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What parenting strategies make you feel like a genius?

Published 12.05.2008 | Permanent Link | Comments (15)

By Alice Bradley

Yesterday Henry was weeping because I asked him to clean up his playroom. It had been a busy day, and the idea that he had to end it with a cleaning session was simply more than he could bear. "It's too much," he sobbed. "You need to help meeeee." That was followed by a medley of incoherent whining noises. I almost cracked a molar from gritting my teeth.

I am not a huge fan of helping my son clean up the mess he alone created, especially when it involves trillions of Lego pieces that I will inevitably store in the wrong place and incur his wrath. But on the other hand, I want to model helpfulness, and on the third hand, I don't want to listen to any more whining than I absolutely must. So I employed my always-successful strategy: the Tiny Window.

"I'm going to set the timer for 30 seconds," I told him. "Clean up as much as you can in 30 seconds, and then I'll help you with the rest."

Now, 30 seconds doesn't sound like enough time to get much done, does it? And in truth it is not. Had he been less upset and overwhelmed, I might have given him as many as 5 minutes. But I know my kid, and I know that 30 seconds was the right number for him at that time. He cheered up right up, fully believing he was getting away with something, with this only-thirty-seconds-of-cleaning plan.

However! Here is the true genius of this strategy. When the 30 seconds was up, Henry saw how little he had done, and he begged for more time. And this is what always happens. Once he's started, he forgets all about the upset and focuses on the prospect of showing me his cleaned playroom. "Well, okay," I agreed this time, "I'll give you thirty more seconds." After that, he needed another thirty seconds, and we agreed that this was absolutely the last 30 seconds he'll get.

When I finally came in to help, there was barely anything left to do. I expressed shock and awe at the job he had done, Henry beamed, and the tears and whining were a distant memory. And once again, I felt like pretty much the smartest parent in the universe.

The Tiny Window is my favorite parenting strategy with Henry; it's worked since he was a toddler. (On the rare occasion that it fails, I take his temperature.) When I give him that tiny window to get something done, he will instantly switch over from panic to competitive racing mode. When the window closes, he can stop, but he also knows he can crack it open an inch and get more time if he wants it. No matter how it all pans out, the task at hand is closer to being finished than it was before we began.

This technique works equally well when he has a friend over. I give them five minutes, and they race to see who can get the most toys put away. The crazy fools don't even require a prize for winning! I swear I could get them to clean my entire house this way. If only I could trust them with a bottle of Windex.

This may be a strategy that everyone employs and I'm really not as original as I think I am. Or it may be something that works only with certain kids—the competitive sorts like my child. Either way, I thought it was worth sharing. And it got me wondering: what strategies always work with your kids? What magical technique(s) do you employ that leave(s) you feeling like the Smartest Parent Alive?

Please brag away, in the comments below.

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Comments (15):

Ariel said:

This is not something that has occurred to me to do, and now I must try it.
I have no brilliance to share with you this morning, I'm sorry-I have a cold which I won't share with you.

Posted on December 5, 2008 10:22

suburbancorrespondent said:

He's 5, going on 6? You sure can trust him with a bottle of Windex. Go for it!

Posted on December 5, 2008 10:36

Sass Pizzazz said:

I don't have kids (hell, I'm not even married), but I hope to someday, so I love reading parenting tips and things. I think one of my biggest fears about my future is that I will give birth to an obstinate monster who will never ever bend to my will. And so I try to stock up on good parenting tricks. And this one is fabulous! Don't doubt it, you're definitely a genius.

Posted on December 5, 2008 10:47

GyrlPower said:

That's a wonderful idea! No, I've never thought of it. I'll have to try that on my 4-year old.

Thanks!

Posted on December 5, 2008 11:02

Cobwebs said:

That's an awesome tip, and I'm definitely going to have to try it.

My favorite is the Toy Library: Only X number of toys (where X is the number you can see scattered all over the room without your head exploding) can be "checked out" at any given time. To check out a new toy, you have to check in something else.

Posted on December 5, 2008 12:08

Alice said:

Oh, SC, I could trust *Henry* with a bottle of Windex, but two kids? Imagine the fun "water"-pistol fight they'd decide to have! I can imagine it ALL TOO WELL.

Posted on December 5, 2008 14:26

Lorrian said:

What a fabulous idea! (and what a dope I am...just realized why your blog is called "Wonderland", and yes, I've known for a long while what your first name is...again, with the dopishness).

Posted on December 5, 2008 16:27

Molly said:

Wow, Henry sorts his legos by type, size, or color? I wish my kids did.

I often forget my brilliant strategies, so I end up pleading, wheedling, or trying to bribe them to clean, to no effect. Then I remember that I don't want any of the toys, and they do, so if I say "In half an hour I'm going upstairs with a broom and sweeping up everything on the floor and putting it in the trash" that works pretty well. If they were smarter they would realize that they could just relocate the mess to the top of a dresser, but so far they haven't worked that out yet. Then I follow through with the actual broom, but if they see anything in the dustbin that they don't want thrown out, I let them take it out, provided they put it away somewhere.

I am ruthless about throwing away anything on the floor, especially stuff that hurts when you step on it or could cause you to slip, fall, and break a limb. Mardi gras beads, I'm talking to you.

Another good holiday strategy that I know I am not the only person to employ is the "Santa cannot bring you any presents unless you make some space for them in your playroom. Here is a box, you can fill it up with the old toys that you don't want anymore." Then the toys in the box that are reusable go to goodwill, the rest is trash.

Posted on December 5, 2008 20:35

Jill said:

I've done something similar with my now 8 year old daughter and her atrociously messy room for the past few years. But we call it a "5 Minute Dash". After all, you can do anything for just a few minutes!

She's never asked for more time, though. *sigh*

My 3 year old son is thus far . . . uninterested in this concept.

Posted on December 5, 2008 21:10

Elana said:

This is great! I, too, must try it. A short time window works for sharing too. My twin girls don't always see eye to eye on the subject of sharing. My idea came from one for time-outs. Time-outs tend to be for as many minutes as the child is old. I figure they can also wait that long before snatching it out of their sister's hand. I set the time on the microwave so everyone can hear it. When the buzzer goes off it's time to share! Works every time! Sometimes they forget about it and the item is exchanged before the time it up.

Posted on December 6, 2008 10:11

Susie said:

when my boys want to watch tv and i don't want them to (for whatever arbitrary reason at that particular moment), and saying "no" or "just play" will lead to insanity-inducing jags of whining, i pull out this trick. i tell them that they can watch as soon as they clean up their toys. they scurry off to carry out this task but, invariably, they get distracted by playing with the toys instead of cleaning them up. this can take an hour or more. they feel like they're getting away with not cleaning, and i've successfully winnowed down their tv time!

Posted on December 7, 2008 22:08

beanery said:

I will have to try all of the strategies you guys have suggested. The strategy my husband and I employ that almost always works is plain old reverse psychology. If my son doesn't want to get in the bath, my husband and I will fight over which of us will get in instead. Then he is fighting to get in before we do. Unfortunately, we can't get this to work for eating vegetables or sleeping.

Posted on December 8, 2008 11:04

Eliza said:

Brilliant! --and about 10 years too late for me. Any clever suggestions for teens?

Posted on December 8, 2008 17:31

fionaSage said:

I have a secret weapon to be employed on children having angry temper tantrums. I give them a spoonful of dried milk and call it Anger Medicine. This works in two ways:

1) it totally distracts them from their current misery by gumming up their mouths so that they have to concentrate on all that chewing and swallowing....

2) the whining, crying, fussing, etc stops immediately so that you can really figure out what the issue is without getting a headache.

works every time.

Posted on December 17, 2008 12:58

kimpassionate said:

One that works on my just-turned-eight-year-old when she's all whiny and overtired is to say with heartfelt longing "I wish my little sweet girl would come back to me... I wonder where she could've gotten to?" Almost every time, my poor baby manages to take a deep breath, stifle the whining, and give me a sleepy version of that dimpled grin that never fails to melt my heart. Then it's safe to have one last cuddle before sleepy-time.

Oh, and here's one from the archives that made bedtime bearable with the same kid (note that neither of these techniques ever worked with my older daughter, so it's strictly personality based). When the bed-time blues were getting out of hand, and the five minutes I would lay down with her always ended with her clinging to my hand and howling, I tried something new.

Instead of telling her what not to do, I tried telling her about my vision of a perfect bed time. I told her that I would love it if, when Mommy said "Good night my sweet little angel, I love you and I'll see you in the morning." she would say "Good night Mommy, I love you! See you in the morning!" and give me a kiss. She has done exactly that for four years now, embellishing the ritual with a few more words here and there so that it's a bit longer now, but still working like a charm.

Actually, that same strategy did work with my older daughter, only the nightmare was at bath time. I told her once, when she was about three and in the throes of a screaming fit over getting her bath, that I knew how bath time could be fun for both of us instead of being a big pain in the butt. (BTW, the word "butt" always gets a 3yo's attention.) I went on to describe how she would cooperate 100% and be done with the washing part in like 3 minutes, and then get on to the important playing part while her happy mommy smiled at her. It worked so well that I almost forgot how much I used to dread her baths!

Posted on December 26, 2008 14:02

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Wonderland was a lighthearted romp through the week's current events, especially news and issues relevant to parents. Wonderland is no longer actively published.

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