Advice Smackdowntag:www.alphamom.com,2009:/smackdown//82009-11-06T14:10:48ZMovable Type 3.33In Search of One-Stop Laundrytag:www.alphamom.com,2009:/smackdown//8.26462009-11-06T08:34:59Z2009-11-06T14:10:48ZThe quest for a detergent that does it all: from cloth diapers to sensitive skin to regular ol' stubborn stains.Amyhttp://alphamom.com/smackdown
Oh All Knowing One of Everything Awesome:
I have a question regarding laundry detergent, sensitive skin, and cloth diapers.
We currently use Tide for our laundry. However, my 7 year-old stepdaughter has eczema and sensitive skin, and I'm looking for ways to try to reduce irritation to her skin. I'm thinking that whatever they use to turn our current detergent blue isn't the best for her skin-or anyone's, for that matter. I'm not really buying into the Tide Free thing either -- you're going to charge me more for you to OMIT an ingredient in your product, and you're still not really that natural or sensitive?
I'm also 17 weeks pregnant (yay babies!), and hoping to cloth diaper the newest addition to our family. I've seen a few mentions by you and some of your commenters on recommended detergents in which to wash cloth diapers.
I'm hoping you are able to recommend a detergent that will work for both sensitive skin AND cloth diapering. I don't especially want to fill my already crowded laundry room with more bottles, so if I could find an all-in-one, it would be awesome.
Thanks for all your awesome advice!
Dawn
Charlie's Soap.
Done! And done. And I'm gonna go get some Halloween candy now, okay?
Haaa. Just kidding. But not really.
Noah has really, really sensitive skin. It's gotten better as he's gotten older (it's more "dry" now as opposed to Eczema OMG Chunks Of His Arm Skin Are Falling Off), but it's something we have a ton of frustrating experience with, particularly finding a detergent that doesn't irritate things further. We did All Free & Clear for awhile, then Seventh Generation, then Method, and while they were all serviceable (but pricey!) detergents and didn't seem to bother Noah's skin (provided we went with Fragrance Free versions), once we added cloth diapers into the mix, things got tricky.
Even the "free & clear" detergents (and a lot of brands being marketed as "green" and "natural") still have brightening agents in them, which are designed to leave residue on your clothing. Brightening residue! To make your clothes look brighter! Or something. You know what? No thanks. How about this: I wash my clothes and rinse them, and during this magical "rinsing" process, all remnants and residue of my detergent are similarly rinsed away.
Apparently, this is asking a LOT from the average detergent on the shelves of your grocery store and Target and Wal-Mart. I tried. I printed out lists of the top recommended detergents from various cloth diaper sites, hoping to find something that I could just BUY instead of special-ordering. Because I really didn't want detergent to be a Thing, like you. I didn't want extra bottles, each for a specific person or type of laundry. But I also was resistant to the idea of having to order something online and pay for shipping and we're out of detergent and it can't get her for five to seven business days OH CRAP.
So for awhile I used not-super-great detergents on my diapers. Several different kinds of free & clear stuff, Sun & Earth, brands that generally got a "good" to "OK" rating on the cloth diaper sites. And sure enough, six months in, the diapers started to STINK. I'd open the dryer and get hit with a bad, stale urine smell. Then! They started to repel. Which is a nice way of saying "leak." Basically, everything that I'd been warned about in regards to detergents came true. Clearly, I am VERY SMART.
So I went online and ordered a bag of Charlie's Soap Powder, as it's one of the most universally recommended brands for cloth diapers. $15 for an 80-load bag at Amazon (buying two bags qualifies you for free shipping) comes to about 18 cents a load, compared to 26 cents a load for a comparable truly "green" detergent like Seventh Generation. PLUS, you actually don't use a full scoop or load's worth for diapers. You use maybe about half, if that, if you're doing a biiiiig stinky load. Thus an 80-load bag will actually wash about 160 loads of diapers. (We have an ancient top-loaders, but Charlie's is He-compatible as well.)
ANYWAY, long story short, we now use Charlie's Soap Powder">Charlie's Soap Powder exclusively, for all of our laundry. It is The Awesome. No fragrance, no residue, no build-up, no skin irritation. Our clothes just smell CLEAN. Like, CLEAN FABRIC. It's crazy that I'd actually forgotten what that smelled like, after years of Spring Meadow Blossom Breeze or whatever the hell. My husband (who also has severe problems with winter dry skin and fragrance irritation) is absolutely in love with it, and definitely thinks it's worth the little extra hassle of ordering vs. buying at Target. Luckily, since one bag lasts so long, even with full-time use, we're actually not buying detergent nearly as often as we used to, so remembering to re-order is not the Big Thing I feared it would be.
So, while Charlie's Soap has worked terrifically for us, you DO probably want to just start off slowly, with one bag, just in case. The instructions recommend sending a scoop through an empty wash cycle or two just to thoroughly rinse away any remnants of your old detergent. Then try it out on some of your stepdaughter's clothes -- Charlie's is recommended specifically for sensitive/eczema-prone skin AND infants' laundry, but of course that's no guarantee that NO ONE out there will have a reaction to it.
(I must also add how thoroughly charmed I am by the packaging of Charlie's -- it comes in a plain fabric sack, like something you pick up at a old timey general store, and on the topic of fragrance, the bag simply says: You want flowers, go pick some. HA!)
More Cloth Diaper Articles:
1) Cloth Diapering 101, Part One (aka Lazy Mom's Guide to Cloth Diapering)
2) Cloth Diapering 101, Part Two
3) Cloth Diapering 101, Part Three
4) The Straight Poop on Cloth Diapers (aka dealing with poop)
5) Cloth Diapering & The Older Baby
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How to Care for Satin Shoestag:www.alphamom.com,2009:/smackdown//8.26312009-11-02T14:04:28Z2009-11-02T15:56:35ZUber-delicate fabrics on shoes. That you wear on your feet. To walk in. This is a terrible (but oh, so pretty) idea.Amyhttp://alphamom.com/smackdownPhoto by Perfecto InsectoHey Amalah!
I've got an easy one for you, I hope. I've done my Googling but have just found a lot of home remedies with no real consistent suggestion.
So: how do I care for satin shoes? I just bought flats today (these) and would really like it if they didn't go the way of my last black fabric flats, which is totally smudged and dull. These are cute and nice and I'd like them to stay that way for a while.
Thanks a million!
Molly
It's been awhile since I owned any satin shoes that were not of the bridesmaid variety, but I AM coveting -- deeply, painfully coveting -- a pair of dove gray satin flats I saw a girl on the Metro wearing yesterday and I MUST OWN THEM RIGHT THIS SECOND, so let's get this question over and done with so I can go scour Zappos for something similar.
The worst thing to use on satin shoes is water, since even slightly hard water can leave stains. I'm leery of even the slightest damp spot treatment, since some satin fabrics contain silk or acetate. Other satins are washable -- rayon, polyester, cotton, nylon -- and thus aren't so sensitive to water. And others are a blend of one washable fiber and one non-washable. Most satin clothing will give you the specific fiber breakdown and care instructions, but I'm guessing your shoes are simply labeled something super-helpful like "Fabric Upper."
Thus, Scotchgard those suckers, particularly if you ever intend to like, WEAR the shoes outside of your house. Just a bottle of the regular upholstery spray stuff is fine -- it's safe to use on any of the fiber possibilities that could make up your shoes, from silk to polyester.
If you opt not to Scotchgard OR something still happens to them, like getting caught in a sudden torrential rainstorm and spontaneous mud puddles, get them dry cleaned. Yes, you can totally dry clean shoes. Some places won't, but many will -- I generally look for a cleaner that also has a cobbler/shoe repair service, since it makes sense in my head that they must dry-clean shoes at least somewhat regularly.
For small scuffs (and this might save your older fabric shoes), I'd try a pencil eraser (or one of those thingies meant for suede) and a lint-free fabric cloth (NO PAPER TOWELS). The eraser will help with the scuff, then buffing with the fabric should get rid of any colored residue left behind by the eraser. And again, unless you know that there isn't any acetate or silk in the fabric, don't use water. Send them to the cleaners if you can't get the marks or stains off.
If you cannot find a cleaner who does shoes (or wants to charge you for more than the shoes cost), buy a Dryel at-home dry-cleaning kit and VERY VERY CAUTIOUSLY, on a small and as-inconspicuous-as-possible spot, try the stain remover and blotting cloth that comes with it. Then dry it with a hair dryer set to low. If it works and doesn't leave a watermark-like stain, go ahead and use it as your go-to cleaner. ]]>
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Pre-Baby Bucket Listtag:www.alphamom.com,2009:/smackdown//8.26322009-10-30T05:39:50Z2009-11-02T15:59:01ZEnjoying your last year, months, or days of pre-baby freedom.Amyhttp://alphamom.com/smackdownPhoto by nattuAloha Amalah!
I have a bit of an abstract question and I couldn't think of anyone better on the whole wide Internet to answer it. My husband and I have been talking babies lately, and we have decided to wait one more year before we um, lower our defenses and cross our fingers for conception. My question to you is, what should a (somewhat) hip young couple such as ourselves do in this final year? We know that having a baby will turn our world upside down, and we want to take full advantage of our last foreseeable year of two incomes, adult beverages, privacy, not having a human life utterly dependent upon us, etc. What should be on our pre-baby bucket list?
Thank you for being the ruler of all that is advice-y and smack-y and down-y!
Not a Girl, Not Yet a Mama
I don't know if you've gotten the brochure yet, but there's now a huge segment of the travel industry dedicated to pushing "babymoons" on expectant couples. The idea being you get one last vacation in as a couple before the baby arrives. It's a good idea, honestly -- we did it, when I was pregnant with Noah -- except for the small detail of GOING ON VACATION WHILE YOU ARE PREGNANT.
You can't drink, you can't eat a good half of stuff on the menu, either because of mercury/listeria/nausea concerns, you have to pee all the time and take naps and activities are restricted and -- if you're like me -- your belly completely pops while you're there and you end up outgrowing everything in your luggage by day five.
So! Guess what my first Bucket List item is. No really, go on.
Yeah, take a nice vacation. Get that dream destination checked off your list -- the one that involves a plane ride that no toddler would ever put up with, to the no-kids-allowed resort or the backpacking expedition across Southeast Asia or the wine tour of Italy.
Once that's done with, let's move on to the smaller, at-home stuff:
Sleep in on the weekends. Take turns making each other breakfast in bed every Sunday. Subscribe to the Sunday newspaper just to enjoy the luxury of reading the whole damn thing. Eat brunch.
Stay up late. Watch The Daily Show and Colbert Report -- live, instead of TiVo'd. Go to at least one ridiculously stupid nightclub with bad drinks and cheesy music and realize that you won't miss it. See movies in the theater. Go to a concert, a play, a musical, the opera. Visit a vineyard for a wine tasting. Eat at each of the top 10 best restaurants in your city and promise each other that you'll eat at them again, even after you have a kid.
Take up a hobby, as a couple. Bike riding, geocaching, cooking, museums, something that can span the before/after segments of your life and be something that you one day do as a threesome.
Declutter your house. A baby will bring in all kinds of junk and crap and mess with your decision-making abilities. (My husband hasn't thrown a single blessed thing out in five years. Watch for him on a 2032 episode of Hoarders.) Get everything you own organized and labeled and accounted for. Make a trip to your parents' homes and go through any saved childhood toys together. Get sappy over the idea of your own baby playing with his Matchbox cars or your favorite doll.
Make doctors' appointments and keep them. Physical, dentist, dermatologist. These get weirdly difficult to make happen and easy to ignore in between all the pediatrician visits. Lose any extra pounds and take extra folic acid. Take sick days when you are sick. Use personal days to play hooky and do something fun and crazy together, like a day trip to New York or renting a hotel room right in your town.
And then while in that hotel room, flush your Pills down the toilet and get ready for life to get EVEN BETTER.]]>
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Baby Spacing Bluestag:www.alphamom.com,2009:/smackdown//8.26262009-10-26T14:26:06Z2009-10-27T16:59:58ZI want another baby, but my husband doesn't. Amyhttp://alphamom.com/smackdownPhoto by (nutmeg)Hi Amy,
I am such a fan of your writing--your blog and columns are always good for a pick-me-up. I am writing because I have a situation that I just don't know how to resolve. I want to have a second baby, and my husband doesn't. Our daughter is 18 months old, and I've started feeling the urge to get pregnant again. My husband has said he'd be willing to compromise and have another baby in, say, 4 years. But here's the thing. I'm already 34, and conceiving our daughter took a year and a half. So waiting 4 years to start trying for #2 just seems crazy to me. I'm feeling stuck. Every time I try to have a conversation with him about it, I get this knee-jerk "I'm not ready" reaction. I feel so tempted to just quit taking my pills, but I know that would be a huge mistake. If I did get pregnant that way, I'd feel terrible for tricking him. But I really just don't know how to bring him around to my point of view. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!
Baby Crazy Mama
As someone who was ready for her first baby loooong before her husband was, I totally sympathize. It's a rough spot to be in, particularly since we're the ones with the CRAZY TICKING THUMPING BIOLOGICAL CLOCKS going off in our hormone-addled brains. And while I don't know of any magic words that will make your husband change his mind, I do know of two things that may make things even worse. Do not do either of these two things:
1) Threats and/or ultimatums.
2) Deception.
I'm sorry, but that whole "I'll just FORGET to take my Pill" thing grosses me out. I know you were mostly joking but other women...not so much. Totally not fair to anyone, hypothetical baby-to-be included. Family planning and building is a whole family activity, so...yeah. That's all I have to say about THAT.
Honestly, it sounds like your husband just wants and needs a little time. He's not saying never, he's saying not now, and while I know you have very real, logical reasons for wanting it now, pushing/begging/haranguing him will probably not help. Not to make even more gross generalizations about baby-crazy women and their menfolk, but guys definitely like to be READY. Your husband doesn't feel READY. There's nothing you can do or say to force him to feel otherwise, for the time being. I'm sure he will come around -- maybe it'll be packing up the crib, her birthday, potty-training, a sudden realization that oh wow, he doesn't have a baby anymore. I don't know his specific reasons for wanting to wait so long, but there's probably a mental lip he needs to nudge himself over. You can offer an occasional poke, but you can't push.
You can (and should) talk to him about the importance of the over-35 thing for pregnant women, the increased risks for both you and baby, the possibility for more invasive genetic testing, all of that fun stuff. Don't fixate on it and wig yourself out, but make sure he knows that it is indeed a Real Thing, not to be shrugged off as irrelevant to your child-spacing decisions. Fertility decreases, while the risks of birth defects (particularly Downs Syndrome) and miscarriage increase (from about 12% to 25%). If he continues to insist on waiting, please don't be terrified or anything -- just focus on your own health in the meantime. Maintaining good diet and weight and lifestyle will up your odds of an easy, complication-free conception and pregnancy.
You may also be interested in:
- Does Two Under Two Shortchange the One?]]>
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Tips for Teenage Skin & Hairtag:www.alphamom.com,2009:/smackdown//8.26192009-10-23T06:03:58Z2009-10-26T19:30:51ZThings we wish our mothers had taught us (or are grateful that she did!)Amyhttp://alphamom.com/smackdown
Hola Amalah:
I've recently been put in charge of putting together a three part panel to teach the young girls in my church congregation about taking care of their bodies. (Why me? Yeah, I'm not sure either.) I've found someone to come and teach about nutrition and another women to come and teach about how to dress appropriately and how to take proper care of clothing. Now I just need someone to teach about hair and skin care. This is where you come in.
Don't worry, I'm not asking you to fly to Seattle to teach the teenager girls. (I know how you feel about teenagers!)
I've not been able to find anyone to teach this portion. I decided that since I can't find anyone to teach for me that I'd just do it. Problem is that I'm not really an "expert". I figured I could pull some info from the Advice Smackdown and just present it to the girls. Needless to say I've spent quite a bit of time reading the Advice Smackdown archives today, and while I've found a ton of useful info, it really is geared towards us adult ladies. I'm not sure if teenage skin and hair is much different then adult skin and hair (except for the lack of wrinkles and gray strands here and there).
So, is it different? Should I be teaching the girls something totally different than my "adult" skin and hair routines? It must be noted that the girls range in ages from 12 to 18, so about half of them aren't even wearing make-up (yet!).
I would appreciate any advice you (and the AS readers) could share with me, so that I can share it with these girls.
As always, keep on rocking. You do much good around the interweb.
xo
Isabel
Oh, how I wish I'd had someone like you in my life back when I was a teenager, when I had no idea how to deal with my hair and skin and had even less of an idea about all the harm I was doing to do it. So, thank you for at least putting the effort and realizing that this is actually a pretty useful topic -- beyond the teen magazines' tips on PERFECT PROM MAKEUP or EYELASHES TO GET U NOTICED BY BOYZZZOMG. Skin and hair health. Avoiding mistakes that you pay for later. Like now, when you're old. Like us.
Of course, teenage hair and skin IS like adult-lady hair and skin in one way: Everybody is different. Perhaps you could offer a little one-on-one consultation time with each girl? Just to help them identify whether their skin is normal/dry/oily/combination? Quick hair health assessment and pointers on what type of shampoo and conditioner might be best for them? I know I would have appreciated that -- for YEARS I was sure my skin and hair were full-on oily and used every product on earth to fix the problem. Turns out my skin was actually combination and needed to be treated a wee bit gentler. I never even used moisturizer because I was sure moisture = zits. And I had no idea how bad all those shampoos for oily hair were on (at-home, from-a-box) colored hair, and that just because my scalp was oily, I still needed to condition.
Beyond that, I guess I will start things off with a few things I wish someone had told me back in junior high:
1) Wash your face. Wash your hands. Keep them from coming in contact with each other as much as possible. I was always touching my face with my hands. Totally awful for your pores and blemishes. I was also entirely too cavalier about slapping on tons of makeup and not remembering to remove it properly at night. Bar soaps are bad for dry skin, scrubs aren't good for anyone: the best bet is a gentle liquid face wash.
2) And on that note, you're going to have this same skin when you're OLD. Be gentle with it. My whole thing? About using balancing skin and hair products instead of throwing the harshest thing you can find at the problem? Totally applies to teenage skin. Crap, I used to swap out my face toner with STRAIGHT RUBBING ALCOHOL during breakouts, and thought I was a total genius for coming up with that one. Then I'd use an acne mask and a spot treatment and no moisturizer. A quick science lesson in that whole pH balance business would have been helpful.
3) Wear sunscreen. All the time. Not just at the beach. You can get sun damage on cloudy days.
4) Your hair may grow out, but the quality of the new growth depends on how well you're treating what's already there. Hair dye, perms, straighteners, heat styling = really rough on your hair. Proceed with caution. Be really, really sure about chemically altering your hair.
5) For general all-purpose hair upkeep: shampoo just your roots, condition only your ends. Comb your hair out while it's sopping wet, use a heat protectant if you're flat-ironing. Don't sleep with a ponytail in. Homemade hair masks (avocado, mayo, etc.) are fun for sleepovers and goooood for your hair.
6) Diet matters. And I don't just mean "chocolate gives you zits!" old wives' tales. Just a quick talk about how what you put into your body affects you in ways beyond the bathroom scale. Junk food, excess salt, artificial and overly-processed crap can be to blame for some skin and hair problems. And likewise, the stuff you put ON your hair and skin should be chosen with care. It's never too early to start thinking critically about fragrance, parabens, chemicals and animal testing.
7) Zits totally suck. Everybody gets them, they're always worse around your period and no, don't squeeze and pick at them and NO, you really really aren't going to die alone and unloved and unpopular because of them.
8) For really terrible teen acne, follow the regimen from acne.org. Hands down, it's the most sensible approach for zits ever.
9) For teenage undereye circles: It's usually a lack of sleep and/or dehydration, unlike the ones us Olds get as our skin thins and ages. Teabags, cucumber slices and a yellow- or apricot-tinted concealer are magic.
10) Remember that the "natural look" in magazines requires two makeup artists, three hairstylists, four hours, fake eyelashes and a pantsload of Photoshop. Watch this. It's okay that you don't look like that, because NO ONE DOES.
What say the rest of you? If you could go back in time and tell your teenaged-self just one thing about her hair and skincare regimen, what would it be? ]]>
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Baby Sling Smackdown, Part IItag:www.alphamom.com,2009:/smackdown//8.26172009-10-21T15:00:27Z2009-10-29T10:33:23ZAmalah vs. the Maya Wrap. Guess who wins.Amyhttp://alphamom.com/smackdownPhoto from Ergo BabyHi Amy!
So I had the question about slings a few months ago and thought I'd follow up. You know in case any of the commentors wanted to know if I put their excellent suggestions to good use.
After carefully reading all the comments and finding out that huh, it sort of depends on your preference...I ordered another over the shoulder baby holder sling (in red, my favorite color). Since I knew it worked on my body and it is reasonably...well not inexpensive exactly but not break the bank expensive either. Which worked great for the baby and he loves being in it. Baby experienced his first Day Out with Famous Tank Engine with big brother, first walk in the mountains to see the fall leaves and numerous outings to the park to wear big brother out in the OSBH. The only problem is that said baby was 10 pounds at birth and now weighs in at 12.5 pounds at 2 months so for longer-term babywearing, I was going to need another option sooner than I planned. Someone in the comments suggested the Belle Baby carrier. I liked the look of it so I got one off e-bay (still in the box) for 50% of retail. I think it is going to work fabulously. We'll see as the baby gets bigger but for now, I really like it. And my husband much prefers it to the sling...he gets all nervous that the baby is going to fall out of the sling and likes the more strapped to his body style of this carrier.
Several comments raved about the wrap type carriers and I really considered them. Particularly given that I have an ACTIVE 3 yr old to chase after. But I tend to be hot-natured and apparently give birth to little radiators so I knew this option would just make both me and the baby way too hot. Pouch-type slings were also considered and rejected given my large bosoms and long-torso. And despite all the raves about the Ergo (brilliant advice columnist included) I just didn't think it looked comfortable and frankly thought it was sort of fugly.
I personally didn't have much luck looking on Craigslist as most of the baby carriers there were the REI hardcore hiking backpack type (we live in CO) or the useless Infantino or NoJo slings. But as I said, E-Bay worked out great. I got a new carrier (the seller bought it to try with her son, never got around to it and now he's too big) for a steal!
And finally, we didn't get a double stroller and haven't needed one yet. Mostly I pop the carseat into the stroller frame (best invention ever!) and my 3 yr walks along with us.
Thanks for posting the sling smackdown as the comments were very helpful!
Michelle
Yep, personal preference is definitely first and foremost when it comes to slings and carriers. What worked for one person may not work for another. In fact, it very most likely won't, which is why there are 400 bajillion options out there.
And yet it's SO hard not to get overly-passionate about what worked for you -- even I let out an involuntary squawk at the idea of the Ergo being UNCOMFORTABLE, OMG, I wore Ezra in that thing (front and back) for up to 10 hours a day at the BlogHer conference, whereas I haven't been able to keep him in one of the over-the-shoulder slings for more than an hour or two since we switched from cradle hold to hip carry. (This again, is a personal thing, as I have TERRIBLE problems with my neck and shoulder muscles even without babywearing -- I clench a lot, so I absolutely need a carrier that soundly keeps the weight on my back and hips and doesn't shift and tug at my shoulder.)
As for the not-super-prettiness of it, it is indeed a rather utilitarian take on the Mei Tai style. But for us that's been a benefit, since both my husband and I can take turns while we're out and about. It fits us both, we both swear by the comfort of it, and while Jason would use my reversible pouch sling, he could never get used to the hip carry position and -- like your husband -- was always paranoid that Ezra was about to fall out. I totally love the look of the Belle Baby carrier...but not being able to use it as a back carrier is another big personal negative. (Ezra loves being on our backs, it's super comfortable and allows our arms to have total freedom to wrangle Noah or carry a cup of coffee without fear of Ezra's grabby hands or spilling something on his giant head.)
But! I swear! I did not decide to publish your question just so I could ramble on about the Ergo some more. I actually recently picked up a whole new sling at a maternity/baby consignment store. THAT'S what I really intended to ramble about.
Since I like to fancy myself to be such a hardcore babywearer now, determined to use some form of carrier or another until Ezra heads to junior high, I figured I'd try one of those formerly-intimidating ring slings. I found a practically new Maya wrap, complete with original packaging and the instructional DVD, for over 50% off the regular price. In my size and everything! In a funky striped pattern that totally matched what I was wearing RIGHT THEN AND THERE. Clearly, I had to buy it, even though Jason rolled his eyes and pointed at the looooong flowy fabric tail on the package and stated that there was No Way He Was Wearing That.
Men! They're just so close-minded to us superior, Earth-Mother types, right?
I figured the padded shoulder of the Maya was the solution to my current sling issue -- Ezra is perfectly content in our Rockin' Baby Sling, but as he gets bigger and more wiggly I've had problems keeping it properly positioned on my shoulder, so after awhile, I feel like Ezra's pretty much completely hanging from my lower neck. This...um...hurts. (Don't tell Motrin!)
And indeed, I brought the Maya home and looped it up and plopped Ezra in and spent five minutes crowing about how comfortable it was! Oh, yes, this is so much better! And so pretty! Hooray! Then I pulled it off and tossed it in the wash, because original packaging aside, it totally reeked of cardboard-box-in-the-attic.
The next day was my first trial run -- a quick trip to the farmer's market. I carefully re-threaded it and put Ezra in. And started having issues less than 10 minutes later. Ezra fussed and twisted in protest like I've NEVER seen him do before, and with every twist, the fabric kept slipping from the rings and loosening up and pretty soon I had to take him out and start all over. Re-thread. Double-check the edges of the fabric, make sure they aren't folded over, carefully spread over the ring, carefully position on shoulder. Put baby in, attempt to tighten and adjust the sling again...WTF, how did it get all twisted over on itself again? 10 minutes later, Ezra was slipping down my torso again and the padded shoulder part was hanging down somewhere over my boob.
MAN, did I look like a rookie. Also, an idiot.
I've tried it...oh, twice since then. I've watched the DVD. I've studied the website. I swear I'm not doing anything obviously wrong. Despite the instructions' assurance that you shouldn't have to re-thread that often, I have to re-loop it through the rings every time, especially if I've tossed it on the backseat of the car or into a diaper bag -- the fabric never seems to stay untwisted, so the rings can't do their job of keep the sling tight enough. And of course, the biggest problem is that Ezra really doesn't seem to like it, and I'm guessing it's because the Maya doesn't have a padded rail like our pouch sling. The fabric digs behind his knees and he kicks and bounces around, thus putting more strain on the rings and pulling it out of position and off my shoulder.
So. I am bummed. A combination of baby preference and mother stupidity has left me with a lovely but mostly useless sling that will likely end up right back at the consignment store. And right now I'm sure there's somebody who LOVES their Maya wrap with the heat of a thousand suns and can't believe I am saying such terrible things about their preshussssss. I know! I am clearly a bush-league babywearer. I'll be over here with my stupid black Ergo, awkwardly bending backwards over this here couch to get my baby on my back so I avoid vacuuming graham-cracker crumbs out of my cleavage at the end of the day.
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Monster-in-Lawtag:www.alphamom.com,2009:/smackdown//8.26122009-10-19T06:00:21Z2009-10-19T20:40:09ZWhat to do when it's more than meddling.Amyhttp://alphamom.com/smackdown
Hi Amy,
I'd love to be writing you with an easy question about makeup or skincare, but you've already solved all my skincare woes (oh, how I love me some Philosophy!) and I am currently banned from Sephora (self-imposed) after a particularly ridiculous shopping spree there. Plus, I have something much more difficult to worry about.
My husband and I have been married for almost two years and are expecting our first child in a couple of months. Yay! The marriage is great, my husband is an absolute dream, and we're both very excited to meet our daughter. The problem? My mother-in-law. At first, it was just general controlling craziness that could be dealt with. Whatever, no big deal. Everyone has a crazy relative, the mother-in-law was my husband's contribution to the marriage. I resolved to deal with her as cordially as I could and if she stepped over any lines, my husband would take over. We even scheduled time for her to come out and see the baby once she arrives.
However, I recently learned some information that is making me want to rethink my tactic. One of my husband's younger siblings told us that in the past year, the normal teenager/Mom fights became physical, and that his sister ended up with bruises on her arms after these fights. The police were called twice but were sent away by his stepfather. In the morning, his mother would see the bruises and ask his sister where they came from. I was absolutely appalled. I mean, I had my fair share of fights with my mother when I was a teenager, but I never ended up bruised afterward. The fact that she asked where the bruises came from the next day also scares me. Is she blacking out in her anger? Delusional? As we were talking about this, my husband told me that he remembers his mom beating on him when he was a little boy because he had left something at the mall and his mother was upset she would have to repurchase it and money was tight.
Amy, I knew this woman was a bit unhinged, but I had no idea that it went so far. I am absolutely terrified to leave my daughter in her care. I mean, babies can be frustrating and I don't want her to lose it with my daughter and hurt her. I said as much to my husband and he assured me he does not remember her being this way with his siblings when they were babies (he is quite a bit older than they are and remembers them as babies very well). He says he completely understands why I'm worried, but does not believe that his mother would hurt our daughter. The last thing I want to do is to make it so my daughter does not have a relationship with her grandmother, but her safety has to come first, and my sanity! I can't imagine not being completely on edge if she were to watch our child, not to mention what I would do if she were to even THINK about hurting my daughter.
What I really want to do is to make a rule that she has no contact with our daughter, or at the very least no unsupervised contact until she begins therapy and some sort of anger management. Am I allowed to do this? I know my husband would support me, but despite everything she has done, I don't want to cause a rift between him and his family, or betray his sister's trust by letting his mom know that she told us. His mother has started therapy a couple of times, but left after one session because she didn't like what the doctor was saying, so I don't think she is going to like being given an ultimatum. So, I guess what I'm asking is, am I being completely hormonal mama bear crazy or do we have an obligation, not just to our daughter but to my husband's younger siblings, to step up and do something?
Thanks,
Lisa
Well! Okay.
You do not let this woman have unsupervised contact with your daughter. End. Of. Story.
And I don't mean just when your daughter is tiny and small. I mean, EVER. I know it's nice to have grandparents as babysitters and all, but hellllllll no. It sounds like she may actually become more dangerous to children as they get older and more willful/frustrating, so seriously: shore up your reserves now, because this isn't a situation that will resolve after those first postpartum weeks.
Look, I'm no domestic abuse expert here, BUT:
Yes. Someone needs to intervene on behalf of your husband's younger sister. She was a baby once, too. She does indeed need a hormonal mama bear crazy advocate. Her story plus your husband's memories...DUDE. DUUUUUDE. Abuse is a cycle. It doesn't just stop or pick-and-choose which child "deserved" it vs. a child who was just teething and grumpy.
You aren't overreacting. Help her. Find someone else who can help her. Call her school, her guidance counselor. Call the police, again, and tell them not to leave. I just...I cannot express this enough. Forget the worries about betraying anyone's trust. That "trust" was a cry for help, even if she didn't necessarily mean for it to be.
Teenager = child = bruises. NOT COOL. EVER.
People are protecting your MIL, making excuses...the stepfather turning away the police, your husband remembering awful stuff yet insisting that she wouldn't hurt your daughter or probably never lashed out at anyone but him, the failed attempts at therapy...again, no abuse expert but this is a pretty classic scenario of someone with a Problem. Abusers generally don't just hurt one child or one person. They learn to hide their behaviors; they learn to manipulate their victims. Don't let anyone blame your sister-in-law. Don't sit there and question over whether she's telling the truth or not -- that's not a question for YOU to figure out, you know? Don't worry about breaking up a home or causing a rift or people blaming you for causing "problems." You are not the Problem.
So...look, I cannot solve that Problem for you. But if you were mostly looking for reassurance that you are not being unreasonable...well. YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE. This woman does not come near your baby. This woman needs to be stopped before she hurts her own babies again.
1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
It's anonymous. Please call.
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Maternity Leave Milestonestag:www.alphamom.com,2009:/smackdown//8.25992009-10-16T06:10:58Z2009-10-16T20:52:06ZWhat can I reasonably expect to get done during my maternity leave? Amyhttp://alphamom.com/smackdown
Dear Amalah,
I'm getting ready to have my baaayyyybbbeee, which is super exciting and I just can't wait. But there's a little something I'm worrying about. Maternity leave. I'm taking at least 12 weeks, maybe a little more. And 12 weeks is starting to seem like a looooooooong time to be away from work for a type A girl like myself. I get a little crazed when I'm bored... So I've been wracking my brain trying to come up with a list of achievable projects or just things to do to keep me occupied while I'm on leave, little things to make me feel like I done *something, anything* each day. For example, our local theater has a Mommy/Baby movie morning on Wednesdays--so I'll go to that. But what to do with the other mornings, and mid days, and afternoons? TV in my living room seems like a bad idea.
Do you have any advice on things that are worth adding to the list? Obviously I won't be renovating my kitchen during this time, but what sorts of things can I reasonably expect to do while I'm on leave?
Thanks!
Overachiever
Oh hey, you remind me of ME. The me of just a little over four years ago, who was also about to go on leave and had All Sorts Of Plans for my leave. Some of those All Sorts Of Plans included:
1) Send out birth announcements and thank-you notes.
2) Regular weekly lunch with friends from work.
3) Regular weekly lunch with husband at his work.
4) Daily walk around neighborhood with baby and dog.
5) Have non-work friends and relatives over to meet the baby at least once.
6) Attend Mommy & Me events in the area, such as movies, playgroups, exercise classes
7) Re-organize closet (i.e. pack up maternity and swap out seasonal clothing)
8) Two or three contract copywriting assignments from my company
9) Blog
10) Resist all daytime television, except for maybe The Price Is Right, because come on.
See? All perfectly reasonable, in all honesty. Nothing that I previously couldn't manage to do in a single weekend, or on top of an 8-hour workday.
So how'd I do?
1) Done! With some help from my mom, who came to help out around week three. We churned these suckers out...while sitting on the couch and watching television. (It was at least a DVD, and not soaps or Dr. Phil.)
2) Nope. Never happened. Turned out that getting out of the house with a newborn was a lot tougher than I ever anticipated -- I needed a good two hours' lead time to get us both up and cleaned and dressed, and then suddenly there was ALWAYS another poopy diaper or spit-up all over both of us. Since I was trying to accommodate my working friends' understandably tight lunch break schedules, I had to cancel both of my attempts to meet them because I just always seemed to be running too late.
3) Once! I did this once.
4) I did take walks. They were far from daily, but I did take a few. The weather did not really cooperate the way I expected.
5) Yes, we had plenty of visits from friends and family. I actually preferred when my friends would invite us OUT with the baby, either to early dinners at family-friendly restaurants or for casual get-togethers at their house. That way I didn't have to stress over my lack of hostessing skills or my messy house, and it was always, ALWAYS easier to get out of the house with Jason around to help than when I made solo attempts. So if your friends want to see the baby, consider fishing for an invitation OUT OF YOUR OWN HOUSE.
6) I went to one mother & baby movie screening, after probably two or three weeks of failed attempts. Again...I don't know, I just sucked at getting us up and out of the house on time. I misjudged how flipping TIRED I would be, and how that sleep deprivation would effect my general life skills. Like I got theaters mixed up, misread schedules, got turned around in parking garages, would drive halfway there and realize that I forgot to pack a single extra diaper.
7) No.
8) No.
9) Yes! I did. A lot. And I'm so glad, because those are some of the most hideously embarrassing entries I've ever written, but HOT DAMN, I was tired.
10) I'm also grateful for all those mornings I got to spend with Bob Barker before he passed away retired (update: sorry for the confusion Bob. We love you!). It was a really special time.
I don't mean to sound snarky here -- those really were my goals and my results. I was not happy with them, for a long time, since I felt like such a clueless failure for not being able to leave the house without it being a big, rushed, late, frantic production. I wish someone had sat me down and taught me the great art of STREAMLINING with a newborn (something I didn't learn until Ezra, until necessity forced me to). (Key points: sling or carrier instead of carseat/travel-system; the bigger your diaper bag, the more useless/pointless crap you will carry around with you while still forgetting essentials; keep essentials like diapers, wipes, spare outfits in your car, so if you do forget something you don't have to abandon everything and go home.)
I guess I'm still trying to say that 1) it's good to have goals, and 2) it's good to be kind to yourself if you don't actually meet those goals, in between all this business of caring for a new human being, being completely tied to the capricious wills of a new human being, and of being so tired you don't even mind walking face-first into a wall because OH THANK GOD, the wall woke you up right before you were about to fall down the stairs.
Oh, and 3) those 12 weeks are going to go by so fast. You won't even believe it.
So. If I had to come up with some new goals for a hypothetical maternity leave, it would look something like this:
1) Send out birth announcements and thank-you notes.
2) Bring baby to meet coworkers at the office, leaving the day and time non-specific so you don't feel pressured if you're running late or the baby is particularly off his schedule that day.
3) Same thing for your partner's office and coworkers. Forget the lunch hour thing, just commit to getting over there so s/he can show off the baby at least once.
4) Walk around neighborhood whenever you feel a bit stir-crazy, or it's a beautiful day, or you're having trouble getting the baby down for a nap. If it doesn't happen some days, eh. Experiment with carriers or the stroller, drive to a mall and walk around if the weather is bad. (I strapped Noah into a Bjorn and went up and down our condo building's steps just to satisfy my need to get some physical activity in some days.)
5) Attend Mommy & Me events in the area, such as movies, playgroups, exercise classes. So...I sucked at these, but they exist for a reason. If you enjoy them, get on a local moms' message board and find more. If they stress you out or bore you, cross 'em off your list without a second thought.
6) If you can't swing visits and outings, embrace easier, low-maintenance ways to keep in touch. Talk on the phone. Get a webcam so far-away relatives can "see" the baby. Spend as much time on Facebook as you want without guilt.
7) Take photos and/or video of your baby every day. Start a scrapbook or or online baby book or SOMETHING to start the good practice of keeping every organized and (especially for digital photos) backed-up in case of a hard drive failure.
8) Leaving the house is a goal in and of itself, and that includes the seemingly endless appointments with your pediatrician, lactation consultant, and OB/GYN. Hooray! You did it! And you remembered to wear pants!
9) And lastly, remember that taking care of your baby is also a goal. And kind of the whole point. The first few weeks that means feedings every two to three hours. Lots of diaper changing and laundry and then more changing. Then there's pumping for your return to work, finalizing daycare, getting him or her on some semblance of a schedule...all while trying to get some rest and sleep yourself. It's not as brutal as it sounds, honest, but it IS anything but boring.
10) Bookmark, read, live, learn and love RookieMoms.com. I KNOW I've recommended this site before but seriously. Click on the "months 1-3" button for tons of practical easy activities you can do with your baby during maternity leave. For the most part, the activities are realistic, doable goals that should satisfy the Type-A in you while also appealing to the sleep-deprived Type-Zzzzzz reality. (There's a book, too!)
You may also enjoy:
- The SAHM Gig: What Am I Supposed To DO All Day?]]>
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The Shieldtag:www.alphamom.com,2009:/smackdown//8.25972009-10-15T06:35:21Z2009-10-16T12:44:22ZA new breastfeeding mom is stuck stressing over the dreaded nipple shield. Why is it a "problem?" How to stop using it? Amyhttp://alphamom.com/smackdownPhoto from Milky Way LactationHi Amy,
I'm a HUGE fan and plan to write you a separate gushing email soon about how your blog and various columns got me through my pregnancy. But for now, I have a question, and I'm sorry, it's really long! It may not be something you can answer, but I thought I'd give it a shot.
Two weeks ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I knew I wanted to breastfeed, and for the most part, it's gone very well. The most important thing is happening - the baby is totally thriving. She's a voracious eater and was up above her birth weight at her one-week doctor's checkup, without me having to supplement at all; my supply has been right on target. I am also lucky that both my mother and my mother-in-law breastfed and believe it in strongly, and my husband is a fan as well, so I have a lot of support and encouragement.
My problem is regarding nipple shields. The first time I fed her in the recovery room, she couldn't get latched on, but I chalked up a lot of that to my position at the time, as I was flat on my back being stitched up after a difficult vaginal birth (forceps, anyone? yes, please, and I'll have a fourth-degree tear on the side). Then in the postpartum room we tried again. At this point I had been up for about 26 hours and the very pushy nurse popped a nipple shield on me without really explaining why or what it was supposed to do, then put the baby on to feed. I went with it and things went okay in the hospital, although somewhat painful. I asked the lactation consultant who stopped by just before we checked out (and didn't really seem interested in answering our questions) about it, and she said something like "keep using it until you don't need to anymore" before leaving.
The next day at the first pediatrician visit, I talked to the lactation consultant there, who informed me that part of the extreme pain I felt when she latched on was probably due to the nipple shield I had being two sizes too small. She brought me a proper fitting one and told me I had inverted nipples, and again said something about working my way off the shield, but didn't really answer my questions about how and when to do that. Breastfeeding got less painful with the larger shield, but I still felt like something wasn't right, so I took matters into my own hands and scheduled a home visit with a THIRD lactation consultant from the Breastfeeding Center here in DC. She came over and was lovely, and got the baby to latch on without the shield, which we did successfully a few times. But it still hurt like hell right when she latched on, and that time and the times since that I've tried to feed her without the shield (which I have been able to do, and felt very proud of both of us), she's done a number on my nipples and made subsequent feedings more painful.
The nipple shield was not something covered in the breastfeeding class I took or any of the info that I read, so I felt totally blindsided by it and now like I'm completely dependent on it. The current status is that I'm still using it every feeding, and despite a few seconds of initial pain when she latches that I still have, 1-2 minutes later there's no pain at all, and the vast majority of the time I spend feeding her is downright pleasant. But while all three lactation consultants have advised me to get off the shield when I can, start by popping it off mid-feeding and get her latched on, etc., none of them will give me a straight answer of what will go wrong if I don't.
That's my question for you. Do you know if there are problems with just always using the nipple shield? What could the negative impact be on the baby? On me? Is there a time by which I don't get off of it, it will cause issues with feeding later or something? This damn piece of silicone has me SO stressed out, and I just don't feel ready to give it up yet. I may eventually, but for now, (1) my nipples are still raw, (2) my baby has a tiny mouth - she was pretty little and there's only so much areola she can take in to get a good latch, (3) my baby is also not a patient soul and screams when she's not fed rightthissecond, and latching without the shield usually takes multiple tries, and (4) I'm still hurting in other places from the delivery and just trying to avoid any extra pain when I can. I feel so guilty when I finish each feeding without even trying to do it without the shield, but I can't bring myself to let her tear me open again. What would be the downside of waiting until she has a bigger mouth and my nipples are more healed before trying again? Or just using it until I go back to work and she's drinking pumped milk from a bottle most of the time?
Thanks so much in advance for any advice you have.
~Anonymous
First, let me make one thing super clear: I am not a lactation consultant nor anything close to a breastfeeding expert. I also have zero personal experience with nipple shields or inverted nipples. In summary, I am the most woefully under-qualified person you could possibly take your question to.
Got it? Okay! Now let me ramble on for many more paragraphs.
From MY understanding, there are two "real" potential problems with long-term nipple shield use, hence all the pressure on you to wean your baby (and yourself) from it: First, they can cause supply problems, as your baby is unable to really suck deeply from your breast. Thus, she doesn't empty your boob, you produce less milk, you are at a higher risk for clogged ducts and mastitis, oh, joy.
The second problem can crop up when you introduce bottles. Your baby is already accustomed to the taste and feel of a silicone shield, and may more rapidly develop a preference for bottles, as they have the same feel in her mouth but don't require so much work on her part. As the mother of a kid with oral motor issues, I can attest that yes, this does happen, even without the shield. It's not insurmountable (I highly recommend using preemie-flow nipples instead of level ones), but combined with supply issues, it's also not something I'd wave away as not worth worrying about.
Of course, the supply issues/baby not getting all your milk are POTENTIAL problems. It certainly doesn't sound like you have any, with a chubby thriving baby. If you're concerned, you can always try pumping for five or 10 minutes after feedings -- this way you're guaranteed to make sure your boobs are empty (less risk of clogged ducts) AND sort-of trick your body into thinking you need to make more milk than you actually do. (And it's all a balancing act, as you don't want to veer into oversupply territory either. WTH, boobs.) If your daughter continues to gain weight and thrive, pee and poop after feedings, etc., you are likely making enough and she is likely getting enough, even with the shield.
The other problems I've seen listed as "cons" for nipple shields basically amount to: You should wean from nipple shields because it can be incredibly difficult to wean from nipple shields. Um. Okay then.
So. Onto the inverted nipple thing. If you aren't on a hospital-grade breast pump, get one. Watch your boobs in the shield and see if it's able to draw out the nipple. Even if it can't at first, from what I've read, it can with time, since flat and inverted nipples are often caused by adhesions that need to be broken. (OW. GOD. I AM SORRY.) If you see that the pump can pretty easily draw your nipples out, then it could be time to try going shield-less with your daughter again.
As for the pain: if you are able to get her to latch correctly, the pain WILL decrease and stop once your nipples heal -- though there is some overlap. However, if her latch is as bad as you make it sound, you will get trapped in a endless cycle of her mouth inflicting more damage to your nipples as soon as you heal. Waiting until she's a bit bigger and able to latch correctly (i.e. bypassing the nipple and getting her mouth around the areola instead) before ditching the shield is probably not going to be the end of the world, particularly if you're using a breast pump to offset any potential supply problems in the meantime. I would probably say it's still a good idea to occasionally whip the shield off mid-feeding (once your milk is really flowing and she's really into it), but definitely find some balance so you can stop stressing about this so much. Balance, and a prescription for some All-Purpose Nipple Ointment (APNO). It's the greatest stuff in the world. (OF ALL TIME!)
(Oh, and has anyone checked her out for a tongue-tie? Little flappy skin thing under her tongue? Have you seen her tongue stick out past her bottom lip? Or does it stay in her mouth and look like the top of a heart? Because MAN, that nonsense HURTS, and makes a good latch all but impossible.)
But...you know, I KNOW of women who never managed to get their babies weaned from the shield. It sometimes is a necessary evil for preemies and inverted nipples (though it sounds like your nurse really jumped the gun by giving you one, but hey, I don't think you're allowed to be a breastfeeding mother without having a story about some TERRIFICALLY BAD ADVICE you got from someone). You're feeding the baby. That's rule number one. Rule number two is to maintain your milk supply. That's where the shield MIGHT work against you, but it might not, and there might be other solutions to that problem if you encounter it on the shield. (Pumping, herbs, teas, Domperidone, etc.)
I'm guessing there are some readers out there who can chime in with some first-hand experiences with nipple shields and how to wean from one and what can happen if you don't. So I shall pass the microphone to them. Good luck.
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When Pregnancy Announcements Attack, Part IItag:www.alphamom.com,2009:/smackdown//8.25902009-10-12T14:06:34Z2009-10-12T19:01:52ZMore on navigating fertile vs. infertile friendships.Amyhttp://alphamom.com/smackdownHi Amy,
I'm hoping you can help me navigate a particularly awkward social situation. Here's the thing: I am recently pregnant (9 weeks and puking...) which is lovely and delightful and all that stuff. The problem is with one of my close friends. She and her husband have been trying to conceive for a couple of years now and have recently embarked on their first round of IVF. I'm so sorry that conception has been, and continues to be, such a problem for them, and I've always tried to be supportive and sympathetic. When I found out I was pregnant I let my friend know by email, so that she wasn't expected to have a big!happy! reaction to my news in person. She responded with a one line, 'congratulations!' and since then... nothing.
She's definitely avoiding me. We used to see each other fairly regularly but now she makes excuses every time I suggest doing anything, and even avoids group events when she knows I'll be there. I'm confused as to how I should feel about this. On the one hand, I get that she's struggling with her own fertility issues and that being around a pregnant friend would be hard. But on the other hand, it really hurts my feelings that to her now I'm just 'pregnant person to be avoided', not her good friend who also happens to be pregnant. Honestly, I don't expect her to be happy about my news, I really don't care how she feels about it. And I'm not one of those people who talks endlessly about baby and pregnancy things; most of that stuff bores me and I get enough of it from my Mother in Law. I would just like to spend some time with my friend, find out how's she's doing, maybe watch some crappy TV together, just like we used to.
I would really appreciate your advice on how to handle this. Should I call her on the fact that she's avoiding me, and let her know that it hurts my feelings? Or should I just accept that she doesn't want to be around me right now and leave her be? I really hope our friendship will survive this hurdle, but I don't know the best way to go about preserving it.
Thanks
Anonymous
You know...I don't know. I wish I knew something -- anything -- simply and pithy to tell you here, but I don't. There's no guidebook for this, no simple three-step process, and definitely no solution for sale at Sephora.
She could be so singularly focused on her IVF cycle that she doesn't realize that she's letting of the "ignore" vibes. She could be wallowing in self-pity or deeply depressed...or maybe she's just super busy. I don't know. I don't know her or your friendship and it's not like all infertile women have some kind of default reaction to pregnant friends and BEHOLD, I HAVE THE SECRET KEY TO GETTING THEM TO BE HAPPY FOR YOU AND THEN KNIT SOME BOOTIES FOR YOUR EMBRYO.
And I know that's not what you're asking, by the way. I know you're hurt and frustrated because God, it's not like you went and got pregnant to expressly hurt her or anything, so what the hell?
Should you call her on it? No. God, no. At least...I would be FURIOUS if someone did that to me, back in the Days Of Clomid And Cycling And Crying About The Cycling. That would prompt a huge fit of "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND" while I turned and ran back to my room (well, probably my office) and slammed the door. I would get defensive ("but I really DID have to go to dentist/visit my in-laws/wash my hair/etc."). I would get angry that you were assuming that I was being that small and petty, that my life revolved around my infertility to that degree, that I was incapable of being happy for my close friends.
So...not that. I would instead go with patience. And some careful, non-pushy persistence. Call her on the phone instead of email when you're trying to make plans...and maybe suggest plans that DON'T involve a lot of conversation and how are yoooooouuuuus, like a night of crappy TV or a movie without dinner beforehand. She might be worried that SHE won't know what to say or do now that you're pregnant. (You suggest dinner and she thinks about how you can't drink wine and every sip of your water will feel like a punch in her infertile womb. You suggest shopping and she thinks, Oh God, Maternity Clothes.) (Or not! You know? She could just genuinely be busy or preoccupied. Maybe she'd be down with all of that. I DON'T KNOW. GIRLS ARE WEIRD. I HAVE A HARD ENOUGH TIME MAKING AND KEEPING MY OWN FRIENDS) Stay there for her, swallow any bitterness about her not being there for you, for now. She might just not be emotionally able to deal with it right now, but with time, she will. Keep the door open and keep the dramatics and hurt feelings to yourself for a little while longer.
I mean, you're NINE WEEKS. I'm guessing she's been ignoring you for all of...a month? Three or four weeks, maybe? Again, I don't know the kind of friendship you had before, if you were the talk-on-the-phone-every-night sort or had a standing girls' night date every Wednesday, but giving her a few weeks of space isn't unreasonable. Particularly if she's currently stabbing herself in the ass with hormones on a daily basis for a costly, emotional IVF cycle.
It's interesting -- the last time we covered this topic a few commenters expressed their horror at the idea of pregnant friends handling them with sympathetic kid gloves -- that the emailed announcement and zero pregnancy updates made them feel weird, and left out. Like OH, don't anyone mention b-a-b-i-e-s around the b-a-r-r-e-n person. So with that in mind, I guess the best advice I can give is to not focus on the current situation as a pregnant vs. non-pregnant thing. She is your friend. You are her friend. Sure, it's likely that she is sad as hell, maybe pretty jealous, and dealing with that in her own way. She is also more than the state of her uterus, as are you. Give her time. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Give her plenty of indication that the door is always open and you aren't judging her for some early emotional missteps.
(If she's still ignoring you in say, six months, write back. Then I'll be all, wuuuuuuut? And come onnnnnnnnn.)
Photo Credit: Photo Mojo
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Does Two Under Two Shortchange the One?tag:www.alphamom.com,2009:/smackdown//8.25852009-10-09T05:58:28Z2009-10-12T14:50:55ZA surprise second pregnancy has a mom coping with unexpected guilt.Amyhttp://alphamom.com/smackdownPhoto by FannyDear Amy,
When my daughter is 21 months old, she will be joined by a sibling. Of course, my husband and I are beyond thrilled. We want lots of kids, and we wanted them relatively close in age.... but not that close. We planned to wait until our daughter was pre-school-aged, but oops... accidents happen! I love being pregnant and I so want to enjoy this pregnancy. Physically, I feel great but I'm feeling huge, huge amounts of guilt. Guilt for not being careful, and guilt for springing this on a 21 month old. It seems so young to me, it *is* young. A 21-month-old is still so needy, isn't she? My rationale for waiting until she was in pre-school was that she'd have her own thing to do, without me, and hopefully, she wouldn't notice so much that there was a new sib sucking up huge amounts of attention. Intellectually, I know it'll be fine, and I know that people have kids much closer in age! After all, my sister and I are only 18 months apart but I can't shake this guilt and also, some fear that my daughter will totally resent me. Will the guilt go away? Can I MAKE it go away?
~Nancy
You know what I hated -- like hated hated HATED -- during my pregnancies? I hated people who blamed every little weird emotion or worry or fear I had on the hormones. I remember talking to my doctor about...oh, I don't really remember THAT PART, but I do remember him saying something about the hormones while I stared REALLY HARD at his cup of Ortho Tri-Cyclen pens and visualized stabbing him in the neck with one.
Anyway. Hold the phone and put down the pen, because I am TOTALLY about to pull that crap on you right now.
IT'S THE HORMONES.
Sort of, anyway. You know how those buggers work: they magnify valid-yet-small concerns into gigantic issues that you cannot let go of. So you worry and fret and there's guilt and sleepless nights over something that just sort of is what it is. What if the baby doesn't like me, what if there's something wrong, what if our marriage changes, what if I poop during labor, on and on your brain goes around in the hamster wheel.
Just because you're HAPPY about an unexpected pregnancy doesn't mean that it's not jarring, or that you won't need some time to adjust and really accept the new and coming reality. We had a scare that really wasn't a scare a few months ago -- both of us admitted that actually, we'd be more than happy to have another baby, but whenever I did that math and realized that Ezra would be only 18 months old when Ol' Hypothetical Sibling arrived...HOLY CRAP. Suddenly, I wasn't "more than happy" anymore. I was TERRIFIED.
And yeah, I also definitely felt a little of what you're now REALLY feeling: guilt. Guilt over denying Ezra a chance to be "the baby," for not being careful, because oh, goodness, I'm going to be in so far over my head and I won't be able to take care of him and I'll expect too much of him and...hmm. You know, I am pretty sure these were the exact same thoughts I had during my very planned, very much further-spaced-out second pregnancy.
And I managed to work myself up into this state WITHOUT the hormones, all in under two weeks before the peesticks starting showing up negative.
When I am ACTUALLY pregnant, I have two predominant symptoms: puking and nerve-wracking anxiety. Even though Noah was going to be three years old by the time his sibling arrived, I struggled with all of the same worries. Was a sibling really a good idea? Were we underestimating Noah's special needs and the impact those needs would have on a sibling? And vice versa? And he'll be just starting preschool and then everything changes all over again and how will I coordinate getting him to and from school with a newborn in the cold weather and WHAT IF HE HATES THE BABY AND/OR US and WHAT HAVE WE DOOOOOONE?
So, look. What you are feeling is totally normal, parentally speaking, and your excessive worrying about it is also completely normal, hormonally speaking. Even in your question, you're admitting that it's not a super-rational fear, given your sister's age. (Somehow I'm guessing whichever one of you is older has never wept on a therapist's couch, tracing all of your life's problems and parental resentment back to the birth of The Other One at a mere 18 months old. ) Maybe you're projecting your own fears about your ability to mother two-under-two onto your daughter. "I'm not prepared for this, I'm not going to be able to handle it, thus short-changing them both and she will notice and hate me for it."
But really, you'll be able to handle it. 21 months old is actually pretty close to 24 months old, the exact age a lot of parents aim for when spacing their children. (Honestly, I'd recommend your spacing WAY MORE than ours: three-year-olds are gigantic pains in the butt.) At 24 months -- just three months after the baby arrives -- she CAN start preschool. Plenty of two-year-olds attend two or even three days a week. If you look at it like that, well, you actually aren't *that* premature on your original plan. 21-month-olds *are* needy, but also terrifically independent and curious and can say stuff like "baybee" and oh, it's really a great age.
So. I don't expect that reading MY rambling thoughts about your child-spacing choices is going to really be enough to soothe your guilt and anxiety for the remainder of your pregnancy. (Pesky hormones.) I would definitely recommend keeping a journal or blog and work through your fears. Write your daughter letters. Write the baby letters. Get it out of your brain, so to speak. Plan plenty of special mommy/daughter time and fun activities...while also taking time to spend time alone, bonding with (gag, I know) your belly. I found that my fears about a second baby would fade when I took the time to revel in my pregnancy -- a bubble bath, listening to the heartbeat via a doppler, prenatal yoga. Then I'd take Noah on an extra-long nature walk and revel in him. Finding the balance between the two helped boost my confidence that this was a Good Thing, and that I really could care for and love them both, separate yet equal.
I suspect your worries will not really extend past the birth, at least not at their current levels: There's something downright magical about seeing your firstborn meet and interact with a newborn sibling that just melts everything else away. Even though there were times when Noah was clearly REALLY HOPPING MAD at us for dropping the Ezra bombshell on him, I was okay with that. It was perfectly understandable that he would be mad at us. (I preferred that he turn his anger on us, instead of Ezra.) He loved the baby, he really still loved us. We didn't ruin his life, even if he occasionally felt that way.
Your children won't remember a time when the other WASN'T a part of their lives. Right now, that might seem like a negative, or a loss for your daughter. Once her sibling arrives, I think you'll find that it's actually pretty damn cool.
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Dealing with Developmental-Delay Denierstag:www.alphamom.com,2009:/smackdown//8.25832009-10-07T18:15:48Z2009-10-08T14:40:49Z"My daughter is speech delayed. So why is my family arguing with me about it?"Amyhttp://alphamom.com/smackdownPhoto by mockstarAmy!
I wrote to you some months ago suspecting my daughter has a speech delay. Well, I had her tested and, yeah. She's 17 months old as of today and she has the speech abilities of a 4 month old, based on the initial assessment. They're going to do a more in depth evaluation, and the coordinator cautioned, "Now, that number might go up to, say, 6 months. But don't expect it to magically creep up to 12 months or anything." But she's laid out some wonderful programs that are available to help her, and I'm going to tackle the problem head on and whip its ass.
I'm devastated. I cried for twenty minutes after the coordinator left our house. This is my baby girl, my heart, my soul, my everything. The problem I'm having is my boyfriend. He went on to tell me that "See? She's not delayed! That number will go up and you'll see she's just fine. Why, my son [previous marriage] didn't talk at all until he was two!" My first instinct is to scream at the top of my lungs "SHE IS NOT FINE, DAMMIT! The next person who tells me again that she's fine gets my foot across their mouth! The assessor said she's not fine, and quit comparing her to your kids! If your son couldn't talk until he was two, why didn't you do something?!" But, I know he's just trying to make me feel better and in his own way telling me it'll be alright, so I just clamp my maw shut. He just doesn't seem to think there's anything wrong with her, and it's driving me crazy. He has said IF she's delayed (if?! Hello! She IS delayed, gahhh!) then he's on board with therapy, but that he still doesn't think there's a thing wrong with her. His family also shares his views, and because they're both nurses, brush me off, all superior-like.
How do I convince the three of them that once and for freaking all SHE. IS. NOT. FINE? I really, really want to smack the next person who tells me that but alas, it's not polite and might even be illegal. I feel like it's an insult to me, my child, and the wonderful people helping us when they tell me that.
Thanks, and BTW - I just want to say you've big a BIIIIG help and a BIIIIG inspiration to me.
Thank you!
Sincerely,
Heidi
Oh, sweeeeeeetie. I hate calling other capable grown women pet names but I hate it slightly less than typing out [[[[[hugsssss]]]]], so pet names and virtual head pats it is. I'm really sorry you have to fight this fight. But I'm really happy that your daughter has you to fight this fight for her.
I still get it. The "he's FINE. there's NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM." thing. Um. For real? You really wanna argue with me and my binder full of evaluations and second (and third, and fourth) opinions about those evaluations? You really think the public school system just hands out free special education preschool to kids who are just "fine"?
These developmental-delay deniers seem to fall into a couple categories, complete with overlap:
1) THE DEFENSIVE. By stating that yes, your child has such-and-such of a delay, you often draw the delays of other children into sharper focus. Your boyfriend's son, for example. I cannot tell you how many times I heard the "my kid didn't talk until he was four and couldn't handle preschool until he was five and he's just fine now you're pushing him too hard and expecting too much blah blah blah." They may even think they're encouraging you, but the defensiveness under the surface is usually pretty transparent. Like you said, if your child didn't talk until he was two, why didn't you DO SOMETHING? And that's a question a lot of parents simply cannot bring themselves to answer. You are calling their decisions into question, the idea that maybe the way things were done 20 or 30 years ago was just flat-out wrong, the idea that they let their child down. So instead they blame today's schools, society's expectations, neurotic parents. "If you just turn off the TV and read her more books, SHE'LL BE FINE."
DEALING TACTIC: Smile and say that you are certainly optimistic that she will be fine, tell them how happy it makes you to hear their success story. If they continue to press the issue, say you have decided to take the "better safe than sorry" route and take advantage of all the wonderful programs available to her these days. Realize that you may never change their minds, but can only do what you think is best for your child.
2) THE UNINFORMED. Your boyfriend is putting too much emphasis on VERBAL communication. Four-month-olds don't talk. Neither do most 12-month-olds. Some 17-month-olds do, while others don't. But children of all of those ages still COMMUNICATE, and your daughter is not COMMUNICATING at an age-appropriate level, or anything close to it. That's what her assessment measured -- more than words. It's eye contact, coos, certain consonant sounds, mimicry, facial expressions, gestures. For some reason, people really seem to think that communication is a single leap from non-verbal to verbal. A baby goes from completely silent to "dada" and "mama" and "juice," when really it's a process (with measurable milestones) that starts from birth.
DEALING TACTIC: Well, you fight ignorance with knowledge. If your boyfriend isn't too deep-rooted in his denial, encourage him to do some reading. Read stuff out loud to him, if you have to. Fill out a communication milestone checklist (birth to age two) and show him that hey, it's not just because she's not saying "doggy." Make sure he's present at any and all evaluations going forward and request that nothing be sugarcoated in his presence.
3) THE OVER-INFORMED. Sometimes it seems like folks who work in the medical community are the biggest deniers of all. Nurses and doctors have seen worse, much worse. They've probably diagnosed much worse. You've just unwittingly accused them of "missing something." In a similar vein, I had a friend -- a very smart, highly educated friend -- who probably read more about autism than I have, because it frightened her and she needed constant reassurance that her child did not have it. You read enough checklists you either a) start seeing autism EVERYWHERE, or b) find enough things that *don't* fit your child to cling to and start willfully ignoring everything else.
DEALING TACTIC: Similar to the Defensive folk, really. Smile and nod, and then do whatever the hell you think is right anyway. Do not engage in an argument, because really, it's not their call. Until your boyfriend gets a little more with the program I'd say don't even discuss the topic with anyone else who is just going to tell him what he wants to hear and undermine the heaping dose of reality that he really needs to hear.Realize that you may never change their minds, but can only do what you think is best for your child.
3) THE POLLYANNAS. "She'll be fine! She's just stubborn! You heard them! She'll improve on her own! She doesn't talk because she's SO SMART! It's always the smart kids! Einstein didn't talk until he was blah blah blah." Look, no one wants to hear that their baby is anything less than perfect. (I keep repeating a line from my interview with Quinn: "No baby is perfect, but we're allowed to think most newborns are because we don't know them yet.") No one wants to admit that there's something wrong or different or off about their baby. Hell, I still gulp and stammer when people ask me where Noah is going to school these days and get confused because how can a preschooler go to the public school? What was the name of that afternoon program? I've heard of that. Isn't that a school for like, autism and Down Syndrome or something? I still get the wind knocked out of me with every new evaluation because sometimes I still secretly think this is all a big mistake and SOMEBODY, SOMEWHERE, is going to look at Noah and declare him "cured."
DEALING TACTIC: I've probably repeated this phrase to every single person I know, at some point. "It can't hurt, it might help." Speech therapy is not strapping the kid to a chair, forcing them to look at flash cards and baby sign language for hours and hours, Clockwork-Orange style. It's a nice lady who brings toys over and plays for awhile. It's fun. It teaches you -- the parents -- a lot about the individual learning needs of your baby and how to get the most out of your time with them. It wasn't fun to downplay Noah's needs with a shrug of my shoulders to people and sound like I was saying "oh, what the hell, let's try speech therapy for KICKS!" But it seemed to help preserve their boundless optimism and reconcile the fact that a smart, amazing, wonderful kid could STILL BE ALL THAT, even while in speech therapy. That's not really such a bad thing, if you think about it.
While I'd skip worrying about your boyfriend's family members, you do need to bring him back down to earth, a little bit. Again, he needs to BE THERE during your next assessment and hear this stuff in person. Make them repeat the "bad" news so he doesn't gloss over it again. Make sure, when the eval results arrive in black and white (XX% DELAYED, COMMUNICATION SKILLS OF A X-MONTH-OLD, etc.), that he sits and reads them, and takes them in. There's something extra-jarring about seeing it typed out in clinician-speak, even if you knew exactly what was coming.
It's a tricky path to navigate -- just because you admit that your child has a special need does not mean you suddenly cease to be their biggest cheerleader. In fact, it's really the opposite. You learn that cheerleading isn't enough, nor is simply believing in their potential. You have to advocate for them, fight for them, ditch any and all preconceived notions about parenting, and figure out that a cookie-cutter approach to raising kids ("what was true for child A does not mean it's true/right/appropriate for child B") is not in anybody's best interest. Parenting a child with a delay or special needs requires a TREMENDOUSLY strong backbone and a TON of confidence in your decisions -- ironic since having a special needs child often has the opposite effect, thanks to judgmental Other People and the mental ass-kicking and constant second-guessing we do to ourselves.
With time, some people do come around. We have family members who have finally stopped trying to point fingers at the wrong things (his diet! his teacher! he's just so SMART!) and accept Noah's diagnosis, and educate themselves on how they can better interact with him. Others needed to see the results of our hard-fought-for therapy and programs to finally "get" that things weren't right before. I promise you I very rarely want to punch anyone in the neck, these days.
In the end, however, you do learn that their opinions don't matter, even if they make you roll your eyes so hard you sprain something. What matters is that you never, ever let those dissenting opinions stand in the way of getting your daughter the help she needs. And while I don't know you personally, I'm PRETTY SURE that's not going happen here. Go get 'em, mama. ]]>
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Nursing Your Nails Back to Healthtag:www.alphamom.com,2009:/smackdown//8.25742009-10-05T05:47:32Z2009-10-05T12:52:51ZHow to prepare overly-pedicured feet for a polish-free winter.Amyhttp://alphamom.com/smackdown
Dear Amy,
Long-time advice-taker here, first-time question-submitter. Awhile back you wrote a very compelling column about the need to give your toes a break from polish in the winter. I've been a year-round pedicure girl for AGES now, but it really made a lot of sense and I promised myself I'd embrace the naked-toenail look this year, once the open-toed shoe weather was over. (And to be honest, I was kind of looking forward to saving all those pedicure dollars. Sure, it's a nice treat but so are groceries.)
Last week I went ahead and removed my polish myself, at home...but was COMPLETELY unprepared for the horror I found underneath. (I guess I never really looked at them during my pedicures.) Yellow nails! Cracked nails! And (oh my God I can't believe I'm admitting this to the internet please use a pseudonym)...I have what appears to be a blackish fungus on my little toe. I never really look at my nails during my pedicures, and I am seriously shocked.
What do I do?? Even if no one else sees my feet all winter, I cannot stand to look at them myself. I admit I totally just grabbed the nearest bottle of polish and covered them up again, which I know is wrong and bad and making it worse (especially for that fungus, but everything I read online seems to suggest it will take MONTHS to get rid of it, oh crap). Clearly, they needed a break from the nail polish even more that I thought, but how do I get them healthy again in the meantime??
A Girly-Girl With Gross Feet
Okay. It's going to be okay. We can do this. We can get through this TOGETHER.
I had a similar shock a couple (wait, no, FOUR) years ago, when I got a pedicure right before giving birth in late September. And then I gave birth. And...kind of stopped caring about my toes, except to occasionally touch up the chipped polish. When I finally got around to fully removing it...MONTHS LATER...I encountered a similar sight to yours. Since then, I've gotten pretty good at the pre-winter routine of whipping polish-damaged nails back into shape.
There are a TON of "nail saver" formulas out there -- all promising to correct the cracks and brittleness -- but my problem with most of them is that they often contain just as many chemicals and unpronounceable ingredients as regular old nail polish. Anything that promises "shiny" nails is especially guilty -- you're basically coating your nails with clear polish, which is just as chemically harsh as colored, with some vitamins mixed in. Personally, I avoid them.
Instead, I use a natural tea tree oil remedy. J/A/S/O/N makes a great one. This stuff is kind of a one-stop treatment for most nail woes, primarily dryness and cracks, but it also has pretty potent anti-fungal properties. I LOVE THIS STUFF.
There are a slew of different remedies for nail fungus -- from a cotton ball doused in apple cider vinegar all the way to prescription drugs (which I imagine are best suited as a last resort) -- but I can tell you from our own personal household experience (NOT SAYING WHO), that the tea tree oil, applied twice daily, killed the infection in about a week. Pretty much as soon the new nail growth was visible, it was clear. The "months" part of the problem that you read about is more about waiting for the stupid black spot to fully grow out. Since we're talking about your itty bitty baby toe nail, it certainly won't take that long. Particularly if you're treating your nails well! Healthy nails will always grow faster. And yes, covering up a fungus spot -- even an old, non-active infection spot -- with nail polish is pretty much the LAST THING you want to do, and should be reserved for total emergencies only, like big fancy parties where open-toed shoes are your only option.
So. Tea tree oil. Twice a day, every day, until things improve. If the yellowing is REALLY BAD (it's usually worse if you favored really dark reds and burgundies), juice a lemon and rub that on with a cotton ball. Get a good natural cuticle salve (like Burt's Bees) and use that as needed.
As for the really bad cracks and just general ugliness, obviously the "best" thing to do is suck it up and live with it for a little while, but...I KNOW. Trust me, I know. No one wants to prop that up on the coffee table and look at that, and since you may be too tempted to cave and reach for the polish in the meantime, I am so totally on board with a compromise. You know those nail file/buffer things with all the different sides and steps? They sometimes get sold in kits at the mall where someone grabs you and files your nails until they're like, CRAZY SHINY? Those aren't especially good for your nails either. You're essentially filing and buffing away actual layers of your nail surface, thus weakening them and leaving them more vulnerable over time. But...once or twice? Every now and then? Eh. Do it. File and buff away the cracks and dullness. It still beats polish.
As for the rest of your feet, winter is prime time for your skin to to suffer from dryness and cracks too. Especially your heel. Regular moisturizing is like, beyond essential, and avoiding bare feet while inside is another biggie. The artificial heat inside our homes is the main cause of dry winter skin, along with hot showers. Wearing socks and slippers will make your heels less prone to cracking and grossness-looking. (Yeah, I just made up a verb. Y'all know what I mean.)
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Brides vs. Babies, Round Twotag:www.alphamom.com,2009:/smackdown//8.25752009-10-02T06:37:49Z2009-10-05T12:53:18ZA bride-to-be wants the brutal truth: Are you offended when your children aren't included on a wedding invitation?Amyhttp://alphamom.com/smackdown
Hello!
I have an advicely question which needs the opinion of a parent completely unrelated to me. I'm planning a wedding. It's far away, still, but of course, everything hinges on the guest list. Trouble is, we have two guest lists. One list of adults only, and one list with children included. It's not a huge list either way, but adding children jumps the list by 25 or 30. I managed to skate around choosing which list to use through the whole "choosing a venue" process (holycrap I still can't even talk about that), but I'm not going to be able to avoid it much longer. I have to decide: Am I having an adults only wedding, or will children under 18 be invited as well?
Of course, there are complicating factors.
1. Due to the ages of my cousins on my father's side, there is no reasonable "cut off" age to apply across the board. We'd be dividing between siblings or telling just one of my dad's 6 million brothers that he couldn't bring his children.
2. I think the idea of a wedding with all of my 16 thousand cousins and kids' friends running around and having a blast would be awesome. I think that a wedding with only adults, no kids to watch, no one having to take their children home early, would be equally awesome. I genuinely like BOTH ideas.
3. Hiring an on site babysitter and other various "kids table" or separate kid facilities have already been discussed and tossed out as unworkable in this situation.
4. My entire family already thinks I hate children. Excluding children would just confirm this in their minds. That aggravates me, as I do not hate children.
5. I kind of feel that an evening wedding with a late reception and open bar really isn't a kid-friendly event, but I also feel that weddings are family-centric events.
So here are my questions. As a parent, how do you feel when you get an invitation (say to a wedding) that doesn't include your children? Insulted? Excited for a child-free evening? If you got an invitation to a wedding that DID include your kids, but was an evening reception (going to 11pm or so) with an open bar, do you bring them? Do you feel obligated to bring your kids if they are invited, or make a decision based on your mood or what kind of evening it is? Do parents keep an eye on their kids at such events (I admit it - most of the kids I'd invite are great, but a couple are complete jerks not above sticking their hands in a cake)? Is it a bit "less fun" if you've got to watch your kids the whole evening, without anything really to entertain them? Do parents need to leave these events early to take children home? If I do decide to exclude children, how do I explain that it is not out of any animosity for kids (I DON'T HATE KIDS!), but simply because we've planned an adult evening? Tell the truth, there are people who are going to be pissed, aren't there?
Crap.
Your pal,
Kelly
If you read the comments on the LAST question I tackled about kids and weddings and brides (oh my!), you probably got the picture that this is one of those AWESOME topics where 1) a lot of people have strong-ish opinions about it, and 2) nobody really agrees with each other.
So hooray! Congrats on THAT one. Moving on.
If you're really just after what I would do, with my own children...I would be absolutely totally fine with you not inviting them. I mean, they're LITTLE. They go to bed at EIGHT. By 8:30, they're practically gremlins. One of them requires regular access to a changing table and destroys everything, and the other probably couldn't find a single palatable thing to eat on a wedding buffet if his life depended on it, unless you had the entire event catered by Annie's Organics. I am one of those parents who WOULD keep both of my eyes on both of my children the entire time, and would DIE if they put their hands in the cake or knocked over a centerpiece or farted during the ceremony.
There are times when being with your kids is really, really fun. A formal evening wedding and late reception and open bar is just -- TO ME -- not one of those times. I would not think twice about contacting our sitter before sending off our two-person RSVP. (We'll eat whatever's fanciest. Unless there's ribs.)
If you did invite them, I would probably be a little surprised, a lot touched, but unless it was during the day, or there was information provided about on-site child care, or I had your personal assurance that it was going to be a very casual, laid-back event with dozens of other children to act as bad-behavior camouflage...I'd likely still leave them at home.
But then again, we're talking LITTLE KIDS here. You mentioned the lack of a clear cut-off age and I really feel you on that. If my boys were...I don't even know...9 and 12? Capable of eating chicken or fish without protest and generally behaving like real human beings after 10 pm? Or even 6 and 8, and at an age where busting moves on the dance floor is fun for them and hilarious for everybody watching? Perhaps then I'd be bit more on board with saving money on a sitter and bringing them along. (And on the flip side, if I only had one very small baby of the stick-em-in-the-sling-and-go-about-your-business variety, who could be counted on to nurse and sleep and not much else, I'd definitely rather bring him along.)
There's also the whole "out-of-town wedding" aspect. If you're expecting these families with children to travel further than a reasonable drive...I could see the no-kid invites becoming a bigger deterrent. Travel costs, possible hotel stays...PLUS needing to find and pay a stranger to watch your kids? People may understand, but they may also just not be able to commit to that.
Have I talked in aimless circles enough? God.
So. If you look at your list and see a high percentage of out-of-towners with kids...I think you might want to include the kids. I know you said hiring childcare or doing a kid's table isn't feasible...but what about aiming for something a little less organized? Any teenage cousins with some babysitting experience who could be persuaded into having a couple much-younger "charges" for the night? Some baby-crazy 12-year-olds who could be called to hold babies outside the ceremony or while parents get to sit down and eat? (Hell, we had the teenage sons of a couple invited families act as parking valets in exchange for $20 and tips. A lot of kids find weddings to be boring anyway, and are happy to have something to do.) Could you swing a small table off to the side somewhere with paper, crayons, some other craft-y activities in case kids get bored and looking for mischief? Fake flowers so kids can create their own bouquets, coloring pages of wedding cakes or getaway cars to decorate?
But. Here's where I take wishy-washy to new heights: you are entirely within the non-Bridezilla realm even if you only invite adults. You're obviously thinking this through and thinking about your guests and your family and pleasing everybody. But look, if you can't invite the kids for some reason (guest count, budget, venue limitations, etc.)...OR EVEN IF YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO...give yourself a break. It's okay. Evening wedding! Late reception! Open bar! Most parents get that it's not really time for a big ol' playdate. And some people might not be able to come and some might even be pissed that you did not include their preshus snowflakes. Bwah. More cake for everybody else then!
If you do decide to go no-kids but want to stave off any (real or imagined) bad will from snubbed parents, maybe try to organize some shared-sitter/drop-off locations? (And by "organize" I mean "delegate to someone local with kids who would enjoy feeling useful.") A couple houses, a couple sitters, as high of a kids-to-sitter ratio as parents feel comfortable with (or is, you know, legal). Then multiple guests can split the cost of the babysitters, and out-of-town guests won't have to stress over using an agency or finding someone responsible.
(Oh. If you do decide to go adults-only, there is always the chance that somebody will ignore the names on the invitation and bring their kids anyway. Happened to us, though we weren't necessarily going no-kids, we were just trying to stay really, really small. They sent back their RSVP card with the printed TWO crossed out and wrote THREE. So. There is also that.)
Ultimately, just figure out which wedding is the one you REALLY WANT. Kids running around, getting down on the dance floor, saying hilarious things to your videographer? Or a nice grown-up evening out where everybody can stay as long as they want and dance the night away without worrying about the unsupervised 14-year-olds who managed to swipe a bottle of peach schnapps from the bar and are now puking in the rose bushes? ]]>
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Easy, Breezy...Cover Letters?tag:www.alphamom.com,2009:/smackdown//8.25622009-09-30T10:29:07Z2009-09-30T12:09:41ZHow to convey a sense of humor and stand out from the herd.Amyhttp://alphamom.com/smackdown
Dear Amy,
First of all I wanted to thank you for your past advice for job searchers. Thanks to you I know to Always. Wear. A Suit. On interviews. Unfortunately, I need some help just getting to the interview stage so I can bust out my new, charcoal grey beauty.
So you have probably gathered, I am one of the billion or so Americans currently looking for a job. I have sent out hundreds of resumes and cover letters with no luck, and am beginning to wonder if I need a new approach.
I've always believed that cover letters should sound completely professional. They should focus on your work experience and skills. But many of the job postings I'm replying to say that one of the requirements for an employee is a sense of humor (usually it's listed as a bullet point, right after "proficient in Excel and Word"). Up until now, when addressing their requirements in my cover letter, I've been ignoring the sense of humor. I mean, how DOES one convey this? A knock-knock joke? A sentence that reads, "I can assure you, I do enjoy a naughty limerick." I have no idea. So I ignore it, figuring that my love of LOLs will be evident during the interview process.
But. Sigh. There ARE no interviews. Do you think I'm shooting myself in the foot by not addressing part of the job posting? Is there a professional way to make it clear that I love mocking Paris Hilton around the water cooler?
Thank you oh Amalah!
While using obvious, outright humor in a cover letter can be risky (if blogging has taught me anything is that you can accidentally offend ANYONE with ANYTHING), it definitely sounds like your cover letter could using a little punching up, a little creativity. Those strictly by-the-book letters are not going to make you stand out these days, when HR departments are getting stacks and stacks of them. Your experience and skills may be impressive, but they may not be enough to make you truly unique.
And when you're sending out hundreds of letters and resumes, sometimes...that shows, a little bit, in your letter. I lost my job after 9/11, after the dot.coms went dot.boom, and I was completely unaccustomed the the Brave New Job Market of the time. I mean, I used to get interviews WITHOUT a cover letter at all! For writing positions! I didn't even officially have a college degree yet! But if I stuck my resume out the window with enough technical buzzwords on it, demonstrating that I did indeed understand this double-u-double-u-double-u-dot Internet stuff, I could at least earn the right to show up and embarrass my under-qualified self in person.
Not so, once I really, REALLY needed a job. I wrote up a cover letter using some boring online template thing, a letter just like I'd been taught to write in college, and sent that sucker out over and over again. Sometimes I just swapped out company names and job titles, with cursory edits to include the most relevant experiences and skills. It probably reeked of a form letter and put hiring managers to sleep. I did have a couple versions of my resume (for technical writing, general editorial, marketing, etc.) since I was too terrified to care too much about a specific career path anymore. But as the weeks ticked by and the phone stayed silent, I realized that I needed a new approach.
So...I started writing custom cover letters for every. Job. Posting. I replied to. Like you're supposed to do. I sent out fewer resumes per day and week, but quality over quantity seemed like it was worth trying. A few things I learned from my experience (and later, when I landed my dream editor job and actually became the interviewer/hiring manager myself):
1) Don't just read and respond to the job posting. Research the company, as if you've already landed the interview. Spend time on their website. Make sure you have a clear idea of what they do/sell/produce. This will also help you gauge what KIND of cover letter will be appropriate. Are they a big Fortune 500 with a conservative business culture? A law firm? Best to stick with a short, professional letter. Are they a small innovative design firm with a ping-pong table and an emphasis on being "cool?" Scrap the traditional letter and send something more creative.
2) On that note, incorporate the company into your letter. Not just "my previous experience with blah, blah, blah is relevant to your needs because blaaaaaah." Maybe include a paragraph about your experiences with their products, about something they've done as a company that's inspired you. Make sure your letter suggests that this is a job you want because you really want to work there and you know you would kick ass at it, instead of: This Apparently Relevant Job Showed Up On My Monster.com Auto-Search Email Alerts.
3) AVOID THE MEANINGLESS AND INANE. Oh, my God. The number of boring cover letters I read that opened with either "Dear Sir/Madam, My name is " or "I came across your job posting at such-and-such and am submitting my resume for consideration..." Really? You came across our JOB POSTING? Clearly, you are brilliant, as everybody else is just randomly submitting resumes for no particular reason. Cover letters should always, always be under one page in length so make sure to cut the pointless jabber.
4) Try to learn a little about the hiring process. If possible, figure out if your resume goes directly to the hiring manager or if it will get filtered through HR. Stuff sent through an HR department needs to clearly state how you fit the stated qualifications, above all else. Make your first sentence something relevant, like "I am an editor with 10 years' experience in both web and print publishing." BOOM. Main criteria pile, here you come. If you are submitting your resume directly to the actual person conducting actual interviews, you still want to make sure you're hitting the main requirements, but this is the time when it might be worth incorporating a little more creativity and displaying that asked-for sense of humor.
5) Appropriate creativity will get you noticed. My company published subscription-based monthly financial newsletters. I knew that we weren't the dream job for entry-level editorial assistants. Most of them thought of "publishing" as books or Vogue or The Washington Post. And a lot of bland, bored cover letters told me that. So if, say, someone took the time to write their cover letter and resume IN THE FORM OF A NEWSLETTER (true story!), you KNOW they were getting called in for an interview, even if other candidates were a bit stronger "on paper." Other ideas I've heard involve writing a Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Hire Me list, or sending your letter and resume packaged like the company's product. (Specifically, inside a cereal box that an ad firm represented, and the letter opened with "It's true. I'm a better prize than a secret decoder pin.") Sense of humor? Check!
Of course, it's risky. "Noticed" does not equal "hired." You're pulling a stunt and it may rub an grouchy HR person the wrong way. They might assume you're trying to gloss over a deficiency in your education and experience...or they may send your stuff right over to the hiring manager in a "dude, you've GOT to check this out" kind of way. Which...might be a little farther than your resume would have made it otherwise. If you aren't getting any interviews to begin with, you might want to gamble a little bit, since what else have you got to lose?
(Besides being the next Aleksey Vayner. Tip: Don't submit anything that could end up on YouTube.)
Humor in a cover letter doesn't have to be wacky, though, or uber-obvious. It just...comes through, when you're writing something that you're genuinely excited about. I mean, the email that you sent to this advice column clearly conveys a sense of humor, no knock-knock joke or a naughty limerick required! And I bet you just WROTE THAT, all by yourself, instinctively knowing how to hit that right blend of funny/interesting and get your question plucked out of a hundred others.
Instead of worrying about hitting the "sense of humor" bullet point directly, try scrapping your current (possibly dry and getting a little form-ish?) letter outline and start writing them from scratch for each job you apply for, in a more natural tone, sans any over-thinking.
I know that job-hunting can be soul crushing. Oh God, I know. And sometimes you start putting up natural defenses to keep the rejection and disappointment from becoming too much. And sometimes this shows in your writing, and unfortunately, no one wants to hire someone who already sounds detached, jaded and totally bored with themselves. Let yourself get excited about these jobs and companies and your writing will probably reflect that excitement... AND something a little closer to your actual personality rather than your business-suit-wearing professional alter-ego.]]>
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So I went online and ordered a bag of Charlie's Soap Powder, as it's one of the most universally recommended brands for cloth diapers. $15 for an 80-load bag at Amazon (buying two bags qualifies you for free shipping) comes to about 18 cents a load, compared to 26 cents a load for a comparable truly "green" detergent like Seventh Generation. PLUS, you actually don't use a full scoop or load's worth for diapers. You use maybe about half, if that, if you're doing a biiiiig stinky load. Thus an 80-load bag will actually wash about 160 loads of diapers. (We have an ancient top-loaders, but Charlie's is He-compatible as well.)
ANYWAY, long story short, we now use Charlie's Soap Powder">Charlie's Soap Powder exclusively, for all of our laundry. It is The Awesome. No fragrance, no residue, no build-up, no skin irritation. Our clothes just smell CLEAN. Like, CLEAN FABRIC. It's crazy that I'd actually forgotten what that smelled like, after years of Spring Meadow Blossom Breeze or whatever the hell. My husband (who also has severe problems with winter dry skin and fragrance irritation) is absolutely in love with it, and definitely thinks it's worth the little extra hassle of ordering vs. buying at Target. Luckily, since one bag lasts so long, even with full-time use, we're actually not buying detergent nearly as often as we used to, so remembering to re-order is not the Big Thing I feared it would be.
So, while Charlie's Soap has worked terrifically for us, you DO probably want to just start off slowly, with one bag, just in case. The instructions recommend sending a scoop through an empty wash cycle or two just to thoroughly rinse away any remnants of your old detergent. Then try it out on some of your stepdaughter's clothes -- Charlie's is recommended specifically for sensitive/eczema-prone skin AND infants' laundry, but of course that's no guarantee that NO ONE out there will have a reaction to it.
(I must also add how thoroughly charmed I am by the packaging of Charlie's -- it comes in a plain fabric sack, like something you pick up at a old timey general store, and on the topic of fragrance, the bag simply says: You want flowers, go pick some. HA!)
More Cloth Diaper Articles:
1) Cloth Diapering 101, Part One (aka Lazy Mom's Guide to Cloth Diapering)
2) Cloth Diapering 101, Part Two
3) Cloth Diapering 101, Part Three
4) The Straight Poop on Cloth Diapers (aka dealing with poop)
5) Cloth Diapering & The Older Baby
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Photo from Milky Way Lactation
Hi Amy,
I'm a HUGE fan and plan to write you a separate gushing email soon about how your blog and various columns got me through my pregnancy. But for now, I have a question, and I'm sorry, it's really long! It may not be something you can answer, but I thought I'd give it a shot.
Two weeks ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I knew I wanted to breastfeed, and for the most part, it's gone very well. The most important thing is happening - the baby is totally thriving. She's a voracious eater and was up above her birth weight at her one-week doctor's checkup, without me having to supplement at all; my supply has been right on target. I am also lucky that both my mother and my mother-in-law breastfed and believe it in strongly, and my husband is a fan as well, so I have a lot of support and encouragement.
My problem is regarding nipple shields. The first time I fed her in the recovery room, she couldn't get latched on, but I chalked up a lot of that to my position at the time, as I was flat on my back being stitched up after a difficult vaginal birth (forceps, anyone? yes, please, and I'll have a fourth-degree tear on the side). Then in the postpartum room we tried again. At this point I had been up for about 26 hours and the very pushy nurse popped a nipple shield on me without really explaining why or what it was supposed to do, then put the baby on to feed. I went with it and things went okay in the hospital, although somewhat painful. I asked the lactation consultant who stopped by just before we checked out (and didn't really seem interested in answering our questions) about it, and she said something like "keep using it until you don't need to anymore" before leaving.
The next day at the first pediatrician visit, I talked to the lactation consultant there, who informed me that part of the extreme pain I felt when she latched on was probably due to the nipple shield I had being two sizes too small. She brought me a proper fitting one and told me I had inverted nipples, and again said something about working my way off the shield, but didn't really answer my questions about how and when to do that. Breastfeeding got less painful with the larger shield, but I still felt like something wasn't right, so I took matters into my own hands and scheduled a home visit with a THIRD lactation consultant from the Breastfeeding Center here in DC. She came over and was lovely, and got the baby to latch on without the shield, which we did successfully a few times. But it still hurt like hell right when she latched on, and that time and the times since that I've tried to feed her without the shield (which I have been able to do, and felt very proud of both of us), she's done a number on my nipples and made subsequent feedings more painful.
The nipple shield was not something covered in the breastfeeding class I took or any of the info that I read, so I felt totally blindsided by it and now like I'm completely dependent on it. The current status is that I'm still using it every feeding, and despite a few seconds of initial pain when she latches that I still have, 1-2 minutes later there's no pain at all, and the vast majority of the time I spend feeding her is downright pleasant. But while all three lactation consultants have advised me to get off the shield when I can, start by popping it off mid-feeding and get her latched on, etc., none of them will give me a straight answer of what will go wrong if I don't.
That's my question for you. Do you know if there are problems with just always using the nipple shield? What could the negative impact be on the baby? On me? Is there a time by which I don't get off of it, it will cause issues with feeding later or something? This damn piece of silicone has me SO stressed out, and I just don't feel ready to give it up yet. I may eventually, but for now, (1) my nipples are still raw, (2) my baby has a tiny mouth - she was pretty little and there's only so much areola she can take in to get a good latch, (3) my baby is also not a patient soul and screams when she's not fed rightthissecond, and latching without the shield usually takes multiple tries, and (4) I'm still hurting in other places from the delivery and just trying to avoid any extra pain when I can. I feel so guilty when I finish each feeding without even trying to do it without the shield, but I can't bring myself to let her tear me open again. What would be the downside of waiting until she has a bigger mouth and my nipples are more healed before trying again? Or just using it until I go back to work and she's drinking pumped milk from a bottle most of the time?
Thanks so much in advance for any advice you have.
~Anonymous
First, let me make one thing super clear: I am not a lactation consultant nor anything close to a breastfeeding expert. I also have zero personal experience with nipple shields or inverted nipples. In summary, I am the most woefully under-qualified person you could possibly take your question to.
Got it? Okay! Now let me ramble on for many more paragraphs.
From MY understanding, there are two "real" potential problems with long-term nipple shield use, hence all the pressure on you to wean your baby (and yourself) from it: First, they can cause supply problems, as your baby is unable to really suck deeply from your breast. Thus, she doesn't empty your boob, you produce less milk, you are at a higher risk for clogged ducts and mastitis, oh, joy.
The second problem can crop up when you introduce bottles. Your baby is already accustomed to the taste and feel of a silicone shield, and may more rapidly develop a preference for bottles, as they have the same feel in her mouth but don't require so much work on her part. As the mother of a kid with oral motor issues, I can attest that yes, this does happen, even without the shield. It's not insurmountable (I highly recommend using preemie-flow nipples instead of level ones), but combined with supply issues, it's also not something I'd wave away as not worth worrying about.
Of course, the supply issues/baby not getting all your milk are POTENTIAL problems. It certainly doesn't sound like you have any, with a chubby thriving baby. If you're concerned, you can always try pumping for five or 10 minutes after feedings -- this way you're guaranteed to make sure your boobs are empty (less risk of clogged ducts) AND sort-of trick your body into thinking you need to make more milk than you actually do. (And it's all a balancing act, as you don't want to veer into oversupply territory either. WTH, boobs.) If your daughter continues to gain weight and thrive, pee and poop after feedings, etc., you are likely making enough and she is likely getting enough, even with the shield.
The other problems I've seen listed as "cons" for nipple shields basically amount to: You should wean from nipple shields because it can be incredibly difficult to wean from nipple shields. Um. Okay then.
So. Onto the inverted nipple thing. If you aren't on a hospital-grade breast pump, get one. Watch your boobs in the shield and see if it's able to draw out the nipple. Even if it can't at first, from what I've read, it can with time, since flat and inverted nipples are often caused by adhesions that need to be broken. (OW. GOD. I AM SORRY.) If you see that the pump can pretty easily draw your nipples out, then it could be time to try going shield-less with your daughter again.
As for the pain: if you are able to get her to latch correctly, the pain WILL decrease and stop once your nipples heal -- though there is some overlap. However, if her latch is as bad as you make it sound, you will get trapped in a endless cycle of her mouth inflicting more damage to your nipples as soon as you heal. Waiting until she's a bit bigger and able to latch correctly (i.e. bypassing the nipple and getting her mouth around the areola instead) before ditching the shield is probably not going to be the end of the world, particularly if you're using a breast pump to offset any potential supply problems in the meantime. I would probably say it's still a good idea to occasionally whip the shield off mid-feeding (once your milk is really flowing and she's really into it), but definitely find some balance so you can stop stressing about this so much. Balance, and a prescription for some All-Purpose Nipple Ointment (APNO). It's the greatest stuff in the world. (OF ALL TIME!)
(Oh, and has anyone checked her out for a tongue-tie? Little flappy skin thing under her tongue? Have you seen her tongue stick out past her bottom lip? Or does it stay in her mouth and look like the top of a heart? Because MAN, that nonsense HURTS, and makes a good latch all but impossible.)
But...you know, I KNOW of women who never managed to get their babies weaned from the shield. It sometimes is a necessary evil for preemies and inverted nipples (though it sounds like your nurse really jumped the gun by giving you one, but hey, I don't think you're allowed to be a breastfeeding mother without having a story about some TERRIFICALLY BAD ADVICE you got from someone). You're feeding the baby. That's rule number one. Rule number two is to maintain your milk supply. That's where the shield MIGHT work against you, but it might not, and there might be other solutions to that problem if you encounter it on the shield. (Pumping, herbs, teas, Domperidone, etc.)
I'm guessing there are some readers out there who can chime in with some first-hand experiences with nipple shields and how to wean from one and what can happen if you don't. So I shall pass the microphone to them. Good luck.