then for God's sake skip the salad and eat something that sounds appealing, be it chicken nuggets or black olives straight out of the can. There's no need to be the Healthy Salad Martyr Pregnant Woman, nobody likes her anyway.
Depending on the state of your digestive system and appetite, you may have gained a couple pounds already -- or you may have lost weight. Don't stress either way right now. It'll probably all even out in the end.

If you are "lucky" enough to score an ultrasound this week, you'll probably be able to see your baby's heartbeat. It's ridiculously exciting, considering it mostly looks like some flickering pixels on a TV with really crappy reception. After seeing the heartbeat, your risk of miscarriage shoots down to 10 to 15%. It's not as great as getting out of the double-digits (at 10 weeks your risk is only 3%), but still. In the crapshoot of fertility, take the sighs of relief whenever you can get them. I saw my own little Quasimobryo's heartbeat on Monday, and pumped my fists in the air and told my husband to get my toddler's giant melon head out of the way of the screen. My doctor attempted to get a better idea of the baby's gestational age by measuring the head-to-rump length (which in these early days is more like "head-like-bulge-to-tail-like-tadpole-bottom), but came up with a measurement of only 5 weeks, 6 days. I've decided to go ahead and ignore this age, because 1) it would be very, VERY unlikely to see a strong, obvious heartbeat at that age, 2) ultrasound measurements are very, VERY unreliable, particularly early on, and 3) I don't want to believe I am going to be pregnant for that many more weeks. So I'm sticking with my earlier hunch that I am six full weeks along and closing in on week seven. Take THAT, science! You can't make me believe things I don't want to believe! And for those of you who are not me, and therefore probably aren't nearly as interested in my Gestational Age of Mystery, may I just encourage y'all to take it easy? During my first pregnancy, I actually tried to fight my symptoms. No naps! Naps are for the weak! No junk food even though oh my God it would taste so good and be the edible equivalent to getting someone to scratch that one itch right in the middle of your back where you can't reach...oh...ahhh. No! You eat salad and healthy grilled chicken! (Even though: chicken! Ew! Puke!) No Tylenol no matter how much your head hurts! Sack up, little camper! Try to rest. You aren't lazy or out of shape -- you're pregnant and there's just no fighting this fatigue. Try to eat what will stay down with the least amount of discomfort. Pay attention to your fiber intake (trust me, you don't want to add hemorrhoids to your first-trimester woes) and don't freak out if you had a tad less Folic Acid today than yesterday. Extra orange juice is a noble idea, but not if it's causing you fetal-position-type heartburn. I remember trying to act specifically NOT pregnant at work during the first trimester, but there definitely comes a time to cry uncle, eat the box of powdered donuts and then ask your boss if you can leave an hour early so you can go home and take a nap. Oh Yeah, THIS: I miss pooping. That is all. New This Time Around: I'm freaking itchy. All the time. My skin doesn't look or feel particularly dry, but MY GOD IT ITCHES. And when I scratch, I give myself welts and hives. And yet, I scratch. I sat in a friend's living room this weekend and scratched and scratched and scratched at my upper arms because it was driving me out of my mind and finally she asked if I had a rash or a bug bite or just some wicked cocaine withdrawal symptoms because MY GOD STOP SCRATCHING. Surprise! It's yet another common symptom of pregnancy. Pruritus gravidarum, if you want to be all technical about it. Nearly 20% of pregnant women suffer from it -- most often in the third trimester, but it can occur at any time. I'm proof! Cooling lotions with menthol and camphor are the best treatment, although antihistamines can be brought in for really severe, going-to-lose-my-mind-or-claw-my-skin-off cases.

Week Five

2008-02-22T18:20:07Z

Your baby:

Is about the size of a sesame seed.
Looks more like a tadpole than a human-variety baby.
Making developmental leaps and bounds by the hour like a damned GENIUS CHILD.

You:

Are totally for-real pregnant, with a positive home pregnancy test to prove it and everything.
Are definitely popping a prenatal vitamin everyday -- you can pick them up at any grocery store or vitamin shop. Your doctor can also write you a prescription, but if your insurance doesn't cover them it's perfectly fine to buy them off the shelf.
If you don't FEEL very pregnant yet, don't panic. It's early. Breast tenderness and fatigue may be all you've got at this point.
Oh, and yes, it is time to stop smoking, drinking, doing drugs and licking inner-city mailboxes, if you're into that sort of thing.

Operation Chill Out hit its first major obstacle this week in the form of cramping. Lots and lots of cramping. Now, I do remember some cramping last time -- right before I found out I was pregnant, actually, because I distinctly remember deciding to NOT take a pregnancy test after I missed my period, since the cramping told me it must be imminent. But this week was different, since I could clearly tie the cramping to activities, like running errands or picking up my toddler or just WALKING TO THE BATHROOM. The pain shot through my abdomen and around my back and I swear I could feel it around my pubic bone at times. I took to the couch with a ginormous bottle of water (dehydration can cause uterine cramping) and tried to stay put for as long as possible.

My husband finally handed me the phone and ordered me to call the doctor -- my first prenatal appointment isn't for another few weeks and he was not happy about that. My doctor told me everything I already knew: drink plenty of water, rest, and relax. If there's no bleeding, cramping is usually completely normal. But...come in for a quick ultrasound anyway.

At five weeks and change, your baby is about a millimeter long. That's incredibly tiny and hard to see with even the best ultrasound equipment. This is not to say that there isn't stuff there -- the early shapes of a head and torso and the teensiest little limb-buds are starting to form, along with internal organs and the chambers of the heart. By next week, that little heart will be a visible flickering pixel on a sonogram, but right now it's all just too small to see.

My ultrasound this week confirmed that I was carrying a single appropriately-sized embryo -- appropriate for a five-week-old pregnancy, meaning the baby itself was about three weeks old. And it ruled out the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy. (Where the embryo implants anywhere other than the uterine wall, like in a fallopian tube or down on the cervix or even IN an ovary.) Cramping and abdominal pain can be a symptom of an ectopic pregnancy, but like all other Bad Things, it is usually accompanied by bleeding.

Then again, some spotting is completely normal and harmless. It can be a stray clot, a urinary tract infection, or just one of those weird things that happens. You just don't always know. Welcome to pregnancy! And...parenthood, actually. Now that I think about it.

(Now that we're in the realm of actual can-be-documented stuff about pregnancy, I'll be including a couple things each week comparing my first and second pregnancy. "Oh Yeah, THIS" will be the stuff I went through the first time but ~~repressed~~ forgot about, and "New This Time Around" will cover all the stuff that makes my current pregnancy a unique and special little snowflake.)

Oh Yeah, THIS: Bloating! Dude. Duuuuude. The first time around I (wrongly) assumed that I started showing ridiculously early, and no lie, I LOOK like I'm showing already. My pants don't fit and I have a round poochy belly that I cannot suck in. But of course, my uterus is still tiny. I am bloated. Am balloon. Am walking around with my pants undone, affectionately rubbing my little gas-baby and there's just nothing to be done about it. Thank heavens for the Bella Band.

New This Time Around: Well, the frequent and painful cramping, obviously. I've since read all about the round ligament pain that plagues a lot of second pregnancies, and also how uterine scarring -- be it from endometriosis or previous D&Cs or c-sections -- can also exacerbate the cramping. I also went to the price club and purchased a giant pallet of bottled water and keep one with me CONSTANTLY. Staying hydrated has definitely helped, even if I am also dashing to the bathroom CONSTANTLY. A full, pressing bladder is infinitely more preferable to the sensation that my uterus is about to expel its precious cargo.

Week Four

2008-02-22T18:08:51Z

Your baby is:

Implanted snugly in the rich lining of your delicious uterus.
Still less than a millimeter long.
Seriously, a MILLIMETER. Go pull out a ruler and wrap your mind around that.
I will wait.
Okay, that little millimeter is growing three different cell layers already -- the ectoderm, endoderm and mesoderm.
In case you FOR SOME REASON don't remember high school biology class (shame!), those are the earliest beginning of your baby's nervous system, hair, skin, gastrointestinal tract, pancreas, liver, thyroid, skeleton, blood system, connective tissue, urogenital system and muscles. Oh, IS THAT ALL?

You are:

Probably wondering where your period is.
Beating the hell out of your boobs to see if they're sore.
Peeing on sticks, possibly cursing out sticks.

Sometime around the end of week four, you will officially miss your period, if you're the sort of gal who pays attention to that sort of thing. (I know before I ever entering the trying-to-conceive game I was definitely the type who could not remember my LMP for the life of me.) And if you're the sort of gal who enjoys peeing on your dollars, you will probably run right out and buy some of those "test FIVE DAYS before you miss your period!" pregnancy tests.

Ignore what the tests say on the box: very very very very few women will get a positive result a day before they miss a period, let alone FIVE DAYS before they miss it. I'm sure it happens, although I must admit that it has never happened to a single pregnant woman I've known. And I've known a lot of pregnant women. We all reported clear-cut positive results about a day to five days after we missed our periods, but a lot of negatives before.

For my current pregnancy I tested on day 28 in the midst of terrible, terrible nausea but got a negative. (My cycle is about 30 days, usually.) This negative convinced me that I had the stomach flu instead of the knocked-up flu, and only after six more days of heartburn and nausea did I finally break down and buy more sticks. And boom! A resounding positive result in about five seconds.

The point is: if you MUST test early, re-test once you really and truly have missed your period.

Now. Onto the most popular topic ever...

The earliest signs of pregnancy.

For a lot of women, sore boobs are the first sign that Something Is Up. But sore boobs are also a pretty common symptom of regular ol' PMS. So...argh! Useless! A lot of women (myself included) report that pregnant sore boobs ARE different than PMS sore boobs, but in a way that's hard to describe. Mine are more...burny and stabby and heavy, whereas PMS boobs just kind of...ache. Wearing a bra hurts, going without a bra hurts. Wrapping a towel around your chest after a shower hurts. That moment when you take your bra off at the end of the day hurrrrrrrts, like YOW YOW YOW THAT HURTS. Except when it doesn't hurt, because the soreness can and does vary from day to day. (So if you're pregnant and your boobs hurt yesterday but don't hurt today, don't panic, and don't mash them into lumpy potatoes while trying to get reassurance that you're still pregnant.)

Personally, I like to shake things up a little bit and get the morning sickness going as soon as humanly possible. The books say most women get nauseous around week six or seven. (Those women who aren't among the lucky 25% who never suffer from it at all.) (I HATE YOU.) My gastrointestinal tract is the first thing to go all kablooey in pregnancy, with dry heaving, sensitivity to odors, acid reflux, constipation and bloating to the point of needing maternity clothes showing up right away. (I am wicked sexy.) I've managed to steer clear of actual puking so far, but we'll see what happens around week seven, when my general digestive discomfort turned into full-on vomitous misery in Pregnancy #1. (I really do think I had a 24-hour stomach bug the week before I tested, but the pregnancy hormones kept everything churning for a few extra days.)

All my research sources mention "implantation bleeding" as an early sign of pregnancy. This would happen sometime between the end of week three and the beginning of week four and result in a light and one-time spotting on your underwear. Nobody I know has ever reported this actually happening to them, but dozens of women I know have tried to convince themselves that no, that's NOT their period starting, that's implantation bleeding, I better pee on a stick! (Full disclosure: I may be including my own dumb hopeful self here.)

And then there's the fatigue, the headaches and backaches and uterine cramping and changes in appetite and the frequent dashes to the bathroom to pee. All this and those pesky peesticks may STILL be giving you the Big Fat Negative.

Week Three

2008-02-22T18:01:15Z

Your baby is:

A rogue band of cells, a'huntin' and a'feudin' and rapidly dividin' while traveling the wilds of your fallopian tube, headed towards the uterine promised land.
About the size of the head of a pin.
Possibly already the cutest thing you've ever seen.

You are:

Still pretty clueless.

Welcome to the two-week wait! This is the mind-numbingly annoying stretch of days between ovulation and peestick time.

Let's just get the nonsense out of the way: Exercising won't knock the baby loose. Drinking a margarita (or hell, plural margaritas) before you know you're pregnant won't make your baby's brain grow inside out. Sleeping on your side/back/stomach won't cause/prevent a miscarriage/ectopic pregnancy/a baby with flippers.

The human race? We are actually a fairly hardy bunch. We existed for many many years without early result pregnancy tests and six-week ultrasounds and Folic Acid supplements. Obviously, stuff happens -- and many times that stuff gets dealt with very early on in life in the form of a spontaneous miscarriage, but there's very little YOU can do at this point to sway the outcome. So pop a prenatal vitamin, take a swig of whatever beverage you damn well feel like swigging, cross your fingers and hope for the best.

And this goes for anyone who already knows they're pregnant and is now scouring through the earlier weeks in a panic because of "something" they did wrong before they knew. That hour in the hot tub...that fall on the icy sidewalk... the vodka shooters at your friend's bachelorette party. Did I hurt my baby?

I was right up there with the Best of the Neurotics during my first pregnancy. Every twinge and cramp meant hours of worry and fretting. I checked the toilet paper for blood every time I went to the bathroom. A fall down some stairs at a restaurant brought me to hysterical tears and sent me to bed for the rest of the day. And you know what? It didn't change anything, except that all my memories of early pregnancy are colored with a lot of stress and fear. I went on to give birth to an honest-to-God tank of a baby, and to wish that someone had just slapped me early on and told me to CHILL OUT.

So my goal for this pregnancy is to do just that: CHILL OUT. And to remember that not everything is within my control, that Every Bad Thing cannot be avoided by obsessing over fruits and vegetables and low-mercury fish alone, and that expecting the worst does not make The Worst hurt any less if it happens. So...deep breath...enjoy it, Self. (As much as you can enjoy something that makes you so gassy and tired and bloated.)

And for any pregnant woman joining me along the way over the next 30-odd weeks or so, hopefully I will be the written-word equivalent of that slap in the face. You chill out too! That's an order! Look at how chilled out I am! Eeeeeeeee!