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Cheating spouses: more common than you might think
Published 09.26.2008 | Permanent Link | Comments (22)
A survey just released by Cookie Magazine and AOL Health showed that almost a third of married men with children have had affairs. A THIRD. You can see by my all-caps emphasis that I am surprised by this.
The Cookie/AOL survey only dealt with men, which led me to wonder, what about the women? Don't some of us fool around as well? Indeed we do. In a 2007 MSNBC/iVillage survey, 28 percent of married men and 18 percent of married women admitted to having an affair. Another poll, American Sexual Behavior, surveyed 10,000 people over the course of two decades and had similar results—22 percent of married men and 15 percent of married women.
According to US News and World Report, though, the clinical research is "fuzzy." It's often hard to get people to fess up to their improprieties, so results can be seriously skewed. While the numbers on infidelity seem to have remained steady over the past decade, the rise of cyber sex (there you go again, Internet) and "swinger societies" (really? I must live in a boring town) indicates that cheating seems to be more rampant than ever.
And then there's the behavior that people might not even recognize as cheating. The physical stuff, after all, is pretty clear-cut. Sexual activity with someone who's not your spouse is sort of a no-brainer (at least one would hope). Kissing a non-spousal entity is also a no-no. Personally, I frown upon ardent hugging, but maybe that's just me. But beyond body contact, there's a whole gray area, especially now that this damned Internet was invented to make our lives more complicated. Men and women can engage in all kinds of illicit behavior without even being in the same room. Is it cheating if you don't touch the other person?
Even stickier (no pun intended) is the emotional affair. It can be all too easy to form an attachment to someone else and not even realize what you've done. Before you know it, you're enmeshed in something far more complicated than either of you had intended. At what point does a friendship move beyond what's appropriate extramarital behavior? Can a man and a woman discuss each other's spouses? Can they reveal personal details? When does harmless flirting become something more?
There are experts who argue that there's no such thing as harmless flirting, but it seems to me that banning flirting in all forms would make life dull indeed. I mean, if you want to define flirting as sitting on someone's lap and tousling his hair, I think we can all agree that that's not okay. But personally, I don't have a problem with my husband flirting (as long as he stays off the laps of strange women). I think it's kind of cute, actually. If he was sending flirty emails all night long to another woman, though, I am sure I would feel differently. Not because of the content, necessarily, but because of the time commitment he was now making to a relationship that was not his marriage. It's complicated territory, and something that has to be negotiated among all involved parties. Or else we just shut the Internet down and call it a day.
So let's say your spouse did have an affair: what now? What do you do if your spouse has cheated, or if you yourself are the cheater? According to one study, affairs tend to occur well into a person's relationship—when the romance has died down and the excitement has faded—and they generally last less than one week. It seems a shame to end a long-term committed relationship based on a fling that's generally symptomatic of the person feeling deprived. I don't mean to excuse the behavior, only to say that we've all been in that place, and it feels lousy, and people make stupid mistakes, no? Shouldn't they be forgiven for them?
Of course I'm in no place to judge, so I bring it to you, audience: would you cheat? Have you cheated? Has your spouse cheated? Have you been in weird emotional-affair territory? Please note that you can be anonymous in your comments. If you wish. Or you can talk about your "friend's" affair, wink wink, and none of us will be any the wiser.
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Comments (22):
Ariel said:
My first husband was always looking for opportunities TO cheat- Online, mostly.
Fortunately for me I realized he was a loser and he'd have cheated had anyone actually wanted him and I left his sorry ass.
That sounds terrible... But it was just a bad deal for me. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. And I finally figured it out when he'd once again turned an argument around so perfectly that I was apologizing for HIM having a profile on Match.com! IT WAS MY FAULT HE NEEDED TO LOOK FOR OTHER WOMEN.Um????
I am happy now, and in a great relationship.
Posted on September 26, 2008 14:41
Alice said:
Eeeugh, sounds like you're so much better off now, Ariel. I'm glad to hear you moved on.
Posted on September 26, 2008 16:01
Sharon said:
This is non-negotiable with my husband and me - no cheating allowed. We've been married 31 years and have had lots of ups and downs. We agreed before we were married that an affair would be a deal breaker for our relationship, no matter which one of us cheated. That and no hitting are the two hard-and-fast rules that we agreed to early on. We just celebrated our anniversary, and life is good.
Posted on September 26, 2008 16:24
SuburbanCorrespondent said:
I am so glad that I have nothing really to add to this topic! But my husband and I both always do wonder: these people with kids - how in the world do they find the time to have an affair? The logistics totally baffle us.
Posted on September 26, 2008 17:05
Liz said:
I am very close to a male friend and we do talk about our spouses and relationships. Not necessarily sex lives (though I would talk about that, at some point, with a female friend). I don't think that makes us emotionally affaired... I hope it doesn't!
Posted on September 26, 2008 17:06
Winston said:
Emotional affairs are indeed as devastating as physical affairs and equally wrong. My spouse began a long running relationship with a close friend from the past without my knowledge. When discovered she struggled to break that relationship and made every effort to protect it at the expense of my suffering and our relationship. I am sure no physical activity occurred but the private emotional connection conducted behind the backs of the respective spouse indicated this was no hi, how are you relationship.
Posted on September 27, 2008 09:52
Anonymous said:
call me stupid, but what is the difference between an emotional affair and a friendship? if you can talk to a same sex friend about something, how is that different with the opposite sex? what am I missing here?
Posted on September 27, 2008 10:54
Dean said:
Its is truly amazing at the alarming number of people cheating on their significant other even with kids. I recently ran a poll and the numbers were astonishing on people that wanted to cheat because they were "bored in their relationship". That is crazy! If they are willing to cheating out of boredom, then imagine when times get tough as they do in relationships.
Posted on September 27, 2008 12:30
diepretty said:
Cheating and swinging are not the same thing (unless you're swinging without your partner's consent/knowledge). Swinging is a lifestyle that loads of committed, loving couples (married and otherwise) choose. The line between flirting and cheating is a thin one, that can be defined on an individual basis. Some people are more comfortable with their partner flirting heavily, some people are not. This is where open communication, mutual respect and introspection come into play. If you think about cheating, the next thought should be "Why am I considering this?"
It does seem silly to throw away a relationship because of a short-lived infidelity, however there are several instances where the cheating spouse divorces his or spouse and marries the person with whom he/she cheated.
Posted on September 27, 2008 14:20
Holly said:
I'm not surprised by the stats, and I'm sure they're actually higher. I've had three friends in the past two years who have been in this situation. In one couple it was the wife, in the other two it was the husband. We're not talking a wild crowd here either- just typical parents. People I met at playgroup and Mommy & Me yoga classes. People with good jobs who live in nice homes. Someone mentioned where could they find the time- I don't know about two of them, but I know the one husband 'worked late' an awful lot.
Neither my spouse nor I have cheated, but I can easily see how it could happen. Especially once kids are involved, it's so easy to spend time and energy on them that there is often little left over for each other at the end of the day. Throw in a breakdown in communication, and it can go downhill from there. I give a lot of credit to my friends who are trying to work past this- I don't know if I could be that forgiving if it was me.
Posted on September 27, 2008 16:53
mallory said:
The moment sexuality enters into a non-marital relationship, either physically or emotionally, it's cheating.
Neither my husband nor I have cheated, and we both know it's a deal breaker.
Posted on September 27, 2008 19:27
Nichole said:
I think if a relationship has dulled to the point of even having THOUGHTS of forming any kind of attachment to another person, the "thinking" partner should be a MAN or a WOMAN about it and be honest with their spouse BEFORE something happens.
This is the arrangement I have with my husband: be a man and talk to me about it before something happens.
A simple, if brisk, "Look, things pretty much suck around here, and I want to be up front with you and let you know I'm having feelings and thoughts about another person" would do.
It's not about love or the lack of it, particularly if the relationship has soured - it's about Respect and Human decency! And giving the other person a chance to respond and the opportunity to make a choice.
Posted on September 28, 2008 02:47
MamaCass said:
My marriage is free of this, thank goodness...but I know many people in a different situation. In my opinion, emotional, physical, or whatever, if you are not comfortable telling your spouse about the other person, and are hiding the relationship, it is wrong. Period.
Posted on September 28, 2008 08:54
anon said:
Unfortunately, I know all about this. During a three-year period early in our marriage, I had five abdominal surgeries (one colposcopy biopsy plus D&C, one myomectomy, two c-sections, and one hernia repair), lost one baby, had two babies, and got up to 223 pounds. I don't think my husband would have cheated based on the above, but add to this the fact that I did not sleep more than a combined total of four hours per night (generally in two-hour stretches with an hour or more of tossing and turning in between) and my personality became completely unrecognizable. PLUS my mom moved in to help take care of the babies while I recovered from surgeries. I was in a haze, and didn't think about asking his opinion of this, and really don't remember arranging it, just kind of going along. My mom is awesome, but you know, there are limits. My husband kind of got marginalized and ignored during all this baby care and post-surgical care.
He was in a band at the time, and this girl he used to work with started going to watch his band and giving him all kinds of adoration and attention that he wasn't getting at home. He had an affair. I was devastated. We went back and forth for months about whether to try to rebuild it. We finally got counselling, and after a false start with a counselor who took my side and alienated my husband further, got a counselor who managed to remain completely objective and pull the emotions out of our arguments and present us each with the bare facts we'd been unsuccessfully trying to communicate with each other.
It was a long and difficult road, and it really sucked for a long time, but after about six months, maybe a year, we regained our trust in each other. We've committed to communicating and never letting it reach that point again. I can't say that it's all sunshine and roses now, we all have our ups and downs, but seven years later, it's pretty good most of the time. We know the warning signs, and when the amber alert starts going off, we put in a little extra effort. We try not to go too long without sex, and we try to keep communications open. We try to show each other appreciation.
When we thought we were going to split up, a neighbor told me something that floored me. "Love is a choice. You wake up every morning, knowing what will make your partner happy and what will make them angry, and you choose which things you will do. Every day."
That was a revelation, and formed a basis to go on from. Also, a web site helped me out a lot: http://www.marriagebuilder.com
And no, he did not fill out any of the contracts or worksheets with me, but I did a few on my own and read a lot of things on there that helped me. He had a little trouble at first breaking it off with "the bimbo" as I called her, but what finally ended that was the day I threw every last scrap of his belongings out onto the front porch and blockaded the door with a chair. That was when it finally hit him that I wasn't messing around, and that he really was going to lose me and possibly our daughters over this bimbo.
I can't believe we survived all of that. There was a time when I couldn't even look at him. And it took a long time to get beyond the urge to bring up the past every time I got pissed at him. But it can be done, and the rewards of having children with two parents and no half-siblings plus a deep well of shared experiences (12 years of mostly good times outweighs about 6 months of hideous times) is worth it.
If communication breaks down and sex gets pushed aside, this really can happen to anyone. That web site I mentioned earlier has a bunch of ways to "affair-proof your marriage." It's totally worth it to know how to do that.
Wow, even after all this time, my thoughts get a little disjointed when I think about all of that. Sorry for the long ramble. Oh, but one last thing about keeping it together. I have to read "Men Are From Mars" at least once a year. It's kind of silly, and very simple stuff, but so counterintuitive that I often stray from it and need a refresher course. One of these days I'll follow through on my intention to make crib notes so I don't have to plow through all the silly parts every time. Okay, I'm done spewing now. I hope this helps someone.
Posted on September 28, 2008 13:38
Anon said:
My parents divorced over cheating so it is a VERY sticky point with me. It's funny, I worry more about divorce from the constant stress of two people working with 2 kids -- 1 of whom has special needs. It's exhausting and frustrating and you often take it out on each other.
As an earlier poster said: who has TIME for an affair? I don't have enough time to sleep.
But cheating? I don't know what I would do. I would probably want to kill him and then go to therapy to find out why it happened and how to prevent it from happening again.
Posted on September 30, 2008 12:25
Katherine said:
To my knowledge, there has been no cheating in my marriage. What would happen if there was? Well, I'm not sure. I hesitate to say anything I haven't been through is a deal breaker - because really, how do you know until you're there. Before we were well and truly infertile, IVF was a dealbreaker - the line we wouldn't cross - the point where it became more about us and less about the longed for children. Over that line!! and embarrassed about the things I said about it before hand.
But, I have always thought that the warning shot should be fired and imagine that I'd have a harder time not having had a chance to fix things before they got so bad. As someone said above, just the conversation where the proposed cheater says, I know you know things are bad, but thought perhaps I should tell you how bad.
That said, I recently ignored the warning shot because I couldn't work up a care. Had that been followed by an affair, I would have been upset, but not unfixably so - I think. I'd be more likely to be unfixably upset if there was no warning and an affair.
Posted on October 2, 2008 11:24
Anonymous said:
Advice from someone who knows all too much about this situation: If you're unsatisfied enough in your marriage to even consider or otherwise be vulnerable to an affair, please please please deal with the marriage first, before getting involved with another person. Don't use someone else to test your commitment, don't use someone else as a comparison to what your life could be like, don't think you can get involved "for a little while" or "just for fun" because you can "stop at any time." Things get out of control very quickly and you never know where you'll find yourself months (or years) down the road.
I have an amazing, committed, long-term relationship with a man I first got involved with when he was still married. We both agree that the outcome of the affair--our current relationship--is one of the best things that has happened to us, but we also agree that the affair itself--the people we hurt, the illusions we shattered, the pain we caused (to others as well as ourselves), and the compromises we still have to live with, many years later--were the worst of the worst. His marriage was deeply flawed and had been headed toward divorce for years, but getting another person involved that mess--me--only made a bad situation worse.
Posted on October 2, 2008 18:10
Anonymous said:
Though not married, I'm in a long term relationship. Recently, I was sorely tempted to engage in some flirtations that were leading nowhere good. It was a guy I hooked up with prior to my current boyfriend. This guy was exciting, and we had great chemistry, but he just wasn't good for me, and still isn't. My current boyfriend is stable, loving and fun, but not quite so exciting. I was really surprised how much discipline it took for me to not accept an invitation for a drink. But then, what helped me is the reality that the exciting guy will only be a temporary interest which will fade whether I got involved with him or not. Similar to a strong desire to do anything rash and indulgent (like eating an entire pint of ice cream), it will undoubtedly be unsatisfying and cost me more than it's worth in the end.
But just from that experience of temptation, I can totally see how people end up in affairs. And I never thought I would understand that.
Posted on October 3, 2008 13:10
Beth said:
Huh, wow. I would forgive, though not immediately. But my partner would not, so there we are. And oddly, I could probably cheat and not fall in love. And my partner couldn't.
But mostly, I think it's about where your personal time is going. If it's going to someone who's not your spouse, well, it's going to take a toll. I sometimes feel this way about the internet.
Posted on October 6, 2008 01:07
Anonymous said:
After 12 years of marriage, my husband told me during our weekly ritual of the Sunday paper and coffee in bed that he didn't want to be married anymore. I was totally stunned and even more so when he said that he was going to stay in the guest room. I fumbled around the house crying my eyes out while he went along like it was any other Sunday. When he had the audacity to ask my son what was for dinner, the kid told Dad that he was mostly likely on his own that night.
I told him the next day that he had to leave unless he wanted to be a husband and father. I'd be damned if I was going to look at him, much less wash his dirty underwear and cook, too. It really pissed him off, but he came by after work to pick up a few things. He kept coming by after work to hang out, but wouldn't commit to our marriage, or even counseling. He was amazed that I wouldn't let him come and go as he pleased. I just kept repeating that he decided to go, but I was deciding when.
I finally changed the locks and put the rest of his stuff in the driveway and told him to come get it. He was pissed off and still kept coming back, and the kid would let him in. I finally got a restraining order so he'd get the message. I filed for divorce a year later since he wouldn't go to couples therapy. I continued to go to therapy by myself. Needless to say, I was devastated.
Later, I found out that he had been cheating for several years with a "good" mutual friend. I never had a clue. In retrospect, I realize they were having an emotional affair long before it turned physical. He told me that he wanted out the day after her divorce was final. I guess he wanted to stay at home until he decided if he was going to commit to her. He didn't admit they were even seeing each other until our divorce agreements were final--four years later.
He married the other woman last year, seven years after we split up. I remarried five years after separation. Cheating is clearly a deal breaker for me. If I had known that my last husband was a cheater, I would have changed the locks and filed for divorce a lot sooner. I never thought I would trust another man again, but I moved on and have a far better life and marriage now.
Posted on October 10, 2008 17:42
devistated said:
My wife suffered from many emotional problems. I was keeping up with everything. She was out with another man. He was angling for my wife for a while. They started out "as good friends". He pulled out in front of a cop. T-boned and she died on impact. he crawled out and said she was driving. He snuck away while my wife had a .32 BAC. He walked off and carried this lie for 2 years. Until I got a private detective to investage what happened. He is now in court for vehicular manslaughter. During the investigation. I learned she was in fact having an affair.
I think that if you stray in any way. emotional or physical. You deserve what ever happens to you.
A cheater only hurts the ones that love them. I have no use or respect for the cheater...but the outside person coming into a marriage is less than mud to me.
Posted on November 24, 2008 10:15
motherofbun said:
I am so sorry to hear your story Devistated.
Emotional affairs are real. What hurts is the betrayal and realizing your spouse has spent alot of time talking, texting, emailing and meeting up with this other person while you're at home taking care of the kids and everything else. All of their emotional energy is going to this other person. Its being directed away from your marriage and family.
What also hurts is knowing that your spouse is telling YOUR secrets. Telling this other person private things about you and the relationship - things you thought were sacred at a time when you felt safe to confide. And that now this other person, who (Typically) wants a relationship with your spouse, knows your weaknesses.
I went through this recently - this summer. I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. And although we have worked through things, I still feel very hurt at times.
When I think of the text I found from this woman("Sneak out and see me tonight." "Let's meet for a drink tonight.")I still get queasy. (And a bit angry.)
I was devasted. And although I've forgiven him and our relationship is better than it ever was, I don't feel like I can ever give my heart back to him completely. Maybe that feeling will change with time.
But the silver lining is that the experience made me a much stronger person. I see myself differently now (more positively). He's noticed that change and treats me with more respect than what he used to.
Posted on January 4, 2009 23:10