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Because I Have Already Solved the World's Foundation Problems

Published 08.22.2006 | Permanent Link | Comments (12)

Hi Amy,

I'm a 21 year old woman in college in Washington D.C. I'm currently dating a 23-year-old man who is working at a media company in the D.C. area. This is the first relationship for both of us. We've been together for 15 months and on paper we're the perfect couple. He treats me extremely well, planning little surprises, is always there for me when I need him etc. I try to be the same for him. When I have a problem or good news to report, he's the first one I call and vice versa. We love each other a lot and get along very well.

And yet, I constantly have doubts. Every two or three months, I have doubts about our relationship. Either my doubts are sexual (that our sexual life isn't as great as it used to be or that I'm not interested in it anymore) or I'm concerned that he isn't "the one" or I'm concerned that maybe I ought to have dated more before committing to one person. Sometimes I feel as if he is too emotionally needy and doesn't give me enough space. (He's gotten better at that and doesn't get as upset as he used to when we can't hang out.) It annoys me that he's more emotionally needy than I am -- it makes me feel like he's not masculine enough. Moreover, I am currently in India, visiting my parents, and although he says he misses me like crazy, I've had uneven feelings. On the plane ride over, I was in tears over leaving him behind. Then for the first week I was in India, I didn't think of him much at all. Then I started to miss him a little. Then we considered breaking up and I feel that doing so would be the biggest mistake ever.

We've almost broken up several times, nearly once every three or four months. Then we always pull back because we feel as if we don't have any legitimate reason to end it. Then we have another great four months before I start feeling it won't work. I'm a worry wart in general.

Prior to dating this man, I was briefly involved with another man, who was a friend. After a brief sexual involvement, he cut me off and then began to see another woman who happened to be an acquaintance of mine. I felt (and still feel) hurt and betrayed by that experience. Is this the reason why I'm pushing away my current partner, even though he's fantastic in every way? Can my relationship be saved?

I hope you can help,

M

(Well. This is a nice break from all the foundation brush talk, no?)

(Eeeek.)

Really, I think your entire letter boils down to this one sentence: We always pull back because we feel as if we don't have any legitimate reason to end it.

Point one, I think it would be much, much better to stay together because you have legitimate reasons for WANTING TO BE TOGETHER. Not because you aren't sure if your reasons for not being completely happy with him are the right reasons.

Point two, you named some very legitimate reasons for why you aren't completely happy with him. They may not be everybody's reasons for wanting out of a relationship, but they are yours, and I don't think you should doubt yourself so much. Leave all the crap about past relationships and your "worry wart" characterization of yourself aside and re-read what you've typed here.

You aren't interested in sex. You feel smothered. You aren't sure you're ready for a long-term commitment (and I am guessing he is?). You didn't miss him all that much in India. You just aren't sure if he's the right guy for you, but you're maybe a little too afraid of being hurt again to be single.

Those are legitimate reasons for re-examining this "paper perfect" relationship. Are they the be-all end-all nails in the relationship coffin? Maybe not. You're the only one who can make that call. Maybe you guys need an honest-to-God break to see if it really IS the worst mistake ever. Maybe by giving yourself permission to admit that things aren't perfect, and that you aren't being unreasonable for not being as into him as you feel you "should" be, you'll be able to be more honest with him and work through some things.

I mean, “almost breaking up every three or four months” doesn’t sound so good, even on paper, if you know what I mean.

Dear Amalah:

I have a very serious question for you that I think only you can answer. What’s up with eyelash curlers?? I have fairly long, blonde, straight eyelashes. I used mascara for color, but a friend recently (okay, like 3 years ago) suggested I try an eyelash curler to "open up" my eyes more. I tried one, but I didn't notice any difference. Do my lashes not curl? Am I a big dork (probably) and didn't use it correctly? What do you think of eyelash curlers? How is one supposed to use it?

Thanks much!

Kathy

Curler

Curling your eyelashes creates a subtle difference, but the difference is there. So it’s highly likely you just did it wrong (to be fair, it takes some practice).

You want to clamp the curler around the base of your lashes, as close as possible to your eyelid. Clamp down and hold it closed for about five seconds. If you feel any pinching or pain, open it and move it a noodge away from your eyelid – while an eyelash curler does kind of resemble a scary old-tymey gynecological tool, curling your lashes should be completely painless.

Make sure you open the curler all the way before pulling it away from your eye. If you don’t notice any difference, repeat for another five seconds, maybe trying to get a little closer to the base of your lashes. A cool trick I learned was to hit the curler with a blow-dryer on low for a couple seconds to warm it slightly.

After you get your lashes pointing up, you can create a more defined curl by using the curler two more times – once in the middle of your lashes and then once near the ends.

Apply your mascara after curling, and you’re done! Well, you’re done after you wash your curler all properly to get any shadow or liner smudges off, and who knows what else. (EYELASH BUGS. THAT’S WHAT ELSE.)

Dearest Amalah,

My oldest son is going to turn three next month. He loves “Thomas the Tank Engine” more than life itself. He received a few “Thomas” items at Christmas last year, and he rarely plays with anything else. My husband and I have not been buying him more toys, because (1) we are not made of money and (2) he always receives so many gifts on his birthday that we don’t have to buy him anything.

My younger sister suggested I register for gifts at Target or some such place so people can buy him the specific “Thomas” toys, and not get him something he already has. I apparently am not much of an etiquette aficionado; would this be a tacky thing to do, or a smart thing to do? Will people open his little “Thomas” birthday invitation and shriek in horror at my audacity?

Thank you for your help!

Sincerely,
Robyn

Well, I would shriek in horror, I can tell you that.

This registering business? Is OUT OF HAND. You do not register for a child’s birthday party. You do not register for your own birthday party. Housewarmings, anniversaries, successful LASIK surgery parties, what's next? Weddings and new babies remain the only instances that registering is honest-to-God acceptable and (these days, anyway) expected. (Although the etiquette jury is still out on whether it’s rude to include a registry card with your invitations to showers and weddings. I didn’t for my wedding while my friends printed my registry number on my baby shower invites, which actually struck me as fairly ew. But I was enormously pregnant and tired and cranky, so blah.)
Gift_card

Registering assumes two things about your guests:

1) That they will definitely, 100% buy you a gift, and
2) That they are too stupid to pick out the right gift.

I won’t get into the many lamentable things about these assumptions – the idea that we all feel so damn entitled to gifts these days that we also demand the RIGHT gifts, and the loss of any personal touch or thought in regards to gift-giving. Because registering, done right, does work for everyone. I get the invite; I go to Crate & Barrel; I go to the computer; I buy some nice casserole dishes. The store wraps them up and I don’t have to second-guess my choice. And the happy couple can hopefully avoid getting something like that hideous fish-shaped serving platter that we were given. Twice.

But I won’t get into all that! Because none of that applies to a child’s birthday party. Send out Thomas-themed invites. Provide a phone number and an email address to RSVP to. If parents ask for gift ideas (and many of them will), be gracious and feel free to make some specific suggestions. They might ignore your suggestions. They might give your son something that you’ll later return. It’s not the end of the world.

And by teaching your son at an early age to say THANK YOU for every gift, no matter what it is, you’ll be cementing the idea that throwing a party is more about the guests and making them feel comfortable and appreciated than it is about ripping into that sweet, sweet pile of loot.

And that, right there, is the cornerstone of good etiquette, no matter what the dilemma.

Dear Amalah,

I have a 9 year old daughter and an 8 year old stepdaughter. The girls are already 'budding' and starting to get acne - a surprise to me who didn't get her 1st period or any sign of breasts till I was 13! I struggled for most of my teenage years with acne and blackheads (ugh). Now that I am 30 (does age have anything to so with it?) & with the help of my favorite Estee Lauder rep, I have found a cleanser & moisturizer that works great for my skin type.

Knowing that both parents had oily acne covered faces in high school - don't we sound like a goodlookin' couple! My question is: without breaking the bank, what should the girls be using for their skin? If it helps, both girls are extremely fair with white/blonde hair. We live in semi-arid desert so they are both slathered daily with sunblock, clogging their cute little faces with beach sand and oil......

Thanks for your help!

Sarah

Cop-out time! Yaaay!

Children with acne should be seen by a doctor before starting any type of treatment. While you’re probably right that it’s just a raw deal in the genetics department, you really really (really) should get their acne classified by a doctor (a dermatologist or general practitioner) first. Is it comedonal? Inflammatory? Nodulocystic?

(I just blew your mind there, with my mad doctory-science knowledge, didn’t I?)

The most common treatment for acne is benzoyl peroxide, found in over-the-counter stuff like Clearasil or Clean& Clear's Persa-Gel. A doctor might recommend a prescription-strength version or Retin-A or even antibiotics (like Tetracycline), depending on how bad your girls’ skin gets.

So what can YOU do, besides getting them to a doctor? (Seriously: cannot stress that enough. I didn’t get seen for acne until I was in high school, and learned that a month of Retin-A could have prevented YEARS of shame and woe.) Well, you can teach them the basics of proper skincare:

1) DO keep your hands away from your face.

2) DO wash your face GENTLY, twice a day. DON’T scrub – scrubbing will just overdry and irritate your skin, but it WON’T make your zits clear up any sooner. You can't go too wrong with good old-fashioned Noxema. (Although if your doctor DOES recommend a prescription treatment, use a very mild facial cleanser like Dove or Cetaphil to balance out the medicine.)

3) DON’T pop or pick at pimples.

4) DO wear sunscreen everyday – preferably something non-comedogenic and made just for faces.

5) DON’T go nuts with the harsh toners and scrubs. Acne is hormonal, blackheads are pigment and trying to go all nuclear on getting “dirt” out of your pores will just make a big hot mess of things.

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Comments (12):

Zoot said:

Dear amalah - thank you for setting the record straight regarding registries. Amen. Hallelujah. Right On.

Also? One cool idea I heard one time that I totally did for my sons FIRST birthday but never again because I'm lazy? Send thank-you cards for gifts along with pictures of your child WITH the gift. How cute is that?

Yeah. So cute I only did it one year. But still! Every year I have the intention to do it again! I swear!

Posted on August 23, 2006 09:37

mdvelazquez said:

Ditto what Zoot said. That zealous registering is T-A-C-K-Y in MHO!! Registering for weddings and babies don't bother me, even though I refused to register when I got married because I have issues about asking for things and accpeting gifts graciously.

Zoot, that is a wonderful thank you idea.

Posted on August 23, 2006 09:51

Anne Glamore said:

Zoot- that IS a great idea. I don't think I could manage it for anyone other than grandparents but still- cute!

And acne: I about fell out when my 10 yr old started showing signs. And I'm almost 40 and still fighting the battle,along with wrinkles. We're going to the doc, STAT! You've convinced me we can't do it alone. (Also, I can just look in the mirror).

Posted on August 23, 2006 10:10

mrs.cpa said:

Weddings, Baby showers, birthday, housewarmings are not gift grabs. Thank you for pointing that out. I wish more people got it.

I got so many comments about how I needed to add things to my baby registery so that people could have more stuff to buy me. Or register for a pack n play, even if you don't want one so people will give you gift cards. It's not about the presents, it's about the cake, no wait, the guests.

And do not put the registery information on invitations or with a card insert. Just because a store offers them to you, does not mean you need you use them. When people RSVP (which is another can of etiquette worms) is when they ask where you are registered, and you can go online and search at the usual suspects easily anyway.

Posted on August 23, 2006 10:41

AmyW said:

For the 21yr old in DC--This is just my opinion, but I would date other men. If you have any doubts in your mind about your current fellow--he is not the one. Don't settle. You mentioned traits that may or may not change. If you ignore the traits that annoy/worry you you will probably blow-up on him every now and again. Sounds like your true opinion of him is he is a nice guy..but is not the man for you. When you find the right man you will be 100% sure.

Posted on August 23, 2006 10:46

Isabel said:

Amalah, as always...love the Smackdown.

I also love the free compact you get when you buy a gift card at Sephora. They gave me one for myself and one for the person the card was for. How awesome is that? (it's very awesome.)

I think I need to dig my eyelash curler out of the back of the vanity and try it again. Sounds like I was using it wrong all those years. Good to know...

Posted on August 23, 2006 11:24

mdvelazquez said:

Oh yes, Mrs. CPA. I hosted a baby shower for a friend and only received two RSVPs. Sixty people attended. Rude, very, very rude!

Posted on August 23, 2006 11:31

queenann said:

About youngsters with acne- I am very blonde & fair w/ sensitive skin and started getting oil & cystic acne at 10!!! Amy is absolutely right about going to a dermatologist- I have NO acne scars and get complemented on my skin all the time. It is worth the initial investment (although it can often be covered by insurance) when you think about the lifetime of products to purchase!

Posted on August 23, 2006 12:04

robin m said:

Acne.org has a great, inexpensive regimen that I wish I would have started using when I was a pre-teen.

I did go to the dermatologist for years but I do have scarring :(.

Posted on August 23, 2006 12:58

kentucky_kitty said:

Great! Now I'm going to be laughing about "old-tymey gynecological tool" for the rest of the day! :)

Posted on August 24, 2006 11:22

anony_miss said:

Re: skincare. Completely seconding the derm route. Also, there's a lot of books on skin conditions out there. Perhaps doing some research will also help you be more educated on which ingredients and products you should be using, as well as what factors in your daughter's lives are contributing to it (um, hormones going crazy). Also, OIL-FREE sunscreen and other facial care products.

Posted on August 24, 2006 11:30

kalisah said:

When I read ahead on the eyelash curler entry (I can't help it) and saw "Eyelash bugs" I thought you were going to give a big warning about not putting your mascara on until AFTER you curl your lashes so you don't get those big spider-leg lashes. But then I remembered you weren't a teenager in the mid-80s. I'm not even sure if you were born in the mid-80s.

Posted on August 24, 2006 21:36

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Amalah is a pseudonym of Amy Corbett Storch. A Washington D.C.-based freelance writer. The Smackdown is published on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. You can follow Amy's daily mothering adventures at www.amalah.com. Also, it's pronounced AIM-ah-lah.

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