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Baby Bottle Wars

Published 03.26.2009 | Permanent Link | Comments (36)

dr_browns.jpg

Hi. We're Dr. Brown's bottles. We're the bottles your first baby loved. We're the bottles that solved all your problems. We're the bottles that changed your life. Because of that, we're the bottles you decreed as The Greatest Bottles In All The Land to everybody. You bought us for your friends, you arm-wrestled Avents out of expectant mothers at the store. You bought approximately 347 of the new-and-improved BPA-free version of us the minute you got pregnant again.

We're also the bottles that your second baby hates with a burning hot passion. So now you're up to your eyeballs in us, with all our extra little inner pieces that need to be washed and assembled and you're always missing one part and you realize that we're kind of a pain after all, especially since apparently babies are DIFFERENT and STUFF and now you finally sort of get why none of your friends invite you to baby showers anymore.

adiri_natural_nurser.jpg

Hi. I'm the Adiri Natural Nurser. I look like a boob. I cost $12.50 a pop. But when your boobs are killing you and you need a break and your baby won't take a bottle without gagging and puking it all back up and you start sobbing because oh, my God, you'll never have a meal of chicken nuggets and fancy wine in peace again, I start looking PRETTY DARN GOOD PRETTY DARN FAST.

Of course, just when you finally got comfortable with breastfeeding in front of your father-in-law, I come along and make things all awkward again. I mean, LOOK AT ME.

peirced_adiri.jpg

(This was me, back in college.)

babylife_bottle.jpg

Hi. I'm the Babylife WeeGo. I'm a BPA-free glass bottle with a BPA-free silicone sleeve and did I mention that I am 100% BPA-free? Which, you know, should be a given, since I am made of GLASS. And not, you know, PLASTIC. But I'm still gonna slap that BPA-free label all over the place because I think some of you might not really understand the whole BPA thing.

Coming soon! Chlorine-free baby food! Unbleached formula! Gluten-free diapers!

munchkin_bottle.jpg

Hi. I'm the Munchkin Mighty Grip. I'm another BPA! FREE! GLASS! BOTTLE! I also feature some killer curves and make it easy for your five-month-old to hold onto me all by himself because he is a goddamn genius baby, look at that! Look! Honey! Get the camera! Oh, wait. He dropped it. Whatever. He's still totally brilliant.

But the bottle didn't break. Score for the Mighty Grip!

munchkin_mighty_grip_sleeve.jpg

But, please also consider this entry to be my official application to be on the next season of RuPaul's Drag Race. Dang, but I am fabulous.

medela.jpg

Hi. So. Yeah. I'm a Medela bottle. I don't think I even have a fancy name or anything. I'm just the one that came with your breast pump. At one time, that was enough for you people. I was THERE. I was THERE and I was BASIC and I WORKED but now all you want are fancy shapes and colors and patented vented nipple designs and I get blamed for your baby spitting up but I have news for you missy, BABIES SPIT UP. That WASN'T MY FAULT. Yes, I AM BITTER. Look, I'm not even CLEAN. What the HELL.

medela_and_sample.jpg

Girl. Please. I'm the free sample that came in the hospital diaper bag. You think anybody ever thinks to use ME anymore? I'm as BPA-free as any of you bitches but ooooh, nobody wants to use some random plastic bottle with a boring old non-patented nipple design and you know there were actually two of us once? The other one melted in the dishwasher because apparently it was too much for someone to read the care instructions that clearly stated TOP RACK ONLY, but whatever, she can keep her expensive designer boob bottles, I'm gonna go hit the bar and top off with 4 ounces of vodka, you wanna come?

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Comments (36):

Mrs. Flinger said:

Me and generic bottle chic are TIGHT. 4oz vodka and so nondescript it's pathetic.

Also whorishly free.

Posted on March 26, 2009 11:15

Anonymous said:

Shit is hilarious.

Posted on March 26, 2009 11:25

Emily said:

Ha! I am especially crazy about the nipple ring photo. You are totally hilarz.

Also, does anyone else feel kind of taunted by the boob-shaped bottles? Like, hey, my boobs used to look like that...BEFORE I WAS PREGNANT. (Minus the inch-long nipples of course.) Oh, the irony.

Posted on March 26, 2009 11:33

kr said:

You have WAY too much money .. honestly, why on earth would you even think to spend so much on so many different types when honestly the bottle thing is only good for a year .. and please, have you ever heard of good old Gerber bottles.. cheap, $8 for a pack of three!

________
Editor: this was funded by Alpha Mom for editorial purposes. one was sent by a PR company for product review, which this is. so, there.

Posted on March 26, 2009 11:51

OldWestMom said:

ha! Too funny! I'll never look at bottles the same way again.

I was a Doc Brown momma. Curse all those little pieces...and that crazy little pipe cleaner. Heaven forbid you misplace that tiny little thing.

Posted on March 26, 2009 12:20

Diane said:

When I saw the title I so hoped it would be like the deodorant posts. I heart you thiiiiiiis much!

Posted on March 26, 2009 13:32

Fawn True said:

OMFG...I am dying at the nipple ring pic. Holy crap.

It's been, oh, five years since I got to stop worrying about bottles (YAY!) but when my kids were little, all they would take in lieu of the almighty breast were playtex nursers, which i used with the drop-ins because, well, I'm lazy. Now I have visions of my kids hair falling out or something because I loaded them up with BPA. WTF? I hate technology sometimes.

Posted on March 26, 2009 13:33

Catherine S said:

My baby also hates the 12,ooo,ooo doc brown's bottles that were supposed to be the best thing ever. Loves the $2.99 for three gerber old school deals. Free or cheap = great. Yay for free or cheap!!!

Posted on March 26, 2009 13:54

Catherine S said:

Also, this post is freakin hysterical.

Posted on March 26, 2009 13:56

EdenSky said:

Hilarious and oh so true!
Up here in Canada it's not enough to be concerned about BPA, we made it flat out illegal! Which was cool because I got to take all my old bottles, with which I (apparently) poisoned my first-born, back and trade them in for all the new fancy ones, score! But then, of course my second baby didn't like the fancy ones and ended up using the playtex nursers with the plastic bags (BPA free!!!!)

Posted on March 26, 2009 14:43

Linda said:

And this is why I refuse to add any sort of bottle to my gift registry. Whatever I buy, it will hate.

Posted on March 26, 2009 15:04

Mouse said:

We're going to have to experiment for baby #2, as we recently got rid of all our Avent, chock-full-of-BPA bottles. Not that our son ever drank from a bottle. Straight from boob to sippy cup.

But I could totally see ending up with a collection like this. A bottle here, a bottle there, desperately pleading with the baby, "What do you want?"

Posted on March 26, 2009 15:38

Jennie said:

Hilarious! I use Avent bottles, but they leak a lot and it's so annoying. However, I've stuck with them because they are simple and don't have a bunch of little parts. I hated that about Playtex. Anyway, I really just wanted to say this is so funny, because it's true!

Posted on March 26, 2009 15:53

Lulu said:

Uuuhh... I don't have kids. I just come over here to see what shiz Amalah writes. I'm scared by the boob looking bottle. Thanks for the nightmares.

**Attack of the childless wonder on the mommy site??? Eeekk!

Posted on March 26, 2009 16:02

SarahE said:

Okay, as one of the three mamas that ran Adiri for years I gotta say...this is the best bottle post I've ever seen, and I'm STOKED to see Adiri sporting a nipple ring. We DO rock the house, and with two of us together we make quite a rack.

Posted on March 26, 2009 16:11

Joy said:

Thank you so much for this!! I needed a good laugh today!!!! Although I'm a little afraid of how your mind works now. Nipple ring? ROFLMAO!

Posted on March 26, 2009 16:15

Jackie said:

I bought bottles for my son back in February/March 08 when BPA was all "BAD, we should all be dead by now" but you couldn't get a BPA free bottle at any store. I ordered some expensive, too many pieces, BPA-free kind online in bulk and was unbelievably lucky that my son didn't care. To this day he doesn't care about the container as long as the good stuff is in it....well except if given the choice between Mom and bottle then he will protest.

This is a great post...I'm a big fan of the "Deodorant Wars"!

Posted on March 26, 2009 16:23

Lauren said:

I just inhaled and then choked on my tea because of the nipple ring photo. LMAO

Posted on March 26, 2009 16:27

Elizabeth said:

Amy, if you ever need to do a BPA-riffic version of this, come to my house. I had a bottle-hating kid and we tried every bottle made, which now sit in a bin in the closet, too expensive to pitch, too BPA-laden to donate.

Baby #2 is getting on board with the cheap Gerber glass bottles, or it's going back where it came from. Oh wait.

Posted on March 26, 2009 16:30

Shannon said:

Laughing so hard at the BPA FREE! BPA FREE! FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY I AM BPA FREEEEE!!!! And gluten-free diapers??? Love it! :)

Posted on March 26, 2009 16:53

Redd said:

You never cease to bring me to the verge of wetting myself!

Posted on March 26, 2009 17:27

class factotum said:

Are gluten-free diapers like fat-free pot?

Posted on March 26, 2009 17:50

Someone Being Me said:

Gah, now I have a small glimmer of hope that my next baby might use one of the 50,000 bottle types my first born turned his nose up at. Because he would only use the Munchkin tri-flow bottles that are not sold in any stores here and must be purchased online. I have no less than 50 bottles in various brands, shapes and sizes hanging out in the closet waiting for number #2 to arrive in 18 days and turn his nose up at all of them.

Posted on March 26, 2009 18:21

Professional Critic said:

I so do not even have a baby and that was hilarious. I see your gluten free diapers and raise you one fat free gum.

Posted on March 26, 2009 18:38

Shauna said:

My 4th will only even CONSIDER the Adiri. I am not a shy person, however, I am more embarrassed about bringing out the big giant fake boob bottle than nursing in public. Someone should invent a Hooter Hider for those bottles. But they do rock! I may color in the nipple for authenticity.

Posted on March 26, 2009 18:45

Rachel said:

Hmmmm. I suspect I should be locked up for using the regular Advent bottles throughout both of my girls (now 3.5 and 20 months)bottle using periods, with the addition of some Soothies (also not BPA-free)as the Advent ones disintegrated.

Also, apparently it was you who once accosted me at Babies R Us, preaching the wonders of Dr. Brown, but I have a fear of small pieces. And work.

Posted on March 26, 2009 20:47

Erin said:

Ever since I had my baby, I have wondered WHY they don't make different sized nipples. My nipples are no where near the size of the bottle and it was just mean to my new baby to tease her with those giant nipples that just hit the spot. I am not saying a boob-shaped bottle (I came here just to see that) but there should definately be different sized bottle nipples to make it easier for babies to go back and forth!

Posted on March 26, 2009 23:15

Jen L. said:

Ok, the nipple ring almost made me piddle on myself. Bravo! A great (and VERY accurate) review!

Posted on March 27, 2009 08:39

Olivia said:

I hope my baby will accept the bottles that came with my breast pump because I'm scared to have to go the millions of bottle choices.

Posted on March 27, 2009 09:45

Karen said:

I have to admit I LOVED the Dr. Brown bottles. My husband thought I was crazy to ditch the Avent ones that we'd used for two babies (who also had acid reflux, DOH) for the Dr Brown. After one feeding with Dr. Brown, he turned to me and said, "Oh my gosh, these are MIRACLE BOTTLES."

I wonder if we'd had them with the first two, would we have avoided the monstrous Gas Bubbles of Doom and the Puke Fountains of Hell?

Best not to dwell on it.

Posted on March 27, 2009 13:53

Susan said:

Kr- Those cheap gerber bottles are the only ones my baby would use. Good thing too since I have two dogs that love to distroy bottles. And Gerber even sent me free stuff when I wrote to them and told that my horrible dogs ate them!!

Posted on March 27, 2009 14:12

Karla said:

Several posters have referenced "deodorant wars." Sounds like a fun read, but a site search didn't turn up anything like this. Could someone please post a link? Thanks! And thanks to Amalah for the bottle wars--hilare!

Posted on March 27, 2009 19:01

Barbara said:

Yeah, my 3rd baby would have none of this designer baby bottle shit. One day, out of shear need to rest my nipples from the spawn of "Jaws", I bought a $.98 gerber w/ rubber nipple. Lo! The babe adored it! Wouldn't even take a damn sippy cup and went straight to the cup at 15mos b/c I didn't want her to get Suri Cruised with the judgey judgement going on about bottles. 98 cents bitches. Live it, love it and feed it with cereal mixed in.

Posted on March 28, 2009 13:01

Catie said:

Oh my god. Amalah, you are hilarious.

Also, I don't have children yet and OH MY GOD THEY ONLY LIKE CERTAIN BOTTLES WHAT THE CRAP? THIS SOUNDS SO TERRIFYING!

Posted on March 29, 2009 13:12

Gillian said:

Oh,kr. I do hope you are in your fifties or living like a nun. Because scornful mom-choice criticism is the lightning rod for a baby who makes you weep in remorse. The infant who will only drink from an eyedropper while Mozart is played and a vanilla scented candle burns looms.

Posted on March 29, 2009 16:15

Jennifer said:

Oh, but you forgot about the First Years BreastFlow bottle that simulates the Boob! And Nursing! And is very Breastfeedy! My baby LOVED that bottle...until about a month ago when he decided as a 6-month old, he is way too old for that and has now decided that Avent is the only way to go. Blah.

I also bought the 8 million dollar Adiri bottles... which I hate. With a passion. I can never pour the milk in the bottle without it leaking from one of the ends. Just way to complicated for me.

My baby hated the Dr. Browns ones too... and I also have about 27 of them in my bottle drawer.
:-(

Posted on March 30, 2009 12:25

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About

Amalah is a pseudonym of Amy Corbett Storch. A Washington D.C.-based freelance writer. The Smackdown is published on Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays. You can follow Amy's daily mothering adventures at www.amalah.com. Also, it's pronounced AIM-ah-lah.

Amy also documented her second pregnancy in a Weekly Pregnancy Calendar, Zero to Forty.

Amy is mother to delicious preschooler Noah and baby Ezra. NomNomNom.

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