Advice Smackdown tag:www.alphamom.com,2008:/smackdown//8 2008-05-16T16:33:22Z Movable Type 3.33 Housing Crisis: Staying With the In-Laws tag:www.alphamom.com,2008:/smackdown//8.1089 2008-05-16T14:49:21Z 2008-05-16T16:33:22Z Dear Amy, My question doesn't have anything to do with beauty advice, but rather how to avoid seeming like an elitist snob when I'm at my in-laws' family reunion this summer. You give such great advice and are a creative... Amy http://alphamom.com/smackdown Dear Amy, My question doesn't have anything to do with beauty advice, but rather how to avoid seeming like an elitist snob when I'm at my in-laws' family reunion this summer. You give such great advice and are a creative thinker; I thought maybe you could help me. Here's the deal. My husband's parents have a large log home in the Rockies where the family reunion will take place over an extended weekend. It's an absolutely gorgeous location, and this house means the world to them. However, no one actually lives in the house, it gets exposed to some extreme weather conditions, and isn't always in the greatest condition. Local wildlife tends to take up residence in the house when people are away for so long. This summer, the place is going to be jammed with people-- so many, in fact, that there aren't enough beds for everyone and people will have to sleep in every room but the kitchen and dining room. My husband, my son and I have been assigned a bedroom, but it's really awful. It's in the basement, there are no windows, no air circulation, and it smells rank...like mold, mouse poop, and left-over rats' nests in the walls. All of which are distinct possibilities. We're very familiar with the room, as we're always assigned to it. We didn't complain in the past because we were trying to be polite guests, we wanted to free up the nicer rooms for families with children, it does have a (spider infested) bathroom that we have to ourselves, and it's at least quiet down there. This room is euphemistically referred to as the "Winter Suite" by my father-in-law. Everyone else in the family calls it The Dungeon. In the past I've just taken one for the team and stayed down there, but this year is different because my husband and I have a baby. Our son will be almost 9 months old at the time of the reunion. I'm a pretty laid-back, nature-loving gal but the thought of staying in the room with our baby and THAT kind of "nature" makes me very uncomfortable. I had a really privileged childhood and my husband's family has had to work very hard for the things that they have. This house is a treasure to them; I would never want to hurt their feelings, and I'm trying not to come across as a snob. But I do not want to stay in that awful room. I brought this up with my husband and his solution was to attempt assigning rooms so that no one stays down there. I don't know how that's possible with such a large number of people coming. I even thought about pitching a tent outside but the property is on too steep an incline, plus there are bears in the area. So…how do I gracefully get out of this situation? Help me, oh Great Amalah! Thanks, Trapped in the Dungeon dungeon.jpgYou know what you do? You do what you're going to find yourself doing a lot, now that you have a baby. YOU BLAME THE BABY. Have you ever met one of those couples who get a dog and then use said dog as an excuse to bail early on dinner parties or why they have to cut out from work because the dog always has to go to the vet or be let out or I don't know, boss, the puppy's poop just looked a little strange to me this morning, I better stay home today in case she ate some curling ribbon. And of course everybody puts up with it because they don't want to look like they HATE PUPPIES or anything, but deep down everyone thinks things like, "Oh my hell, it's a dog. Let it crap on the linoleum once in awhile and GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE." Babies are like puppies times infinity. They always need to see the doctor, they are always leaking something suspicious, there is always a strange diaper to worry about and the best part is that no one will dare question you about any of it because it's your BABY, ZOMGZ. So...I'm sure some people are going to be horrified at the suggestion of lying, but unless you want to just straight up speak up and demand that someone else take a turn in the Dungeon, or that the rooms get assigned randomly each year, by picking numbers out of a hat or something, you're going to have to resort to some subterfuge. And I'm personally more okay with avoidance tactics when it comes to the in-laws -- it's your husband's job to sort this out, really, but unless he has a damn good excuse himself, I can see how the room demands could easily still get blamed on you and your princess-and-the-pea complex, or something. So...blame the baby. Tell the in-laws that your son is just getting over a cold or a respiratory infection, and while your doctor has cleared him for travel, he thinks it is very important to keep him in well-ventilated areas and away from dampness and allergens. Say he has a very bad mold allergy and you've been told to avoid prolonged time in basements. Say you're worried he won't sleep in a room without a window because that's what he's used to. Say you need to be closer to the kitchen in case he needs a bottle in the middle of the night. SOMETHING. You get the idea. Sure, you might sound overly-neurotic and fussy, but I think most people will give you a pass because first-time parents are SUPPOSED to be overly-neurotic and fussy. While your father-in-law might not fully get that the Dungeon is undesirable, I bet there are at least a few other family members who will completely sympathize with the idea of keeping a small baby down in a moldy dank room. Personally, I think a lottery would be a good system to implement, but if your husband can't get the family to go along with that this year now that rooms have already been assigned, do what you have to do and make concern-y noises about your son's health and allergies. Then insist on random assignments next year, or rent yourselves a Winnebago.]]> Smackdown Updates: Sunscreen, Teeth Whiteners, Field Trips & Handbag Dilemmas tag:www.alphamom.com,2008:/smackdown//8.1087 2008-05-15T08:36:32Z 2008-05-15T14:38:25Z Thank you SO MUCH to everybody who sent in updates to past questions! These were all really great to read. If you've got an update to a past question and would like to share what worked (or what didn't work),... Amy http://alphamom.com/smackdown updates to past questions! These were all really great to read. If you've got an update to a past question and would like to share what worked (or what didn't work), please drop me a line at amyadvice AT gmail.com, with UPDATE or something similar in the subject line. And now, on with...well, YOUR show. The original question is linked in each header, and any additional thoughts from me are italicized. (Because I always have additional thoughts. My brain is like a popcorn maker sometimes.) UPDATE ON: Sunscreen That Won't Sting Your Eyes Hi Amy: After your answer to my question about sunscreen that won't make my eyes sting, I purchased a mineral sunscreen from Paula's Choice. I like Paula's Choice products because they are always fragrance free, and Paula is a real "no BS" person when it comes to telling which ingredients do what they say and which ingredients are just cosmetics companies putting their hands in your pocket. In fact, I sent a question about my stinging eyes to her too, after purchasing a foundation with SPF in it from her that stung the crap out of my eyes, but never got an answer. The Paula's mineral sunscreen is only SPF 15, so it will only be good for wearing when I'm inside at the office, but it's a start. I was concerned about using something not really formulated for the face because I don't want to clog up my pores (I have enough of that already) but I'll be testing higher SPF products before summer hits. I'm in the Pacific Northwest and we had snow two weeks ago (seriously!), so I've got time! Thanks for taking the time to answer my question! Chellebelle Awesome! I'm so glad you found something that works. The Paula's Choice definitely fits the bill I suspected would work: a physical sunscreen with just titanium dioxide and zinc oxide, and NO avobenzone. So now you just need to find a similar formula in a higher SPF for summer, but at least you know you've successfully tracked down the eye-burning culprit. Let us know if you find some other recommendation-worthy options. UPDATE ON: Teeth Whiteners Hey Amy: I saw your call out to people who had used your advice and wanted to report back! HOORAY...I love to help you out. Okay, so I submitted a question to you about teeth whitening almost a year go. I was getting ready to go to BlogHer and I needed help with my ugly yellow teeth. You were kind enough to answer my question mere days after I submitted it. I took before/after pictures and blogged about the results on my own site. You can find that post HERE. (Looking at the pictures I posted reminds me that I really should try the whitestrips again!) Anyway...I hope this helps. And I hope you feel better soon. xoxo, Isabel Thanks, Isabel! That's actually a good reminder for me as well, because DANG, those are some great, visible, cannot-be-denied results in those photos. As for some of the downsides you and your readers mentioned: Crest almost always has coupons on their website, or will mail you one if you're willing to fork over some personal information. (Which: Ew, Crest. Just let me print out a coupon and buy your stinking product already, okay?) And for those who notice an increase in tooth sensitivity while using the strips (I don't, but my husband does), try swapping out your toothpaste with some Sensodyne for the weeks you use the strips. UPDATE ON: The Smackdown Field Trip Hi Amy -- You and I took a field trip about a year ago to Ulta, to pick out makeup in colors that actually work for me. You should feel good -- I still use the colors you picked, and Smashbox stuff is quickly becoming my go-to makeup. It took a little while to get into the habit of actually putting makeup on, and there are still a lot of days when it's foundation and lip gloss for me, but people definitely notice a difference between when I have the makeup, and when I don't. Including my 5-year-old daughter, and kids can be painfully blunt sometimes. I've added to the eye shadows I've got at this point, but all are still in the same range of colors you and I selected. And Smashbox stopped making the color of lip gloss we picked out, but I found another in a color very close. All in all, the trip was a success for me, because I was finally able to figure out what colors I should be wearing. I've had some professional photos taken by a close friend, and it gave me a confidence boost to know I had appropriate makeup. And I've gone with one friend to Ulta and let the saleswoman try all kinds of colors on her. My friend asked if I wanted to ask her about colors, and the woman looked at me and said "her colors are just fine." So, you know, thanks. Shannon Oh God, I cannot even tell you how awesome this is to hear. I'm kvelling! Picking out makeup colors -- even for myself -- can still be a little daunting, so I'm glad to hear your five-year-old didn't like, mistake you for Ronald McDonald or something when you got home. UPDATE ON: The Gifts That Keep On Giving You an Insecurity Complex Hi Amy, I've been meaning to write and thank you for responding to my letter about the purse/earrings gift problem I had (May 5th), and your call for follow-ups made me get off my lazy ass and actually do it. I have definitely been wearing the earrings more often (especially when I am sure my roommates will see them, and they are actually growing on me.) I have been slacking on the purse, though - those 30 seconds it takes to transfer things (I know, I don't have that many things) is just so, um, taxing on my poor, overworked soul. Anyway, the best thing about your response was that it helped me take the socially awkward, neurotic side of myself by the shoulders and say, "Self! Chill out and suck it up! There are cyclones in Burma and earthquakes in China and yeah, just CHILL OUT. IT IS A PURSE." Thanks! Pursed Lips Eh, so you save the purse for when your current one wears out. Or not. The important thing is that you are chilling out, which is by far my most favorite state of being. The Advice Smackdown: Now 43% More Zen!]]> The Tracks of Your Tears: How to Repair Your Makeup After Crying tag:www.alphamom.com,2008:/smackdown//8.1084 2008-05-12T15:12:55Z 2008-05-15T17:03:03Z How to Repair Your Makeup After Crying Hi Amy, I have a somewhat strange question to ask. I am about to go through a number of events (an IVF cycle, a close friend's wedding, sister's graduation) where I will definitely... Amy http://alphamom.com/smackdown How to Repair Your Makeup After Crying Hi Amy, I have a somewhat strange question to ask. I am about to go through a number of events (an IVF cycle, a close friend's wedding, sister's graduation) where I will definitely be crying, but still need to look presentable. What kinds of make up products or creams or anything else you can think of, should I be keeping in my purse to help me get rid of the red/pouffy eyes and splotchy skin that comes with all the crying I'm expecting in the next few months? I've kind of given up on mascara and my normal foundation doesn't seem to be up to the job of covering the redness. I use an Almay waterproof mascara and Smashbox foundation (which I generally love). Thank you in advance. Trying to get the red out Focus on Repair Tools tissues.jpgThere aren't really any cosmetics out there that are 100% guaranteed to withstand crying, so I'd probably focus on making sure you have the proper repair tools for afterwards, rather than stocking up on stage pancake makeup and ultra-waterproof mascara. That emotional redness is going to show through just about every foundation known to man, and eye makeup is going to run, but with proper handbag stocking you can get back to presentable-looking pretty easily. As someone very prone to tearing up in public, this is the routine I use. Often. (I can't make it through movie trailers these days without crying, and the last movie I saw in the theater was Horton Hears a Who, so you can only imagine how easy it is to set me off.) Do Not Rub Your Eyes The first rule of crying in your makeup is to NOT RUB YOUR EYES. Don't frantically press a tissue over your eyelid or blindly wipe under your eyes with your fingers. To stem the flow of tears and mascara lines when you're not in front of a mirror, simply fold a tissue several times and gently blot your face below your lash line, particularly in that leaky inner corner. Again, no rubbing -- you aren't trying to remove makeup here, just trying to catch what you can before the black streaks reach your chin. And finally, don't hunch over, but tilt your head back and let your tears and makeup roll back into your tear ducts. (Don't worry, we'll fix any eyeball irritation in a sec.) Blot with Tissue Now it's time to haul ass to the ladies and fix the damage. Obviously you can't just wash your face and start from scratch, so we're just going to Macguyver our way through this. Blot with that folded dry tissue some more, lifting and lightening the eye makeup as much as you can. Now wet another folded tissue (no. paper. towels. or one-ply commercial toilet paper. bring a pocket pack of soft tissue.) with a little bit of tap water and blot again. The fold is important so you can have a nice firm corner to absorb more from right under your lash line. Use Non-Waterproof Mascara. You read correctly. Personally, and this may sound off-the-wall to a lot of you, I prefer non-waterproof mascara, PARTICULARLY when I know there's going to be some waterworks. I've never found a waterproof mascara that holds up beyond a small drizzle of tears, and they are a BITCH to get off your face and eyes afterwards. Unless you can bring some cotton balls and eye-makeup solvent, I feel better with something I can wipe away with tissue and tap water. Use Eye Drops Next, apply some eye drops to take care of the red eyes and immediate puffiness. Nothing gives you away faster than bloodshot eyeballs, so good old Visine will mask this sign of crying AND will help cool your eyes and ducts down. My eyes always get hot and sensitive when I cry, which is why I sometimes have a problem stopping the tears even after I've calmed down. Eye drops help. (So do wet tea bags or cucumber slices from the reception's crudite platter, but I suppose these solutions might be a little...WEIRD to some people in your average public restroom.) Tricks for Blotchy Skin Now, for the blotchy redness on your face...there are a few tricks I know of. One, obviously, is deep breaths and firmly applying a warm (NOT cold) paper towel to your cheeks and neck. Pressing your fingertips around your face can also help prompt your skin to snap back to a normal circulation pattern. (Give yourself some TIME too -- don't get even more flushed by cursing at yourself to get it together already.) Re-apply Make-up Re-applying a very light layer of moisturizer (particularly one with cooling ingredients like cucumber or aloe, or one with a little tint), can help calm things down too. (I know, moisturizer over foundation = clog city, but if we're talking WEDDING PHOTOS here, you gotta do what you've gotta do. Then you gotta treat yourself to regular facials during your IVF cycle.) If your skin tends to get a little shiny, blotting papers are a good thing to have handy. Mine is usually oily, but crying always brings out the dry tightness, so I opt to go with a sample size of oil-free moisturizer instead. I've tried using my eye cream, but found that even the gentlest of applications just made things worse after all the blotting and dabbing, plus it's just another damn thing to pack, so now I opt to just leave them alone, save for maybe a tiny touch of moisturizer to smooth out creased or shiny eyeshadow. P201441_hero.jpgAnd now it's time to rebuild. Apply a green-tinted concealer or make-up base to any remaining redness on your nose and face, and use a white or cream-colored eye pencil to the inner corners of your eyes. Blot some pressed powder on your eyelids and over the green concealer to blend. DON'T bother re-applying mascara -- you'll look spider-y and clump-y. Instead, use eyeliner to redefine your lash line. (Provided you don't think there will be any more crying fits.) (And I hope it goes without saying that the eyeliner pencil should start the day in your bag, NOT on your face. That's just another eye mess you don't need.) The eyeliner will also keep you from looking too make-up-less afterwards, i.e. like you DIDN'T just spend 15 minutes in the ladies' room cleaning up tarantula tracks off your face. The Weepy Girl's Emergency Handbag Repair Kit:
  • Pocket pack of tissues
  • Oil-blotting papers
  • Redness-reducing eye drops
  • Sample- or travel-size oil-free facial moisturizer
  • Travel-sized green or yellow-tinted concealer or primer, such as Smashbox, Clinique or Benefit.
  • Light-colored eye pencil, such as Benefit's It Stick, Mr. Frosty or Eye Bright
  • Black or brown eyeliner pencil.
  • Oil-free pressed powder, such as Almay or Neutrogena.
]]> The Every-Other-Month Cycle Blues tag:www.alphamom.com,2008:/smackdown//8.1076 2008-05-09T15:29:31Z 2008-05-15T17:04:52Z Hiya Amy, Since google is our best, and worst of friends...You are the one I thought to turn to regarding fertility, ovulation etc... I am 21, started having periods when I was 14-and they have continued to be pretty normal/regular... Amy http://alphamom.com/smackdown Hiya Amy, Since google is our best, and worst of friends...You are the one I thought to turn to regarding fertility, ovulation etc... I am 21, started having periods when I was 14-and they have continued to be pretty normal/regular since. I went on birth control (the pill) when I was 17, switched to the ring, and now have gone off of it altogether since November. I'm not exactly trying to conceive-but we aren't trying not to-if you get what I mean. So here is the problem-my periods have been coming (and not coming) every other month. I've googled this and found that women are going on about how one ovary may not be producing an egg, but I've also read that sometimes it just takes a really long time to get back into the normal cycle after birth control. I know that I should just go to the doctor to sort this out, that he'll most likely give me a pill to jump start my periods and get them regular again, but I've just been kind of waiting for them to sort themselves out. (I'm in a new place, don't have my own doctor...nervous about finding a new one to gawk at my bits) Do you have any advice for me? Did it take long for you to regulate after birth control? Is there any natural remedy I could try to get those dreaded periods back again? Thanks so much, Amy! -e. You need to find a doctor. Even if you have no intention of going back on birth control and "know" that's just what they're gonna give you, you still need to find one. So you aren't officially trying...but not trying not to...trust me, many women manage to get themselves perfectly knocked up with just one functioning ovary. And when that happens your first phone call needs to be to a doctor. So. Scooch. Get on that. And now! To the real question. I never really regulated after birth control, but I was never regular before birth control. So my experience here doesn't really apply. I have absolutely nothing to support this, but it seems to me a LOT of women take about six months to get things back to normal after the pill, which would mean your experience since November would be completely normal. Some women take even longer. Usually a year marks the time to start worrying. Only a doctor (yes, that, again) can determine for sure that one ovary is not releasing an egg, although with your age I'd imagine they wouldn't be chomping at the bit to pump you full of dye and check for blocked tubes or whatnot, and I bet they'll tell you to just wait a bit longer -- women experience temporary irregular patches in their cycles all the time thanks to stress and diet and a zillion environmental factors, and it's probably way too soon for you to be self-diagnosing yourself with any of Google's darker diagnoses. So. What are your options? Well, one, go to a doctor but make it clear that you have no interest in going back on the pill. Birth control suppresses ovulation, it doesn't jumpstart it, and it is not the right prescription for someone who is trying to get their system back up to full egg-releasing power. Progesterone, on the other hand, can trigger a period when you aren't having one. (When I cycled with Clomid I started out with a week of progesterone to force my non-existent period to appear, and then started counting out my cycle days from there.) paraben-free-pro-gest_lg.jpgYou can get natural progesterone creams at health food stores and other crunchy places. This was something that a LOT of online people suggested for me this time around, when my cycles remained wildly irregular but I was dedicated to avoiding fertility treatments. It's mostly marketed as a menopause treatment, but I did pick up a tube of it (Emerita Pro-Gest) at Whole Foods and it included instructions for women in their reproductive years. Basically, do nothing for the first 14 days of your cycle (the day your period hits is day one) and then rub a small amount of cream anywhere on your body for the next 14 days. (For a 28-day cycle; you can adjust the use as needed for whatever length your cycle usually is.) I bought the cream but always hesitated to use it. What if this was the month I got pregnant? Should I still use it during the two-week-wait? Is this stuff really safe? (I can be just as skeptical -- sometimes even MORE skeptical -- of "natural" remedies that don't really have to be held accountable or tested for safety as much as their "chemical" counterparts.) Pro-Gest is nothing new, but I remained wary, despite an even dozen of testimonials sitting in my inbox from women who used it. So it mostly sat in my drawer, unused. I did, however, drink this stuff, which I've mentioned before. Raspberry leaf tea. It seemed less hormone-dabbly and safer, plus the package specifically mentioned that it could be used during pregnancy and breastfeeding. I drank it whenever I remembered (i.e. NOT as frequently as the three-cups-a-day recommended on the box) and ta-da! I was pregnant in no time. Do I heap all the thanks on the teabags? Nah. But who knows? It certainly didn't hurt. And finally, pick up a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility. Personally, this book didn't really teach me much I didn't already know (cough obsessive Googling cough) and certainly didn't hold the magic cure for me, but about 99.9% of the rest of the fertile world will swear it's life-changing. It's a good primer, I think, especially since there's no denying that a lot of us are woefully under-informed about the more subtle workings of our own reproductive systems. If you do decide at some point to move into the "actively trying" stage and are still dealing with an every-other-month cycle, this book will teach you how to make the most out of the fertile months you've got. ]]> Call to the Bullpen: An Official Invite for Former Smackdown Question-Asker People tag:www.alphamom.com,2008:/smackdown//8.1075 2008-05-08T15:00:30Z 2008-05-15T17:05:36Z After reading the Itchy Boobs post, I thought it would be interesting to see some kind of follow up on some of your more "out there" questions. Did your advice work, what ended up being the cause, that kind of... Amy http://alphamom.com/smackdown After reading the Itchy Boobs post, I thought it would be interesting to see some kind of follow up on some of your more "out there" questions. Did your advice work, what ended up being the cause, that kind of thing. Thanks! Jennifer I've gotten several requests for formal follow-up columns, and since I am currently very suddenly dying from a terrible head cold and feelings of murderous rage every time my husband (who got me sick in the first place, what with his "job" and his "friends" and his "leaving the house occasionally") can happily reach for the Nyquil while I'm trying to survive on tea and Puffs Plus with Vicks, I am going to waste an entire column with what easily could have been a quick little aside somewhere. Hi! Have you submitted a question to the Smackdown? A question that has actually been answered? (I know, I know, that second part is a grumbly sticking point for a lot of you, what with my dart-board question-selection system.) Did any of the advice (from me or the comments) do the trick? Or did you solve your stringy hair-itchy-boob-zit-bonanza-relationship-crisis on your own, and would you be willing to share your new-found wisdom with the class? Send your updates, stories, before-and-after photos or anything else you wouldn't mind seeing published here to amyadvice AT gmail.com. (I have gotten a few follow-up letters to some of the more personal life-drama questions in the past, but they usually request that no further details show up on the Internet.) Please clearly indicate somewhere in the subject line that you're submitting a follow-up. It doesn't have to be anything long or involved (and hopefully we won't get any emails that say "I bought Philosophy's Hope in a Jar and IT RUINED MY MARRIAGE!!!"), just let us all know how you're doing and what ended up working FOR YOU. I'll try to publish them in batches, so as not to take too much space away from the hundreds of still-unanswered questions languishing in the queue. Your homework for today's comment section, however? Pregnancy-safe, natural cold remedies, particularly for the "oh my god there's a jackhammer in my sinuses and sandpaper in my throat" type of cold. Bleeeeeeeargh. Don't forget to follow Amalah's pregnancy adventures at her Weekly Pregnancy Calendar. ]]> The Etiquette of Gift-Getting tag:www.alphamom.com,2008:/smackdown//8.1069 2008-05-05T13:55:28Z 2008-05-15T17:06:28Z Hi Amy, Thank God for your column! I need a fashion critic and a Dear Abby all rolled into one, and at least in the corner of the Internet that I frequent, you're it! Recently, I had a birthday, and... Amy http://alphamom.com/smackdown Hi Amy, Thank God for your column! I need a fashion critic and a Dear Abby all rolled into one, and at least in the corner of the Internet that I frequent, you're it! Recently, I had a birthday, and two of my good friends bought me a purse and a pair of earrings. The purse is cute, and so are the earrings, but the thing is? I'm not really an accessories kind of girl. Some of your readers may not believe this, but I even wear the same pair of shoes every day! Shocking, I know! And, until my birthday, I had one pair of earrings that I'd wear occasionally (probably less than once a month), and I had one purse that I used about 364 of the last 365 days. The purse I love. It's just the right size for all my stuff, and it's easy to find things in. I bought it a year ago at Banana Republic, and it looks like this: ashburysmallshoulderbag.jpg In my non-accessorizer opinion, it's casual enough not to look ridiculous when I'm wearing jeans and a t-shirt (which is most of the time), and it's nice enough to use when I go out to a nice dinner with my boyfriend (nice for us being somewhere between the Olive Garden and a place where people know the name of the chef.) Of course, I could be completely wrong, and I think that's part of the problem, because I'm thinking, why would you give a purse to a girl who's not that into accessories? Oh! Maybe because her purse is ugly and/or out of style! So I guess that's part one of my question - is it really that bad? Or maybe it's a number-of-purses problem - Is it just as awkward for people to see me with the same purse every day as it would be if they repeatedly saw me with spinach between my teeth? Give it to me straight, I can handle it! Part two of my dilemma is that the friends I mentioned are actually my roommates. So they KNOW if I am using the new purse or wearing the new earrings. When I am, they get super excited (literally, "You're wearing the earrings!!! Yay!!!") So, am I obliged to keep using the gifts? Because I don't want them to think that I don't like the presents - I do like them, they're very cute! They're just not really my thing. Thanks so much, Pursed Lips Wow, so much drama involved in a simple purse question! Let me see if I can avoid tangents long enough to cover everything here. 1) There is nothing wrong with your bag. It's very cute and stylish and casual, but since it doesn't sound like you're pairing it with cocktail dresses on a regular basis...no problem there. It's hard to tell for sure from the photo, but I guess my only thing would be that it is a very...brown brown. Great for wearing with earth tones and other brown-friendly shades, but NOT the sort of brown that looks equally appropriate with black. But again, if you don't wear much black and your go-to shoes are brown...no problem there either. Unless there are visible threads coming loose or deep cracks in the strap or other signs of wear and tear, you can go ahead and use it another 364 days. 2) That said, I think you're misinterpreting your roommate's intentions here. You have one purse and don't wear earrings -- you see it as just not your thing. They probably see it as you just don't like to spend your own money on that sort of thing, so they would treat you to something nice and new that you wouldn't otherwise buy for yourself. Is the new purse black, or dressier than the one you carry now? If so, I'd bet they were just trying to help you have more options, not knowing that having options would throw you into this tailspin of handbag angst. I don't know your friends, obviously, but I really doubt this is the passive aggressive style critique that you're concerned about. So. Now what? Since I believe their gift-giving intentions were good, I also believe you owe them some gift-recipient politeness. If you don't like swapping out handbags to match outfits, that's fine. (I don't mind it, mostly because it's the only way I can avoid the Black Hole effect, where one bag gets full of unnecessary junk and old receipts and mint wrappers and you pull your keys out and three crushed tampons fall out. Swapping colors and styles occasionally forces me to streamline -- keys, cellphone, wallet, comb, mirror, lipstick -- and toss all the extra stuff I end up stuffing in there. And....end tangent.) But if the new bag isn't significantly different than your current one, you can explain that you'd rather save it for when your current bag wears out. (Just promise to not let Purse Love blind you to wear and tear. I do that with favorite pairs of shoes.) (What? You mean these seven-year-old macrame platforms from Old Navy don't still look amazing? WHAT?) And just wear the earrings. Seriously. You know it makes them happy so...just wear them. My mother-in-law gives me amazing jewelry every year for my birthday -- it's all gorgeous stuff, handmade and funky and unique. But I have terrible luck with losing or breaking jewelry so I don't wear much unless it's a special occasion (i.e. no grabby toddlers in the vicinity). My diamond studs, wedding rings and...that's it, 99% of the time. But whenever she comes to visit, I am sure to put on one of the things she's given me. Because even though it might not be the sort of thing I wear every day, I really appreciate the time and care she puts into picking it out for me. I love seeing friends and family wearing or using the gifts I've gotten them, so I tend to believe that being a polite gift recipient doesn't always begin and end with the thank-you note. It's one thing to receive something you absolutely hate but are too timid to say something (Dear World, Please Include Gift Receipts For Every Single Gift All The Time, Sincerely Yours, Amy), but for something you like but just aren't that into, I would opt for Sucking It Up and wearing the earrings occasionally. It's not an obligation, it's just a nice thing to do. Then drop hints before your next birthday about the sort of gift that really would be "your thing." Mwa ha ha. ]]> It's a Nice Day for a White Graduation tag:www.alphamom.com,2008:/smackdown//8.1064 2008-05-02T14:28:51Z 2008-05-02T16:57:07Z Hi Amy, You are fabulous and Noah is absolutely adorable. You always give such great advice so I am hoping you can help me. For graduation I have to wear a white dress, white gloves, and white shoes. After many... Amy http://alphamom.com/smackdown Hi Amy, You are fabulous and Noah is absolutely adorable. You always give such great advice so I am hoping you can help me. For graduation I have to wear a white dress, white gloves, and white shoes. After many shopping trips I have finally found a dress that I am happy with. Unfortunately, I have not been able to find suitable shoes. The shoes must be white and closed toe. They should also be comfortable since I'll have to wear them for hours at a time. My graduation is coming up in a few weeks and I would really appreciate if you could help me find a great pair of shoes. My dress is nearly floor length but my shoes will be mostly visible. Thank you, Lauren P.S. Even if you don't post this on Advice Smackdown I would really appreciate if you have any suggestions. I've already checked many stores in San Francisco but I can't find shoes that fit the specifications that my school requires. I am hoping to not spend more than $100 on shoes since that's how much I paid for my dress. Everyone in my class seems to have already gotten shoes but the ones they bought are way more than I can afford. P.P.S. Thank you for your last article about body image. Oh man, the closed-toe thing. That's the killer here, even more than price. White shoes are typically either 1) bridal or 2) super-summery, and both of those tend to be open-toe. What does your school have against TOES? What's wrong with toes? Are they trying to protect your little white, virginal selves against those creepy foot fetishists? Because I think those guys tend to skip graduation ceremonies in favor of sitting on the computer favorite-ing shoe photos on Flickr. (TANGENT! My lands, isn't it time to do away with the head-to-toe white clothing for graduating girls? Why must we equate the admirable completion of education with a wedding, like these are similar high points in a modern woman's life? I went to my niece's graduation from a prestigious, academically-rigorous all-girls' school last year, and was kind of icked out by dozens of Ivy-league-bound young women walking down a church aisle in floor-length white dresses, clutching roses. I at least got to put a white cap and gown over my white dress back at my graduation [the boys wore red gowns, natch] so I felt vaguely more scholarly and less bride-y, at least until the reception afterwards, when all the girls sat around awkwardly in white dresses we would NEVER wear again, petrified that someone would spill punch on us.) So, obviously you know already that white closed-toe shoes are just not that common. I couldn't find anything at most department stores, and then smaller stores were all kind of...teenybopper and cheap-looking. Searching for that exact term online predictably turns up a lot of prom boutiques and the same two or three satin dyeable styles, all of which LOOK perfectly serviceable, not probably not very comfortable. And then there are a couple beautiful styles by designers like Kate Spade and Stuart Weitzman, all of which are multiple hundreds of dollars and I'm guessing exist SOLELY to appease the prep-school graduation crowd. Whatever. You will probably not wear white pumps many times in your life, unless you regularly participate in local Easter parades, or something. It took me awhile to figure out, but Zappos does let you sort by both color and toe style (my biggest complaint with that site remains the crazy MASSIVENESS of it). I ran searches for both round toes and pointed toes -- I personally think round toes are more comfortable, but some people prefer the look of a point. Here are my under-$100 faves.... rocketdogotto.jpgRocket Dog Otto, $69.99. I picked these for two reasons. 1) Rocket Dogs are incredibly comfortable, and 2) check out the striking resemblance to this pair by Kate Spade. Plus there's something both classic and funky about them that would double your odds of being able to wear them again, maybe with some skinny jeans or a bright-patterned dress. rsvp Jewel, $90. Depending on how you feel about bows and/or patent leather and/or wedge heels, these do stand out in a sea of plain white pumps. They'd be less wobbly to walk in if you're not accustomed to a high heel height, and the wedge makes them a lot less bridal/prommy than a lot of the other styles. Gabriella Rocha Flore, $70. I go back and forth on the heel of this shoe, but I love love love Mary Janes and always will, particularly with longer-length dresses where the strap just peeks out. BCBG Girls Nice, $93. If you look at Zappos' collection of white pointy-toed heels, you'll see at least half a dozen slight variations on this style. It's about as basic of a pump as you can get. I picked out the BCBG Girls' version not because it's drastically cuter or different, but because it's a brand I wear quite often and am always happy with the quality and the comfort -- which is essential when you're up on a long, skinny little heel like that. I am pretty sure I have this exact style in black leather, actually. akdorsay.jpgAK Anne Klein Christa, $83. I love the look of D'Orsay pumps, but if they don't fit properly, you can go nuts trying to keep your heel in the shoe -- these aren't true D'Orsays, but you might still have some fit issues. Another potential downside -- the "ivory patent" color might not be a true white, although it's hard to tell from the photo. These would be one of those "oh, what the hell" styles I toss into my order just to try on even though I know I'll most likely return them. (Free return shipping, yay!) One plus? A recent purchase of Anne Klein patent peep-toes turned out to be the most comfortable heels I've worn in ages. I'd encourage you to run those searches for yourself, since I did leave out a lot of shoes that *technically* fit the bill, but didn't seem to jump out at me. I wasn't sure how your felt about ornamentation (buckles, contrast trim, etc.) and I personally will never, ever wear a slingback style because they literally tear my ankles into shreds and I hate them. But that could just be my own freak foot. I also skipped completely over Zappos' selection of satin dyeables, since I assume you've already seen and rejected most of them. Plus, the minute you say "comfort" I say "leather." (Although owning a pair of dyeables is nothing to sniff at, since they'll certainly come in handy the first time you're asked to be a bridesmaid and are tasked with finding closed-toe tangerine pumps.) Good luck finding something soon, and hey, maybe you can wear them to your wedding someday! Gosh, wouldn't that just be sooo peachy keen? ]]> Itchy Boobs! tag:www.alphamom.com,2008:/smackdown//8.1062 2008-05-01T14:54:10Z 2008-05-04T05:05:00Z I have itchy boobs. There, I said it. To someone other than my husband. And I guess I should be even more specific in saying that only the actual areola/nipple area is itchy. Like the idiot (human being?) I am,... Amy http://alphamom.com/smackdown I have itchy boobs. There, I said it. To someone other than my husband. And I guess I should be even more specific in saying that only the actual areola/nipple area is itchy. Like the idiot (human being?) I am, I scratch them when they itch. Most of the time. At work? No. Waiting at a red light and going crazy because my boobs itch so bad? Yes. So the question I pose to you, oh wise knower if moisturizers and other products, is what should I use/what should I do to make the itch stop? As anyone who's ever seen a boob knows, the skin in my itchy area is different in both color and texture. Does that mean I need to be extra careful with what I use/do? I also should add that I live in Arizona...the dry, dry desert. As a reference point, I usually use a lotion or body butter after showering, all over my body, and Hope in a Bottle on my face after washing it. These products seem to do their job in said areas. Obviously the scratching needs to stop, but how??? Thanks, Itchy (and Scratchy) You, my dear, have a skin allergy. So it is most definitely NOT a matter of finding something new to slather on your boobs, it is a matter of figuring out what's causing this symptom in the first place and banning it to hell. The most likely candidates are your laundry detergent, your soap, your perfume or other fragrance in some product you're using on your body, or even possibly the very fabric in your bras. So...first take a minute to think back to a time when your nipples did NOT itch (I'm hoping there WAS such a time for you, good lord), and think about any changes you've made to the line-up above. Did you switch laundry detergents? Did you buy some ultra-scented red-raspberry-floral-tequila-sunrise shower gel or body lotion? Or, on the other end of the spectrum, did you go back to a nice old-fashioned bar soap? all_free_laundry.jpg If nothing is jumping out at you, it's probably still a good idea to make some changes. Go for a fragrance/allergen-free detergent (we use All Free Clear in our house, to save us all from the ravages of eczema and other rashes) and switch to a gentle, fragrance and/or soap-free liquid wash for the shower (like Dove or Ivory or Cetaphil). Banish fragrance from your post-shower lotions too (Curel! In the blue bottle!), although I'd still probably steer clear of my breasts with any sort of lotion until you really get to the bottom of this. The other possibility is irritation or an allergy from your bra fabric. Is there any significant difference between them and the fabric that touches the rest of your skin? Most of us have long since shunned the polyester and unnatural fibers from the bulk of our wardrobe, but bras are still full of them, along with cheap dyes and lots of sheen and space-age stretching agents. If I wore stuff like that on the rest of my body day in and day out, I would be a red, rashy, miserable mess. (I'm thinking back to my summers spent working at an amusement park in a polyester-blend uniform and oh! The terrible chafing.) I've got a few silky spandex-type bras, but I also own a lot of nice plain 100% cotton ones. They're nothing fancy -- I got them at Target, but I was converted to cotton during my breastfeeding days, when my boobs were already so chafed and irritated and thrushy that they needed to BREATHE and I realized that the unnatural fibers in the cheapo nursing bras weren't helping. Speaking of thrush, if you make all of the above changes and still notice the itching, it's entirely possible that you've got a fungal infection. Even non-nursing nipples can get them, what with the sweaty, closed-in environment those non-breathable bras create. Usually the itching would also have a vaguely hot or burning sensation to it, so if you don't notice that, then you can keep an allergy at the top of the list. But if you think the itching is vaguely reminiscent of athlete's foot or something similar, make a rinse of half water, half apple-cider vinegar and wash your nipples twice a day with it, using a cotton ball. Your doctor can also prescribe an anti-fungal cream. Wash your bras after each and every wearing, in the gentle, fragrance-free detergent. Set your washer to give them an extra rinse as well. We usually associate itching = needs more moisturizing, but unless your nipples have actual, physical signs of eczema (red, flaky skin, possibly oozing), your best bet in dealing with the itch is to keep them as dry and clean as possible, with very little exposure to anything other than water and fragrance-free, soap-free products. ]]> On Body Image, Eating Disorders and How to Shake Free tag:www.alphamom.com,2008:/smackdown//8.1055 2008-04-28T10:35:45Z 2008-05-01T16:07:06Z Hello Amalah, While I'm not sure how you feel about advice-seekers straying away from beauty and fashion, I will take a chance and submit a non-product-related question (because in addition to converting me to Philosophy products for my face -... Amy http://alphamom.com/smackdown Hello Amalah, While I'm not sure how you feel about advice-seekers straying away from beauty and fashion, I will take a chance and submit a non-product-related question (because in addition to converting me to Philosophy products for my face - OMFG, thank you - several of your responses to serious "life" questions have almost brought me to tears with their comfort and wisdom-filled thoughts). My question is in regards to body image. As a young woman I am fully aware of the fact that .001% of women on this earth look like a Victoria's Secret model, but yet I find myself at the gym or witholding food because I want "Gisele-abs." There are few women who are exempt from harsh self-criticism and too-high standards, but man, do I wish I were one of them (and I am so, totally, not - I am of the "insecure pinching of the roll under my bra underwire" and "sucking in my abs in the mirror every morning" variety). I hate that I do this - and ultimately I control my own thoughts, right? But as soon as I make some progress or resolve to love my body for what it is, I see some damn skinny girl with amazing legs, etc. and I just go back to feeling inadequate. So my question for you is: how do you view/treat/regard/improve/accept your body? You are a beautiful woman, but maybe you have some advice to all women on how to feel good about themselves - with or without an extra ten pounds, poreless skin, etc. Thank you Amalah! And CONGRATS on your pregnancy! -K Many years ago, before there was the Internet, or at least before I knew how to use the Internet, I was anorexic. Very, very anorexic. My goal in life was to stay under 100 pounds at all costs. Those costs included my skin, hair, menstrual cycle, general health, future fertility and many friends and boyfriends along the way who simply could not take my bizarre food rituals and stubborn refusal to see reason. But hey! I was five-foot-five and 91 pounds, so EFF ALL THAT, right? I win at being skinny! I win at life, happiness and everything! Or...I will, once I lose another couple pounds and get below 90. Yes. 89 pounds is totally the ticket. It was the kind of adolescence I would not wish on anybody, even though it's certainly a very common story. When I think about possibly having a daughter it's the first thing I think of. How could I help her avoid that trap? How can I teach her the lessons that I had to learn the hard way because I wouldn't listen to anyone? I'm still not really sure HOW I learned them, since passing out in the dorm room hallway and being carried to the medical center by friends sure didn't do it (that just meant I was excelling at not eating, boo-yah). One day I...just...decided I wanted to get better. That I wanted and needed to stop. A lot of women with eating disorders do not get to that point. I was lucky. But going through that gave me a biiiig dose of perspective and reality that helps me a lot today. I was so unhappy! So desperately, pathetically unhappy! Who wants to live like that? Who gives a shit what my dress size is? What made me think that everybody else was playing the same game I was, that anybody cared whether I was the skinniest girl in the room or not, when what probably really mattered to them was that I was easily the most shallow and self-absorbed girl in the room, because I made my body the center of the universe. I mean, I abused my body terribly, but abuse through disordered eating is just a really weird form of naval-gazing or even self-worship. When your body image takes over to that degree, you stop caring about how your behavior affects others, whether you're breaking your mother's heart or not or whether your friends can't stand to be around because SHUT UP AND EAT A FRENCH FRY LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. And you certainly don't have the time or energy to care about issues and problems beyond yourself. (MY recycle bin is full of zero calorie seltzer water, because I hide the soda cans and that jar of salsa I binged on in the trash, and God, I WISH all I had to eat was a little white rice everyday, that would make life so much easier, etc.) So. My experience with body-image problems is obviously really extreme, but that's still kind of how I look at it. I got better because I grew up. Because I realized that was not how I wanted to live -- thin is nice, but damn, I want to be HAPPY. I found things outside of my own digestive tract to devote myself to and I am happy. Sure, I have cellulite on my thighs and having Noah utterly destroyed my stomach muscles and skin and my 16-year-old self would be HORRIFIED at what I've become, but really, she mostly needed someone to slap her in the face. Repeatedly. Maybe the Victoria's Secret models are happy. I don't know. Heidi Klum and her freak genetics aside, I know I certainly wouldn't want to spend my adult life with that same adolescent fixation on my body, no matter how much money it made me. It's tedious and boring and it makes YOU tedious and boring. Our culture just slams us with unrealistic body images, but it also hammers in a deep-rooted sense of entitlement and selfishness. Consume all you want, screw the earth and the poor and your credit rating, you deserve it all! Just don't let it go to your thighs, or anything. Because ew. These messages get mixed up and tangled and suddenly we're thinking that it's really, really important that we are thin and beautiful and look good in a designer swimsuit, because WE are important but we're really NOT important but maybe it's because we're not thin enough to be important and 'round and 'round we go, down the existential crisis rabbit hole. And then we crash into the ground and a Thighmaster bonks us in the head. I'm losing my grip on my very tenuous point here, I know it. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that, oh, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, because sure. What woman doesn't critique her reflection and suck in her gut and owns a pair of Spanx but tries to deny that she owns a pair of Spanx? But an important part of growing up and learning to be a citizen of Earth involves...kind of getting over yourself. Focusing on important things, and the size of your ass is sooooo not an important thing. (I know I type a lot of words here every week about taking care of our skin and hair and How To Look Pretty And Hide Ugly Things Like Zits And Wrinkles!!1! ZOMG WRINKLES! And really, I think we can all occasionally delve into the superficial without it ruling our lives. I really don't spend much of my life contemplating moisturizer, but weight and body image are things that I think many of us really do obsess about to unhealthy levels.) Live a good happy life. Help people, love people, respect yourself enough to make sure you'll be healthy and present for the people you love for years to come, and TAKE IT FROM ME, being rail-thin does not improve your ability to do any of those things. You will not lie on your deathbed and lament being a size 12 back in 2008, or wish you'd skipped more breakfasts. You'll probably look back the way I do already, and wish for more face-slapping. (VERY IMPORTANT PS: If you withhold food on a regular basis, skip meals to "atone" for past indulgences or binges, or work out past what would be considered "normal" [i.e. a compulsive number of crunches, doing cardio until you feel dizzy or light-headed], please please please consider calling a counselor TODAY. Particularly a counselor who specializes in disordered eating. Full-blown eating disorders do not flick on like a light switch...they build gradually until your mind is simply unable to distinguish that this is not normal, until your entire worldview is skewed and consumed by the disease. The National Eating Disorders Association's website will help you find a doctor, counselor or free support group in your state. They also have a telephone helpline.)]]> Oh My Goodness More SPF Talk: Slippery Sunblock and Burning Eyes tag:www.alphamom.com,2008:/smackdown//8.1053 2008-04-25T15:26:33Z 2008-04-25T22:59:05Z Hi Amy: I have another sunscreen issue to ask about if you're not too sick of the subject. Sunscreen is really important and I'm glad you take it seriously. Here's my problem though. Any SPF higher than about 12 or... Amy http://alphamom.com/smackdown Hi Amy: I have another sunscreen issue to ask about if you're not too sick of the subject. Sunscreen is really important and I'm glad you take it seriously. Here's my problem though. Any SPF higher than about 12 or 14 (either standalone or in foundation) burns my eyes after it has been on my face for a while. I don't put the stuff on my eyelids or right into my eyes, but after a couple of hours, it is like it migrates down from my forehead and into my eyes and they start to sting really bad. Nothing helps except taking out my contact lenses and completely washing my face. That's not especially practical at 10:00AM at the office or out hiking! Can I get by using the lower SPF? I think the recommended SPF is like 35 but there's just no way I can wear that without being miserable for more than half the day. Are there any alternatives? Chellebelle (The queue is JAM-PACKED with SPF questions right now, people. And since SPF has suddenly become my unofficial mission and purpose in life, right after "gestating a human being," I feel compelled to answer as many of them as I can.) (Next up in my battle against our nation's crow's feet: good, UV-blocking sunglasses.) Stinging eyes is actually a pretty common problem -- I get them myself if I find myself really sweating on a bad humid day around here, or if I'm out playing tennis or something. (And oh, YEAH, I play just so much tennis these days. Look! Here's my racket, tucked into my belt in case I get challenged to a pick-up match on my way back to bed.) People with sensitive skin are even more prone to the stinging, even during normal, non-sweaty daily activities. The culprit is a specific ingredient found in a lot of sunscreens: avobenzone. It's a UVA-blocker found in "chemical" sunscreens (which absorb and dissipate radiation). And the most popular sunscreens today (including my favorite, Neutrogena Dry-Touch) are chemical sunscreens, because they absorb easily into skin without leaving a film. But even ones labeled "waterproof" or "sweatproof" can cause the stinging, if your skin is sensitive enough to avobenzone. The other kind of sunscreen is a "physical" sunscreen -- with just sits on your face and uses ingredients like zinc oxide or titanium dioxide to simply reflect light off your skin. Some of these are formulated better than others (think big obvious strips of white on your nose and face), but the sun protection is JUST as good as the chemical sunscreens. Or even better for people like you, since you'll be able to use a higher SPF without the eye-stinging and face-washing. So you CAN use SPF 30 or even higher, provided you spend a little time reading the ingredient lists. Physical sunscreens are often marketed as "natural" or "hypo-allergenic" sunscreens (although some "natural" brands, like Kiss My Face and Alba, do make versions with avobenzone, so always double-check). Try testing some out at your local Whole Foods or semi-crunchy beauty store and see if you can find one that is cosmetically pleasing to you. Hell, even Sephora has gotten on the natural/organic bandwagon and offers a small selection of chemical-free sun-protection products. Another option: a better-quality kids' sunblock. TONS of these are avobenzone-free, since kids tend to rub their faces and eyes a lot, and also designed to absorb quickly since small children on the beach are not known for their patience during sunblock applications. So I've compiled a little list of avobenzone-free sunscreens for you -- please note that I haven't personally used any of these, so I'm not sure of the skin-clogging or invisibility index for them -- but they are highly recommended for athletes who sweat a lot and for people with very sensitive skin and eyes. (A couple links go to drugstore.com, where you can also read reviews from actual users, which are pretty helpful for determining whether this is something you want on your face.) 300.jpg California Baby Water Resistant, Hypo-Allergenic Sunscreen, SPF 30+, $15.49 SkinCeuticals Sport UV Defense SPF 45, $35 Blue Lizard Australian Suncream, SPF 30 for Sensitive Skin, $10.29 Kiss My Face Non-Chemical Sunscreen Lotion, SPF 18, $7.61 (I believe they make a higher-SPF version, though I couldn't find it online.) Jason Natural Cosmetics Earth's Best Organic Sunblock, Chemical-Free SPF 30, $15.99 Juice Beauty SPF 30 Tinted Moisturizer, $29 Korres Watermelon Sunscreen Face Cream, SPF 30, $28 This is by no means an exhaustive list, because you are soooo not alone in the stinging problem. These creams should stay put and not irritate your eyes, so if you can find one that you can at least tolerate for using on your forehead, your days of 10 am face-washings should be behind you.
Related Articles: - How Often Should I Apply Sunscreen to My Face? - Wearing SPF to Bed = Do Not Want - Preemptive Strike: Should You Use Anti-Aging Products in Your Early 20s?
]]> Smackdown Gift Guide: What to Send a Friend in the Mental Hospital tag:www.alphamom.com,2008:/smackdown//8.1052 2008-04-24T14:37:06Z 2008-04-24T16:25:52Z Hi Amy, You're awesome. Your readers are awesome. Google has failed me. Or maybe I'm not qualified to use Google. So I'm turning to you and your brilliant readers. I have a friend who checked into a mental health facility... Amy http://alphamom.com/smackdown Hi Amy, You're awesome. Your readers are awesome. Google has failed me. Or maybe I'm not qualified to use Google. So I'm turning to you and your brilliant readers. I have a friend who checked into a mental health facility over the weekend. I want to send her a care package, yet I'm completely at a loss for what is appropriate. Help.OH PLEASE HELP ME!? Any and ALL suggestions are appreciated. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Another Amy Well, aren't you sweet! What a very nice idea, and an idea that obviously a lot of people don't think of, according to how unhelpful Google is in this circumstance. Probably because a lot of friends and family prefer to ignore the situation or just attempt to grin-and-bear it instead of treating the patient as just that -- a patient. Who is trying to get better. Good for your friend, as well. Honestly, I would start with a call to the hospital. Ask to speak with a nurse or someone who could tell you what sort of things are acceptable and what is not allowed on the wing. I did find one hospital that provides a helpful online list of allowed and non-allowed items. I bet this is fairly standard, so you can at least ensure that your care package won't get ransacked for contraband. So after looking at what is allowed in a typical psychiatric hospital, what can you send? Well, most patients complain first and foremost of the tedium, and spend a lot of time writing or reading. A journal would be a nice gift (provided it's not spiral-bound), along with stationary, envelopes and stamps. Make sure your friend has her address book with her, or buy one and fill in as many addresses of mutual friends and family members as possible. If she has long-distance friends and family, include a pre-paid phone card. bunny-slippers.jpgSend some books or magazines -- personally I'd probably want light, beach-type reading, like chick lit and the weekly gossip rags and a fashion mag or two. Or just send her some books you've read and enjoyed recently. Used books are just fine, since she may want to donate them to the hospital or pass them along to other patients rather than lug them all home. And then there are the pampering ideas. You don't have a ton of options, since toiletries may be somewhat restricted, but I'm sure a nice basic gift set would be allowed, like Philosophy's Grace or Breakfast in Bed. (If you do opt for a gift set, be careful about the packaging. Remove all bows and ties and string and avoid stuff that could get flagged for any reason, like wicker baskets or wire handles.) (I was actually going to suggest a service like PajamaGram.com, which I've used many times for friends and family during hospital stays and illness, but now that I'm thinking of the packaging angle I'd say just buy and pack your own pajamas/slippers/robe gift, if you think she'd like that.) Above it all, though, don't overlook the cheapest and simplest gift -- a letter. More than one letter. More than two letters. Let her know that you support her and are proud of her for taking care of herself, but don't dwell on the whole "you're in the mental hospital and wow, that's heavy, dude" thing. Write your letters like you would write emails to her. Send her funny stuff you find on the Web. Tell her about the latest office gossip and how your boss is being a jerk again. She's sick, but she's not terminal or a leper or liable to shatter into a million pieces if not handled with kid gloves at all times -- she's still your friend, and you sound like a pretty good friend to her already, so just...keep being the same friend you were before, just of the old-fashioned pen-and-paper variety. ]]> More SPF Talk: How Often Should I Apply Sunscreen to Mah Face? tag:www.alphamom.com,2008:/smackdown//8.1048 2008-04-21T15:34:15Z 2008-04-25T22:55:52Z Hi Amy, So here's a dumb one: When using sunscreen daily, how often do you apply it? Do you just put it on in the morning and wear it all day, or do you have to reapply every hour? Or... Amy http://alphamom.com/smackdown Hi Amy, So here's a dumb one: When using sunscreen daily, how often do you apply it? Do you just put it on in the morning and wear it all day, or do you have to reapply every hour? Or is there some entirely different schedule of reapplication? Reading today's Smackdown made me realize that I mostly don't use SPF stuff as often as I should because I feel like a dolt for not knowing when to (re)apply. Thanks -- I love the Smackdown, and your site, and Zero to Forty. And Mamapop. And, uh, I swear I'm not a stalker; I just have a lot of time on my hands. -- Sar Oh heavens, once a day. Right after washing your face, right when you put on moisturizer and any other assorted creams, and right before applying any makeup. And that's it, unless your average day involves frequent dips in the pool, or your office cubicle is located on the beach. Or on the equator. alba%20sunscreen.jpgMost suncreens are nice and long-wearing, and will provide all-day protection, provided you don't wash your face again until night time. The only times I will re-apply during the day is when I'm spending an extended amount of time outside -- like a trip to the zoo or some outdoor festival, for example. I burn verrrry easily and will generally start getting a little pink-cheeked after four or five hours in the sun if I don't reapply sunblock to my face. (One other note, though -- UV rays are just as dangerous on cloudy days, so if you're spending tons of time outside on a hazy day, try to remember to give yourself an extra smear, even if you don't "feel" like you're burning.) BUT for a lot of us, the average day is spent mostly inside. You want to protect your skin from the exposure it gets during the drive to work, or the wait at the bus stop, or the afternoon sun that hits your desk, or the hour and a half you spend with your kids at the playground. If this is the kind of sun exposure your skin gets, then you are just fine with a liberal application in the morning followed by your foundation or powder. It's not a high-maintenance ritual by any means, so FOR GOD'S SAKE JUST WEAR YOUR SUNSCREEN ALREADY. *topples off of soapbox into an exhausted heap on the floor*
Related Articles: - Slippery Sunblock and Burning Eyes - Wearing SPF to Bed = Do Not Want - Preemptive Strike: Should You Use Anti-Aging Products in Your Early 20s?
]]> Wearing SPF to Bed = Do Not Want tag:www.alphamom.com,2008:/smackdown//8.1045 2008-04-18T14:00:44Z 2008-04-25T22:57:04Z Hi Amy, Just had a quick question. You have mentioned several times that you don't recommend using a moisturizer with SPF in it as your nightly moisturizer. Is this just because it's a waste of SPF if you're not in... Amy http://alphamom.com/smackdown Hi Amy, Just had a quick question. You have mentioned several times that you don't recommend using a moisturizer with SPF in it as your nightly moisturizer. Is this just because it's a waste of SPF if you're not in the sun or are you saying that SPF can actually do harm to your skin at night? For the record, based on your advice I did switch out my moisturizer (Cetaphil SPF 15) with Hope in a Jar and am liking it lots. Thanks! Liz Ah yes, so very like me to issue sweeping skincare edicts without explaining myself. So, SPF clogs your pores. Simple as dat. For those of us with oily or blemish-prone skin, it's a necessary evil during the day (sun damage trumps zits in the long term, obviously), but it's best to avoid it in favor of something non-comedogenic at night. But really, all skin -- dry, sensitive, even perfectly normal and balanced -- should avoid wearing it to bed, because we all have pores, and all pores can get clogged up and yucky. (SPF can also be irritating for very dry or very sensitive skin, but mostly I'm against it for the pore-clogging business.) Nighttime is the time to really nourish your skin, and address the unique overnight needs of your face. Think about it. Your face is clean and make-up free, but you're also not blotting away the excess oil it produces at regular intervals. Maybe you touch your face at night (I always wake up with my hands curled around my chin) or your hair and scalp get oily or maybe you haven't washed your pillowcase in awhile. When you think about all this stuff, skipping the completely unnecessary sunscreen in favor of something gentle and non-comedogenic is kind of a no-brainer. So in terms of your product line-up, it's kind of six of one and a half dozen of the other. The combo moisturizers-plus-SPF are convenient, but you need to buy a night cream or some other stand-alone moisturizer. Or if you have a plain moisturizer you really love, you can add an extra step of a stand-alone sunscreen in the morning, and skip it at night. Or you can get SPF coverage from your primer or foundation or face powder. Pick the combo that works best for you -- I do not care. Just promise me you'll leave the SPF off your face at night. That's all I ask! That and the occasional phone call! And wear a helmet when you ride your bike! I NAG BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
Related Articles: - Slippery Sunblock and Burning Eyes - How Often Should I Apply Sunscreen to My Face? - Preemptive Strike: Should You Use Anti-Aging Products in Your Early 20s?
]]> I Want Your Sex...Why Don't You Want Mine? tag:www.alphamom.com,2008:/smackdown//8.1044 2008-04-18T14:00:15Z 2008-04-18T07:32:33Z Hi Amalah, I read your blog, your column, your everything and I totally trust your advice. Hence this letter. It’s something that I don’t feel like I can share with my friends so hey, why not unload on to a... Amy http://alphamom.com/smackdown Hi Amalah, I read your blog, your column, your everything and I totally trust your advice. Hence this letter. It’s something that I don’t feel like I can share with my friends so hey, why not unload on to a total (but perfect) stranger (bring back Balki Bartokomous) and the interweb? My situation is this. I am in a relationship with a lovely, lovely man. We are both 33 years old. We have been together for three years, living together in sin for nearly two. The problem is is that there is not a lot of sinning going on. Our sex life is practically non-existent and every night we go to bed and he gives me a pursed-lip kiss like we are a married couple from the 1950s. This is not my choice and I promise, not for lack of trying on my part. It hasn't always been this way - we used to have a great time between the sheets. This has been going on in earnest for about six months (yes! six months!) and I put my foot down and insisted that we go to a sex therapist in February. This has helped in that we are no longer arguing about the lack of sex, but still - no sex. We have had a tricky time over the last year or so due to an ongoing conflict over where we live. We live in his home country and I want to move back to mine with him, which he says he wants to do. We have the visa and everything. I realise it is a big deal and that's something that we have talked about a lot in our therapy sessions so we've kind of worked through that. I am at my wits end and feel as though we are entering the world of friends instead of hotness and I don’t know what to do. Please don’t suggest the foxy lingerie (been there, no luck), watching porn together (he is not interested – yes! A man! Not interested!), non-sexual massages (our therapist suggested that and we have done it a total of three times at my suggestion, not his). He says he loves me, he wants to be with me, he wants to have kids together (yes! I’m not sure how that will happen either!) there’s nothing he wants more than to have a fulfilling sex life with me...but it’s hard to believe when he isn’t making any effort and I am beginning to feel a little resentful that I have to be the one to suggest things. Because it's not hot when you have to beg, right? I’ve been down the road of Is He Gay, turned left at He’s Having An Affair, lingered at Maybe It's Me, I'm Hideous and now I’m beginning to think Hello, He Has Depression. What should I do? I want to support him but I also want to be with someone who is going to rip my clothes off every now and then. It would make the next few decades together kind of fun. You have been married for awhile and I get the impression that you and Jason still have a glint in your eye for each other, which is awesome. Is it something you have to work at sometimes or if it doesn’t come naturally (oh dear, you know what I’m saying), does that mean that you’re sexually incompatible? Is it normal for a guy to not wake up with morning glory, as Oasis say? Could it be something physical, as well as mental? I feel as though I am in the man in this relationship trying to persuade his uptight, frigid wife into sleeping with him and it is driving me bananas. He says everything will be fine when we move because he'll be less stressed, but I'm not so sure. I figure leaving your job, your family and friends and moving to a new country isn't exactly rancho relaxo. If you can offer any advice, insight, wisdom that would result in me getting laid, I would be eternally grateful. Yes, I know I sound like a pig but lack of sex is making me that way. Are there any other women out there who have been through something similar and have you been able to get through the other side? I really don't need to hear any 'Oh, my Barry can't keep his hands off me, if he had his way we'd be having sex morning, noon and night' stories either. Faithfully yours, Hot and Definitely Bothered P.S. I'm sorry this is so long, I think you get the drift that I would really appreciate your help. Thank you. Oof. OOF I SAY. This is...an interesting break in the moisturizer talk, don't you think? So first of all, let me say that I really admire the steps you've already taken to help the situation. Sometimes I get these loooong life dilemma problems that basically boil down to "I've tried nothing and I'm out of ideas, help!" More people should treat questionably-qualified Internet advice columnists as the last resort that we really are. But the fact remains that you've taken all the right steps and still haven't gotten anywhere. So, long hard look time -- were you EVER satisfied with your sex life? Did he EVER demonstrate the kind of healthy libido that would jibe with your own? Do you really have evidence that this is, in fact, a temporary problem that can be resolved? And I mean OTHER than the early days of newness and infatuation and wheeeeeeee-sex-with-someone-new-and-shiny phase that wears off for all of us eventually? Was there ever a period of just normal, healthy, regular, mutually satisfying sex, particularly during the time you've lived together? If you answered "no" to more than one of those questions, then I would guess we are looking at flat-out basic sexual incompatibility here. Which is no small thing. Since you DID mention that things used to be great and fun, and if you can really and truly answer all those questions with a big YES, and if this really is a recent phenomenon of six months or so, then my money would be on depression and/or anxiety. Which is also no small thing. First up, in the interest of covering all the bases, the sexual incompatibility option. For some reason a lot of women prefer to blow this off, like they're afraid to end an otherwise decent relationship over something trivial. Except that sex is not trivial. It's the rest of your life, and if it's driving you batty at 33, it's going to drive you batty at 43 and 53 and so on. It's not fair for you to sit there and hope that YOUR libido will drop with age and childbirth so that someday, somewhere, you'll be okay with your non-existent sex life. It ain't gonna happen, and if your guy really IS okay with a non-existent sex life now...well. Is it a deal-breaker or not? Are you prepared to live with the very likely possibility that this will be as good as it gets? If it is and you're not, I'd advise being honest with him (possibly in a therapy session?) before the big move. Obviously you've been jumping up and down and waving your arms and screaming at him that THIS IS IMPORTANT TO YOU, but maybe he needs one last reminder of just HOW important it is before he rearranges his life because you haven't been clear on the end result of your doubts. And sadly, from where I'm sitting (on a plane! en route to San Diego! holla!), there are only two possible endings: you put up with things as is and stop pushing him to "change" (ah, that common folly of us women!) or you break it off because EFF THIS, you deserved to be desired and regularly ravished and there is nothing wrong or superficial about that. If it's depression, on the other hand, it's time for a different sort of confrontation. You make excellent rebuttal points to his "I'm just stressed and will be less stressed after the move." Stress is a constant, and depression and real anxiety are generally not cured by a change in scenery. The lack of...ahem...normal morning-type male reflexes does suggest there's something physical going on, although (to me) it further cements the theory of severe depression or anxiety, which can most definitely manifest in a variety of physical ailments. Since joint therapy does not seem to be getting at the core of...whatever it is that's bothering him...firmly suggest he see a therapist on his own. Regular psychotherapy. Medication. Something. But again, this needs to be dealt with ASAP, for both of your sakes. Otherwise, nothing will truly change, and you'll very likely be experiencing bed death every time life gets stressful or the seasons change or whatever his depressive trigger is. Uprooting to a different country would probably wig the best of us out, and I'm wondering if he's bottling up his real feelings and fears about it. You seem like a very open and direct and "let's FIX this" sort of person, so perhaps instead of focusing on some presumed sexual incompatibility, your therapy and discussions should focus on really getting to know and understand how the other reacts to conflict and how you each approach problem-solving. I suspect you two are very different in those areas. The more you try to "fix" him, the more he may retreat inward for whatever reason. He might need a different kind of support. He also needs you to stand your ground, because this is your life too. Tell him you've tried everything and you're truly, honestly, all out of ideas. You love him, you want to spend your life with him, but not. Like. This. Whatever the issue is -- depression, anxiety, erectile dysfunction, crippling panic and doubt -- it is time for him to root it out and confront it. And if he wants to make the move with you, he needs to make some kind of effort before it happens. No more hitting the mental snooze button with the "things will be better after we move" excuse. Good luck. I think most couples end up going through similar things at one point or another (hello, first trimester of pregnancy), but not to the extent you're describing. That's not a phase, that's real dysfunction, and I hope you two can work it out. ]]> How to Respond to Dumb Things People Say to You When Pregnant tag:www.alphamom.com,2008:/smackdown//8.1039 2008-04-13T15:36:00Z 2008-04-14T16:29:51Z Dear Amy- Ugh- why is it that most people feel a need to comment on how you look when you are pregnant? I remember this with my first but it seems to be happening all the time with my second.... Amy http://alphamom.com/smackdown Dear Amy- Ugh- why is it that most people feel a need to comment on how you look when you are pregnant? I remember this with my first but it seems to be happening all the time with my second. My belly is big- I am due in late May and am measuring right on track but yes, I look like I swallowed a large ball. My first son was big- 9.5 lbs and 22 inches (my husband is 6'4). My belly was also really big with him. Most people say to me- "oh no way you are going to make it until your due date, or even May". Thanks but I really don't want to hear that I might only make it a few more weeks and have a premature baby. I don't have a problem requesting (if someone tries) to please not touch my belly. Maybe some people don't mind but for me it feels like an invasion of my personal space. So what do you say to those who seem to think they know when you will deliver or that I look so big???!! I mean even when you are pregnant I don't think any woman wants to hear how big she looks! Ok, vent over and any suggestions appreciated!! P.S. Congratulations on your pregnancy! Thanks, Hillarie As a fellow gestater of big babies, let me tell you that OH MY LANDS, I KNOW. Everybody and their mailman commented on my belly size last time, including MY mailman. Everybody had a prediction of early labor and towards the end I got a lot of comments about carrying Noah down in my knees, because he'd so obviously "dropped." AMY'S DOCTOR: No, he hasn't dropped at all. In fact, his head is still quite high. In the end, I safely went into labor the day after my due date (or possibly ON my due date, depending on which one I went with), and Noah remained solidly "undropped" and very high, right up until the moment they finally decided to go in and yank him out through the window. IN SUMMARY: Whatever, people. The thing is, though, that these comments are pretty meaningless -- annoying, but meaningless. The predictors of early, imminent labor probably think that's what a hugely pregnant woman wants to hear and aren't thinking about it in the terms we do (i.e. prematurity, NICU stays, incubators and breathing assistance). And the "oh my God you're so BIG" people probably just can't think of anything else to say. Now throw in TMZ.com and the tabloids going on and on about how a five-months-pregnant celebrity is SO BIIIIIG and ABOUT TO POPPPP OMG, and you realize that most people really have no concept of just how big the stomach of the average full-term pregnant lady actually gets. Thus, I never really thought these comments deserved anymore thought or response than a dismissive "oh, I think we'll make it to just fine, actually." Or "well, he seems pretty comfortable in there, so hopefully he'll stay put." Or "yes, I'm a giant beached whale, thanks for reminding me, would you like to comment on my swollen ankles while you're at it?" OK, so maybe occasionally I did snap at a person or two, usually if they continued to push the issue after I'd already responded as politely as possible. Most of the time I wouldn't even dignify it with words, though. A vague "mm-hmm, yep, so I've been told," or something. (On the flip side, my girlfriend was constantly told how SMALL her belly looked during her pregnancies, and not as a compliment. Even though her babies were both born full-term and healthy, she never got the huge, beach-ball belly. So people would insinuate that there was something wrong with her or her baby or that she wasn't eating enough out of vanity, or something. You just can't win with the unwashed masses, ladies.) It's tempting to want to school the early-labor people on the real insensitivity of those remarks (what if you'd previously had pre-term labor? what if you'd previously lost a baby to pre-term labor? ack!)...so...you would get no judgment from me for unleashing a full-on "please don't even JOKE about something serious like that" tirade on the next person who brings it up. When someone says something truly ignorant that could truly wound someone who has been through it, sometimes I think you're justified to toss politeness out the window and point this out. Even if they didn't really mean anything by it, explaining why this is Not Really A Cool Thing To Say Ever just might make them stop and swallow those words next time. Or not, if they are just that much of a jackass. In that case, whatever, and waddle away. Readers? Any especially memorable comments or comebacks?
Don't forget to visit Amalah's Weekly Pregnancy Calendar.
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